Patient name: Izuna Uchiha

Date of birth: 13/09/1985

Journal entry: 05/05/2022, admittance journal entry

Past medical history: Trauma in childhood in the form of violence and sexual abuse by father. Mother admitted to home for drug addicts when patient was two. Autism diagnosed at age 11, highly intellectual. Before then severe problems with OCD and tics. Problems with OCD remain. In teens and early twenties depression, several suicide attempts, many of them severe in the form of intoxication and hanging. Two rounds of severe anorexia nervosa where the last round required belting several times to provide nutrition through nasogastric tube to maintain patient's life. Removal of appendix in his teens, other than that no somatic illnesses. Denies alcohol or drug abuse. Alimemazine 0,50 ml on demand, no other medication.

Social: Father currently in prison. Mother in treatment home. No contact with either. No brothers or sisters. Holds a master's degree in aerodynamic engineering. On chronic sick leave from any work. Has an apartment, help daily from workers with planning chores. No social network.

Currently: Admitted after one and a half week in the intensive care unit. Patient was found 24/4 in his bathroom by home staff. Had hanged himself with a towel, unknown how long it had been ongoing but patient was unconscious and alive. Severe rashes on his arms causing traumatic blood loss. Ambulance to the ER, acute blood transfusion and surgery to close deep wounds. Admittance to intensive care due to septic shock, intravenous antibiotics for ten days. Patient is now deemed medically stable and is admitted to the psychiatric ward under the Act of Compulsory Psychiatric Care.

Patient does not partake in conversation spontaneously but answers most questions. Affirms suicide attempt. Affirms disappointment that he did not succeed. Denies relief that he's still alive. Affirms further plans. Remains quiet when asked about method. Patient is deemed to be in great risk of ending his own life. Informs him he will stay in the ward as an in-patient under the Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act. Informs him what this means and about his rights. Patient affirms he understands. Patient refuses antidepressants.

Psychological examination: Sparse formal, absent emotional contact. No eye contact. Answers questions adequately, respects turn-taking. Motorically suppressed. No suspicion about psychosis. Clear suicidal communication.

Planning: Alimemazine 0,5 ml if anxiety. New meeting with patient tomorrow to discuss further medication.

I woke up earlier than I usually did if left undisturbed.

My natural rhythm always made me to fall asleep past midnight and wake up at noon. This night, I hadn't been able to fall asleep at all. I'd even taken an extra dose of my Alimemazine, my anxiolytic medicine that was the only medicine I had and that also made me sleepy, but to no avail.

And I knew why.

I hadn't been able to fall asleep because I felt there was something missing.

I kept imagining his strong arms holding me, soothing me to sleep and once I'd imagined that, I couldn't fall asleep without it.

So I'd taken a risk. A huge one. I'd gone up, tip-toed to his room, making sure nobody noticed me. Outside his door, I has stood for a good half an hour, afraid, I think, of dismissal. What made me finally go in was the sound of footsteps in the corridor meaning a nurse was approaching, and I knew it was then or never if I didn't want to be discovered.

I'd gone in, and before I even gave myself the fraction of a second to think, I had crept up in his bed next to him.

And I had held my breath.

Second after second had passed, and I had been terrified that he'd snap out of it, tell me to fuck off. Ice cold dread has clenched at my heart, and I had chastised myself. This isn't what normal people do, Izuna! You can't just act on your cravings! You know better!

But then, just as I was about to get out of the heaven that was his bed, he'd put an arm around me and nuzzled my neck.

In that moment, my heart had spilled over to fill my body with so much happiness it felt as though I might burst.

The sensation of his arm around me hadn't caused me any discomfort as physical contact usually did. On the contrary, the weight of it, the dry skin, the soft hairs just seemed a perfect lullaby to sing me to sleep. And I had slept, deeply.

Still, it was only nine am when I woke up. I had set an alarm for nine-thirty as they usually woke me up at ten for breakfast, and I didn't want them to notice I wasn't in my room. When I woke up, the weight of his arm was gone, and I turned round to see he had turned over in his sleep, laying on his side now with his face to the wall. I leaned forwards and put my lips to his head; I just couldn't help myself. He sighed happily in his sleep and I smiled a little, a strange sensation as I usually never smiled no matter how content I was. My face just didn't react that way to happiness.

Now, it did.

I got up, tip-toed out, walked back to my room and took a powernap until ten, when a nurse woke me for breakfast. I came into the room where a bowl of yogurt with muesli and a plate with a cheese sandwich were already waiting for me.

And opposite my bowl and plate sat Tobirama with his own bowl and plate.

I had completely forgotten that he ate with me now, and was stunned into place. He must have woken up as I took my nap. He looked painfully casual, wearing a white T-shirt, his hair on end. He held his own sandwich in his hand. We shared bed, I thought. We actually shared bed tonight. It felt like a dream now, to such a degree that I doubted it had actually happened.

"Hi", he said, mouth full of bread. I couldn't say anything. "I missed you when I woke up."

And just like that, I knew it hadn't been a dream.

I felt myself blush, also a very new sensation for me.

"I had to be back in my room before they came to wake me up", I said.

"Smart boy", he said. "Or, I shouldn't say that. Is it true you're quite a bit older than me?"

"Depends on how old you are", I mumbled, looking down.

"Twenty-seven", he said.

"Then yes", I said.

We didn't say anything. I shoved my bowl and plate over to his side of the table, along with my glass of orange juice. Then, feeling incredibly watched and awkward, I went to his side of the table and sat down. I took the cucumber and cheese off the bread, preferring to eat them separately. I also poked out all dried cranberries out of my muesli as they were red because I didn't eat red things.

"You look younger than you are", he said.

"I know."

I realised too late that I might have been required to say "thank you", but he didn't seem at all bothered about my lack of recognition of the compliment. He took his spoon, shoved some muesli into his face.

"So..." he said. "Why are you here?"

I understood it was a very private question to ask, but I didn't feel it. Instead, I felt something I had never really felt before regarding my diagnosis. Shame. I was ashamed. Here was this man next to me, all neat and tidy and probably successful, with depression that could probably be cured as he seemed so competent. And then there was me, with a diagnosis I could never, ever scrub off my skin.

I had never been proud of my diagnosis. It actually bothered me when people were. If you were proud of your diagnosis, it meant it was so mild that it only caused you minor inconveniences. But for me, it was something that ruined my life, and I would do anything, anything to get rid of it. But I had never been ashamed of it, either. I had always been mostly indifferent to what others thought of me, as if I lacked that part of the brain that made you able to care. But now, I was ashamed because I wanted the man next to me to like me.

"Autism", I whispered.

"They don't lock people in here because they have autism, I hope", he said.

I was surprised by his lack of surprise. His respond was immediate, meaning he hadn't needed any time to contemplate my answer at all. I felt he was looking at me, which didn't stress me that much. As long as I didn't have to look back. Which I didn't.

"I tried to commit suicide", I said. "And they won't let me out because I'm still suicidal. Problem is, I can't lie. But I wish I could. I've been here for half a year now." Tobirama whistled. "I'm scared I won't be able to work ever again. Lead a normal life, you know?"

"What do you do for a living?" he asked.

"I'm an aerodynamic engineer. I draw planes." He whistled again. It excited me for some reason. I liked to think he was impressed by me.

"You must've been pretty functional at some point."

"I was. At least when it came to my education. I got my degree in Canada. Socially, however, not so much."

"Why do you want to die?" he asked casually.

I liked that about him. He was straightforward. I didn't have to read him that much. Or at all. If it was his personality or if he did it for my sake, I couldn't tell. But it didn't matter, really.

"That's the problem", I said. "I can't pinpoint it. It's a decision. A way it must be."

"Can the way it must be change?"

I turned and looked at him. He was looking at me with intent. There was a grey storm raging behind his colourless eyes, painting them all sorts of colours meaning there must have been a sun somewhere behind all that grey to create a rainbow.

"I haven't thought about that", I confessed.

"Well, think about that."

He humoured me. I let him.

"What about you?" I asked. I never asked questions because I wasn't interested in people. Maybe, things could change, just like Tobirama said. 

"Depression", he said simply.

"Yes, I figured, but why do you want to die?"

He chugged his glass of apple juice.

"It's my only way out."

"Is it your only way out, or the only way out you're able to see?"

This question seemingly struck at a heartstring within him, because he got something dream-like in his face then.

Suddenly, he lifted his hand, took a strand of my hair between his fingers. I don't know how he did it, but he froze time with that gesture. At least for me.

"I'll go to the gym", he suddenly said and stood up.

It wasn't until he left that I realised I'd finished my breakfast.

"There's something different about you, Izuna."

The consultant in front of me was a beautiful, grey lady with a short bob and strict clothes. But behind her stealthy exterior, she was one of the kindest doctors I'd ever met. I couldn't look her in the eye; I could only look Tobirama in the eye. But I didn't have to look away from her, either.

I didn't say anything as I didn't really know what to say. I had always been like that. If I couldn't come up with what to say, I didn't even deem it worth trying. It wasn't because I didn't think the people who asked me questions were worthy of an answer. It was just the way I was. It was different when I was with Tobirama, however. I'd noticed that with him, it was worth trying to answer every question.

"Is it Tobirama?" she asked and I felt myself shrink into my seat. "I've heard you two get along."

"Please don't take him away from me."

The words took me completely by surprise. I hadn't planned on saying them. I hadn't even thought them in my head. But they must have existed within me somewhere. Hidden for some reason. The consultant looked taken aback.

"Oh, no", she said softly. "Nobody is going to take him away from you, Izuna. I encourage you making friends. And since you're stuck here for the time being..." She smiled. I didn't say anything. "How are your suicidal thoughts?"

I thought for a bit.

"They're there. But not in the front of my mind."

"What's in the front of your mind?"

"Tobirama."

Oh, fuck my inability to lie.

"I see."

"I have been thinking..." I began.

The doctor became dead silent. I didn't blame her. Never had I ever said something spontaneous. I had answered questions, if I could. But I had never before asked for anything from a doctor. Not just during this round of hospitalisation, but ever.

I braced myself.

"I would like permission to go out. On walks."

I dared a few glances at the doctor. She looked at me quizzically.

"You mean... Outdoors?"

"Yes. I understand there must be members of staff with me. But I will not try to run away."

"That's a fantastic idea, Izuna! I have been wanting this for you!"

"There's just one condition..."

I could almost feel the doctor's glare at me.

"You want Tobirama with you, right?"

I nodded.

"I don't feel well", I said. "I need to try something else because what I've been doing has obviously not been working."

The consultant sighed, crossed her legs, took her glasses off.

"When you say you won't try to run, I believe you. But it's different with Tobirama. I don't know him well enough. I would have to talk to him."

"Well..." I said. "I can't promise anything about him, either. But just bring Steven and someone else who is fast and can run after him if he darts."

The doctor couldn't help but smile.

"You leave nothing to chance, do you, Izuna?" she said which I honestly thought was pretty stupid because why would I leave anything to chance if I could do something concrete about it? So I didn't answer. "Let me talk to him", the doctor said. 

Whatever Tobirama said must have been to her satisfaction because suddenly, Tobirama was in the doorway of my room.

"Ready?"

I looked at him. There was something about him that made me do that. Usually when I realised someone was in my proximity, I looked away to diminish the risk of accidental eye contact, but not with him. His voice made me instantly search for him. My soul instantly search for his. And it always seemed to find it.

He stood in the doorway looking casual in an oversized T-shirt and black jeans. I saw he had some black running shoes on. The veins in his arms were clearly visible making me understand he'd just been to the gym.

"Ready for what?" I asked stupidly.

Tobirama walked into my room, and dropped on one knee. I just stared. He took my hand in both of his. He had a mischievous spark in his eye.

"Izuna, would you like to go on a walk with me?"

I looked away, blushing.

"Yeah..."

"He said yes..." Tobirama said, feigning surprise. He turned round. "He said yes!!" he shouted.

"Oh, God, stop it", I said, hiding my face in my fee hand.

"So you do understand sarcasm?" he said.

"Shut up and go fuck yourself", I said.

Tobirama just laughed.

"Get out of those pyjama trousers. You can't walk in those."

So me, Tobirama, Steven and a female nurse who looked like she could crush me like an insect walked out. As soon as I felt the sun on my face, I closed my eyes on instinct, turned my face up. I hadn't even thought about how much I had missed the sun. The grounds outside the hospital were beautiful, actually, and as we started walking, me next to Tobirama, the nurses behind us, I almost forgot the lining of my Adidas sweatpants against my waist.

We walked around the grounds and into a forest. From time to time, me and Tobirama touched shoulders, and I would look at him walking beside me. It was strange, walking next to a man that wasn't too much shorter than me as it happened so rarely that I met someone who could somewhat match my height. He looked content to be out as well, and walked as someone who was completely at ease in his own skin. He didn't know how lucky he was, I thought, and found I felt no remorse. I found I desired for him to become better and get out of this place more than I desired the same thing for myself.

The further we walked, the more the nurses relaxed, and after a while, they were a good distance behind us. It was then that Tobirama leaned towards me.

"You know..." he murmured. "We could just... Run for it. Scare them a little."

I looked at him in chock.

"But that's against the rules!"

"We'll come back. We'll just be away for a couple of hours. Have fun. You up for it?"

No!! I thought. I never, ever disobeyed any rules. Ever. A big chunk of my soul screamed in distress by just the mere thought.

But there was a different part of my soul as well. A part that was screaming for release.

Live a little.

I didn't give myself time to go against that part.

I took Tobirama's hand.

"Run", I said.

For just the fraction of a second, he looked surprised. Then, he smiled.

And we started running.

"OY!!" we heard Steven scream, and the nurses started running after us.

"Izuna, run!!" Tobirama screamed and I could hear the glee in his voice.

It was contagious, and I screamed happily as I pulled his hand while we ran. I was happy to find I was actually faster than he was.

We ran and ran, deeper into the forest. At some point, we must have lost the nurses because when we arrived at a little lake, out of breath, we neither saw nor heard anyone chasing us.

"I'm so out of shape", Tobirama complained, leaning his hands on his knees. I saw his forehead glistening of sweat.

I didn't know what made me do it. But I believe it was the same part of my soul that had decided to run, that part that was screaming for release, that decided on this as well. I took one step towards Tobirama so I stood face-to-face with him, and locked eyes with him in that way I could do with only him and nobody else.

"Touch me", I demanded.

He looked up at me, lips slightly parted in surprise. His eyes stared into mine, his light ones and my brown ones like yin and yang, like so many other aspects of us.

"What..."

"Touch me", I repeated.

He hesitated for just an instance longer.

Then, he put his hand on my cheek and kissed me.

He actually kissed me.

I had never kissed anyone before. I found I liked the soft sensation of it. Or, maybe it was just sensation of him that I liked. I closed my eyes, tried to follow his lead. Suddenly, my knees buckled beneath me, like my body had a mind of its own, and I surrendered to it. Tobirama followed, sitting down on his knees, leaning forward until he was laying over me. He backed off for just the fraction of a second, looked at me below him, and I looked up at him, at his strong jaw, his long nose, his slightly furrowed brows.

"Don't stop", I whispered.

"Oh, I had no plan on stopping", he said.

We kissed again. 

We kissed for a long time. We bathed in the lake, completely naked and at ease. We lay in each other's arms drying in the sun. We kissed again. We went and got ice cream. After two hours, we figured it was time to go back to the ward. Hand in hand, we strolled back, no rush, talking and laughing. We knocked on the door of the ward, the one Tobirama had tried to flee out of so many times, and as they opened for us, we stumbled in, laughing out heads off. I had never before experienced fun like this in my life. I didn't know I had it within me.

"Did you have fun?"

The consultant of the day, the kind grey lady I liked, was standing opposite us, arms crossed, a stern expression on her face. My heart sank, but then I could see the corners of her mouth twitch.

I turned away, blushing. Next to me, Tobirama cleared his throat.

"Very", he said. "We had ice cream."

"Did you, now?"

She tried to stare us down. Both of us stood still, hand in hand, trying our Goddamnest not to burst out laughing.

Finally, the consultant spoke.

"You're allowed to go out next week same time again. You clearly are in no need of any nurses to accompany you."

We just stared after her as she clip-clopped away in her pumps.

Then, we turned to each other and laughed again.

I had ordered strawberry ice cream with bits even if I never ate red things just because I wanted to feel the taste of it on the tip of my tongue.