Imee's Point of View

White walls welcomed me when I opened my eyes. I saw Yaya Melds sitting beside me and Jazz was here too, leaning on the wall. Napatingin ang mga ito sa akin ng bumangon ako.

"Where's Denver?" Natahimik sila sa naging tanong ko.

Walang pakialam na inalis ko yung IV na nakaturok sa kamay ko. I even saw how my blood dropped on the floor. Yaya Melds called my name pero tuluy-tuloy akong lumabas. Sinubukan akong pigilan ni Jazz pati ng ibang nurse na dumating pero hindi ko sila pinansin.

I want to see him. I want to see my Kuya.

Habol-habol ako ng mga nurses pero wala sa kanila ang atensyon ko. Lahat ng kwartong nadadaanan ko ay binubuksan ko, hoping to see Kuya Denver. I turned on the right wing and I couldn't help but to curled my hand into a fist when I saw her. Beside her were some of the policeman guarding her.

"Where's Denver? Where's my Kuya?"

"Imee..." Vanessa called my name. Her voice broke.

Iniwasan ko ang akma nitong paghawak sa akin. She's someone I used to call Mom pero hindi maatim ng damdamin kong tawagin pa siya ng ganoon. I loathe her.

"Answer me! Where is he?" Napayuko lang ito. Napahikbi siya hanggang sa tuluyan kong marinig ang kanyang pag-iyak. Napailing lang ako. I will never buy her act again.

I want to ask her about Denver but I was stopped when group of nurses came out of the room right in front of us.

Operating Room. With the door being opened, I saw him lying on the hospital surgery bed. Some machines and some devices I couldn't name were attached to his body. I wanted to go in but someone stopped me before I could go inside.

"Nurse, please assist her outside." Dalawang tao ang lumapit sa akin at pinilit akong palabasin.

"No, let me in! I want to see him!"

"Anak, halika muna rito." Noon ay lumapit si Yaya Melds sa akin. Jazz almost hugged me just to get me out of that place.

"No. I want to see him alive." Nagsimulang manubig ang mga mata ko, kinakain ng kaba habang pilit na nakikipagmatigasan sa kanila. He can't leave me like this.

"Denniese, please." With his strength, Jazz succeeded in pulling me out. Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit dahilan upang tuluyan ng maisara ang silid na iyon.

"I need to see him." I could hear my voice broke. Yaya Melds went near me and she hugged me tight.

"Anak, hayaan muna natin sila roon. Magpakatatag ka. Malakas ang Kuya mo, malalampasan niya iyon." Pagpapakalma nito sa akin but it made me nervous even more.

I started to burst in tears silently. With the tears covering my face, I felt someone touched me. Agad akong lumayo sa kanya.

"Don't touch me." I coldly said, glaring at her. Marahan nitong ibinaba ang mga kamay niya. Tears also streamed down on her face.

"B-baby, I'm s-sorry..." I pursed my lips to stop myself from wanting to hurt her, still balling my hand into a fist. Gusto kong matawa sa inaasal niya ngayon. Sorry?

"What's the point of your fucking apology if Denver was lying on that bed fighting for his life?" I shouted at her.

Napayuko ito at muli kong narinig ang kanyang pag-iyak. Fuck. How can she be sorry for something they meant to do? For something they planned in the first place? Damn it.

I gazed on the door when it suddenly opens, then nurses came rushing in and out of that room. I don't know what to do that moment. I feel like I lost all my strength. Jazz quickly caught me before I could even fall on the floor.

Almost an hour had passed. Pabalik-balik at paikot-ikot lang ako roon sa hallway, waiting for someone to come out and tell me what's happening inside.

I bit my nails to ease the worries inside me pero habang tumatakbo ang oras, mas lalong bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko at napailing ako sa posibleng mangyari.

Denver can't leave me like this.

"Baby, where are you going?" Hindi ko pinansin ang tawag nila sa akin.

Patuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa makarating sa labas nitong hospital. Mabilis kong pinahid ang mga luha ko nang mapaupo ako ng tuluyan sa damuhan.

I can't watch him fighting for his life. It kills me. I tucked up my knees at isinubsob ko ang ulo ko kasabay ng mga luhang kumawala sa mata ko.

Please, just for once, let him save. Please save him. Please save my brother.

Sandali lang akong nagpalipas doon bago ako bumalik sa loob. The doctor exactly came out when I got back. Mabilis ding nagsitayuan sila Yaya Melds nang makitang lumabas ang doctor. I rushed immediately on their spot, controlling my heart from beating so fast.

"Where is he? Is he okay? Is my brother okay? Is the operation successful? Doc, tell me." I almost beg.

"I'm sorry." Nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko sa sinabing iyon ng doctor.

Just fucking two words but my world stopped. Dalawang salita pero daig pa nito ang sampung karayom na paulit-ulit na itinusok sa dibdib ko.

"You're l-lying." Halos hindi ko na marinig ang sarili kong boses.

"We did our very best but---"

"No! You're just fucking lying!" I shouted, kinakontra ang impormasyong nalaman ko.

"The patient already loss many blood and he was shot right on his chest causing him to---"

"No! Don't say that! He's still alive! Tell me he's still alive!" Niyugyog ko ang braso ng Doctor, hoping that he will retract what he said.

"We did our best but the patient didn't make it. We're very sorry."

I lost control of myself because of what I've heard. Napaupo ako sa sahig at naramdaman ko na lang ang mainit na likidong dumaloy pababa sa pisngi ko.

He's gone.

"No. Hindi iyon t-totoo." Ilang beses akong umiling. Nanginginig ang buo kong katawan. Niyakap ako ng mahigpit ni Yaya Melds dahilan para mas lalo akong maiyak. "Hindi iyon totoo. Tell me he's still alive. He can't die like this." Pinunasan ni Yaya Melds ang luha ko gamit ang kanyang mga kamay.

"Magpakatatag ka anak." Napayakap ako ng mahigpit sa kanya at ibinuhos ko lahat ng luha at sakit na nararamdaman ko.

Please, sana panaginip lang lahat ng 'to.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o kung ilang oras na ba ang lumipas simula nang sabihin iyon ng Doctor sa akin. Ayokong maniwala. Ayokong tanggapin dahil masakit. Sobrang sakit.

Inalalayan akong tumayo ni Yaya Melds at pakiramdam ko ay sobrang bigat ng katawan ko. Dahan-dahan akong pumasok sa silid na iyon. Nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko at para akong matutumba nang tumambad sa akin ang isang katawang natatakpan ng puting tela.

I walked as slowly as turtle could. Parang hindi ko siya kayang lapitan. Hindi ko siya kayang tignan sa ganung kalagayan. Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang telang iyon at parang natigil ang hininga ko. My heart twitched in pain. My tears couldn't stop.

"Kuya..." I immediately hugged him and cried on his chest. "K-kuya gumising ka p-please. H-hindi mo ako pwedeng iwan ng ganito. K-kuya..." Ilang beses kong niyugyog at ginalaw-galaw ang braso nito, umaasang lahat ng 'to ay hindi totoo.

"Kuya, g-gumising ka n-naman oh..." I kneeled in front of him as tears pooled on my cheeks. "You can't leave me like this. You can't die like this." Isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya, patuloy na ginalaw-galaw ang katawan niya.

"Anak, t-tama na..." Yaya Melds stopped me. Napailing ako ng ilang beses at napahagulgol sa sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

"No. N-no. He's still a-alive. Buhay pa s-siya." Umiwas ako sa mga hawak nila. Muli kong isinubsob ang sarili ko sa kanya, nagmamakaawang gumising na siya.

"You can't leave me like this. Kuya, wake up please... K-kuya..." Napaupo ako ng tuluyan sa sahig at doon ko mas ibinuhos lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko habang hawak-hawak ang kanyang kamay.

"Anak please, tama na..." Umupo si Yaya Melds sa gilid ko at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. Napahagulgol akong muli.

Ang sakit. Bakit sobrang sakit? Sa lahat ng tao, bakit kailangang sa akin pa mangyari ang mga ito? Bakit heto pa? Bakit kailangang si Kuya pa?

"Sabihin niyo sa akin bakit si Kuya pa? Bakit s-siya pa?"

Dalawang araw na simula nung malaman kong wala na si Kuya at dalawang araw na rin akong nakalagi rito sa hospital. Right after seeing Kuya Denver on that bed, lifeless, I collapsed. I was undergo operation again because of the gunshot I got.

I was admitted for two days now to heal my wound. Sana nga hindi na lang ako in-operahan so I could be with Denver right now. A tear escaped from my eyes. Why is it so hard to accept the truth? Why is it so painful to hear all of this truth?

The door opens and I didn't bother to wipe my tears.

"Pumayag na ang Doctor mo. Pwede ka ng umuwi bukas." Yaya Melds stated.

If other patients were in my situation, they would be celebrating now but on my part I don't know if I could be happy. O kung kaya ko pa bang sumaya pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari.

The moment I was discharged from the hospital, I went straight to Kuya Denver's wake. It was so hard for me to attend my brother's wake. Unti-unti kong inihakbang ang mga paa ko palapit sa pribadong chapel na iyon habang nakaalalay si Yaya Melds sa akin.

Habang naglalakad ako papalapit sa direksyon ni Kuya, everything flashed back on my mind. Those happy moments we had. Those times that we keep on pissing each other. Those days na lagi niya akong inaasar at pinagtitripan. And then, in just a snap, those memories will never happen again.

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil nahihirapan akong huminga. Naninikip ito sa sakit. Ilang beses sumagi sa isip ko kung bakit kailangang mangyari pa 'to? Bakit kailangang humantong pa sa ganito? Bakit si Kuya pa?

As I got near him, a pair of tears fell from my eyes. Seeing him with that suit. A pair of black shoes, black pants, tuxedo, tie and plain white polo while lying and sleeping on that transparent glass made me shiver and it really broke my heart.

"Kuya..." I hold Yaya Melds' arm as my supporter dahil pakiramdam ko ay matutumba ako. "Kuya Denver..." I burst out in tears. Napahawak ako sa kabaong niya. Ang sakit lang sa dibdib na makita siyang ganito.

Kulang pa bang nawalan ako ng totoong mga magulang? Ng taong minahal? Ano pa bang dapat kong pagdaanan? May nagawa ba akong mali? Mga kasalanan? Ano bang nagawa ko upang pagdaanan ko lahat ng mga 'to?

Sana ako na lang. Sana ako na lang ang namatay. Kuya Denver doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve all of this.

"Baby..." I gritted my teeth when I heard that voice.

I wiped my tears and I turned around to face them. Vanessa's pushing her husband who's sitting on a wheelchair because of the gunshots I caused on his legs.

"Masaya na ba kayo? Masaya ba kayong yung kaisa-isang taong naging totoo sa akin, wala na rin?"

"I'm sorr---"

"Hindi pa ba sapat na kinuha niyo yung buhay ng mga magulang ko? Hindi pa ba sapat na pinatay niyo sila? Why do you have to involved someone who's innocent here?" Hindi ko mapigilang ibuntong sa kanila ang lahat ng galit ko. This is all their fault.

"How could you kill your own son?" I screamed from the top of my lungs, reminding them how heartless they are.

"I'm sorry. Hindi namin ginustong mangyari 'yon." Umiiyak na sabi ni Vanessa sa akin.

"How can you be so cruel? Wala kayong awa! Mga mamamatay tao kayo! Hayop kayo! Sana kayo na lang ang namatay! Sana kayo na lang!" Napaupo ako sahig at muling inilabas lahat ng hinanakit ko.

Muling bumuhos ang mga luha sa aking mukha. Bakit ang sakit? Tangina, bakit ganito kasakit?

Nilapitan ako ni Vanessa pati ng kanyang asawa upang tulungan akong tumayo pero tinabig ko ang mga kamay nila palayo sa akin.

"Umalis na kayo." Malamig kong saad, walang balak na lingunin sila. Seeing their faces will just remind me of how heartless and how cruel they are.

"Anak, please patawarin mo kami." I heard them sob.

Deeply pained, pinilit ko ang sarili kong tignan sila kahit masakit. Vanessa's face was filled with tears. Dennis was looking on his son's casket with a trail of tears on his face. I gulped hard and stared at them.

"Don't mourn for the person you killed and don't fucking shed a single tear. Evils don't cry." I emphasized right through their faces.

"A-anak... anak p-please..."

"Kung mahal niyo si Kuya at kung may natitira pa kayong katiting na respeto sa kanya, please, umalis na kayo." Sagot ko. I looked away from them, not minding their sobs. Sinubukan nila akong lapitan but policeman came in and they cuffed them outside.

Nang mawala na sila sa paningin ko, I let my tears flow again. I covered my face using my hands. Do I deserve all this shit? Why do I have to suffer all of these now? 

Nilapitan ko ulit si Kuya at hinawakan ng mga nanginginig kong kamay ang gilid ng kabaong niya.

Sana namatay na lang din ako.

Kuya's wake was private. Bilang lang ng mga daliri ko ang mga pamilyang dumadalaw rito. I didn't leave the chapel until the day of his funeral. I stood up and place a small white flower on Kuya's coffin. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears as I looked on his face.

Bilang na lang ang mga minuto, pagkatapos 'non, I won't be able and I will never see him again.

"Let's go?" I nod to Yaya Melds and we made our way out of that chapel going to the cemetery while holding his picture. Masakit, oo. Pero kailangan kong tanggapin.

"Brother's love to his sister is forever." I started my message. "...and that's what you made me feel when I'm with you Kuya Denver. You're one of the best things that ever happened to me. You're the only person who became true to me but why do you have to leave me?"

Hindi ko na naman mapigilan ang sarili ko habang unti-unting bumabalik sa ala-ala ko ang lahat, yung panahong magkasama pa kami. In his whole life, he made me feel that I'm important even though he used to pissed me off. Even in his very last breathe, he chose to save me. He didn't die on my arms but he still left me.

"I love you so much Kuya Denver." I whispered in air.

I placed a flower on that transparent glass as they started to bury it. I burst out in tears. Sobrang hirap. Sobrang sakit.

Habang bumaba iyong kabaong niya, mas lalong bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko. I threw a flower on it hanggang sa hindi ko na iyon makita. He totally left me now.

"Kung nasaan man ang Kuya mo ngayon, siguradong masaya na siya." Sambit ni Yaya Melds sa akin.

She went near me and I let her hug me. I didn't utter a word. I just cried on her shoulders until I lost all the energy I have.

Days passed, I feel like everything just happened yesterday. Umupo ako sa tabi ng grave ni Kuya at naramdaman kong unti-unti na namang nag-unahan sa pagbagsak ang mga luha ko.

Why do I have to lost all the important people in my life? My parents, Keizer, now's Kuya Denver.

Was my life a curse for me to suffer this? Isn't it enough to lost some people I love? Bakit lahat ng minamahal ko, nawawala? Dapat ba silang lahat? Sino ang susunod?

Napatingin ako sa kalangitan. It's already getting dark. Stars were twinkling. I hope my Mom, my Dad, Kuya Denver and Keizer were one of those stars. I closed my eyes when the breezy air embraced me. I felt like I was hugged by them. I know they were listening to me.

Mom, Dad, Keizer, Kuya Denver please give me some strength. I'm slowly losing myself now and I don't know how to stand up anymore. Please, let me understand everything dahil sa ngayon, gulung-gulo na ako.

Days quickly passed by and I still feel the misery. I can feel the deep hole in my heart. I can still feel the pain.

"Anak, ipinaghanda kita ng makakain. Kumain ka na muna." Yaya Melds put the tray beside me but I refused. Seeing her on my peripheral vision, I told her I'm okay even though she's not asking me.

Moment of silence embraced us. I could hear her deep sighs. Then her question hit me.

"Anak, hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan kang magiging ganyan?"

In an instance, tears welled from my eyes. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes to stop my tears. I just shook my head as an answer dahil hindi ko rin alam.

"I know you're in pain right now but you don't have to drown yourself into it." Lumapit ito sa akin at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. Having my knees tuck up, I broke down in tears.

Hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan nga ba ako magiging ganito?

I got my way on the cemetery again. I lit the candle and placed it beside the flowers. I'm here in front of my parent's grave. My true parents.

"Mom, Dad, how are you there? Are you okay? Are you fine?" Napatingala ako sa kalangitan na para bang makikita ko sila roon. "I'm so tired now." I whispered. Naupo ako sa harap ng puntod nila, hinayaan ang mga luhang gustong kumawala sa aking mga mata.

"Anak..." Noon ay napatingala ako. I saw Yaya Melds looking at me with pain in her eyes. Beside her was Nanay Agnes.

"Why do I have to suffer this much?" Mahina kong tanong sa kanila as questions filled my mind.

I'm clueless for everything now. I'm curious about everything. Why does it have to end like this?

"I was raised for someone I am not. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what should I do now. Hindi ko na alam. Wala akong maintindihan."

How am I supposed to understand what's happening when I am blurred by the things around me?

Napayuko ako at hinayaan kong sakupin muli ng luha ang mukha ko. Kailan titigil ang luha ko? Kailan ba mauubos ang mga ito?

My whole life, I was being played and manipulated.

Yaya Melds came near me. She cupped my face and wipe my tears away. Then I felt them hug me tight.

"We know you. We know who are you anak. Hayaan mo kaming tulungan kang kilalanin ang sarili mo."

After that day, I just found myself inside my room packing for my things. I don't know what to do anymore but I guess I will start in freeing myself from pain.

"You ready?" Yaya Melds asked me that morning so I nodded. Nanay Agnes was with us. Sabay-sabay kaming lumabas ng bahay.

I glanced at the whole house for the last time. I grew up from this house and I experienced so much things in here. This became my haven but I want to start all over again now. I want to start without any trace of those bad memories I once experienced here. All those things, good or bad, I'll leave it here.

"Anak, halika na." Nanatili ang tingin ko sa mansiyong iyon bago ako pumasok sa loob ng van. I let my eyes enjoy the view of this place for the last time.

"Stop the car." Naramdaman ko ang paghinto ng kotse nang madaanan namin ang Jimen University.

Lumabas ako roon. Ramdam kong gusto akong pigilan ni Yaya Melds pero hinayaan ako nito.

I started walking and stopped near the main gate. From here, I could see them. Seeing them from afar makes my heart twitched in pain.

Irish, Zephyr, Alice, Aris and Xydelle.

I'm sorry but I have to leave now. I need to do this for myself. I need to find myself.

Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng isang butil ng luha sa aking mata nang mapatingin ako sa lalaking matagal ko ng gustong makita. Nanikip ang dibdib ko nang mataman ko siyang tignan. Kahit malayo ako, kitang-kita ko ang blankong ekspresyon sa mukha nito. I understand him hating me but it really hurts.

Please take care of yourself. God knows how much I love you but I have to let you go.

Xydelle...

"I am now granting your wish. I will be out of your life now." I muttered in air. Napatingala ako sa taas upang pigilan ang luha ko.

I went back to the car after that. As we drove to the airport, I closed my eyes, letting my tears flow from my eyes. I've been through a lot and I want to start all over again. I want to free myself from pain.