FOUR
axel brown needs a break

@username1: man so you're telling me one of our guys is checking us out in the locker rooms? tf?

@username2: That's so weird wtf. If I find that freak checking me out I'll beat his ass no CAP

@username3 some of y'all are dramatic as fuck. people are gay, brad. oh no!
@username2 replied: I bet you're one of them lol weird ass
@username4 replied: oh no is right. gay people shouldn't exist lmao take your account off private, pussy

Axel couldn't stop himself from scrolling through the comments on that post Raegan showed him. 98% of the comments were homicidal, homophobic assfucks. The other 2% were decent human beings getting death threats.

He rubbed at his face, going to report the post once again. Axel knew Jonah was more than likely obsessing over everything being said — if Axel was him, he would be, too. Fueling his anxiety and fear about coming out. Probably sinking deeper and deeper into denial and internalized hatred for something he couldn't help.

        Axel never thought he'd feel bad for Jonah, of all people. The dickhead who went along with Harrison's plans to torment Nasir. His anger toward him didn't dissolve much even after Nasir said Jonah was "actually a pretty okay guy." Because he got Vincent for you? Because he suddenly stopped treating you like shit? I can't forgive him for that.

         But at the same time, he wanted to help him. No one deserved to go through this bullshit alone. It was terrifying. If Axel didn't have Raegan when he was realizing he wasn't straight, he (quite honestly) would've killed himself. To be completely fucking blunt about things. It was the truth.

        Axel closed his eyes. He didn't want to see another person give up. He couldn't see another person give up. Not when he had the ability to help them.

       If Jonah didn't talk to him in the next week, he was going to approach him himself. If he genuinely didn't want any help, then Axel would back off. He knew when to stop. Most of the time.

He put his phone down and went back to his homework, tapping the blunt eraser of his pencil against the notebook sitting beside him. He fucking hated online assignments. He had to retake them constantly because he forgot there were certain rules on how to write out your answers.

"Fuck," he hissed. He typed in .25, but apparently it was 0.25. "It's the same fucking thing! What the fuck? I'm gonna fucking — " He mimed punching the shit out of his laptop, and he was pretty sure he would've had his phone not chimed with a notification.

I swear to fuck if it's a Remind that I need to do this assignment — Oh. Definitely not a school thing.

@notjomama wants to send you a message.

Axel snorted at his username. Alright, maybe it was a school thing. He accepted the request, reading the text Jonah sent him.

notjomama – This is you, right?

axolotl_ – nice username, bitch boy

notjomama – so it is. Okay. Fuck you

axolotl_ – i was finna say already did but i fucked u didn't i but what's poppin' how'd u find me tf

notjomama – Vincent follows you, so. I didn't know how else to contact you please don't be weird because this is actually took a long time nd I don't wanna regret it thanks

axolotl_ – shit i guess

axolotl_ – what do u want my guy

notjomama – I'm desperate dude

axolotl_ – (;

notjomama – No.

axolotl_ – ):

notjomama – Be serious for one fucking second jfc. Idk what I'm doing and I need help and you're the only person who knows. please help bc this actually required me to sacrifice a shit ton of my pride to text you of all people

axolotl_ – i have the opportunity to verbally smack the shit outta u for that but i won't bc i can be nice

notjomama – Just fucking help me

axolotl_ – boy i'm finna 🤜🏽🤡💀like u gon die if u don't stop being a fuckin bitch ANYWAY talk

       Jonah kept typing, then stopping, then typing again, so Axel put his phone to the side and continued with his assignment. I'm surprised it didn't take him weeks to text me. It only took about three days. Axel frowned a little. He must be really goddamn desperate. Axel could understand why. But — he could fix the damn attitude.

Axel was a whole hour into his homework, about to finish up, when Jonah finally texted him back. Took him long enough, he thought bitterly. I forgot what I said last. For fuck's sake.

notjomama – listen, I know I'm gay. I'm not in denial or anything, or internalized homophobia or whatever the fuck. I have my own reasons why I act like that, but that's too long of a story.
I know I'm gay. people just scare the everloving shit out of me. did you see what they were saying under that post? there were DEATH THREATS. How are you able to be you so freely? I don't get it. you and Nasir do it so easily. hell, even Vincent (I know him and Nasir are dating, it's so painfully fucking obvious).
you flirt with guys and girls so easily. how are you not scared? I knew you were attracted to me, and yet I still feared that you'd knock me the fuck out if I took you up on your offer, so I got shitfaced. I was scared people would see me. And look where that got me. They did.
I just don't know how to be more comfortable with myself. okay? That's it.

      Axel stared down at the message, surprised. He wanted to know what Jonah meant when he said that it was "too long of a story." But he brushed it aside, knowing that they weren't close enough for that shit, and probably (thankfully) never would be.

axolotl_ – imma be real honest w u chief. the reason i'm so open is bc i'm already a minority getting shit on by racists and the justice system so i might as well just say fuck it and be a queer too. i might as well go out w a bang (that has two meanings (; )

notjomama – Are you fr or

axolotl_ – yeah mf i'm just vibin as a double minority

notjomama – :/

axolotl_ – da fuck does that mean fuck u nasir pulls the whole :/ and ):< thing too u better miss me w that

notjomama – Whatever. forget I asked

axolotl_ – the fuck do u want me to say??? that i'm not scared bc i can defend myself and have hope for the future that people will stop being dickfucks? it doesn't fuckin work like that.

axolotl_ – i'd rather die as an open black, queer man than die with the regret that i never got to be who i was. that's all i have for you. do what u want with it

The message was marked as seen, but nothing came after. Axel sighed and exited the app, reverting his attention to his laptop screen. Fuck this fucking homework, he thought, but finished it anyway after retaking it. I'm in a shit mood.

        Axel wasn't expecting to have to be some closeted guy's therapist.

___

"Bless this food to our bodies, Lord, and let us hold you in our hearts. In Jesus name we pray, Amen."

"Amen," Axel echoed softly, letting go of his mother and father's hands. He lightly nudged his veggies to one side of his plate, listening to his parents dig into their food. He wasn't that hungry.

"Don't play with your food, Axel," Dad scolded. "You're not a child. Eat."

Axel clenched his jaw. "I'm not hungry," he told him. "May I be excused?"

"Absolutely not," Dad snapped. "Eat. Don't be ungrateful. Your mother spent a lot of her time making this."

You're acting like I can't fucking heat it up another time. As always, you're just trying to find an excuse to get mad at me. "I'm grateful. How're you gonna say I'm not?" he muttered before he could stop himself.

"What was that, Axel?"

He gritted his teeth. "Nothing."

"No, speak up." Dad set his fork down and turned all of his attention onto his son. Axel glanced at his mother, who looked like she wanted to intervene. "Come on. Say it again, see what happens."

"I didn't say anything."

"Uh-huh. I know what you're thinking," Dad sneered, picking up his wine glass and taking a sip. "I know you're thinking awful things about your mother and I. It's all you do. All you do is be disrespectful."

Axel sighed through his nose. I fucking hate having dinner with this asshole. "That's not what I'm thinking."

Dad scoffed. "Sure. I know you better than you know yourself, young man."

It was that statement that made Axel snap. "You know me?" Axel asked disbelievingly, letting out a bitter laugh. "You don't know a single thing about me. You don't know what goes through my head at every moment in the day. You don't even know what my hobbies are. Or what I want to be when I'm older. Or my favorite color. So how are you going to claim you know me better than I know myself?"

"That's it, Axel." Dad stood up. "I've had enough of your disrespect."

"My disrespect?" Axel shouted, feeling like he was going to go insane. "I wouldn't act like this if you didn't give me a reason to! All you do is disrespect me!"

Dad raised his hand. "Hey!" Mom yelled, pushing out of her chair and walking over to them. "Do not do this at the table. Axel, you're excused. Jack, sit down."

Axel left right away. He stormed upstairs and slammed his door shut with all his might, locking it after. He paced back and forth, wishing he had more fucking hair to grab and tug at. His chest was heaving with unreleased anger — he needed to hit something. Do anything. Anything to get rid of this bullshit.

"I'm going crazy," Axel whispered to himself, letting out a half hysterical laugh. He folded his hands atop his head, feeling tears prick at the back of his eyes. "Oh my fuckin' God — I can't do this. I can't fuckin' do this anymore."

He tried to even out his heavy breathing as he grabbed his keys and wallet. He texted Raegan a quick I'm coming over text and left his room, marching back downstairs. His steps were heavy, leading to his father's angry call of his name.

"Axel!" The man walked into the entryway just as he swung the front door open. "Axel! Get back here, right this instant — Axel!"

Dad's voice was muffled as he slammed his car door shut, locking them almost immediately after getting in. Panic consumed him when he saw his father storming over, so he started the engine and shoved the stick into reverse, pulling out quickly before he could even put on his seatbelt.

          He only felt calmer when his house was out of sight. But he was halfway through the drive to Raegan's when tears started to blur his vision and he had to pull over into a convenience store parking lot. He leaned his forehead against the wheel and took deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists. I'm going insane, I swear I am.

         Get some water, he remembered Nasir telling him one time, when Axel was panicking before. Go somewhere quiet. Lay down, if you can. Close your eyes. Focus on breathing, or taking sips of water. It helps.

          Axel sniffed, killing the engine and sliding out of his car. His legs felt wobbly as he pushed his way inside the convenience store, dragging himself to the back to grab a giant ass bottle of water from the fridge. He snatched up a packet of sour stripes as well, making his way to the counter, then freezing instantly.

         Jonah looked just as shocked to see him. Axel immediately turned back around, straight to the drinks section where he couldn't be seen. Fuck, he thought. It's so fucking obvious I've been crying. I refuse to show weakness in front of this bitch. Refuse. He took another deep breath and walked right back up to the counter, setting his two items down.

           There was a tense silence as Jonah scanned the items. Then, "You paying with cash or card?" Axel pulled out a ten dollar bill, handing it over.

            Jonah cleared his throat. "You high or something?" he asked while grabbing his change.

           Axel scoffed. "I fuckin' wish," he muttered. "But no. Allergies."

          Jonah dropped the change into Axel's palm. "Oh, uh. By the way... Sorry for not responding. I just — " He rubbed at his face. "I had to get ready for work. This thing. And I didn't have time to respond."

          Axel arched a brow. "You work here," he stated bluntly. "How can you not have time?"

          "I can't use data on my phone, and the wifi here sucks, so."

          "Ah."

          Jonah looked uncomfortable. "Thanks — " It sounded so fucking forced, " — for talking to me, I guess. It helped a bit."

           "Mm. No problem."

          Axel went to leave, but Jonah spoke up again. "Uh, shit. Sorry. Do you — you said you weren't high. But do you want to be?"

           Count my interest piqued. "You supplyin'?"

            "Yeah."

            Axel was about to agree, until he remembered Raegan, and that Raegan's parents would not be happy to see her best friend fucking zooted. "Depends. If I roll one with you, will you lemme crash at your place?"

          Jonah stared at him as if he'd lost his mind. "Uh..."

          "Forget about it. I'm good, thanks though."

          "Wait."

          Axel's eye twitched. Make up your fucking mind, dude. For fuck's sake. "What?"

          "Okay," Jonah blurted. Axel gave him a blank look. "You...You can stay at mine. But, you're sleeping on the sofa."

          "Obviously."

         Jonah nodded. "I get off in an hour. Can you wait that long?"

          "Mhm."

         "Alright."

        Axel waited for a second, to make sure he didn't have something else to say, then exited the shop. He sat in his car, a sour stripe being sucked into his mouth like a fruit roll-up. He typed out a text to Raegan.

rae bae –
Okay, everything good?

axolotl –
nvm about that. i'm about to go get high lol i have somewhere else to stay at

rae bae –
It's not someone sketchy is it??? Please be careful

axolotl –
nah it's cool. i know him. i'll be careful tho love u

rae bae –
Love you too, stupid

       Axel leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. He pressed his cold water bottle against his cheek, which was red and warm from crying so much. As he sat there, he couldn't help but think how the decision he'd just made was probably a stupid one.

If I wasn't feeling so fucking shitty, I would've declined. I don't want to be around Jonah more than I have to be. He opened his eyes to watch him through the windows. Jonah smiled at a customer who walked up to him. Damn. He has a nice smile. Too bad he's a piece of shit.

Axel ended up dozing off, and when he woke up, it was to knocking at his window. He startled, finding Jonah standing outside his door, hands shoved inside his pockets, jumping slightly in place. The wind was whipping his hair around. He rolled the window down.

"I told my ride that I got another one," Jonah said. "So..."

Axel unlocked the car. Jonah gave him a tense smile and walked around to get into the passenger seat, buckling himself in. The atmosphere was so fucking thick with tension, so much so that Axel felt as if he could've fucking slept on it.

"You're not offering me weed to get my dick, right?"

Jonah cursed quietly. "No, you fucking weirdo. I'm trying to pay you back for not being a total fucking dick to me."

"Mhm."

"Whatever. Fuck you. Drive, and I'll give you directions."

"As you wish, bitch boy."

"Shut the fuck up."

___

A/N: yahooooooo