Title: Invidia's Strike

Author: @quietEcstasy

Genre: Wattpad listing as Fantasy

Author listed as subgenre: High Fantasy

Reviewer suggestion subgenre: #Lovecraftian Horror

Cover:

The cover for this book is perfect, lots of symbolism and great design

Title:

Does nothing for me at all. Invidia is not part of the story until the end--- at least as far as anyone knows, so I would either name him earlier on and leave the mystery of his presence out completely so as to give credence to the title, or re-title it, with perhaps a subtitle of Invidia's strike. I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out the title, and it was detracting from the story for me, I kept feeling like I'd missed something.

Blurb:

This blurb tells a great amount of what the story wants to be--- but the story itself does not follow easily. The reader is left wondering continually if they misread it. My suggestion would be to leave the idea of Envy out of the blurb and move it to a detailed prologue explaining these ideas of Sin, Envy, Lost End--- terms that rarely come up in the text. Then the reader will be looking for references and trying to piece it together better.

Summary:

A baker's family of marriageable daughters seeking eligible mates is suddenly thrown into a psychological suspense whirlwind of possibilities. Lamia, the main character, falls for a traveling merchant, only to find that her sister has already spoken for him. This sparks interesting emotions that Lamia and her family will ultimately pay the dearest price to understand, if they ever do.

Did I like it:

Actually, I did. The early chapters were slightly confusing at first, as the fairytale feel to the story caught me off guard. But once I got into it, I began to understand. This story is so well-crafted and subtle, the reader is left with a page turner, for several reasons: the main character is a bold, consistent--- protagonist. Yes, I think, the main character is also the main protagonist. And this is why. We are not introduced to other possible protagonists until quite a way into the story, and Lamia's selfish, immature, self-absorbed, rude, thoughtless, and inconsiderate character leads one to believe after a few chapters that she is the bad guy. Whether this is still true at the end of the story is a suspension of belief similar to fairy tales where the reader must determine whether to like or dislike the main character, acknowledging the flaws in their psyche and going along with it, because the character is so interesting. Did the story draw me in? Yes, it actually did, although I had a number of questions in my mind that weren't satisfied as a reader. Initially, the back story and the realm they lived in, their customs and especially their dialogue threw me off completely. I had a very hard time placing the story, until one of the chapters had an author note explaining the time period was medieval--- the dialogue of the characters at least in private, in Lamia's thoughts, and especially in their home supported a very much more modern lingo. It turns out, because of the fairy tale/suspension of belief design, that setting and time frame are not as important to the story, however, they could be alluded to in fine detail a little more, especially marriage customs, and the kingdom's set-up which comes into major play later in the story, but has no real foreshadowing or interest grabbing allure early on.

Characters:

The main character is Lamia, and as mentioned she is a completely disagreeable child/ woman teetering between teenage experience and perhaps the customs of her realm—ie: marriage age, and desire to start a family. Lamia's fault is in her jealousy, which becomes a figment in her mind, and eventually a very real determining factor in her life. It is unclear if Lamia is at fault for experiencing this emotion—as it seems she is acted upon much of the time by an outside source, and she perceives things and misreads people much as a small child might--- but responds to these perceptions with furious and immediate over reaction. She apparently does not have the self-control to step back from any situation she finds herself in, and is unable to make informed decisions giving anyone else the benefit of the doubt. This is fore-shadowed really well in that the other character's personalities are given in a manner that can be interpreted both ways, thereby keeping the reader wondering, and building the suspense. The sign of a really well-crafted mystery.

Do I connect with the characters?

Lamia is bizarre--- I doubt anyone can completely connect with her, although all have experienced jealousy on some level.

The parents are stereotypical fairy tale parents—and for the most part, understandable.

The sisters are well drawn, engaging and enlightening foils to help tell Lamia's story. Lorelai is perhaps the most believable character, as her motives seem to echo normalcy, and she keeps the story grounded. Terrance and Anteo are harder to get into, due to their questionable early introductions, where the mother is fascinated by nobles, but Lamia is disgusted with them. So, we must suspend belief again, when she falls for not one, but both of them rather easily. Not sure if Lamia is using them, or if she is getting revenge on them, or her mother....?

There are a myriad of sub-characters who are complex, and yet obscure. I am not convinced of the efficacy of Priscilla—either as a harlot, a concubine, or Lamia's friend later on. With the exception of her actually living in the basement, and being a part of that ideal, I can see her character actually being more effective combined with Olivia's, to avoid unnecessary confusion.

I feel the characters are sufficiently complex to carry the story forward, although more polishing could be done to solidify their representations if the author's intent is to have them be symbolic.

Feelings:

Knowing the genre and what to expect might help the overall feeling. I suggest reading the full explanation of Lovecraftian Horror and deciding whether or not it fits your hopes for the book. High Fantasy means leaving this world and creating a new one: ie: Lloyd Alexander's, Chronicles of Prydain, or JRR Tolkien's, Lord of the Rings. The reader is not clear in Invidia's Strike that we have left reality and are completely in a different world setting, or simply a different time setting and fantasy place. Characters in High Fantasy generally fight off an evil threat, in an epic quest.

· Lovecraftian Horror excerpt from Wikipedia: I see many of these elements in this novel.

· "Helplessness and hopelessness. Although Lovecraftian heroes may occasionally deal a "setback" to malignant forces, their victories are temporary, and they usually pay a price for it. Otherwise, subjects often find themselves completely unable to simply run away, instead driven by some other force to their desperate end.

· Unanswered questions. Characters in Lovecraft's stories rarely if ever fully understand what is happening to them, and often go if they try.

· Sanity's fragility and vulnerability. Characters in many of Lovecraft's stories are unable to cope mentally with the extraordinary and almost incomprehensible truths they witness or hear. The strain of trying to cope, as Lovecraft often illustrates, is impossible to bear and insanity takes hold.

· Questionable parentage. Relatives of characters are typically depicted as paranormal or abnormal, whereas intimate relations in general are often represented as foreboding and sinister."

Pacing:

The pacing in this story is perfectly designed for suspense and continued reading. Each chapter draws the reader ever onward in Lamia's descent into madness. The balance of detail is clear and concise, and some of the metaphors are exquisitely delivered. There is very little world building going on—which suggests to me again, that high fantasy is not the genre for this story. Some cultural building is skillfully woven into the action scenes, however, the ideas of taxing and realm deficiencies are confusing, and not part of the main story which focuses mainly on Lamia and her own perceptions, rather than a larger perspective.

There are a number of places a knowledge of customs would have come in handy, and this might be included in a prologue. What are the expectations about honoring parents? Speaking disrespectfully? Common in this realm? Or simply a personality quirk? The parents in this story had an arranged marriage, but Lorelai and Terrance simply announce their intentions and go off and live together consummating their love before the actual wedding, resulting in a pregnancy--- would there have been any kind of censure? What about marrying out of the noble classes? We are told there are repercussions, but we are not allowed to feel them. There is a scene, where the characters are walking in the town, and stumble across a lower section where they feel afraid, I feel this is described well, and gives me a better point of view and idea of what the setting is that they live in. If there is to be very little world building, then let the reader in on the customs expected very early on.

I feel there are a number of places that showing rather than telling what is happening would add tension to the scene. For instance, at the death of the mother--- how did Lamia know it was a blood clot? Perhaps causes of death could be discussed between characters, not told by the narrator. Also—side note: Doctors in the Middle Ages knew little of the origination for the ailments that they were trying to treat, and not knowing the cause of the ailment made it incredibly difficult to try and figure out a way to treat or prevent it. The beginning of the Middle Ages saw a strong concentration on the church. The Church provided everything that anyone needed, and many believed that the practice of medicine was considered to be black magic. (http://www.thefinertimes.com/Middle-Ages/doctors-in-the-middle-ages.htm)

Also, a doctor would not have moved a patient to their home for treatment, nor would one have attended a birth, but a midwife tended to these things. Surgeries would not have been routinely performed, if at all, and many patients suffered blood poisoning and other complications. However, that being said, if this is a high fantasy realm, then a doctor can be whatever you want him to be.

Grammar and Spelling:

There were a few grammatical errors that can be easily corrected upon re-write, and no noticeable spelling errors that I haven't already mentioned inline text.

Sentence structure can also be worked on, simply by reading your text out loud.

The vocabulary in this piece is extraordinary and adds much to the overall flow. Very nicely done. Many power words are used effectively.

Foreshadowing is minimal and could be used a little more, but it is subtle and certainly effective when used. Terrance's early warning that goes unheeded does create reservations and doubt. Reflections in the green man's eyes being a reflection of what Lamia sees in herself is poignant and well done.

I like the italicized thoughts of the main character and caution the author to stick to just the one perspective for this, as a few times thoughts are from others, and because there are no tags, the reader might become confused. Decide ahead of time if you are using first person omniscient or third person omniscient for POV.

Dialogue occasionally feels stilted and wordy. This can also be checked by reading it out loud to yourself.

Suggestions:

Make a prologue to explain the world you have created and the expectations and initial goals of the characters. Include the ideas of Sin, Envy, Diamond Houses, The Realm, or Kingdom, even the King, if you choose to continue making reference to him occasionally. But especially the idea of madness and insanity touched upon heavily in your narration. This would go a long way toward front-loading the audience and preparing them for the story.

Also--- research the time and setting you choose ultimately to make sure your descriptions fit. ie: Chandelier vs. candelabrum, paper vs. parchment or scrolls, etc.

Highlights:

This is a well-crafted novel and has great potential. I am excited to continue reading the series as it gets published. I especially liked the diversity in characters, the symbolism of Envy and the green eyed monster (Trying not to give it all away here!) I did not get the connection to Invidia at all. I mean, I understand on a basic level, but the prominence given in the title would lead me to believe Invidia plays a greater role. (I mean the name as well. In my opinion, Invidia should be the MC then.)

Audience:

This story would appeal to a wide range of readers, from fantasy to teen-fiction, to horror, to suspense. I think a broad age group would be applicable.

*****

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a review is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions.

*****