Hi. My name is Virgil Anderson. I'm a 15 year old girl who lives in Holland, Massachusetts, and I'm emo and bullied a lot at school. My parents are divorced- my mom cheated on my dad with his best friend- and they have been since I was six. No, I'm not one of those kids who whine about how mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. Oh, please. I don't mind that they're divorced. That way, they're not fighting all the time. Though, my mom married my dad's best friend and they fight a lot. It causes me panic attack because I hate screams and loud noises. But whatever.

Anyways, I'm here writing this diary because a lot has happened in the past week and I really want to write it down. Maybe I'll make this into a novel and have some famous publication company publish it for me. Therefore, people will read it because it's coming from a good publishing company. That would be so cool! It would be a dream come true! But that's not what I'm here to talk about.

You know how I told you that my name is Virgil Anderson? Well, it wasn't always that way. I changed it recently to that with the permission of my mom. My dad, well...he didn't approve. But here I am, being myself, and being happy.

Anywho, about three years ago, I discovered that I was gay. At first, I thought that I was bisexual because it wasn't considered normal to be gay, but after a year when I turned 13, I realized that I was completely gay. The shock was overwhelming for me, especially when I started crushing on this girl named Hope who I met online. She lives in California, so far away. But that relationship didn't last long because she cheated on me with a guy after dating me for a month. Anyways, after this discovery of rainbowness, I started noticing things about girls bodies. My hormones kicked in, I guess. How their curves are so beautiful and their chest so big. I know, it's weird. But what can I say? I'm gay! I didn't tell anyone for a really long time because I was scared that they would laugh at me and call me a freak. The only person who knew was my still-best-friend, Haley. She's pretty awesome and is gay too. So I felt comfortable telling her because I knew that she wouldn't see me as a freak. She would see me as one of her own. But I kept it from everyone else because they were all straight and my dad made comments about he was homophobic all the time. So I didn't say anything to him for the longest time...until three weeks ago.

We were sitting in the living room, watching the show Krypton. The actress- Wallis Day- was on and of course, like the idiot I am, I blurted out, "She's hot!" I instantly covered my mouth with both of my hands and I felt my whole entire face flush a bright shade of red. I started shaking and felt the wet, hot tears streaming down my face. My dad then looked over at me with a confused look on his face. Believe me, I would be confused too. He then asked me, "Are you gay?" I nodded and was waiting for the worst to come and get homophobia spit on me...but it didn't. Instead, he smiled, came over to me, and hugged me. He said, "I'm so proud of you for finally telling me! I always suspected it but I didn't want to say anything until you were ready to tell me yourself. I'm so proud of you sweetheart! My gay little daughter." I then started crying tears of joy. I was so shocked that he accepted me! Out of all people, I thought he would be pushed me away! But he didn't, so I was very happy that day.

When I went to my mom's house Wednesday afternoon, I told her that I needed to have a sit down with her and my stepdad- Kevin. To say the less, she was confused, but agreed to it anyway. I twirled my thumbs as I waited for them both to arrive home. My anxiety kept on rising higher and higher as the clocked ticked. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. With every tick tock, I felt the sweat beading down my forehead become hotter. My whole face was flushed and I knew that I looked like complete shit. But then again, I always look like complete shit. Anyways, as I sat there waiting in the dreading silence, I kept thinking about if my mom would accept me or not. She never really said anything related to homophobia or ever calling herself or dropping clues to being homophobic. But maybe she hid it. Maybe she already knew that I was gay and was waiting on the right time to kick me out. Thoughts like these kept running through my head as the clock just kept on ticking. I had a mini panic attack while I was waiting for them, but I recovered quickly. Then I looked up to see them standing there, concerned looks on their faces, asking me what was wrong. And that's when I told them.

It all came out in a big rush. I said to them, "Please don't hate me for this but I'm gay! I have been since I was 12 and I didn't want to tell you guys because I didn't know if you would accept me or not. I already told dad and he accepts me." I then gave them my famous puppy dog eyes and asked, "So will you?" They both came over to me and gave me huge hugs. My mom chuckled and said, "Sweetie, of course we accept you for being gay! I love you just the way you are, and if you're gay, so be it." I cried that night with tears of joy. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and that I could almost breath again. Clue word. Almost. I still had another weight on my chest that I had to get off.

When I was 13, I discovered that I'm genderfluid. I never really felt like a complete girl, but I never felt like a complete boy. Though, my parents are against transgendered and non-binaries and genderfluids. They think that they're stupid and all will burn in hell. It sickens me that both of my parents think that way. So, I thought that I couldn't tell either of them. And remember how I said that Virgil wasn't always my name? Well, that's because it used to be Hannah. But I came out to everyone and got my named changed. And no, this story is not as pretty as me coming out to being gay.

I was tired of hiding this secret from everyone, so I decided to come out to everyone at my 15th birthday party. We have a stage in our backyard and a microphone on the stage too. So I stood up on the stage, took the mic in my hand, and said into it, "Mom, Kevin, friends and family, I have something very important to tell you all. You all already know that I'm gay, but there's something else about me that you must know. I've never felt like I was fully a girl or fully a boy. I think...no, actually, I know, that I am genderfluid." And after that, all of my friends clapped and were so very proud of me. But my parents...they were a different story.

They stood up with anger on their faces and yelled at me to go down there. So I put the microphone on the stand, got off the stage, and walked over to them, my hands already starting to shake. Kevin smacked me and screamed, "You are such a freak! An insecure freak! You're not genderfluid! You're a girl! And you're not gay! You're straight! Do you want to go to Bible Camp or therapy!?" I layed there in fear, wondering what would happen next. Then my mom said, "Kevin is right. I don't want a gay, genderfluid child. You will be straight and you are a girl. Not part girl or part boy or whatever. You're just a girl. You will always just be a girl. And we will find you a nice Christian boy for you to date. Therefore, you'll be whole again." And she walked away after Kevin kicked me in the stomach.

I got up in pain while crying. All of my friends rushed over to me, comforting me, telling me that they'll call social services and the cops. All I did was nod. I was in too much shock to say anything. My brain couldn't comprehend what was going on- what just happened. I couldn't believe that my parents would go that far to make me 'normal.' Normal my ass. Being gay or genderfluid or trans or pansexual or bisexual is normal. Being straight is normal too. Though, I don't remember a lot from that night. It's all just kind of a blur now. I remember the cops coming and arresting my parents for child abuse and social workers coming and taking me to my dad's house. I remember them reporting what happened to my dad and my dad asked me why Kevin hit me after the cops left and I said that I'd tell him in the morning. That I was too tired right now. And so he let me go to sleep. And the next morning came.

When I got up, I didn't eat anything. I just sat on the couch and watched TV with my dad. Then he turned to me and asked, "So why did Kevin hit you?" And I spilled everything. I told him how I'm genderfluid and that I announced it at my birthday party and all my friends were happy for me but mom and Kevin completely flipped out. I pretty much told him all I could remember. As I said, that night is very blurry now. My dad then gave me a look of disgust and said, "You're genderfluid?!" I nodded, holding back my tears. I said, "Yes, dad, I am." Then he started yelling at me. He told me that transgendered should go kill themselves and should be put into Concentration Camps like Hitler did and that I'm not his daughter anymore. That he'll disown me and that he hates me now and how I'm now kicked out and have to go pack my stuff and become homeless. So I did. I quickly packed my things and left, tears in my eyes. I called my best friend, Alexa, and asked her to come get me. She said okay and picked me up and I told her everything that happened and had a mental breakdown. Her mom drove us to her house and told Alexa's dad what happened. He also looked at me in disgust and told me to get out. I forgot that he was homophobic. Mrs. Denning refused to let me go out on the streets all alone, but Mr. Denning said I had to. Then fights started coming out of everyone's mouths. The parents started to fight about LGBTQ rights and the community and shit and how I should be welcomed into this household. Alexa tried to calm them down, but that didn't work out very well. All they did was yell at each other more. It brought back memories to when mom and Kevin would fight all the time. How they would hit each other and make each other cry, but would pretend that nothing happened the next morning. It would piss me off so fucking much. It still does. And I felt like I was pulled back into that world of pure fear by standing here, watching Alexa's parents fight.

Then her parents made the final decision that I had to leave. Alexa tried to protest, but I told her that it's not worth fighting for me because I'm worthless. So I left and started walking to Sturbridge. I already had some cash- about $1,000 that I saved up from holidays and birthdays- and stayed in a hotel. I used my fake ID to get in, so that was sweet. I also used my mom's credit card. I stole it from her the night of my party. Bitch deserved it. Then I went upstairs in my room and say on the bed, knowing what to do next.

I pulled out my razor blade. I've always been a self harmer, but after that night, I stopped. That night, I tried to kill myself. I pressed the blade on my arm and cut open my vein. Blood was everywhere and my vision went blurry. But, I forgot how I called for room service to get me some food. When I passed out on the floor from blood loss, the room service guy found me and called 9-1-1. I was brought to the hospital immediately and was given medical care. When I woke up the next morning, I was deeply confused. Where am I? Then I realized that I was in the hospital and the flashbacks of last night hit me like a ton of bricks. I started crying and wished that I never called room service. I wished that I died right then and there, not living in a world with even more despair. I remember being there for a few months. Alexa came and visited me a few times. But did my parents? No, they never did. According to Alexa, they refused to see me. How great is that? Parents refusing to see their own child. How lucky am I. I'm so blessed to have parents that hate me all because I've discovered who I am. Sarcasm. I'm so great at it. Even in my writing.

After I got out of the hospital, I had nowhere to go. I was taken to social services, but when the guy walked out of the room, I ran out of the building. I didn't want to go to some family that could reject me too. My heart was so broken and at that point, I couldn't take much more. I rather rot and die on the streets than be with a family that only wants me for the money. So, as I said, I ran off. I didn't have a lot of money with me, though, because I had to pay for the hospital. Cash, I did. Credit card wise, I didn't. And there's a lot of things that can't be paid with cash anymore. I had two options at that point. 1: Go to a foster care or adoption center. 2: Go to the south to see my online girlfriend. I've never met her in real life before, but we've been going out for a year at the time, and I knew that her parents were LGBTQ supportive, so that seemed like the best place to go. So I hopped on a bus to Boston. I still had my fake ID, so it was easy to get a ticket.

When I arrived in Boston, I got myself some food and supplies. My plan was to keep on taking buses that will get me to Kentucky, which is where she lives. Her name is Ashley, by the way. Anywho, I would wait at bus stops, hop on the bus, and it would lead my closer and closer to my destination. I texted Ashley to make sure that me going was okay and her parents said that they would take me in. I was very happy about that. My parents never knew about Ashley because I wasn't allowed to online date or have any online friends. Which, of course I did. I online dated two people before Ash and I had- well, have- many online friends. I didn't give a shit about what my parents had to say back then. I still don't. Their venomous words don't matter to me anymore.

Anyways, after about five days of taking buses and trying to get closer to Kentucky, I landed in a town that was only two hours away from Kentucky. Like the idiot I am, I decided to walk. I didn't think this through. Ya see, I had ASD and VSD as a baby and it causes me to have asthma. And of course, I didn't have any of my inhalers with me. So after about half an hour, I was completely exhausted. There was nowhere to rest except for in the bright sun, so I was sweating to death. That's when I decided to hitchhike. I stood on the side of the road, holding my thumb out, for about ten minutes, until a car picked me up. A pickup truck to be exact.

It was a young woman in the pickup truck. She had long blonde hair in a ponytail, wore blue jeans, and a pink and blue flannel shirt. She looked like your typical country girl. She told me that her name is Amber and I told her that I'm Virgil. She thought that I was a boy because of my short hair, so that worked. Anyways, she asked where I wanted to go and I told her the address. She offered to bring me the rest of the way and I gave her my gratitude. We got to talking and soon discovered that she used to be a man. She said, "I was 16 when I came out to my family. They accepted me with pride and care. Told me that they still love me and will always love me no matter what because I am their daughter." So I told her my story. About how my parents treated me like crap and how I'm on my way to go live with my girlfriend. She thought that my parents were complete assholes and I said that they were. It was a really good ride and she was a really nice person so we exchanged numbers. We're still friends to this very day. And her name is Maria.

When I got to Ashley's house, she was standing outside, and when she saw me, her eyes brightened. She ran over to me, hugged me, and gave me a huge kiss on the lips. I started crying tears of joy and she cradled me in her arms as I cried in her chest, pouring out all of my depression and sadness and fear and how broken I am. How broken I was. She ran her fingers through my hair and kept on saying, "It's okay, dear. I love you with all of my heart and soul and I promise that everything will be okay. In the end, I'll be there for you, even if your parents aren't. I say fuck them. All you need is me, your friends, Thomas Sanders, My Chemical Romance, In This Moment, Motionless In White, Marilyn Manson, Kesha, music, Terminator, and pizza. Okay baby?" I sniffled and laughed and nodded and said okay. She took me inside and let me borrow her clothes and we took a nap in her bed. It was the most relaxing night I've had in forever.

So here is the end of my little adventure. I stayed with Ashley until we graduated. When we did graduate, we started a band called Bits And Pieces. Today, me and her are married. I proposed to her when we were 20 and it's been a great ten years. I love her so fucking much. She's always been there for me. Through the good times, through the bad. Through EVERYTHING. And I love her for it. She's my pride and joy. I want her to be forever mine. She is forever mine. And because of her, I'm still live.

She is like Puck from A Midsummer's Night Dream. His last speech was her wedding vow to me:

"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended:
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend.
If you pardon, we will mend.
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long.
Else the Puck a liar call.
So good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."

And she did restore my amends.