Patient name: Izuna Uchiha

Date of birth: 13/09/1985

Journal entry: 02/01/2023, doctor's meeting.

Currently: Meeting between doctors of the ward. Care unit consultant, two consultants, two specialists and three specialists in training present. The present topic of discussion is the patient's relationship with co-patient. Some ward staff have expressed that the relationship between the patients is inappropriate and also expressed worry that the two patients will egg each other on if one self-harms. So far, nothing of the sort has happened for either patient, unknown how big the risk would be if one self-harms. The only incidence that has occurred is that they ran away from a compulsory care permission, police unable to find them. Came back after two hours and seemed to have been using those two hours to enjoy themselves. The co-patient told care unit consultant of that week they bathed in a lake and bought ice cream. Since then they have been allowed out on one permission alone after careful consideration by care unit consultant. Uneventful. Came back as planned. In the ward their interaction is mellow, usually current patient plays pool while other patient reads or works on his laptop in the same room. There is deemed to be no harm in the two patients interacting at the moment. On the contrary, both patients are on the betterment, which is particularly remarkable for current patient who has been an in-patient for almost eight months.

Planning: No attempt to separate the two patients. If their interaction is deemed to be damaging for any one of them, a new meeting will be held to discuss further actions. In that case it might be beneficial to separate the two and forbid them to interact. All doctors in the meeting are in agreement. 

It was wonderful.

It was well and truly dream-like.

To see him get better.

I would never forget his desperate screams the day he was admitted. I would never forget how he'd been jabbed and forced to sleep. And I would never forget how sullen he'd seemed that first time he talked to me, when I played pool. He had been polite, yes. But there had been something about his entire demeanour that I could only describe as a wet blanket settling in the entire room. It was heavy. It was for real.

But now...

There was a lightness to the man, a light. He was still like the moon, my moon-man, but he didn't provide a bittersweet gloom but rather a promising glow. Tobirama who was well wasn't loud, or boisterous. Tobirama who was well was soft, caretaking, sure of himself and his place in this world, and by my side. And that personality suited me perfectly.

I had never really missed having a partner. I just couldn't imagine myself with one. I had read about it in books, how it felt being in love, the butterflies, the nerves. It sounded pretty awful, to be honest. But for me, being in love turned out to be nothing like that. Whether it was my diagnosis, or my personality, or the moon-man, I didn't know, but I liked my way of being in love much, much better. For me, being in love was about being calm and deeply, deeply satisfied.

He lay opposite me in my bed in the ward, fully dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt. I saw the fibres in his bicep play as he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear over and over; I had it loose for the night. He was looking at me, deep into my eyes, unable to let go. I didn't want him to let go of my eyes. Or any other part of me either, for that matter.

"You know..." he said with his deep voice, such a contrast to mine. "Before I came here... I felt like I was the moon, soaring through the sky and I wanted nothing more but to lay down and rest. But I felt like I was forced. Forced to stay up in the sky against my will. It was the worst feeling in the world. And I took a gun and shot at the moon over and over to make it fall, believing it was a balloon, only to realise it was made of stone." He put his hand to my cheek. "But now... God, I wish I could soar through the sky forever. Because even that wouldn't be enough to get to know every atom of you."

I brought his free hand, which I was holding in both of mine as I was snuggled up next to him in bed in my pyjama, to my lips and just put it there. His words did something with my heart. Something I loved. Just as I loved him.

"Tobirama..." I looked down for the first time in probably an hour, trying to think of a neat way to pose my question.

"Mmm?" He sounded as if he was enjoying the sensation of my lips on his hand. They were as soft on his skin as the fat snowflakes falling outside the window of the room that had been mine for so long.

"What happened that night?" He rose up on his elbow at the question, looked at me with furrowed brows. "You know... When you came in? I saw how much agony you were in, so it must have been awful."

"You saw when I came in?"

"Well, I definitely heard it."

He couldn't help but smile in a way that made me understand I'd said something funny. Then, he looked away in a way that made me know this was very, very hard for him to talk about.

"It wasn't anything in particular that had happened that evening. I just decided that I'd had enough. That I didn't want to do it anymore." He looked back at me, but not on my eyes but rather on my heart. I loved that. Then, he kept talking to my heart. "The thought had crossed my mind before. Of course it had. But rather as a daydream, a fantasy to make life more bearable. It was a comfort, knowing in the back of my mind that that solution was always there. But that day... I'd had a fair bit of wine, like most nights to cope. But then, I did a shot of Vodka. Then a few more. I never combine wine and vodka otherwise. What happened next is just a gap, but I was at the top of the Thomson bridge." My hand flew to my mouth. "I was so frightened. So, so frightened I wasn't going to jump. But I did."

"What..." I whispered. There was no way anyone could survive such a fall.

"I jumped. But a policeman got hold of me."

"You... You jumped? You actually jumped?" My voice cracked.

"My feet were both outside the edge of the bridge."

And it dawned on me. It well and truly dawned on me how close this man had been to death.

Half a second later and he wouldn't have been here, in my arms, ever.

And life wouldn't had played out the same.

I started trembling.

There was ringing in my ears.

Black dots swam before my eyes and melted together until I was blind.

And behind all of it I could hear the voice of my moon-man trying to comfort me.

I started screaming.

Tobirama held me close as I screamed and screamed and screamed. A part of me, a more primitive part, tried to wriggle free to hurt myself but his arms were strong around me, held me still, held me safe as he kissed the top of my head over and over again. Some other, less primitive part of me anchored itself to that.

"I'm sorry", he murmured. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you. I shouldn't have told you."

I heard the door open at one point, and heard Steven's voice, but he must've decided Tobirama was on top of the situation because soon, he left. After ten minutes or so, the panic subsided, and I calmed down.

"I'm so sorry", I whispered.

"No, Izuna, I'm the one who should be sorry", he said.

"I just can't believe how close my future self was to losing you."

"But he didn't" he said. "You didn't. I'm here. I love you."

I clung to him with all my might.

"I love you", I said back. "So much."

We fell asleep together. 

The consultant looked at me sincerely.

"I heard you had a panic attack."

"Yes", I said dully.

"What happened?"

"Tobirama told me the story about how he came to be here."

"Hmm..." The consultant didn't look all that happy about that. I cursed myself. I should have lied. Although I was incapable of lying so what was the point in even thinking that thought? "Did you have thoughts of self harm?"

"Yes."

"What stopped you?"

"Tobirama held me."

"I heard you shared bed tonight."

"That's none of your business."

"Actually, it is", she said. "It's forbidden here."

"I'm thirty-seven. You can't lock me into here for eight months and expect me to behave like a monk."

If she was surprised by my sassiness, she didn't let it show. Or, if she did, I couldn't read it. I couldn't read anyone but Tobirama.

"Hmm", was all she said. I didn't like her.

I left the meeting feeling confused, locked into my own world. How could what me and Tobirama had be questioned? We were both feeling better, weren't we? Were they seeing something I didn't because of my autism? The thought terrified me. But in that case, shouldn't Tobirama see it, too? Or was it something you only saw when you were educated healthcare staff? I was an aerodynamic engineer. Tobirama was in IT. What did we know?

I passed the dayroom, where Tobirama sat reading a book. I furrowed my brows when I saw him. Was I hurting him? He looked up, and as he saw me, his entire face broke into a smile, and my knees weakened a little. As he saw I wasn't coming to join him, his face softened, and he turned back to his book. I loved that about him. He just accepted me for who I was in every moment, and he knew that me not wanting to sit down with him didn't mean I liked him any less but just that I needed some time on my own. Now, however... I wanted to join him, but I hesitated.

We slept separately that night, as we did most nights. Or, rather, I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were full of him, of us. In the morning, I was exhausted, and I stayed in bed until lunchtime, when Steven came into my room. His face was calm, kind.

"The consultant would like to see you."

"I don't want to see the consultant", I said.

"Why not?" Steven asked.

"I don't think I want to know what she has to say."

I was absolutely right in that. In the room was not only the consultant, but also a specialist in training, and they were both carrying alarm buttons, something they only did in conversations when there was a risk of the patient becoming violent. They had never, ever worn an alarm button with me. I felt deeply offended.

"Izuna. Please, sit down."

"I prefer to stand."

The consultant was quiet for a while, then decided to drop it.

"We've had a meeting. The doctors. Our decision is that you should keep your distance to Tobirama." Even if I had known what was coming, I felt my heart sink. I searched my innards for a lifebuoy I could throw to my sinking heart, but found none. I knew that lifebuoy was within the soul of my moon-man and I wasn't allowed there anymore. "You are not to share bed. I do not want you to interact. I do not want you in the same room. The reason is-"

"I don't care about the reason", I interrupted.

"But if we explain-"

"I do not want to hear", I said. "Please..." My voice cracked. "May I leave?" Tears burned behind my eyes. It physically hurt me.

The doctors were quiet for a while. Then, the consultant let me leave.

And I left. The tears burned my vision, but I had been here for so long now that I found my way to my room anyway. I lay down in my bed, careful to keep it linear.

Then, I began to cry softly.

There was a knock on the door, and Steven came in; I recognised his footsteps. He came to my bed, sat down.

Then, he did something he'd never done before. He put his hand on my head.

And I accepted it.

"I'm so sorry, Izuna", I said. "I tried to convince them otherwise."

"I just don't understand", I said.

What hurt wasn't their decision per se, if I was being honest. It was the fact that they knew I would obey. They knew they would not only try to take away the most important thing in my life away from me; they would succeed.

"There, there", he comforted as I cried my heart out. "There, there."

I began avoiding him with all my might.

They must have told him avoid me, too, but as opposed to me, Tobirama took every opportunity to try to get in touch with me. I saw him in the corridors several times, looking for me, but I turned the other way. He even texted me several times, even if we had never used that as our way of communication before.

Moon-man <3: Where are you? We need to talk.

Moon-man <3: Izuna, I don't give a FUCK about them wanting to keep us apart. They can't force us.

Moon-man <3: Izuna, PLEASE!!

I didn't answer him. It broke my heart, but I was frightened I wouldn't be able to keep myself from breaking the rules. I was terrified of not being able to hold back from talking to him, and hurt him as the doctors were worried I would, and so risk him standing on top of that bridge again. The thought of it made the urge to self-harm so strong, I could hardly stand it. It was my responsibility to save him.

One day, when I was playing pool in the dayroom, Tobirama finally caught me. I didn't notice until he stood in the middle of the room.

"Izuna."

I jerked and looked up. Then, when I saw the pain in his face, I immediately looked down.

"Please..." I whispered.

"Izuna, listen-"

I dropped the cue down and ran past him.

He did not follow.

And from then on out, he started respecting my wish to avoid him.

He didn't turn hostile at all, didn't avoid me, but when he saw me but just smiled, and went on with what he was doing. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But I trusted the doctors, and they had decided it wasn't good for him to be close to me, so I endured. I love brutes for his sake.

Days passed. Weeks passed. Then, one day, as I was laying on the couch in the dayroom solving the cube, Steven came in.

And he said the one thing I didn't know I had been so terrified of.

"Tobirama is going on permission."

Something icy cold grabbed my heart then. Permission. Going out of the ward for a few hours or a night. Not for my sake as that day at the lake but for his own. All of my time here had taught me that once a patient started going on permissions, they would soon be written out. Tobirama was going to be written out, and I was going to be left behind, forever without him.

The effect on me was immediate. I didn't know how it happened, but suddenly, I was on the floor, screaming my heart out, banging my head against the wall. Badly. And I knew it was serious because Steven was holding me, actually holding me which he never did, trying to force me off the wall as I banged my head over and over, not to hurt myself, not to escape reality but to die, to well and truly die, and Steven had no chance against my size. I screamed until my throat started bleeding, I banged my head until stars swam before my eyes.

And then, I noticed a different presence in the room.

Tobirama. My moon-man, my beautiful, heart-breakingly lovely moon-man, was standing in the doorway to the room, hand over his mouth, his facial expression displaying terror at the scene before him.

He has never seen me like this, I realised. He has never seen what my autism well and truly means.

And before I had time to calm down, he had walked away.

Tobirama went on his permission. Just a night, then came back the day after. I hadn't been able to sleep without him in the ward; I slept badly most nights anyway but without him in the ward, sleeping was impossible. Although as he came back, I immediately noticed something had changed between us. Or, rather, something had changed regarding how he saw me.

He didn't smile at me anymore. He didn't emit kindness as soon as we were close by. Instead, whenever he saw me, he would furrow his brows, turn around, and walk away. 

It broke my heart.

I had been so adamant in my belief that he accepted me for who I was, I hadn't even considered the possibility that he might not. He obviously couldn't handle the worst part of me, the part of me that was most important for him to be able to maybe not handle, but to at least understand, and I hadn't understood how much it meant to me that I thought he could until I lost it. Seeing an autistic person in tantrum had been too much for him, and he had turned his back on me.

His permissions became longer and longer. Steven had stopped talking to me about Tobirama altogether after the tantrum, but I noticed Tobirama was away most nights.

Until one day, I realised it had been two whole weeks without me seeing Tobirama.

Where were he? Was he hiding in his room? I tried texting him, my first text to him ever. My first text to anyone, ever, to be honest.

Me: Where are you?

He didn't answer.

Finally, I asked Steven.

"Where is Tobirama?"

Steven furrowed his brows.

And then it struck me.

It struck me where Tobirama was.

"Tobirama got written out."