Username: @Lucho1912

Title: Brandon Castle and the Lost Relic

Genre: Fantasy

Expectations: This cannot be a full review, as there technically isn't enough of it. So I will do a critique as best I can. Secondly, you ask that I not correct grammar, but simply comment on the plot.

Summary: Brandon has a dream where his friend steals a stone from their mentor or employer or possibly their guardian and they curiously reveal the stone only to find that it has unexpectedly disastrous consequences and powers. Then Brandon wakes to find that the dream was real. He follows thoughts and perceptions to a place... on second look, I believe what happened was real and that Freddy changed into another form, haunted by something that he'd had to deal with for years, and Brandon was actually knocked out. Then Brandon starts running away from somebody who has a pack of wolves, or monsters of some kind and orders them to kill him. Brandon is rescued at the last second by weird lights and possibly another magical person, who leaves a cryptic note which tells Brandon to meet at a special place. He makes his way to this place and is met by a woman who magically opens a door in the road and calmly tells him very little about what might be happening. Then she leaves him there asleep and he meets another smaller child who is threatened by certain death at the hands of an evil sorceress who takes the kid and leaves through a portal, so Brandon tags along, and ends up in another strange place.

I honestly don't feel like my summary is a very good summary. I'm sure this story is going to be amazing. It has all the cool elements of Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Lord Of the Rings and a dozen other interesting fantasy precepts. All epic, all amazing, and all very cool and trendy right now. But the pieces I read were pretty confusing to me. Hard to puzzle it all out with so little to go on. So much crammed into a small space.

My thoughts: First chapters are like a gourmet meal: they must be well prepared and well delivered. Presentation is everything. The meal can be well prepared and even somewhat well delivered, in other words, the ingredients and recipes are deserving, but if it looks yucky, and doesn't entice anybody to try it—it's doomed.

This piece needs with a capital N, paragraphs and page breaks, even post breaks to deliver the importance and power of all the details being presented. It Needs separation between speaking parts and setting, between action and world building back story.

Strengths: The prologue was well written and enticing. It hints at thrilling epic adventure and salvation to come. Disasters awaiting, and quests to be taken. The tone of the prologue doesn't match the tone or voice of the chapter. Maybe there is too much to process.

Suggestions: Give it the space it deserves. Know that this isn't a short story. It's an epic. It will take time to unfold.

Did I like it so far? Absolutely, cool concepts.

Please leave a comment so I know you read it. Remember that a critique is simply my opinion and you as the creator still have all poetic license, and it will not hurt my feelings if you don't use my suggestions. It was a pleasure to critique your story.