Title: Teen Ager

Author: Tophie_Star

Genre: Fantasy

Suggested hashtag sub-genre: #TeenFiction

Cover: This cover is all right. It doesn't really portray the rich inner world or the colorful characters inside its covers.

Title: Again—this title is somewhat adequate, but it doesn't draw me in or give me any reason to read this story over any other. And that does it a disservice, because it is a very intense and rewarding read. It deserves something amazing.

Blurb: This blurb is pretty good. It certainly draws the reader in, and gives them reason to turn those pages. Having read the book—I can see it being even more alluring.

Summary: Terra, lives in a Meta-human country, but has no idea that she is one herself. She's been neglected by parents, sheltered yet self-sufficient. Upon moving to a new school she instantly finds a job using extraordinary talents, that also open her up to amazing new friends. Her journey is one of self-discovery, as well as acceptance. It is fraught with danger, suspense and exciting battles—inner core mental battles, and physical attacks from an outer demon.

Did I like it? Did it draw me in? How about those early chapters?

The Introduction to this story is intriguing. This chapter would be more powerful as a stand alone. My recommendation is to change the author note to a first post of explanation, and let the brilliant spotlights shine on your intro, which give plenty of world building and would then allow the reader to digest the info, so they know what to look for later. However—cautionary note: Introductions do set the stage--- make sure the most pertinent information toward understanding your fantasy world are covered and nothing else. Do not let one irrelevant detail detract from what your readers absolutely need to know. If the money scale is of paramount importance include it--- or ditch it.

First actual chapter:

This chapter is divided into four distinct segments each of which has valid character development and small hints about the nature of the story. They are well-written for the most part, but a first chapter should be the grabber. It should snatch at the reader, clutch at them and firmly root them in wanting to know more. This actually starts out very cliché—with very little action, or offering of plot clues. I can see much of the back story that is revealed later in the book, being alluded to here. Pieces of the setting, the timeline, and relationships can be expounded on in conversation and thought even more than they are. The huge shocker at the end really is the hook, but readers don't like to have shocks completely thrown at them out of the blue as much as they like to be figuring it out as they go. Suggestion would be to give a few clues along with the character development.

What did I think of the plot? The narrator voice?

This story actually has two plots. It reads like a mystery/ fantasy thriller on one hand with the powerful Metahuman element that is revealed in little bursts here and there, and sometimes too far into the story--- readers might like to be introduced to the Elementals etc, in convo earlier. The second story is Terra's journey of self-discovery, which literally sometimes distracts us from the other story until we forget there was another story going on. The references to foreign money really help to remind the reader that this is a fantasy novel and not a contemporary action story exactly. I like both stories, but they don't always integrate well until later in the book. I'd like to have more back story earlier on—less sudden fits of revelation, like giant explanations of world building, and relationship building. For example: Terra's mother's issues could easily be incorporated earlier, as well as Marie-Anne's feelings for her daughter's biological father. Instead of having this character dumped in the middle of the book, he could be a well thought out and anticipated antagonist behind the scene's until he makes his actual appearance. It would even add to the mystery for the reader to be wondering if he was Terra's attacker. Foreshadowing Cam's abilities and feelings would also be easy to do, and add an element of suspense and anticipation. Good job foreshadowing the Racia--- do more of that!

Characters:

Wow! These are some of the most defined characters I've read here on wattpad. And they are so well defined, they almost never lose personality or do things you wouldn't expect of them. With the exception to Terra's first reaction to the deaths in her high school. Even with her explanation, this is out of character for her, and all of them. Death in your HS is a huge big deal. There would be rampant speculation and fear. She is one tough cookie, but she loses her relatability by not reacting with more concern initially.

Let's talk about Racia: I think her character is bizarre, like a hosted inner stream of thought. She has that second sense and knows things like she's the eye in the back of your head, but her character could do so much more, and be so much more interesting. Some of her banter with Terra does not move the story forward at all, and makes her almost irrelevant. And she can't be irrelevant! She is unique and wonderful, and a reason many people would read this book, so do not let her ever be static, give her purpose, and ability, even powers if necessary.

Terra: She has amazing confidence when required, her bravado is often misplaced, when others would be afraid she is curious, and confrontational. This might be annoying, but she carries it off well. She has a lot of hostility. The flashback of when she was five really gives plausibility to her hostility toward her mom and I feel should happen earlier in the story so as not to allow the reader to wonder about her anger, and form the opinion that she's irrationally mean and disrespectful. She has reason to feel the way she does, but we don't get it until we've already seen too much of her being rude and obnoxious. She's a funny character, this girl! You're never really sure about liking her.

The guys: Austin—amazing. But the neighbor kid is right there with him.

Peripheral characters: The Dwarfs, Cam, Xander, Charlotte (Blonde Bun!) etc, all add something, but could be more relevant. Especially Xander. Her character intrigues me. I'd like to see more of her, feel more of her. Also Mitch---

Feelings:

I'm not firmly rooted in the setting of this fantasy world. It is hard to see it, considering it is low-fantasy and takes place here on earth in a modern day high school, pub, park, and homes. References are made to the realm, but I can't feel it.

Along that note: This piece comes alive when the topic is evil related. When it swirls into direct contact with darkness and the fire demon guy, suddenly all stops are pulled and beautiful descriptions roll forth, causing intense reaction in the reader.

Two things are happening then. The reader is sucked in, addicted, wanting and needing more, more, more of this amazing anticipation and drama. Here is where the author shines, your craft clearly visible, your whole self put into it.

However, this tendency has given the reader the awful truth that you are holding back! And they feel betrayed, and want this same attention given in all cases. You've created a craving, and you need to deliver. The scenes of the high school music competition become boring and irrelevant in comparison. Just in comparison, not that they are really boring or irrelevant, not by any means, they go far in promoting that normal life Terra seeks. But standing next to the battle scenes, the encounters with the fantastical—they pale. Imagine yourself there, give us that feeling you are capable of.

Pacing and flow:

This piece juggles that fine line between showing and telling. There are moments of really great showing, plenty of action and dialogue. And then there are long scenes of waking up in her bedroom, descriptions of the mundane, such as eating lunch in the school cafeteria, or classroom banter, or even meetings of the bands and discussion of songs and stuff that simply detracts and slows the pace, takes me out of the story. A nice mix, including more thought about the evil elements would spice up these parts, and remind the reader to anticipate more action and therefore stay with you.

Spelling and Grammar:

Unfortunately, this piece could really benefit from a good spellcheck, and proofread for grammatical errors. Acronyms if used at all should be explained at least once before using them, ie: NWTBF ???? I mean, if you're up on text slang, yeah, but many readers aren't. If you're going to use dashes—either two or none. Watch for missing end punctuation. Numbers should be spelled out, except after one hundred and percentages, to be industry standard. Or even just correct grammar. The author notes: my suggestion, get them out of there, they refer to moments when you were writing and people were waiting for you to post. They detract now immensely. They are in bold as well, so the reader thinks they are relevant, when they aren't. Let this wonderful story speak its powerful messages on its own!

Suggestions:

Include the large info dump back story parts earlier on, in smaller increments, maybe in action thought sequences, or dialogue early in the story. Let your power shine in other places than just the dark, scary places. Sprinkle it generously, it is your strength. Possibly declutter with irrelevant banter between characters. More foreshadowing and front loading will create more suspense. You have a powerful story begging to be told here. Decide if you're going to use the cussing or not, but ditch the cuss words with ***. The cussing actually doesn't add much to the story in my opinion. I like their easy flowing and witty dialogue without it.

Highlights:

Austin's and Drake's rescues--- again dark action scenes. You've got that part down pat! Austin's visions, his concern--- I really feel his growing interest and self-discovery. Nicely done!

Audience:

Teens, and some younger, young adult

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was a pleasure to review your story!