Patient name: Tobirama Senju

Date of birth: 25/04/1995

Journal entry: 25/04/2023, admittance journal entry

Past medical history: Please see final journal entry of last in-patient treatment

Currently: Re-admittance. Patient has been standing at the edge of the Thomson bridge to jump. Stopped by patient's partner who is also a co-patient. Patient escorted to the ward by police, six policemen needed. Patient is immediately written in under the Compulsory Psychiatric Care Act. Impossible to hold patient for long enough to inject him why it is deemed necessary for patient's and staff's safety to belt him. Haloperidol injected successfully upon belting, limited effect. Alcohol in blood 4,3 per mille. Belted for a total time of 5 hours 14 minutes before deemed safe to release patient. Patient tired upon release, does not fight.

Psychiatric status: No formal contact. Enormously agitated. Violent. No external signs of self-harm

Planning: Talk tomorrow with patient about medication. 

Something changed for Izuna.

I watched in awe as I saw it. It was like sitting on a beach, watching the most beautiful orange globe of sunrise swallow the night whole. He started smiling. He laughed and God, he had the most beautiful laugh. He moved more energetically now he ate better. He was still slender as a stick figure but gained some colour and roundness to his cheeks that lifted it to the skies.

And all I could do was watch as I saw the man I loved slip through my fingers.

It made me feel terrible. He had been nothing but supportive when I got better. Genuinely happy for me. But now when it was his turn, I seemed unable to do the same.

I didn't avoid him. Oh, God, I couldn't avoid him for the life of me, not anymore. I loved him so much. He was the colour filling in the outlines of my life. My life clung to him as if it depended on it, as it did. I knew it was unhealthy. But I gave myself some space to deal with that when I got better.

If I got better. I was losing hope. I was losing each and every single dew drop of hope on the drying patch of grass covering my life.

"I can't do this anymore", I told the doctor. I hated how my voice sounded. It also cracked.

"Do what?"

"Life."

"Why would you say that now?"

It was provocative to me how calm the doctor was. Couldn't he see it was pointless? That everything was pointless? In what world did they live in that was dyed?

"Because I became better", I answered through gritted teeth, forcing myself to stay calm; they'd had their fair share of my bullshit. "Because I was better and then I deteriorated again. How will I ever be able to trust that I have the ability to stay happy?! Not happy even! I've given up on that. Normal. That would be enough. I want to be normal!"

I realised I had raised my voice, but the doctor took no notice of that.

"What is normal to you, Tobirama?" he asked instead.

Every instinct of me told me to get up and leave. I was so offended by the imagined inappropriateness of the question that I felt panic bubbling up within me, the panic that always rose when I desired to leave this place, but knew I was unable to. I trembled as I tried to calm myself down. I closed my eyes, felt the soft sensation of my brows furrowing, enhanced by the lack of visual impression. I tried to force myself to think about the question, to answer it politely; I knew the doctor did not deserve my wrath.

I looked straight at him.

"I want to be able to lead a normal life with my boyfriend", I said. "I want to take him on dates, and for him to take me on dates. I want us to spend more and more time together until finally, we've moved in together without even realising how it happened. I want to wake up next to him every day. Him going to work, me working from home perhaps. I will have dinner ready for him every day. Except some days, when I go to the gym in the afternoon and come home to him having cooked my favourite meal. I want us to go out on weekends, for a drink in the evenings or to explore nature in the mornings. I want us to sit on one end of the couch together, him watching something to do with planes, me reading. I want to travel with him to the tropics and propose. Take him by surprise. I want us to get married just because we want to be each other's husbands."

I stopped then. The room became so quiet you wouldn't even be able to hear a pin drop because the silence was so dense, it created a black hole that absorbed every attempt of a sound, swallowed it whole.

"I'm so mad you separated us", I whispered, my voice trembling. "I'm so mad you kept us apart. You knew I wouldn't give a fuck. But you knew he would."

"What do you need?" the doctor asked warmly.

"To die", I whispered. I don't really want to die. "I need to die. It's my only way out."

Or is it the only way out you're able to see?

I staggered out of the room, hand over my mouth to stifle my sobs. Izuna... I need Izuna. I couldn't walk straight but crashed into the wall over and over, blinded by sadness. Somehow, I managed to find his door, open it.

"Tobirama..."

I couldn't see him; my vision was so blurred.

"Lay down."

"Izuna..."

"Lay down."

His voice was calm, kind, with no hint of fright behind it. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve his kindness.

I laid down.

"I'll be right back."

"I don't want to need you", I murmured.

But he took no notice of me. He left, and I was alone on the floor.

"I don't want to need you. I don't want to need you.

Over and over, like a mantra. I didn't know where the fright came from, but it was there, terrifying me. I didn't want to need him. I wanted to choose him every day. Because I knew he would choose me every day and I wanted to be able to give the same thing back to him.

"I don't want to need you."

"I'm back."

"I don't want to need you."

"Shut up and lay still, motherfucker."

I tried to.

Suddenly, my T-shirt was pulled up, and something icy cold grabbed hold of my stomach. I gasped, sat up.

"Lay down. Lay still. It's ice. It's against the anxiety."

The icy cold sensation moved up to my chest. My breath caught there in shock.

But it worked. As Izuna moved the ice he'd wrapped in a thin towel over my body, I found my brain couldn't have a panic attack while being shocked by the cold. Slowly but steadily, the anxiety subsided, and I came back to Izuna's soothing words.

"There you go", he said in his soft voice which I loved so much. "There you go. You're doing so good. So, so good."

I reached my hand up, put it on his cheek. To my great surprise, he took it with his free hand. How could he still love me? How could he still want to hold my hand? I noticed he'd painted his nails a dark, glittery blue.

"I love you", I said. 

He looked at me then, and I could finally see him, the tears having evaporated out of my eyes.

"I love you, too", he whispered.

I couldn't believe him.

The gravel crunched pleasantly beneath our feet. It irritated me, that it was spring and they hadn't cleaned the gravel away. Yet, when I turned to Izuna walking next to me, I felt all negative emotions evaporate.

I need to practice, I though. I need to practice eliminating those thoughts even without him.

He was smiling up towards the sun as he walked. I'd noticed he loved the sun, but hated the rain. I'd asked him about it once.

"The rain curls my hair."

"It would be beautiful curled", I said.

"That's not the point", he said. "I'm not bothered about that. But if I don't straighten it, it bends in curls over my face which gives me a headache."

Hadn't thought of that. But it made sense, hyper-sensitive as he was to any sort of physical stimulus.

We walked, hand in hand, to my apartment on our permission together. Our first one during my second round. I had calmed down a fair bit. I still had no hope, but I had no plans on killing myself for now. Izuna looked very comfortable next to me. As if he belonged.

He did.

I let us into my hallway. Nothing in the mood changed. It was still the same between us. There was no elevated tension. There was nothing special about this time. Yet, I knew what would happen.

And he did, too.

He had taken off his shoes and summer coat, and just dropped the coat on the floor, standing with his back to me, dead still. His summer coat was surprisingly stylish. Oversized and black with heavy, polished buttons. I was still in my shoes and coat. Enjoying him.

Then, he lifted his hand to the pocket of his black jeans. He wore jeans now, something he never did before as he deemed them too uncomfortable. They were painfully stylish, too, skinny at the ankles but looser around his hips, and he'd tucked them into his socks. As he put his hand in his pocket, his jeans slid down slightly. I swallowed. He pulled out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter, took one cigarette out with his lips, lit it.

I walked and stood behind him, blew hot air on his neck

"I didn't know you smoked", I said.

He didn't turn around.

"I want this one thing", he said. "The doctors have everything that belongs to me. They have every aspect of my life. This little part belongs only to me."

"And me, now", I pointed out in a murmur; I almost felt jealous of the cigarette.

Izuna shook his head.

"No. Because you are part of me."

He turned round, leaned forwards, blew the smoke he had just breathed in straight into my open mouth. I breathed it in, letting my lungs fill up with the toxic air that had just filled his.

I hoped the smell of cigarette smoke would never evaporate from my memory.

He put his arms on my shoulders.

He kissed me.

I opened my mouth. He tasted of nicotine and ashes and skin. I put my arms around his waist, backed him into the wall. His hand went to my hair, grabbed it.

Soft, I had promised him. It's going to be soft.

I let my hands slide along his waist which caused him to moan. His knees buckled beneath him, just like it had done that time on the beach. This time, however, I didn't allow it, but captured him.

"Not this time."

He obeyed, standing up. Having a man who was so much taller and older than you do as you said did things to me.

"Come with me", I breathed into his mouth.

He extinguished his cigarette against my wall, threw it on the ground. I didn't care, grabbed his hand and took him with me to my bedroom, a soft, dark grey place filled with warmth that was cold from the lack of presence in it. In there, I hugged him.

"I love you", I murmured into his hair, putting one hand on the small of his back, the other on the back of his head. The love I felt for this man was painful. "So much."

Izuna tried to speak, but couldn't. Instead, he pushed me softly so I lay down on the bed. I looked at him, my brows furrowed, my mouth set, as he fumbled with my belt. He wasn't looking at me now but down, a light blush painting his face like the sunset. I put my hand in his hair.

"I still don't believe you want me", I said as he pulled my belt off.

He seemed to be taken aback by that because he stopped what he was doing and looked up at me.

"Stop that", he said.

I didn't understand.

"Stop what?"

"Selling yourself short. I don't like it. It was you who left me, remember?" I looked away, ashamed, but Izuna put a finger on my cheek to turn my head back to his. "You're not being fair. Have I given you any reason to be worried? Have I?"

"No", I murmured.

"Then stop it. I love you. I never stopped loving you even when you were ignoring me. So there."

And with that, he looked down again, pulled my trousers down, and before I could react, he had opened his mouth and taken me in, the smoky air from his lungs encircling me, causing me to gasp as the hot air from his mouth fought the chilling sensation of the wetness of his tongue.

I put my hand in his hair and moaned, had to fight every urge to not be anything but soft. Izuna had never had anyone before, he'd told me, but his soul seemed to know exactly what to do in the situation. Or maybe, his soul knew what to do with my soul. The realisation of what was happening thrilled me, the electrical desire within me a sharp contrast to the soft sensation of love.

"Mmm", said man moaned sweetly as he had me in his mouth.

He was a loud one, I noticed, licking and sucking, emitting sounds meanwhile that rendered me insane.

"How the fuck am I supposed to be soft with you when you behave like this?" I hissed between gritted teeth, grabbing his hair and pulling.

"You don't have to be soft with me", Izuna answered.

"But I promised you", I said.

"Things can change", he said, deep-throating once which made me gasp. "Even promises. Remember?"

I contemplated this as he kept at me, let what he said sink in.

"I want to..." I said. "But in frightened I'll hurt you."

He looked up at me. He truly was awfully cute.

"Because of my autism?"

"Well... Yes."

"I feel normal", Izuna said, pulling his tongue all along my length up to my tip. I closed my eyes and groaned. "For the first time in my life, I feel normal. In his situation, with you, I am me. Without autism. Let me."

I furrowed my brows for just an instant longer.

Then, I stood up on my knees, forced him over on all four, put my hips to his still-clothes backside, put my arm around his waist and leaned forwards with my other hand around his throat.

Izuna whimpered in surprise while simultaneously, he leaned his head back to snuggle close to my face. The contrast between those two actions, the almost frightened whimpering and his demand for closeness, was so sweet to me that I felt my mouth water.

"I'll treat you the way you deserve, then", I murmured. "But listen. If I ever do anything you don't like, you tell me. Do you understand?" Izuna nodded vigorously. I kissed him lightly on his cheek as thanks.

I stood up and undressed myself completely. I saw him cast curious glances my way, but he kept looking away.

"Eyes on my body", I demanded.

He obeyed.

"Is it okay if I don't take my clothes off?" he breathed. "Just pull my trousers down?"

My heart melted. I leaned forwards, leaned my forehead against his.

"Anything you need, and I'll give it to you", I murmured and I knew it was true.

I went behind him on the floor, stood beside him on my knees as he was still on all four, pulled his trousers down. He stood still as a marble statue, his milky skin just as white as one. I put my hand on the inside of his thighs, stroke it. He jerked.

"You want me to stop?" I asked softly.

"No!" he burst out. "Just... Take off your rings. Please."

I did as he said, realising he might not like the sensation of them. I kept caressing him which he must have liked because he started to moan. I had never heard him moan before like that. I closed my eyes, leaned my forehead on his back in a desperate attempt to hold back as I started encircling his opening.

"Please..." he said.

God, I loved it when he was polite.

I put a finger to him.

"I love you", he breathed.

I pushed my finger in.

He completely melted under my touch, then went into a state of high concentration, as if trying to feel my every movement inside of him. I worked him. With or finger, then two, then three. I looked at him to see if he was all right. He was laying with his cheek to the mattress, drooling, his eyes revealing that he had been taken to the stars somewhere.

"I miss you", I said.

His eyes moved, found mine, but they didn't leave the stars but instead took me there as well.

"You have never been this close yet I have never missed you this much", he said.

I understood what he meant because I felt exactly the same. My soul was seeking his, creating a hunger that was like a black hole within me.

"I want to take you", I told him.

"Please", he begged.

"So polite", I said mostly to myself.

I positioned myself on my knees behind him, and still not in my bedroom but among the stars I let myself inside him, grunting in relief as he sighed.

And I became that softness that I had described to him, creating that tenderness together with him as I moved behind him, fighting the urge to hurt him physically just because my body didn't know how to handle all that love that was pouring out from my heart into my blood like a cauldron boiling over, trying to find its way into his heart through that one point where our bodies connected.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I like it", he said.

"I like it, too", I answered.

And I took him from behind, having to slow down several times not to come before I had made him experience all that I wanted him to experience, before I had shown him exactly how much I loved him, before he got the chance to show me that he loved me, too.

And he did. He did show me he loved me as he pulled away, turned over and sat on top of me, sunk down, wanting control over us. He didn't let my eyes go once as he put his hands on my shoulders. I couldn't hold back. I couldn't hold back, but bit his shoulder to muffle any obscene sounds from emitting my mouth. Izuna showed no capacity of such discretion as he threw his head back in a scream.

I hadn't noticed how raw our hearts were.

I hadn't noticed how deep our souls had been cut.

I hadn't noticed how we bled our blood into the other, entwining our love until we didn't know where one ended, and the other began as we came together, clambering onto each other for support as the pure physical sensation of it was so powerful, we could not handle it alone.

Nor did we have to.

Izuna looked at me, lips glistening after his screams, looking unable to believe what had just happened.

And the day whispered out into a haze, as if the heat between us made the sticky sweat covering us evaporate to create a mist, obscuring our view so we didn't know how we ended up where we did, in the bath together, me sitting, him on his stomach before me, smoking, blowing smoke into my mouth.

Putting his taste on my tongue.

His lips on my throat.

His love into my soul.