Title: Things We Lost

Author: @madisueb

Genre: Fantasy

Cover: Completely realistic and very well done

Blurb: Well-written, but may not fit your book. I am unclear about the MC's life being a game, or him being a villain. The last sentence is pure genius.

Summary:

Supreme rulers, the Zodiac Family living on the planet Malison are endowed with special powers that enable them to navigate the galaxy, creating and destroying and especially utilizing war. Nathaniel and his brothers hate their father and wish to end his reign, but are too afraid to commit to any action, and therefore are at the whim and mercy of a tyrant. After a particular war, Nathaniel is banished to a version of earth with other criminals and becomes a leader there.

General opinion:

Fanciful, suspended belief and bizarre world building characterize this short novel, which can be considered fantasy at its best. The piece relies heavily on earth settings such as TV, cell phones, texting, trains, rockets, modern and ancient weaponry mixed, elevators in office buildings etc. This would be considered high fantasy as it is off world, but somewhat low fantasy as it utilizes familiar accouterments. The mix is strangely appealing and understandable.

What did I think of the Plot?

I'm not completely sure what the plot was. There were several plots. The beginning of the story focused solely on the Main Character, Nathaniel, and his exploits and experiences, and finally his banishment. This isn't completely resolved, and I see there is a sequel, so perhaps it will be resolved there. The second half of the book is divided between POV's of different of the brothers as they try to overthrow their father, and of course, Nathaniel and his new friend deceive the indigenous Viking tribal people on earth. Typical fantasy would have a conflict between good and evil that the hero must resolve usually by quest or journey. This doesn't exactly follow that mold, but it is sufficiently interesting to keep reading. There are many plot holes that can be easily fixed with a thorough second reading—such as an injured person carried on a stretcher being able to "jump" up miraculously, or water that is frozen becoming all waves.

Narrator Voice:

Fantasy novels do not have to be believable to be successful. The nature of fantasy itself is to suspend the reader's common beliefs and enter a completely foreign realm, where the customs and controversies are completely different. The term bizarre when used to describe fantasy writing, is a compliment. I find the voice of the narrator in this novel to be bizarre.

Pacing:

The beginning of the story is fast paced and enthralling. Timing is suspended, and the reader is left without a feel necessarily for how far apart events are taking place. Are they daily, momentary, weekly, monthly, or does time exist differently? Powers are alluded to and sometimes used, but seem to be impractical, and scorned by the MC, easily given away, and the MC is mostly unable to use them. This is somewhat confusing and adds an element of concern for the reader to even recall what they are. The MC can fly, but he is given a parachute and he uses it, and doesn't use his ability in all the ways the reader might expect. And the reader is definitely wanting to hear and see more about flying, as we all are fascinated by this power, and secretly wish we too could fly, and we all know exactly how we would use this power should we be blessed with it. The middle of the story is somewhat confusing as the return from war is met with hostility and punishment, banishment and brutality, even death. The tyrant, protagonist is definitely in place, but we never get a real feel for his reasons why he hates his children so much and is willing to endanger them, use them, and where he gets the confidence in them to fulfill his expectations. The end of the story for me, feels like the writer lost interest. The posts become very short and filler-ish, not much information or suspense is added, and the story ends on a rough note... with no resolution. Confusing.

Characters:

Nathaniel's character is depicted as a child given the responsibility of an adult. He seems rather more childish than a fourteen-year-old boy, maybe more like a nine-year-old girl. He sobs, wails, cries and pitches tantrums on a whim. He considers his father an uninterested hypocrite, yet calls him Dad or Daddy throughout. I could see him perhaps calling him Father, or Sir out of deference and respect, but if he only sees him five times a year at the most, I can't see him calling him a term of endearment. Nathaniel describes himself as weak and ineffectual, and his reactions to things bear that out, however even though he is sent to war and feels that his death is imminent, he also tells us he has more to live for than others. He is suddenly able to shoot an arrow that can pierce a missile, and when he is banished, he produces a sword and is able to use it confidently.

Azun's character is selfless and caring, relatable and believable, he is outraged when his brother is taken away. He works throughout to bring his brother back, and in my opinion really carries the story.

Vestry's character was also very believable and likeable. The reader is instantly drawn to him as a Savior of sorts, someone the MC can trust, who has the ability to help him. We are disappointed that the tyrannical father is able to banish him, and hope that in the next story this character is resurrected.

The protagonist (Father) is done very well. He is selfish, self-absorbed and completely unethical and has no feeling whatsoever except his own self-interests. He is what Nathaniel thinks, hypocritical and evil. We hate him right from the start and we never stop hating him. This is a good sign for the fantasy novelist. It means that the readers have become invested in the brothers.

Do I connect with the characters:

Not yet. But if there is more to the story in the sequel, I can see being able to connect at a later date. Nathaniel is still too ambiguous for me. He loses character and changes character too many times, from whiny baby to major confident comedian, to virginal crushing, to terrified warrior, to genius emboldened actor. I'm not sure who he is. I felt relieved when he quit the crying scenes and bucked up a bit, but was disappointed when he returned to hiding under the table when others fought outside. It had seemed like he was growing some courage for a moment. If I could keep parts of his character, or develop them I would grasp a coming of age, resolved, determined, heroic approach to him.

Feelings:

As a first draft, I see a lot of potential in this story. It has many elements of a good fantasy novel. It just needs some polishing and some TLC to go through, but all in all, a good feel.

Spelling and grammar:

I corrected many spelling errors in line, but would have to be asked to edit to do more. The grammar errors do actually detract from being able to read this smoothly. If you have a spellcheck, use it, if you have a grammar check, use that too. There is one online called Grammarly.com, that is also very helpful and will download easily. Watch the tenses used, the text switches from past to present in the same sentence many times.

Suggestions:

Firm up character development. Solidify each character's strengths and weaknesses and add those in. Make sure every character has a purpose and a goal. Make sure they work toward their goal, have obstacles to overcome, and we see some growth in each of them. Have them either attain their goal or allude to attaining it in the future. This will keep your readers interested.

Highlights:

I think the idea of powers could be exploited much better, and I found them all to be very interesting and provocative. I would love to see more use of the telekinetic, telepathy, and teleportation. And of course, the flying.

I did like your pics at the top of the pages.

I also really enjoyed your unique chapter titles.

Audience:

Young teen fantasy readers.

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was a pleasure to review your story.