i got home with a sigh, closing the front door behind me. i didn't bother making my presence known, because both of my parents were at work and they'd get back home around the late evening. i took off my shoes and walked inside, heading straight for the bedroom where i dropped my schoolbag on the floor. my father would often criticize me for not placing the bag on a chair or on my bed, but i honestly saw no point in placing a bag that laid on the ground for eight hours straight, on a chair or on the bed. i changed into my house clothes, noticing how big they were beginning to look on me. a smile reached my lips and i stared at my reflection, feeling happy at the sight of this new me staring back. i was eating healthily, drinking more water, exercising, loving myself and trying to become a better person. and so far, it was working.

so far.

i entered the kitchen, smiling at the sight of rice. i put some on my plate, being careful with my portion before taking my phone out of my pocket and calculating its calories.

i began eating silently. the rice in front of me and some of the salad i made for myself. i was watching a youtube video, enjoying my food and before i knew it, the plates were already empty. for some reason, i started to feel strange. looking down at my empty plate, i felt my stomach fill up with all the food. it felt too much. i felt like i had eaten more than i should have, which increased the number of calories i consumed within the day.

i'm going to get fat.

it's going to turn to fat.

i'm going to go back to being the unhappy fat me.

i'm going to gain weight.

all those weeks of exercising are for nothing.

i ruined it.

i ate too much.

i should have eaten less.

that was too much.

why did i eat so much?

but what can i do?

that's when i remembered watching a TV show when i was younger. the TV host made a joke about girls sticking their fingers down their throat to stay in shape. it was harmless joke, trying to get these girls to stop, i assumed.

but yes.

that could help.

that could help me not get fat.

all i have to do is just take out half of the food i ate and i'll be fine.

it's not like i'll do this again.

just this once. . .

i just have to. . .

stick my fingers down my throat and. . .

let it all out.