Date of today: 23/08/2023

Identity: Izuna Uchiha

Date of birth: 13/09/1985

Date of death: 18/08/2023

Cause of death: Suicide, jumping off Thomson bridge into water, died upon impact.

Past medical history: Patient with complex psychiatric history. Autism diagnosed in childhood, anxiety, depression, OCD, previous tics, previous anorexia nervosa, trauma in the form of sexual abuse. Over year-long in-patient psychiatric treatment under Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act, ended this year. In the end of this treatment period vast improvements. Continued improvements as out-patient with psychotherapy and Prozac treatment. Unknown why patient decided to end his life. Neither patient's partner nor his psychiatrist have noted any change in patient's behaviour prior to the suicide. On the contrary, patient's partner tells pathologist that they had started making plans for the future. Patient found at Thompson bridge as the last trace from patient's phone was sent from the top of it.

Evaluation of autopsy: Body found by divers after about two days underwater. Substantial swelling. Severely damaged body, severe open wounds, bowels externalised, one arm and both feet dislodged. Large amounts of water in lungs. Drug tests negative. No signs of external damage that could have been administered before impact. Patient is deemed to have died directly on impact with water surface. No suspicion of crime. Case dismissed. Patient is sent for cremation.

I closed my eyes, drew a deep breath that was as ragged as my life behind me.

The wind was just as cold as last time.

I looked over the edge. It was a fucking miracle I had come to stand here as they had finally fixed the hole in the fence. It had taken them so long to fix it. So long. Maybe, fixing physical faults was just as hard and time-consuming as fixing internal faults. Like my broken soul.

And my heart.

I had climbed over, just like Izuna had. I was surprised by how easy it was. I wondered if he had climbed the last time as well, or used the hole. If they had fixed it before or after.

I tried to force myself to feel, to understand what went through my head. It was as difficult as closing your eyes and trying to focus on a certain point out of all the patterns you saw behind your eyelids. I had no idea what I felt. I had no idea what I thought.

I leaned forwards to get a better look over the edge. It created a strange sensation beneath my feet, like eating ice with your front teeth. But the coldness beneath my feet was compensated for by the warmth in my heart. Finally. Finally, I am brave enough.

I smiled. I had wanted to do this ever since I realised he died. It had taken me a few days to realise, but as soon as I did, I had known this was what I wanted to do. 

I closed my eyes, tried to smile through my tears; I had noticed the pain became slightly, slightly more bearable then. My face felt dry, welcoming the humidity of the tears, absorbing it. The wind brought a thousand diamonds to my face, as if it had crushed the stars into powder and was now sprinkling that powder on my face. I wondered if it made my face beautiful.

I miss you. I miss you so much. There isn't one day going past that I don't wish I could speak to you. That I don't wish I could take you, just one second time. Just one last time.

Maybe, it was good that I hadn't known that the first time was also the last because if I had, it would have been too painful. Too unbearable. If I had the chance to do it again, would I take it? Or would I let it be the way it was? Natural, for real? Believing we had years and years and years to explore each other?

I was very aware of all sounds surrounding me. I was hyper-alert listening for police sirens. This time, they wouldn't get me. This time, I would be left in peace. The water below sounded and looked ominous, more dangerous than I had ever considered it. I wondered if my mind had censored it for me previously to minimise the risk of more life. But now, I was very aware of the true form of the water. 

I was just about to take another deep breath when I stopped myself. How many fucking deep breaths are you going to take before getting shit done?

It was Izuna's voice who said it; not mine. It happened sometimes. That the voice that had been with me throughout my life, the voice that was my thoughts, was replaced with his. Sometimes, I pretended it was because Izuna was with me, because how else would his voice just suddenly appear in my head without me deciding it would? I didn't believe it for shit, but it provided me some comfort.

It's time. It's time now. Let it go.

I leaned forwards even further over the edge. I put my hand in my pocket, fished out the sunflower I'd brought. His favourite flower, he'd told me that one time he had brought one to me in the ward. And I had told him I would remember for when I got better. I reached my hand out over the edge...

And dropped the flower.

It fell surprisingly fast, its heavy head helping gravity to pull it down towards the place where Izuna had died. It fell for a few seconds, further and further out of view.

And for just a fraction a second, I saw his body fall next to the sunflower, and it must have been in in slow-motion as his body would have fallen much faster than the flower, and the glitter of his tears leaving a trail behind him powdering my cheeks just like the stardust had.

"IZUNA!!" I screamed.

And he stood before me, smiling, his Rubik's cube in hand.

"Tobirama, my love", he said.

I looked down over the bridge, just as the sunflower fell into the water.

It's done. His voice again. It's done. You did well. You may go home now.

I turned around and climbed over the fence.

I walked back, thinking about how both me and Izuna had walked back and forth over this bridge several times like a pendulum. Just like our mental health had swung back and forth like a pendulum. In different directions though, him going to the left where nothing was right, while I went to the right where nothing was left. Life not giving the pendulums that represented our lives a chance to learn how to swing together, to wait each other in.

I kept walking over the bridge.

The wind was just as cold as last time.

But not my heart.

My heart was warm. 

Twelve years later.

"Ouch!"

I looked around me, terrified someone would have noticed. I breathed out realising I was alone. I wasn't used to wearing contacts, entailing I poked my forehead several times a day trying to adjust my glasses which I wasn't wearing. It embarrassed me, so luckily, nobody was around to see.

"Tobirama..."

"Jesus fucking Christ!" I screamed and jerked, turning around. "Oh..."

My boss smiled warmly at me. The same one, twelve years older. He hadn't changed a day. I had. My hair was as grey as ever, but I had noticed wrinkles in my skin that hadn't been there before. I wasn't all that in love with it. At the same time, I would never turn back time.

"How is the code going?"

I furrowed my brows.

"What code?"

"The Python?" my boss asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh", I said easily. "I finished that two days ago." Which was why I hadn't understood what my boss was talking about; it had been dealt with already.

My boss just gaped.

"You're a star. Wouldn't you-"

"No", I said immediately.

"But why?"

I thought for a bit. My boss had asked me to take over as the boss of the company for three years. I had declined every time. I was happy where I was for now, just one step below him. My salary was insane, and I never worked overtime.

"I am happy where I am", I said. "And no offence, but you don't have a life." My boss laughed heartily, put his hand on my shoulder and sat down next to me. I appreciated him a lot. "But..." I began. He looked at me. "I have decided I'll accept the role in three years."

My boss stared at me, unable to believe what he'd heard. Then, he slapped the shit out of his thigh, stood up, and slapped the shit out of me, too.

"That's fantastic!" he boomed.

"Ouch", I said.

"This has to be celebrated!"

"Can you please keep it down until the three years have passed?" I pleaded. "I'm telling you now so you don't find another guy. I want to do it. But hold on for just three more years. No celebration. Please."

He smiled. "Of course. You'll do splendidly. I'll fix a contract." He sighed and sat down again. "This takes some of the burden from my chest. I've..." He scratched his neck. "I've been worried about my daughter lately."

I furrowed my brows. My boss was one of the people in my life I trusted the most, but he never told me anything about his private life.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked.

"She's... Please don't see me as judgmental! I'm just worried because she's so sensitive. But she's started dating a man that has autism."

"Oh..." I said. "I dated a person with autism once."

My boss looked at me.

"You did?"

"Yeah..."

"Did it... End badly between you?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"No. He was amazing."

"What happened?" my boss asked.

"He died", I said simply.

My boss looked shocked.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry."

I waved it away.

"It was a long time ago."

"How did he die?"

I hesitated for just a moment.

"An accident", I said.

"God... That must have been devastating for you."

"I'm sorry, I didn't tell you to switch subject", I said. "I just wanted to say, it's completely normal, dating someone with autism. Your daughter will be fine."

"You think so?" my boss asked.

"Absolutely", I said.

I turned back to my computer, where I was coding a simulation for an airplane wing that was going to be used in a program for pilots in training, making its wing flat at the bottom and convex at the top. 

"You've got a red mark on your forehead."

"Shut up", I said. He knew exactly why I had a red mark on my forehead. He'd teased me endlessly for forgetting I didn't wear glasses. I smiled at him. He smiled back.

"Long day at work?"

"No, it was good. I told my boss about accepting his offer in three years."

"Fucking finally!" Steven burst out, beaming at me.

"I wouldn't have said yes if you hadn't been bitching about it for so long", I said.

He smiled at me. We were sitting together at a round table at our favourite bar. He had come before me, and had gotten me my favourite red wine, and a cactus cider for himself. Steven had his red hair short nowadays, and it was peppered with grey. He was wheelchair-bound, having been caused immense neurological damage when I beat him up. We were beyond the years during which I had broken down crying and apologising as soon as I saw him. In the end, he'd become furious with me, said he tried to live in gratefulness that at least he had his withs with him, and that I was making that incredibly difficult for him. That had shut me up. His wife had left him, telling him she wasn't built for a life with a man in a wheelchair. I had tried to be there for him then. I didn't know if I had succeeded. But now, he was the most stable person I knew.

"It will suit you", he said.

"I will do my best", I said. "But if boss thinks I will work overtime, he's wrong."

"You? Work overtime? Can't imagine."

We were quiet for some time. It happened. A silence that neither of us felt we needed to fill. This time, however, Steven did fill it with a question that took me completely by surprise.

"Do you think about him sometimes?"

I stared at him stupidly. We had never, ever talked about him. Not ever, not even in the beginning. I didn't know what made him ask now, twelve years later.

"Of course I do", I said.

"Does it hurt?"

There was a bittersweet sadness in Steven's voice that surprised me. I shook my head.

"No. It's more like... It was a shame. And I will always wonder what made him do it."

"I felt so guilty, you know?" Steven said.

I furrowed my brows. 

"Why on Earth?" I asked.

"Because I'd been jealous for so long. And then something like that happens."

I gaped.

"You liked Izuna? You were jealous of me?"

"No, you idiot!" he said, looking down a little which was very out of character for him. "I was jealous of him!"

It took me a long time to understand what he was actually saying.

"Oh... Oh!!"

Steven smiled.

"You thick fuck", he teased.

"You fucking slut", I teased back.

"Don't get your hopes up. You got me in a wheelchair."

"Oyy!" I warned.

"It's good to be your friend, Tobirama", Steven said.

"It's good to be alive", I answered.

Usually, Steven never let anyone push him, preferring to manoeuvre his wheelchair himself. Now, he let me as we strolled in the warm summer night underneath the stars together. We didn't talk, just enjoyed a friendly companionship, me behind him.

"There's a moon", Steven said and pointed.

I looked. Just above the horizon, above the mountains, a ginormous moon was rising.

"Did you know...", Steven began. "That the moon only appears bigger when it's close to the horizon because our brain has things on the ground to compare its size too? If we took a ruler, it would be equally big when it's up in the sky. But it seems smaller because there, it's alone."

"I didn't know that", I said.

"One thing I've always wondered is whether it's a coincidence that the moon has its face turned towards the earth at all times. It takes exactly one month for the moon to go one turn around Earth. It also takes exactly one month for the moon to spin around its own axis. It can't be a coincidence."

"Have you googled it?" I asked.

Steven shook his head.

"No. Some things, I don't want to search. I want them to come to me on their own."

"So if I googled it and told you, it would be okay?" I asked.

"You're a master of ruining moments, you know that?" Steven said, but I could hear the smile in his voice.

I smiled back even if he couldn't see me.

"Sorry", I said.

"No, you're not."

He knew me too well.

I looked at the moon again. It was, in fact, awfully big. But it looked content, somehow. Happy to be there. It didn't look like it needed to come down for a rest at all. It looked as if it was warmed by too many good things surrounding it to need a blanket of water. I tried to imagine myself as the moon. As the moon-man. His moon-man. It was difficult nowadays, as I did it so rarely. But I believed that it wouldn't be such a bad life after all, soaring through the sky forever, enjoying the life I had been given.

I tried to feel. I didn't feel that many emotions for now, rather an emotional neutrality. But I did feel the physical sensation of my heart beating, the rhythm being the pendulum of my soul. Izuna's pendulum had stopped long ago, but mine had kept swinging without him. It would never, ever be synchronised with his. Our ups and downs would never occur together as he had none, only stillness.

But maybe, the pendulum that was my life would be synchronised with the moon's phases of wanting to travel the sky forever, and needing to rest, knowing that during phases of needing to rest, the pendulum would turn at some point, and travel back to a part of life that was worth living.

I closed my eyes.

"Look", Steven said. "A sunflower. Never saw them here."

I looked. There it was, tall and yellow and bright, smiling at me.

It's time. It's time now. Let go.

His voice. I hadn't heard it since I dropped the sunflower from the bridge twelve years ago.

Let go. God, motherfucker. How long has it been? Live a little. Jeez...

"Izuna?"

"You know..." he said. "We could just... Run for it. Scare them a little."

I furrowed my brows.

"But that's against the rules", I said.

Let go. Tobirama, I love you. Let go.

I took his hand.

Let go!

"Run!!" I screamed.

I took off and ran with him to the lake where we bathed, kissed and ate strawberry ice cream.

End.