Username: madisueb

Title: A Feeling In The Mind

Genre: Romance/ Fantasy

Cover: Exquisite, really awesome

Title: Explains the dreamlike quality of the story and gives a glimpse into what it is about.

Blurb: Cryptic, doesn't really draw me in, feels poetic

First Chapter: I have nine researched elements I use to analyze a first chapter, and this one met most of my requirements admirably. It is of a decent length, smaller, rather than larger, which is good. It stays in Present tense, and First Person limited POV, without flashbacks or flash forwards. The reader is presented with a funny and insecure main character, emotional and boy crazy, a little vain and obsessed with looks or her lack of them. I find out later that she is actually a well-trained warrior/assassin/soldier... but I did not get that from this chapter. I also find out later that Stella is not necessarily the most main character or who the story is about. While it is okay to not present the reader with the main character right off the bat, I felt like Soren, Aron and Torrent were just sub characters. If the author wants to portray them as the main characters, I suggest possibly starting with their POV, or at least changing to First person omni to give us a blast into their thoughts and psyche early on. The sparse setting was just enough to whet the appetite. The immediacy of the piece is perfectly balanced in the dance and the attraction, pegging this story as a romance right off. There was a good intro to conflict between Soren and Torrent, and it definitely felt boldly written.

Summary: I feel like there were two completely separate stories going on here. The first and main story is about Soren and Aron who have been best friends, and who now are at odds with each other, although the love they have shared for each other is still in place. I feel the second story is about Enzo who longs to be a Ranger and go exploring, yet doesn't recognize the price he will be asked to pay for so becoming.

Did I like it? What's not to like? This is the fourth in a series of fantasy novels about the Zodiac family living on Malison, and often exiled or taken to war for their tyrannical father's pleasure. It has intrigue, depth, twisty plot lines, and crazy characters. Yes, I liked it.

What did I think of the plot?

The plot in these stories is so ongoing, and often without complete resolution that it's hard to say exactly what the plot is. I felt that the characters had a quest to find an evil guy named Harry, they showed some detective work, while also fighting internal battles that affected their choices.

Believable? I felt that the romance between Stella and Torrent at the beginning was genuine, although it was obvious that Soren had feelings for her as well, but he had feelings for many people, and his main concern besides himself seemed to be his relationship with Aron, which bordered on obsessive. I almost thought they were in love with each other, not just bros. The bad guy in the story feels bad--- but I'm not always sure what he is after specifically. But he is dangerous for sure. There is a sense of power lust that threatens our good guys, and that sets the story up for expectancy, and is why readers will keep reading.

Characters: Not being familiar with these characters from the other books in the series, I have to say, they were confusing and overwhelming in the early chapters. I realize that they would have been known from the other books, and that this isn't a stand-alone novel, so I am willing to go along with the confusion. It would have been nice to resolve it maybe by telling the reader some back story, like a "Previously on Malison" excerpt.

This is what I got from the characters:

Aron- represents honor

Soren- vanity, he changes personality, if that is his growth and development, I'm all for it

Stella- ditzy

Alisha- ?

Hudson- ?

Simeon- ?

Mike and Luke- reminded me of the Weasley Twins, overbearing, and I feel like I'm missing something with them

Harry- bad guy

Enzo- day dreamer, naiive, easily used

Torrent- eye candy

Blythe- ?

Larkin-?

TJ-?

Ames-?

Skadi-?

Glow-?

Stringer Soren-?

A bunch of other characters were listed once or twice and I had no idea about them

Azun- the devil

Nathaniel- strange twist in the plot---

Pacing: The action scenes are spot on interesting and move the story the most, really give the plot it's spurts of energy. They are liberally interspaced as well, so as to keep the reader motivated. The romance elements are distant for me--- mainly because Stella doesn't seem to know what she wants, and it feels a lot like Soren is using her—or wants to, not that he loves her. Being told that someone is in love is a whole lot different than showing it. What does he do to show it? Maybe in the end. Torrent actually makes choices that place Stella first, making him seem the logical choice for her.

The story is written from differing POV's and that can be a neat trick if done well. For the most part, I felt confused, but I think as it progressed I got the main gist.

My main suggestion for this story would be to have a prologue where back story is explained ahead of time, and the blurb also. If the sub characters are necessary, keep them, but give them purpose, not just honorable mentions. Readers tend to focus on these names, thinking they will have to remember them, and then they miss the real story going on. By the third chapter--- have the conflict secured, the quest laid out and planned strategically, no cryptic allusions--- make sure the reader knows what to anticipate. Really delve into their powers and what they can do. I would even have a page in the beginning delineating each character and their powers and what they are limited by and what they can do. Something the reader can refer back to when confused. I like the idea of powers, and the use of them. I'd wouldn't mind seeing more of this aspect of your story. The use of magic, telepathy and telekinesis is also very powerful, and possibly underused in this story.

If Harry has access to an army, I feel this should be known up front, so as to create immediacy and urgency with the opposing forces. Whatever weapons they have should be really clear and how they use them as well. They can't just show up out of the blue with them, and the rest of the crew not even know they existed.

Things I really would like to see explained better: Portals, Clones, Self-healing, Spells, holographic projections, 100's of siblings, the numbers (Seven, Twelve, etc.) ((This could be done in an intro or prologue))., Oaths and Teams.

Spelling and Grammar:

I highly recommend going through your manuscript post by post and taking it off line—running it through a grammar and spelling check, cleaning it up and then putting each post back up. The amount of errors do actually detract and take away from the story as the reader is slowed down by having to decipher incorrect uses of words, and alternate spellings. I have heard that agents reading these posts looking for great stories if they come across even one grammatical error will move on and never read another word. Try to get is as polished as possible. If anyone gives you suggestions about changing word choice, or commas, or anything, make it a habit to change it immediately.

Highlights: I loved the romance elements, thought they were really fun, different, and added a lot to the story.

Audience: Elementary and young adult readers.

Hope this helps. I will do my best to read some of the other books and episodes to get a better feel for your stories. I think you have a very unique world and concept going, and it deserves to be read.