Imee's Point of View

Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Kuya Denver matapos niya akong sikuhin. Problema na naman kaya nito sa akin?

"Pick whatever you want Princess. Kaya nga kita dinala rito to get whatever you want. Huwag kang parang robot." I glared him this time. I just remembered Xydelle because of the word robot. Doon talaga ako kinocompare? Tsk.

Habang tumitingin-tingin ito ng kung anu-ano, nakasunod lang ako sa kanya. Kuya bought lot of Christmas decors and Christmas lights. Hinayaan ko lang itong kumuha ng kung anong gusto niya. Christmas will happen three days from now so everything you see here is nothing but a different combination of colors red, green, blue, gold, white. Okay, let's say rainbow. Whatever.

"Hoy, tulungan mo akong magdecor dito." Reklamo nito nung papaakyat na ako sa kwarto.

We just got home tapos gusto niyang magdecor kaagad. There's already decorations here. I just don't know why he has to buy another Christmas tree tapos ngayon pipilitin niyang ako ang magdecor doon.

I threw him one Christmas ball when he complained about how I decor those things. I had lived my life alone for three years, away from them. What I know about these stuffs? I don't even know the feeling of celebrating this event.

Standing here in my room's balcony, nakikita ko ang mga taong halatang nagsasaya habang naghahanda with their families and relatives outside their house. While here am I, just watching them as if it's just a normal day.

"Princess, do you have plan before the countdown?" Tanong ni Kuya Denver pagkapasok niya sa kwarto. I nod to him. He's about to ask what is it when my phone rings.

[Hey, see you later for the Christmas dinner.]

Pagpapaalala ni Xydelle sa kabilang linya. He's going to airport after this to fetch his relatives including Tito Gab. Yeah, Christmas dinner with his family.

[Baby, Merry Christmas! I love you.]

He said before the call ended. Xydelle was the first person who greeted me. I smiled with that thought. Nginitian ako ni Kuya matapos kong ibaba ang phone. Obviously, narinig nito ang pinag-usapan namin ni Xydelle. Ginulo lang nito ang buhok ko tsaka siya lumabas ng kwarto.

People are quite busy. Even here in our house. Everyone's busy preparing for the noche buena.

[I'm outside your room.]

My forehead creased when I read Xydelle's message. I went to the door and opened it. There, he's standing happily and he's waiting for me. Since I changed my clothes even before Xydelle could get here, hinayaan ko na lang na ganun ang damit ko. We're now heading to the restaurant where they reserved.

"Nervous?" Xydelle asked and took my hand because I was just quiet the whole time.

Tinignan ko lang siya, he's smiling at me. Simula nung makita ko siya kanina ay hindi na nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya. As he parked the car, Xydelle didn't let go of my hand. He squeezed it a bit na tila pinapagaan niya ang loob ko. I'm not nervous actually but I feel something I can't explain.

Kaagad naming nakita si Principal Avah sa isang mahabang table, on her side was Tito Gab. They gladly welcomed me, hindi na nagulat sa presensya ko. Maybe Xydelle informed them already. I greeted them back. We just had some talks after that dahil paparating pa lang daw ang relatives nila. After a while, her phone beeped.

"They're on their way." Anunsyo ni Principal Avah nang mabasa iyong mensaheng nakuha niya.

She even smiled after announcing that. I hid my both hands under the table while rubbing it. Something's weird with me the moment I entered this place and I couldn't name it.

"Excuse me, I'll just go to the comfort room." Xydelle excused. I smiled a bit when he looked at me, trying to tell him that I'm okay.

When he stood up, I wanted to stop him and tell him not to leave me here but I fought the urge to. May kakaiba lang kasi akong nararamdaman na hindi ko mapangalanan. It's not suspicious, though. It's different from the usual thing I experienced.

Xydelle left for awhile. Nung ako na lang ang naiwan kasama ang parents niya, that's when my heart started to beat fast. Habang tumatakbo ang oras, mas lalong kumakabog sa kaba ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

"Here they are." Tita Avah mentioned.

When she stood up, napapikit ako. Something's really weird with me. I heard them exchanging their how are you's but I can't process everything in my mind right now.

"By the way, Xydelle's girlfriend was here. Nasaan na ba ang batang 'yon? Ang tagal naman yata sa CR." Sabi nito.

When I heard their footsteps coming from me, I tried to compose myself. I sighed deeply. I even closed my eyes bago ako tumayo at humarap sa kanila...

...na sana hindi ko na lang ginawa.

"Tita K-kelly---" Before I could finish my words, her palm greeted me. Isang malakas na sampal sa kaliwang pisngi ang natanggap ko.

My eyes watered. My knees and my body started trembling. Pain is struck in her eyes. I can't see any other reactions on her face but the anger I haven't seen for so long.

"How dare you? Of all people ikaw pa talaga yung makikita ko?" She gritted her teeth habang dinuduro ako nito.

She even gave me another slap again. Para akong lantang gulay na napaupo na lamang sa sahig. Principal Avah and Tito Gab were shocked. Hindi nila alam kung anong nangyayari. They helped me to stand up pero sobrang bigat ng katawan ko para makatayo pa.

Until now, Tita Kelly's still mad at me. Galit siya sa akin. Sobrang galit. For three fucking years, her hatred against me didn't fade. Mas lalo lang iyon nadagdagan. Kita ko na rin ang pagpatak ng kanyang luha. Muli niya akong sinampal na para bang mawawala no'n ang sakit na mararamdaman niya.

"TITA!" Anger is evident on Xydelle's tone. I felt him run to me and I can't look at him. Ang sakit kasi.

"WHO GAVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO HURT HER, TITA?" He raved.

Xydelle tried to stand me up pero hindi ko kaya at hindi ko na rin mapigilan pa ang pag-iyak ko. Bakit? Bakit nangyayari ang mga ito sa akin?

"You're protecting that girl? Do you even know her?" Tita Kelly pointed me. She loathed me. That much.

"SHE KILLED YOUR COUSIN XYDELLE! SHE'S THE REASON WHY KEIZER PASSED AWAY!"

Pair of tears fell from my eyes. It was like a bomb that was threw directly on me. Hearing that words again after three years, it broke my heart. Parang pinupunit ang puso ko.

Xydelle looked at me puzzled. His jaw tightened. Mabilis niya akong hinila sa kamay palabas nitong restaurant. Tears kept on streaming down my face. I am just crying silently. Napahilamos ito ng mukha bago niya ako lingunin. He clenched his fist. He went nearer to me at tinitigan ako ng mabuti.

"Is that true?" Pain and hatred drew in his eyes. Hindi ako makasagot. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasagutin yung tanong niyang iyon.

"I'M ASKING YOU, IS THAT TRUE?!" I bit my lip. Hoping that it would stop my tears. "FUCK IT! ANSWER ME!"

"Xydelle..." My voice cracked. I heard him cursed many times.

Paikot-ikot at pabalik-balik lang siya sa harapan ko habang wala akong tigil sa kaiiyak. I am crying silently in front of him. Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan niya ako sa magkabila kong balikat. He tried to meet my gaze but I couldn't look into his eyes.

"Baby please tell me that's not true, right?" His voice was soft but I can feel the pain in it. I can clearly see tears in his eyes, too.

"Baby please, tell me that's not true." He pleaded. Pinunasan nito ang luha sa pisngi ko.

He made his forehead touched mine, begging for me to talk. Nakapikit ang mga mata nito pero kitang-kita ko kung paanong lumandas ang luha niya roon.

"I'm sorry." Saying that words, naramdaman kong bumagsak ang dalawa niyang kamay na nakahawak sa balikat ko kanina. Napahilamos siya ng mukha.

"I'm sorry." Napapikit ako ng mata nung maramdaman kong sinuntok nito yung pader na nasa gilid ko. His knuckles are now bleeding.

Mabilis ko siyang nilapitan at hinawakan ko ang kanyang kamay pero tinulak niya ako palayo.

"Umalis ka na." Matigas niyang sabi. Simple lang ang pagkakasabi niya 'non pero ang bigat sa dibdib.

"Xydelle..."

"Please, umalis ka na."

"Xydelle, it's not what you're thinking. Let me explain." Hinawakan ko siya sa braso niya pero tinabig niya lang iyon at tinulak ako ng malakas sa pader.

He harshly cornered me on the wall with his gritted teeth. I can see how angry he is right now. Hindi ko alam pero parang hinati ng pira-piraso ang puso ko.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He emphasized, full of hatred and pain.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa siya tingnan. Sobrang ramdam ko yung galit niya para sa akin.

"Xydelle please, hear my side, p-please."

"What for? That won't bring him back anymore." Bawat salita na namumutawi sa kanyang bibig ay parang kutsilyong paulit-ulit na tinatarak sa puso ko.

"I'm fucking curious about everything but I didn't ask. You never heard me ask. Now this?" Hindi makapaniwalang saad nito kasabay ng pagak niyang pagtawa.

Napaupo na ako ng tuluyan sa sahig dahil nanghihina ako sa mga sinabi niya. Memories of that day flashed on my mind. Akala ko yun na ang masakit, hindi ko alam na may mas isasakit pa pala.

"I don't want to see you anymore." Deeply pained, I looked at him with tears falling.

"Xydelle..."

"Habang nakikita kita, naaalala ko lang yung pagkamatay ng pinsan ko. Please leave." Mariin nitong sabi habang hindi man lang ako tinatapunan ng tingin. Umiling ako sa kanya. Paulit-ulit na umiling.

"I SAID LEAVE!" His words were like a dagger to me na paulit-ulit sinasaksak sa puso ko. Frustrated, he once punched the wall. "FUCK!" He muttered and left without even glancing at me.

He left just like that. Doon na naging matunog ang pag-iyak ko. Doon lang din nag-sink in ang lahat sa utak ko.

Xydelle was Keizer's cousin. Off all people, why it has to be him?

Sa katotohanang iyon, mas lalong pinipiga ang puso ko sa sakit. I never thought truth could be this painful.

Hindi ko alam kung paano pa akong nakaalis sa lugar na iyon. Napadpad na lang ako sa isang park. People gathered for the countdown. They are so happy while here I am, slowly dying because of this painful reality.

Madaling araw na akong umuwi sa bahay.
Pagkabukas ko ng gate, parang naiipit ang hininga ko. I tried to go inside my room quietly pero muling tinakpan ng mga luha ang mukha ko dahil sa boses na narinig ko.

"Princess, sana nagpasundo ka---Fuck! What happened to you?!" Nang iniharap ako ni Kuya sa kanya, mas lalo lang akong napaiyak. "Shit! Anong nangy---" I weakly threw my body on him.

Hindi pa ba sapat na naging magulo ang buhay ko? Hindi pa ba sapat ang mga sakit na pinagdaanan ko? Why do I have to suffer all of this?

"Kuya, ang sakit." I felt him tapped my back. Inayos ni Kuya yung buhok ko na tumatabing sa mukha ko at pinunasan niya ang luha ko.

"Princess, answer me. What happened?" Nag-aalalang tanong nito sa akin.

"He's Keizer's cousin." Kuya cursed and my tears fell again. Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at sinusubukan akong patahanin.

"Tita Kelly's still mad at me." Habang sinasabi ko ang mga iyon, paulit-ulit, parang sirang plaka na pabalik-balik sa isip ko yung nangyari kanina.

Hinigpitan ni Kuya ang yakap niya sa akin. He let me cry on his shoulders habang ikinukuwento ko sa kanya lahat ng nangyari kanina.

"Nabigla lang siya Princess. I know he'll understand you." Napailing na lang ako. Sana nga. Sana nga naiintindihan niya ako pero yung galit na nababasa ko sa mga mata, it's impossible for him to understand me anymore.

"Princess, listen to me. They were cousins at nawalan siya ng pinsan. Nagalit siya sayo kasi hindi niya in-expect lahat ng 'to. For now, just give him the space he needs." I bit my lower lip, hoping that it would cover the pain I'm feeling.

"Kuya, paano naman ako? Nawalan din ako." Napahilamos ako ng mukha.

Nawalan sila, ganun din ako. Kung nasasaktan sila, mas nasasaktan ako. I've been carrying that pain since then pero bakit kailangang ganito ang trato nila sa akin?

Naiintindihan ko naman sila. Naiintindihan ko yung galit nila sa akin. May karapatan silang magalit sa akin pero wala ba akong karapatang mapakinggan man lang? Why do they always end up blaming me? Why they just can't listen on my side first instead of judging me, instead of thinking na ako talaga ang may kasalanan ng lahat?

"Sobrang sakit lang kasi na pati siya, ang turing sa akin ay isang mamamatay tao." Mas lalo akong naiyak sa isipang iyon.

After all these years, after all the pain I've experienced, don't I deserve the right to be heard even for once?