Title: The Little World

Author: MaddieHope1

Genre: Fantasy/ Romance

Cover: This cover is so dark, and gray—it feels rather sinister to me, and this story is not sinister (yet, at least!)

Blurb: In the first chapter, 13th paragraph, there is some dialogue by Amalie when she first meets Adrien--- she is rambling, she is trying to alleviate his discomfort. Later in the story he is the one trying to protect and comfort her. I wonder if you could use this dialogue to really dig into the heart of your blurb and give the readers something to grasp onto. I've had to rework, and will probably again rework all my blurbs, seeing as how they are so important. If you want me to try and write a sample blurb I could do that. I really love this story, so I'd be willing to try and give you an idea what I'm talking about.

First Chapter:

The first chapter of any story is very tricky. You have to lure the reader in, give them a reason to keep reading, but not give everything away. This first chapter flows really, really well, and gives us a good idea about the main character, Amalie. The integration of description and dialogue is refreshing and subtly woven so that the reader is drawn to the characters, like it or not. Good flow, good hook.

Summary:

(At the time of review this story is incomplete)

Amalie's life is fairly normal, a younger child who has lost her mother, and whose father works far too hard to support a college age son and young adopted daughter. Amalie is on her own quite a bit to figure out her life. She meets Adrien as a young boy on a strange and fanciful field trip, and they agree to meet every year for eight more, developing a compassionate and intriguing friendship. Years later they meet again, under very unusual circumstances, and therein begin the rest of Amalie's life as she discovers secrets that will rock her world off its very foundations.

Did I like it? Did it draw me in?

I not only liked it, I loved it. The early chapters are sweetly reminiscent of childhood and the loneliness of two extraordinary children is captured with deft story-telling skill. It's fantasy, and therefore the suspended belief required in reading fantasy is present. The questions about why Adrien has been dropped off, where he came from and how he relates to Amalie's world are not necessarily answered right off, but they are alluded to in priceless encounters detailing adorable childhood experiences. The character development here is exquisite, done so well, we get to know the MC's through their own eyes and each other's perspectives. The story goes on, completely believable, not overextended, or bizarre. It feels completely plausible. Obviously, both worlds are well thought out.

Characters:

Amalie grows up a complex and highly intelligent individual, having a normal yet, wonderfully creative childhood, as she becomes the spunky, sassy, concerned, slightly feministic, working gal we see later on. Her setting is perfect for fostering these ideals and she is believably a product of her upbringing. The absent father and almost absent brother lend credence to her independent nature. Although, I wouldn't mind seeing an encounter or two with her father, with references to his life, his work experience, his concern for his daughter, his relationship with her, etc. He is a tortured soul, and she has developed her compassion by seeing his pain. Her compassion is paramount in her relationship with Adrien right from the start. It wouldn't hurt to include a touching scene detailing her compassion and her frustration if need be, with her dad. I'm sure this would be relatable and could add even more depth to Amalie's nature.

What's not to love about Adrien? He's sweet and determined, and strong and a good match for Amalie's fiery personality. He tempers her natural desire to confront things head on, he is the cautious foil to her impetuosity. Plus, he's in love with her. I love how his character is developed so timelessly, he becomes--- through his dialogue mostly. Every word out of his mouth is carefully chosen to reveal, and it is exciting and intriguing to follow his revelations.

Peripheral characters:

Charlotte is a good sounding board for Amalie, who we need to see interacting in her normal world. Jake is a good use of normalcy also, as well as her annoying boss. The introduction of other Elves was just beginning at the time of the review, but they are interesting and a good fit for the flow of the story.

Feelings:

Sometimes I feel that Amalie's childish dialogue is a little too mature for her. She is impulsive, and that is consistent throughout, but sometimes that could be shown more in dialogue and thought scenes rather than telling us about it. I would like to have been shown the visits in between 1 and 2--- through age 14. In fact, in the chapter Extra Practice there is a short two paragraph memory moment of Amalie reviewing her past relationship and I am wondering if inserting a scene detailing these things could be included earlier, such as visit three, when they are 13 years old, showing us more of how they solidified their connection, and her curiosity about him, maybe even getting vibes about his differences and showing her attraction to his magical side, she could sense it, as we are told she does later. I'd like to see that closeness growing, in proportion to her reasons for being angry later at his absence. I love the journal entry about the visit at age 14, and it works really well, but could we see her writing in her journal after visit 3, contemplating her feelings, or something. I think a little foreshadowing in this department might go a long way in creating the anticipation for their meeting later in life. This would all have to be shown, not told. So we'd need movement--- her on a walk in the park, writing in her journal at school, or at a lake, or while watching ducks swimming--- anything to get some movement going. The 'telling' scenes, while not dry, by any means, could be more enhanced. Amalie obviously experiences longings to fit in, she might have experienced differences in herself that could be foreshadowed by perhaps a friend/ father/ brother/teacher noting something in her youth. I'd really like to see her attraction to the fantasy world--- some kind of foil to her obvious amazing attraction to the logical mathematical world. She needs both. This would prepare the reader to accept her interest in magic more readily. Because she does accept the fact that he is an Elf and that SHE is an Elf rather quickly. It would help to have seen her speculating earlier about a possible fantasy realm in relation to Adrien even during childhood. This wouldn't need to give away any of Adrien's secrets at all, just show her speculation about it.

Pacing:

I think this story is paced brilliantly. As I started to have questions in my mind, the next chapter delivered each and every time. This was immensely satisfying, and I kept anticipating and was rewarded. The writing style is excellent. You have a gift for story-telling. There are lots and lots of clues, but no info dumps, and you've created that trust between author and reader so that I was never frustrated. There weren't many times, in fact, no times that I felt left out of the story. I was with it the whole time. It reads really well.

Spelling and Grammar:

This manuscript is fairly clean, with a few spelling errors and grammatical fixes that will be caught upon rewrite and editing later. The main thing I want to draw attention to is the times the narrator speaks to the reader directly. For example: Adrien could easily explain that he isn't able to Dive with another person in tow, or isn't permitted to do it—this could be had in the conversation directly before they enter the training building rather than have the narrator tell (you) this fact. It comes across as a POV change and occasionally throws the reader off.

The vocabulary in this piece is almost flawless--- with the possible exception of a few typos and word choices that may have to be rethought. The Language and Mathematical analogies are lovely, and really add character to the piece. You could even capitalize more on that.

Suggestions:

I think my only suggestion would be once again, to add scenes from the subsequent childhood visits. Age 13, 15, even 16 could be added to. What did they do? How did their relationship develop? Romantic connection? Feelings? Senses? Questions asked and answered. He could ask her more about herself and her interests, her past, her mother, etc. This could lead to her wondering about his parents more. His avoidance of answering directly, in order to not "Tell" her her own origins (which he guesses at) need not be compromised, but skillfully brought into the reader's line of sight, adding to the anticipation and suspense. He is necessarily mysterious--- let's see him squirm a little more in keeping something from her. I don't mean give it away, I mean allude to it even more.

Highlights:

The river/ water scene is fabulous. For me, a real poignant revelation. It is unique enough to keep my attention.

Audience: Right now—teen fantasy readers, but as the book continues possibly young adult fiction or fantasy. I think it would appeal to a very broad range of people.

*****

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was my pleasure to review this portion of your novel.