Jax broke his promise.

It's 11pm and he hasn't yet come for me.

I'm sitting on the steps of the patio, my head rested on my hands as I stare at the empty driveway. I blow out a long breath and check my phone again, hoping that he'll, at the very least, reply to one of the 17 messages I left him or call me back. But the blank screen suggests otherwise.

I can't believe he just left me hanging here. He said that he'll show up.

This is fucking unbelievable.

What is taking him so long? It's just supposed to be drinks with the guys. And he hates spending time with them.

So why the hell isn't he here yet?

If he forgot about me, I will seriously kill him...

Muttering curses under my breath, I stand up, walk back inside the house to grab my car keys and set out to get him.

* *

I pull over the side of the road, a few blocks away from Jax's house. Stepping out of the car, I let the cold wind whip past my face, disrupting the curls that I've worked so hard to make earlier this evening. I shove the car door close and proceeded to make my way towards his place.

Even though Jax and I have been together for two years now, I have yet to step foot into his house.

It's an odd thing; I've always wondered why he would never invite me over. He never gave me a solid explanation and it left room for me to think of the worst possible reasons as to why I wasn't allowed in his house.

Was he embarrassed of me? Did he not want his stepdad and his mom to know about me? If so, why? I've met Jax's read dad before—Baxton—briefly. He was in town and bumped into me and Jax while we were getting drinks at Caffeinated. He was a very nice man, a little bit cocky about his fame and fortune but I just assumed that was how it usually was in the Deneris family. Even though we only talked for a couple of minutes, I was sure that he liked me. There was hesitation in his eyes, but my charm eventually won him over.

So why could I meet Baxton but not his stepdad or his mom? I often asked Jax this but he always brushed me off.

Jerk.

My mom always told me that men who keep secrets are men not worth keeping around. I always believed her and I knew that she was right. But now that I'm with someone who does exactly that, it's not all that simple. The world isn't as black and white as it seems. It's then I realize that when you factor in the fierce love that you have for that person, you'll never want to let go.

Even if he hides from you.

Even if he hurts you.

Even if he ruins you.

I'm already at the foot of the door and I brace myself to knock on it when I hear a loud crash echo throughout the entire house, shaking it to its core.

I pause, my fist an inch away from the door, as I wait for the sounds that follow after.

"Fuck you!" Jax's familiar voice thunders through the walls. Cold, hard anger bursts from within him. "I told you to stay away from her!"

"And I told you that it was none of your fucking business!" Another voice counters back fiercely, a voice that sounds foreign to me.

Jax lets out a low growl. "You hit her one more time and I'll—"

"You'll what?" A hoarse, humorless laugh radiates, shaking me to my core. "You'll kill me? I'd like to see you fucking try, boy!"

I tiptoe my way across the patio. I shouldn't pry I shouldn't pry I shouldn't pry. But god, I want to. I've been deprived on what's been happening in Jax's life for so long that I'll take anything that will provide me a glimpse into his life.

I peek through the window and hold back a gasp when I see the scene that's unfolding. Jax is standing, bloodied and bruised, in front of who seems to be his stepdad. He's a beefy man, in his mid-forties, with cold, distant eyes, rounded nose and large arms that look like they have the ability to snap my neck in a heartbeat. The sight of him already terrifies me—and I can tell from the growing fear in his eyes that Jax feels the same way.

The stepdad is the first one to attack. Jax sidesteps him quickly enough but he's doesn't act fast enough when his guardian's fist slams right to his cheek.

I gasp so hard that my lungs hurt.

Jax loses his footing and he crashes to the floor. Before he can get up, his stepdad braces his leg on Jax's back and pushes him flat unto the ground.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god-

He yells and he screams and he thrashes and every instinct of mine screams to go in and save him, save him, but my feet are glued to the ground, out of frozen fear.

Jax Deneris is supposed to be invincible.

But tonight, I've just witnessed that that statement is a lie.

If he can't win against his stepdad, what makes me think that I can?

Jax's stepdad hauls him enough high enough so he can land another hit on his face.

"No mercy," the stepdad growls. "No mercy. Take everything. Give nothing. No mercy-"

Jax coughs out blood. "Fuck off! Fuck off—"

"No mercy. Take everything. Give nothing. No mercy-"

"Get the fuck away from me!" He screams, his voice already hoarse.

The words doesn't faze his stepdad. Hit after hit after hit is inflicted on him along with those words, that chant. The same chant that Jax repeats over and over again as he beats the shit out of Damien. Everything suddenly makes sense now—the bruises, the scars, the lies. All because of this. All because he wanted to hide this.

"You hear me boy?" He slaps Jax. "No mercy. No fucking mercy. The world is going to fuck you over. The only way to own it is to own violence."

"That's how you justify hitting my mother?" Jax spits out, his entire face caked in blood.

"No," he says. "That's how you justify beating the shit out of that guy in the ring tonight. And the many others before that. You just don't want to admit that. That's the only fucking difference between you and I."

"I'm glad. Because I don't want to be you."

"Who says you aren't?" He scoffs. "We hurt what hurts us and we hurt who loves us. That's just the way we are."

"You're wrong," Jax croaks out.

His stepdad merely laughs. "I wouldn't be so sure about your answer if I were you."

And with that, he lets go off Jax, letting him fall back to the ground again, and storms away.

A tear leaks down my eye and I make no attempt to wipe it away. I'm so overwhelmed, overwhelmed with a million emotions that I can't keep quite at bay. I don't know exactly how to feel. Remorse, because I feel bad for him?

Sorrow, because I grieve for him?

Or anger, because he hid it all away from me?

I peer through the window again, silent tears falling past my cheeks as I watch Jax attempt to get up from the ground. He winces out of pain as he musters the last of his energy to pull himself into a sitting position.

When he does, he stares off into the distance, the unmistakable rage burning alive in the dark depths of his eyes. Anger that I recognize all too well—anger as he drives his fist through his opponent; as he slams his leg into someone's ribcage, as he knocks someone out cold to claim his victory.

His stepdad had planted the seeds of that anger and rage in him—brainwashing him, indoctrinating him. He is the reason Jax is who he is today: cold-hearted, merciless.

I can't stand here any longer. I need—I need to get out of here. Of all the things I'd expected him to keep from me, I didn't think it would be this.

I catch a last glimpse of Jax one last time, a myriad of feelings washing over me again, before I disappear into the night.

* * *

I haven't seen Jax in three days.

I can't see him, not after what I've witnessed a few days ago. There's a battle of conflicting emotions ensuing inside of me, attempting to make sense of everything that's happened.

He's been blowing up my phone with so many messages and calls that I eventually turned the damned thing off. He has no idea what caused me to be so distant. A little part of me is happy knowing that he has finally tasted his own medicine.

I still can't fathom what I saw unfold between Jax and his stepfather. This wasn't just a one-time thing—from the looks of it, it's been happening for quite some time now.

A million questions run through my mind. How can Jax put up with it? He's the embodiment of strength; how can he let someone take that away from him?

Does his real father know anything about this? Probably not, otherwise his stepdad would be in jail by now. Should I call the cops on him? I could if I want to. But I can't, not unless I'm certain this is what Jax wants too.

Fuck, I should talk to him. I really should. But at the same time, I don't want to. I can't deny that I'm furious that he didn't tell me this was happening to him. Why does he not trust me? I've done everything that I can for the past two and a half years to prove my loyalty and love to him by sharing everything with him, and he doesn't return it equally.

He is a shadow—always there, but always hiding.

And I hate that.

I hate him.

No, fuck, I don't.

I love him. I'm in love with him.

Can a person feel both at the same time?

"Hey," Beth says hesitantly as she knocks on my bedroom door. She leans by the doorframe, crossing her arms, a worried expression plastered on her face, "Are y-you okay?"

I nod.

"I'm fine."

A lie. Contributing to the other many countless lies I've told my family and my friends regarding Jax.

"You're not fine." She shakes her head. She settles herself on the foot of my bed and sigh. "You haven't been f-fine for a long time."

Goddammit, Beth. "Well, I have to be alright?" I tell her.

"You know, you d-don't have to have it together all the time, Si," she murmurs, placing a hand on my knee. "Sometimes, it's good to be v-vulnerable."

Vulnerability makes you weak. And you will be taken advantaged off when you're weak. It's what they want, Jax used to tell me all the time. He said it so much that I really started to believe him.

"Yeah, well... I beg to differ," I say.

"Hey, if you want to t-talk, I'm here, alright?" She takes my hand and squeezes it. "Or, we can Skype mom. She'll be more than happy to g-give you advice."

I groan. I haven't been listening to any advice that she's told me about relationships. I feel somewhat guilty. I know that if I tell her what's going on with me and Jax now, she'll tell me to break it off with him. Which is something I'm not sure I want to do.

"No, not mom." I tell my sister firmly. "Look, I can handle this on my own. I promise. I'll talk to you later, alright?"

Beth frowns, somewhat hurt that I'm not seeking for her company and advice. "Okay. F-fine. I'll be i-in my room."

When she's gone, I fall back onto my pillow, blowing out a breath of frustration. I'm stuck in a rut; I have no idea what to do. I wish it wasn't this complicated. I wish I was dating a simple man with a good heart. A man who treats me right, who is always honest with me and who always has my back.

I wished Jax was all of those things.

But I wonder if he did inhabit all those qualities, would I have fallen in love with him? Probably not. I've always been drawn to wickedness and danger. I've always been drawn to bad.

I guess the idea of being with bad wasn't as remarkable as I thought it would be.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

The continuous pounding of the front door tears me away from my thoughts. I groan, pressing my face further into my pillow. "Beth, tell whoever the fuck that is to go away!"

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

"Beth!" I call her name out again. I hear her door opening and footsteps trailing towards the door. Muffled voices, then a pair of heavy footsteps storming into the living room, getting closer and closer to my room.

Someone knocks on my door and I swear under my breath as I drag myself out of bed to open it. And when I do, Jax's worried face stares back at me.

"Princess," he breathes. "Why the fuck have you not been returning my calls?"

His eyebrows furrow in confusion as he searches my eyes for answers. He looks better than he did three days ago. The nasty bruise that his stepdad left on his cheek had faded and his lip is still swollen—but healing.

I guess I should have known that he would come looking for me eventually. But to be honest, I can't really tell anymore. He's been hot and cold with me for months now that I really can't predict what he says or does anymore.

I'm so not prepared for this conversation. I honestly cannot deal with him right now. Not when every time I see his face, I want to hurl. Not when my mind constantly screams liar! whenever he speaks.

"I'm tired," I say, pretending to yawn. I desperately hope that he'll take the hint. "Can we have this conversation tomorrow?"

"No," he says, pushing his way into the room. "You're just going to blow me off again.We're having this conversation now."

I peer over his shoulder. Behind him, Beth cowers behind her door, listening intently to our conversation. When I shoot her a what am I supposed to do look, she merely shrugs, mouths a good luck to me, and slips back into her room.

"Jax—" I start off as Jax shuts the door behind him."Look—"

"Did I do something wrong?" His kohl eyes search mine for answers. He's pacing, scratching his head, puzzlement written all over his face. He's so confused and to be honest, I feel a tad bit sorry for him. But not enough to yield this time. Irritation flashes in his eyes when I do not respond. "Tell me, Sienna. Tell me what did I do. Because I'm tired of you ignoring me!"

"Jax—"

"No." He shakes his head. "No more excuses, Sienna. Please. "

Oh, the irony. Rage simmers within the depths of my body. "That's such a hypocritical response, don't you think so?" I snap at him.

Jax only looks more puzzled. "What does that suppose to mean?"

"Oh, come on!" I say, huffing out a laugh. "Don't act stupid. You've been lying to me about where you get your bruises from for a long time now. I know where you get them from Jax. I saw it with my own fucking eyes. I saw your stepdad hit you."

Suddenly, Jax's whole body immediately stiffens. His whole body is rigid, unmoving as he stands in front of me, frozen in place.

"How—? How—"

"You forgot to pick me up after the finals. So I went over to your place and I saw him hurting you. Abusing you. And suddenly everything clicked into place," I breathe. "The lies you told. The bruises on your back. Why I wasn't allowed to come over to your house. Everything."

He clenched his teeth. Cold anger seeps into his eyes, burning alive like wild embers. "You have no right to pry into my life like that. No right."

"Excuse me?" I say, baffled. "I didn't have to pry if you just told me what was going on with you in the first place! You hid from me ever since we started dating so forgive me if I just wanted to know what the fuck was happening with you."

"You still had no right to do that!"

"What am I supposed to do? Wait for you to tell me? Were you even ever going to tell me?" I yell at him. He mutters a string of curse words under his breath and turns his back on me, both his hands behind his back as he paces about, as if wondering how the hell is he going to get out of this situation. "You and I both know damn well you were going to keep this a secret from me forever."

"That's because it's none of your goddamn business, Sienna!" He yells back. His words are sharp and lethal as he throws them at me and each of them makes its mark on my fragile body. I pour out hurt from my wounds. "What happens in my family is none of your concern."

I can't believe this. I really can't believe this.

"I don't want to put myself in your family matters but you have to tell me something. You know, in case you haven't fucking heard, a relationship is about communication. And trust," I glower at him. He places one steady hand against the wall, his head tilted slightly to my direction. Guilt flickers in his eyes, but only for a split second before it vanishes again. "I trust you. I tell you everything about my life. And yet, I don't know anything about you. I don't know why you fight. I don't know why you have such a bad relationship with your real father. I don't know anything about your childhood, how you grew up, what made you change to become the person you are today. How is that even possible when we've been dating for almost three years now?"

He stays silent; I've made him speechless. I wish I didn't because I want to hear him speak his mind. To defend himself. Anything that can explain why he keeps things from me.

I shake my head, disappointment washing over me. I drop to the edge of the bed, defeated. "You don't trust me. You say you do, but you really don't. You only choose to tell me things that helps you keep this... image of yours. This perfect self—this victorious, charming, fierce and strong self—a self that I thought was I actually real. But you're far from that. You're screwed up. You're a broken doll. Just like me. Just like the rest of us. You're just too stubborn to admit it."

I don't stop there. I unleash all the words that I've been too afraid to speak ever since I met him and I use it to hurt him—hit him where I hope it actually hurts.

"If you've kept this thing with your stepdad from me, I can only imagine how much more you're keeping from me. There's no trust here. It's only one-sided," I say, barely a whisper. Tears swim in my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks. I suck in a breath, hoping to inhale back in the tears as well. I look at Jax again—he's still angry, but he's keeping it contained. I don't want him to keep it contained. I want him to explode. At least then I'll know that my words have impacted him—have hurt him.

But instead, he stands there, motionless. His mouth is parted open and he looks as if he is about to say something, but he can't quite find the words to convey what he's feeling. Or he doesn't want to.

Bastard.

"Do you even love me?" I whisper. A tear falls down my cheek. I let it drip down my jaw. I want him to see exactly how he's ruining me. "I've always said it to you. And you never say it back. Or if you do, it's completely half-assed. I keep making excuses for you, you know. Oh, maybe he's just not in the mood to say I love you to me today. Maybe he's tired. Maybe he's not ready," I say, my eyes burning right through his. "Are any of those excuses even true?"

"I love you," he says, but it seems robotic, his words untrue. He walks over to me, slowly, and he lays his hand on my cheek, wiping the tears away. "I love you."

Bullshit.

"I can't even tell if you're honest or you're still lying to me." I push his hand away. Tears claim my face, unable to stop. "You confuse me, Jax. You want me but you hide from me. You love me, and yet you don't trust me. What am I to you, really? Am I really your girlfriend? Or am I some kind of prized possession? You said it yourself: I was the only girl who rejected all your advances. And you were all for the chase. Now that you've finally had your hands on me, you don't want any of the hard stuff that comes with a relationship. You just want all the fun things: the kissing, the sex. Well guess what, Jax? It ain't fucking rainbows and sunshines! You have to commit to me if you want his relationship to work! And that includes sharing things with me. Opening up to me. Loving me. You promised all those things when you asked me to be with you. Am I fool to think that those promises are now empty?"

"I screwed up! I get it!" Jax yells, throwing his hands in the air out of exasperation. "I know I did and I'm sorry. But fuck, you have to understand that you are my first relationship, Sienna. Ever. So forgive me if I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do when it comes to maintaining one."

Oh hell no. He's not playing that card with me.

"You had three years to figure this out! Unless you're a complete fucking idiot—which, by the way, I'm almost convinced now that you are—you should know how a functioning relationship works by now! Jesus fucking Christ, Jax." My heart is thundering from the boiling rage beneath me. "I've never been in a relationship too. But I know one thing's for sure: if you don't share things with me, if you don't love me, if you're not willing to put up a fight for me, then you shouldn't be wasting any more of my time. I can't keep chasing after you anymore. I'm so...tired."

"Sienna," he croaks out. "Sienna, please. Don't do this. "

I shake my head. I'm giving him a chance right here, right now, to tell me that he'll do all those things I wish he would do, but he doesn't give me anything. And yet he's tethering onto me, expecting that I'll forget what he's done and give into him. A little part of me wants to; I can feel myself breaking, little by little, because I don't want to lose this man.

His eyes are still pinned on me, his eyes hypnotizing. So much hope and promises he carry in those kohl embers that I'm almost convinced that they're all real. But I know better. I can't watch—I tear my gaze away from him because I'm afraid if I look at him any longer, I'll succumb to him and his pretty lies.

My mind slumps with exhaustion. If he's not going to give me an answer right now, I'm not going to wait any longer to find out. It's his turn to chase after me, if he still chooses to continue with this relationship.

I guess we'll see.

"You need to leave," I breathe. His eyes are sharp, perplexed as he stares me down. I turn away from him, hugging my body with my arms, refusing to crumble because of this man. "Please."

He opens his mouth to protest but I lift my hand to stop him. "Don't try to say anything else. I'm done for tonight."

He clamps his mouth shut, and his bewildered eyes trace mine a while longer as he can't quite believe he's getting kicked out. When it has finally hit him that I was being serious, he scratches the back of his head and huffs out a breath.

"Fine," he says. "Fine. I'll go."

He turns on his heel and without another word, he leaves. And when he's gone, I allow the tears to pour down my face, an avalanche of pain and anger—but it can't compare to the hurricane of feelings storming in my heart.

* * *

A/N: OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY MIA FOR THE WHOLE YEAR HOMAIGOSH THERE IS NO EXCUSEEEEE

IM SO SORRY MY DIA-HARDS!!! Uni life has been INCREDIBLY HECTIC and I seriously wanna dieee with all the workload I have. 

BUT ALAS the truth about Jax has finally been revealed! It's not too long before Perfect Ruin is officially done and over with (cuz lets face it I have not been happy with myself that I let it drag THIS far).

ALSO great freaking news but the Perfect series is gonna be officially published in FRENCH by Hachette! So to all my French-speaking peeps, you can get the copy of Perfect Illusion sometime beginning of next year!!

I will TRY MY BEST to update soon again! I promise! I won't let you down!

Glad to be back on Wattpad again. See you soon my lovelies.

Love, Claudia.