(hA HA HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY)
This chapter is almost entirely a flashback
and is ridiculously fucking long.

MEGA TRIGGER WARNING
Warnings for racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and related slurs, emotionally descriptive rape/non-con (or at least the events leading up to it), nonconsensual use of drugs, extreme depression, and attempted suicide. If you're uncomfortable reading about these topics but want to continue following the story,  tell me in the comments and I will do my best to summarize in as brief a manner as possible.

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Rin instinctively covered his face when he felt the strong hands latch onto the back of his head. He was slammed into the lockers beside him, and he heard several people laugh. He said nothing as the typical jabs continued.

Homo. Chink. Fag. Pussy. Jap. Cocksucker.

The words flew by and hardly stirred anything in him. He was numb to it. This just seemed to rile them up more, and the quarterback who'd thrown him grabbed him more firmly by his long hair and pulled his head up so that he was forced to face him. He let out a low whistle.

"You glarin' at me, or is it just those squinty eyes of yours?" The jock said with a smug grin. His co-conspirators howled with laughter, and one of them slapped him across the back as some sort of congratulations. Rin lowered his gaze.

"I don't want any trouble," he said quietly.

The blonde, now holding Rin up by the front of his shirt, snickered so loudly that he didn't hear the footsteps approaching him from behind, or notice that his posse had fallen silent. He froze when a large hand firmly gripped his shoulder.

"More 'squinty-eyes' jokes, Brad? That's the best you can do?"

Brad's eyes grew wide, and he immediately loosened his hold on Rin's clothes, allowing him to slide to the ground while clutching the side of his head. The jock spun around to face the much larger Japanese student standing over him.

"Y-Yamazaki! We were just playing around, is all—"

"Like hell you are," Sousuke spat, glowering at the now panicked group one by one.

He leaned forward, by mere inches, but it was enough to send Rin's assailant scurrying backwards in fear. Sousuke shoved him even further away with ease and extended his other hand to the collapsed student below him.

"Get your redneck ass out of here. And take your cheerleaders with you," he commanded, and the other teens fled. Tch. He turned back to Rin and gestured at the direction they had run.

"Want me to get 'em?" He asked, and Rin shook his head.

"Don't bother," Rin replied, his voice flat. Sousuke frowned.

"This is getting out of hand." Sousuke's tone was weary, as this was a conversation he had grown tired of having.

"I'm fine," Rin insisted, as he always did. Rin stood and brushed imaginary dirt off of his clothes.

"You need to tell someone. A teacher, your parents—"

"I'm fine." Rin repeated himself almost threateningly, glaring at Sousuke.

Sousuke looked after him as he walked, and sighed at his own uselessness. Sure, he could keep the boys away, but he couldn't be around 24/7. He didn't know what they did when he wasn't around. Rin refused to tell, and he'd promised he wouldn't say anything. He knew that Rin would never forgive him if he did, and as selfish as it was, Sousuke needed Rin as much as Rin needed him.

All he could ever do was watch.

Rin, meanwhile. trudged through the halls alone, keeping his head down. When he found the door to the bathroom, he ducked inside to study his own face and make sure the bruises didn't show. It seemed that this time, at least, he'd gotten away unscathed. This was the best he could hope for.

----------------

Sousuke had met Rin in elementary school.

Back then, he'd had a really thick accent, one that got him picked on by just about everyone. He was barely intelligible sometimes, and often had to resort to charades to tell people what he was trying to say. He often pointed at objects and tilted his head, silently asking "what is the word for this?" His English wasn't exactly good.

Sousuke had relayed this to his parents, and their response was to suggest he be a midway point for the boy, a translator of sorts. Sousuke's father, a retired policeman, was always reminding Sousuke that it was a man's duty to protect other people, and opted to teach him simple Japanese, though both of his parents opted not to bother teaching him how to read or write it. Apparently the Japanese language made use of three different alphabets, something Sousuke could never understand.

He had approached Rin somewhat shyly two weeks later, starting off their first conversation as friends with a simple "Hello, how are you doing? My name is Sousuke Yamazaki." He'd paused, remembering what his parents had said about names in Japan, and corrected himself. "Yamazaki Sousuke."

And Rin had beamed at the familiarity of his words for a moment, a blush lighting up his cheeks, before laughing. "You sound like a robot!" Rin had teased, and Sousuke had had half a mind to stomp off in frustration and not bother attempting to speak to him again. But he had always been stubborn.

When Sousuke went home after school that day, he told his parents about his new friend. They'd been proud, and it was in that moment that Sousuke had decided he would always be there to protect Rin.

It was a promise he had always kept, but now he felt like Rin didn't even want him there sometimes.

At the moment, he was changing, getting ready for swim practice, and he noticed once again that Rin was absent. This upset him more than he could explain.

Rin loved to swim. He was passionate about it. But the bullying and the attitude he got from the other swimmers was poisoning that for him. Sousuke rubbed his sore shoulder, the one he'd elected to ignore for the sake of keeping Rin company here, and turned to see one of the other boys opening his locker.

"Y'seen Rin?" He asked, and the other boy, Curt, stiffened.

"Why would I know where he is?"

"What's with the defensiveness? I asked you a simple goddamn question." He glared, and Curt awkwardly stepped away from him, trying to create a protective distance.

"I just don't hang out with him," he stammered as Grayson entered the room.

"Grayson, you seen Rin?" Sousuke repeated, and Grayson had a similar reaction of immediate and extreme rejection. Sousuke felt his temper boiling.

"What the fuck is you guys' problem with him, anyway? He hasn't done anything to you, and he's an asset to the team. More so than half of you." By now nearly half the team had assembled, as Mark, Taylor, and Jay had arrived. Every one wore the same expression.

"...Well, look, Yamazaki, you hang out with him. You know what people say about that guy," Jay began, and Sousuke slammed his locker door shut hard enough to startle him out of his skin. He remained silent and glared.

"D-don't look at us like that, bro, you're fuckin' scary!"

"You're real big for a Jap, y'know."

"Don't fucking call me that. For the eight thousandth goddamn time, don't call me that! Him either!"

Sousuke wasn't sure how many times he would have to repeat himself before these idiots understood what a slur was. They'd always laugh and say they didn't mean it that way as if that somehow changed how uncomfortable it made him, how utterly dehumanizing it was.

"Jesus, man, chill out! You're always so uptight about that shit—"

"And you're always, always a bunch of pricks."

He stormed off, as he usually did whenever he tried to maintain any kind extended of conversation with them, and opted to text Rin and ask him directly where he'd run off to. He got the same vague response that he usually did and sighed.

"The things I put up with for you," he groaned as he returned to the group of snickering boys.

----------------

"Would you like to go out with me?"

Rin nearly dropped his sandwich at that, and he heard Sousuke choke on his water.

When the popular girls had asked him to eat at their lunch table, he'd been surprised, but had eagerly accepted. He'd hoped it meant that someone was beginning to like him. What people usually said about the popular girls was that they were manipulative backstabbers, but he didn't get that impression from these girls, and he had hoped he was right. He'd put his reservations aside and given them a chance.

Now, the prettiest and most popular girl among them was asking him out. He almost didn't know how to respond to that.

"Well?" She asked, wriggling in her seat as the other girls giggled at the bewildered expression on his face.

Time completely froze to him. His immediate instinct was to turn her down, because, after all, he wasn't interested in her. Rin wasn't interested in girls in general. He knew this, and he felt Sousuke staring at him, and he remembered that Sousuke knew this as well. He felt his mouth go dry.

"U-um. Why do you want to go out with me? We've hardly spoken," he stammered, and she laughed. When he was silent, she realized he was being serious.

"Well, you're hot! I saw you at the swim tournament the other day, and goodness, do you know how to hide how good-looking you are."

Her name was Sheila. She was nice, Rin thought. And, sure, he could see that she was pretty. She had big blue eyes and long lashes, and had long brown hair that looked silky and soft. There was a light dusting of freckles across her nose, just enough that she looked cute. She always wore nice clothes and jewelry, and had impeccable taste in shoes, but he figured it wouldn't be very heterosexual of him to notice that and dismissed that thought.

People rarely said bad things about Sheila. He was pretty sure she was a cheerleader, or maybe on the volleyball team? He knew he'd seen her with a ribbon pinned to her athletic jacket once or twice, seen her name in the school papers. She wasn't quite as skinny as the other popular girls— she had more muscle tone to her.

If he had to go out with a girl, he figured he could stand Sheila. She didn't seem too forceful. She wasn't too girly. And she seemed kind enough.

He looked once at Sousuke, whose expression was rather fearful now, before turning to Sheila and nodding.

"U-um, sure? Why not? You're very pretty."

Sheila and the other girls giggled.

"I told you his accent was cute," she said, and Rin frowned. He always hoped that people didn't notice it, as it really should have been gone by now.

He knew it was wrong, and that Sheila didn't deserve to be led on, and that he wasn't attracted to women in the slightest. But he couldn't stand being treated this way for the rest of the year. If this was how they treated him without any actual proof of his sexuality, how much worse would it get if they knew it for a fact? Rin shuddered at the thought.

Just one more year.

Just one more year, and he could leave this place behind. He'd never have to see any of his merciless classmates again. He could go somewhere far away where no one would know who he was or have any reason to question his sexuality.

Just one more year— he could do that.

He forced a laugh as the girls continued to tease him about his pronunciation. He ignored Sousuke's concerned gaze.

----------------

Rin's life quickly shifted after he'd accepted Sheila's invitation. It seemed like there were a lot more rules he was supposed to follow, and his being allowed into the circle of popularity apparently allowed room for Sousuke. Sousuke was not pleased.

"It's not a good idea, Rin. People are going to find out, and then it'll be even worse," Sousuke argued, and Rin shook his head. They were alone in the locker room by the pool. It had finally become safe for Rin to attend swim practice.

"It's just one more year! I'll just pretend to be shy. Or, hell, maybe I'm just religious. I don't have to sleep with her or anything like that."

"I'm not saying that, I'm saying that people will be able to tell you're not into her. She'll be able to tell."

"Do you like watching me get beat up every day? I'm less than fond of it!"

Sousuke frowned. He didn't like that, but he didn't like this, either. He felt some kind of impending doom. He'd always been a little paranoid, but still.

Despite his worries, Sousuke was forced to ignore his instincts and allow his friend to continue his charade. He was sworn to absolute secrecy. He would often beg Rin to break up with her, and Rin would always refuse, and then Sousuke would always let his friend leave and ignore the queasy feeling in his stomach.

Rin didn't mind this, as Sheila proved to be sufficient cover.

Rin started attending swim practice regularly, hardly missing a single meeting, and for the most part the boys had stopped picking on him. Now they asked him questions about Sheila, most of them rude and vulgar. He grimaced. He didn't know why he'd ever wanted to be friends with this lot.

Sousuke was as aggressive with them as ever, even when they had stopped bullying his friend. He had a very low tolerance for certain brands of nonsense.

"I'm not even fuckin' Chinese! If you're gonna be a racist tool at least get it right," Rin heard Sousuke growl at one of the boys one afternoon, and the boy screeched an apology before bolting in the opposite direction. "Where do they keep finding these losers?" He muttered to himself.

Where indeed, Rin wondered. Somehow the swim club seemed to attract the worst of the worst, the kind of idiots that didn't even realize there was anything wrong with what they were saying. He wasn't sure which was worse: someone who knew and didn't care, or someone who didn't know.

Sousuke didn't seem to care which they were and was determined to destroy them all regardless. Sometimes Rin wished he had that same kind of gumption. Only sometimes, though. Sousuke had a lot of difficulty making friends because he, as the idiot boys put it, was prone to "freaking out for no reason".

"You'll just say one casual thing to him, tell one little joke, and he'll try and kill you," Rin had overheard Jay tell a group of appalled new students. He couldn't bring himself to care enough to correct him, and he knew Sousuke didn't give a damn.

He no longer sat alone with Sousuke at lunch. Sheila was popular, and this meant her table was always packed, but she made room for the two of them beside her. Rin got used to acting like he enjoyed her arm around him, or her hand intertwined with his. He'd gotten good at faking smiles, but he couldn't fake the other looks she'd sometimes give him, the ones where she'd lean forward slightly and bat her eyelashes like she was expecting something and Sousuke would look instantly annoyed and nervous.

Sousuke almost always looked nervous these days.

People started talking to Rin in the halls. He was far from popular, but people recognized him, and knew his name, and would sometimes congratulate him on a recent race. Even Sousuke was beginning to garner more attention. Some shy girls had approached him, girls who'd apparently admired him from afar for a long while but had been afraid to talk to him. Sousuke went on a few casual dates here and there, but none of the girls particularly took his interest.

It's probably me, Rin realized. If a girl didn't understand his protective devotion to Rin, Sousuke would quickly stop seeing her. He wondered why nobody had ever suspected that Sousuke wasn't straight. It was probably his demeanor. He came off as gruff and unapologetically masculine, and the high schoolers likely thought all gay men were the same flamboyant types they saw on TV.

Rin's parents asked about Sheila a lot. Lori was delighted that Rin had finally found himself a girlfriend. Or, at least, she seemed to be sometimes. Other times she'd ask him in a strange tone if he was really happy with her, and Rin would panic momentarily. Does she suspect me? he wondered. Russell said nothing aloud to indicate he had the same suspicions, but he did look at him oddly every once in a while, like he was looking for something.

Rin would dodge his parents' questions, or fake being truly satisfied with Sheila, and then go to his room and immediately call up Sousuke. He'd always have Sousuke, at least. His phone referred to him as Brosuke. Because that what he was, essentially— a cool big brother.

Other things could change, but Rin would always have his brother. Or so he hoped, at least.

----------------

Rin wasn't suspicious when Sheila invited him over for dinner at her house, saying that her parents were okay with it. They'd been dating for months, after all, she said. Perhaps his trust was his first mistake. In the years that would follow, Rin would replay the night over and over in his head looking for where he had gone wrong.

He got to her house to find that there were no parents to be seen. There was no car in the driveway. She giggled as she flashed him the house keys and said something about having the home for the weekend while her parents were away. Rin failed to understand why this made her so happy. He would learn later that she'd thrown an enormous house party that weekend.

Sheila prepared dinner for him, and offered him a can of what appeared to be soda. It was a soda can, but the tab had been opened already. She told him she'd just done it for him to be polite, and Rin shrugged it off as he took his first sip. She had a strange fruit drink of her own, and drank from it in huge swigs every few minutes.

She insisted they go to the basement and watch a movie, and he relented. He sat beside her on the couch, all too aware of how empty and dark the house was. Sheila would turn the volume down every once in a while, and when she did, she would nuzzle further into him. He kept ignoring it, kept trying to focus on the movie. Sheila kept insisting he finish his soda. She had both of their drinks on a little table next to the arm of the sofa.

Rin tried to focus on the dialogue and found that he couldn't. He couldn't muster the energy needed to process it, and he felt like the subtitles were getting more blurry by the second. Sheila kept asking him how he was feeling, and nuzzled into his shoulder, and he shook his head and said he was fine.

It grew to be too much when she slid a hand inside of his shirt, and he felt her palm against his bare skin. At her sensual touch, Rin flinched. He couldn't take any more. He wiggled away from her on the couch and moved to stand up.

"I really should be go—"

He couldn't finish the sentence.

As he put his weight on his legs, they buckled under him. He stumbled, trying to regain his balance, but instead toppled and landed on the carpet with a dull thud. He noticed just then how far forward the coffee table had been moved, understood why she'd used the side table instead. He heard Sheila approach him, and when he managed to roll over onto his back, he thought he could see her smirking down at him.

And that's all he could do— think he saw it. All of the little things that had been bugging him throughout the night suddenly attacked in full force, and he could barely see. His head was pounding, and his muscles felt unbearably heavy. Just rolling onto his back had taken most of his strength. He tried to shake his head to stave off the grogginess, but found he couldn't muster the strength needed to snap himself out of anything.

"Sheila?!" Rin exclaimed as the brunette kneeled down and moved over him, positioning herself so that she was straddling him. She leaned in close enough for him to smell alchohol on her breath. It must have been something more than fruit punch in her glass.

"How do you feel, babe?" She asked in a cheerful tone. He could now see her smirk clearly.

"Sheila, what was in that drink?!" Rin sputtered, finding that even speaking was difficult. His words were quiet and slurred.

Sheila didn't answer. Instead, she gestured at his groin, and he looked down. With horror, he realized that he felt a painful pressure at the seam of his jeans. He didn't feel even slightly aroused, but it seemed his body felt otherwise. It must have been another side effect of whatever was doing this to him.

"You're already like this, huh?" The woman teased, slightly grinding against him. Rin gasped out of shock rather than pleasure. "It wasn't anything too special— just a little something to help you relax."

She set a small box down beside them, one she had pulled out from under the couch, and Rin could barely make out that it contained condoms and lubricant along with some kinds of toys. He didn't want to think about how long she had planned this, or what she intended to do with everything.

"Relax...? You... You drugged me!" Rin shouted, or at least tried to. He could hardly comprehend that a girl he had thought to be 'one of the nice ones' would do such a thing. What kind of drug was it? Where did she even get it?

"Yeah. I figured you must have needed a little... encouragement. And you don't drink or anything, sooo..." Sheila trailed off as if the train of thought was one that should complete itself.

"Encouragement for what?" Rin demanded, and the girl chuckled knowingly.

"Oh, you know what I mean. We've been dating all this time, and you never wanna do anything. I guess you're really shy? Because, come on, every guy in the school wants to sleep with me," Sheila retorted.

Her demeanor had changed, and drastically at that. This Sheila was arrogant and lewd.

"But I don't want to!" Rin insisted, and Sheila laughed. "I'm being serious," he added.

Sheila stopped smiling.

"Wh... Why else would you agree to come over? And why not?" Her tone indicated that she was more confused than angry.

"I just don't!"

"Come on, you're seventeen."

"So?! I wanted to..." Rin hesitated.

He was about to admit that he had wanted his first time to be with someone special. He may have been a teenage boy, but he was also a hopeless romantic. He had always imagined that his first sexual experience would be with someone precious to him. Certainly not something like this... and never with a woman. But he couldn't tell her any of that.

"...I just don't, okay?"

Sheila looked suspicious. She paused, and then smirked greedily, a hungry look in her eyes.

"Oh, you'll be singing a different tune when I'm done with you."

She pulled her top over her head, exposing her lacy bra. Rin turned his head away. Sheila forcefully turned his face towards her with one hand as she slid up his shirt with the other. She looked pleased as she ran a hand over his well-defined abdominal muscles.

It finally registered in Rin's head just what it was that Sheila intended to do. He opened his mouth to protest, but found he still had difficulty making any sound louder than a hoarse whisper.

"S-stop!" Rin managed to shriek after a short while, and he wiggled helplessly.

"It's a shame— I must have used too much. It's no fun if you can hardly even move," Sheila whined. Her fingers found the button of his jeans. Rin could only look on with horror.

"Don't."

Rin flailed his arms at his 'girlfriend', trying to throw her off, to no avail. Sheila pulled his jeans and boxers down, leaving his painful erection exposed. 

"You're already so hard," she remarked. She took hold of Rin's member. As she started to move her hands over him, he reeled back in disgust. He continued to struggle, but his body wouldn't respond properly.

Sheila's movements stopped suddenly, and she glared down at him. Rin felt himself tense up with apprehension.

"You're crying...? Seriously, why don't you wanna sleep with me?!" She inquired angrily.

Rin hadn't realized it, but at some point he'd begun to cry. He choked back his sobs.

"I just... Don't!" Rin tried insisting once more, and he heard Sheila groan in annoyance.

"That's not a good enough excuse." She stood up and moved to take off her own pants, and Rin's head rang loudly in its hysteria.

Sheila was going to take his virginity by force. She didn't think anything of it, as it likely wouldn't hurt him, not physically, but this was about so much more than that.

He was helpless. He couldn't get to his phone. Nothing he said seemed to get through to her. In his panic, he said the only thing left that he could... The only excuse that she just might heed.

"I'm gay, alright?!"

Rin froze, realizing what he had just done. Sheila stopped moving entirely. He couldn't read her expression... Her silence was deafening. To his surprise, she stopped fiddling with her pants and resumed her previous position seated atop him.

"...You're gay?" She almost whispered, and Rin nodded, his sobs becoming harder and harder to control.

Sheila seemed to contemplate that for a moment. Her face was void of emotion.

"I... I... I know it was wrong, okay, but I just couldn't take any more! You were so nice, and so pretty, and when you asked me out I said yes because I thought dating you wouldn't be so bad and that everyone would just leave me alone if I had a girlfriend! I was scared that someone would find out the truth, so I used you as a coverup, and you were an especially good one because you're so popular— things were finally turning around for me! But that... That doesn't excuse what I did!"

The words, still slurred together, poured out of Rin's mouth. He apologized in every way he could think of, but Sheila continued to stare at him with blank eyes. Somehow her silence was even more frightening than her previous behavior.

"So... You were using me? As a cover?" She asked.

Rin nodded shamefully.

"Does Sousuke know?"

He nodded again, biting his lip. Shiela's eyes continued to narrow, and Rin felt like her gaze was burrowing into his skull.

"You would never... touch me... I'm just not attractive enough for you? Everyone wants me! I'm the hottest girl in the school, you... you disgusting little faggot!"

Rin cringed. He'd been lying to himself when he said he was used to being called those things.

"I-I think you're beautiful, but I'm... not attracted to women, and that has nothing to do with you. Sheila—"

"SHEILA!" She shrieked, cutting him off with a jerk of his shirt collar that slammed his head into the carpet. "For the love of god, It's Sheila! With an L! You lead me on like that and you can't even pronounce my fucking name?!"

"Sheil... Sheil-a, Sheil..."

Rin choked the familiar name out over and over again, trying to say it the way that she did, but the L wouldn't roll off of his tongue smoothly enough. Shee-oorah, he pronounced it, and he couldn't say it correctly no matter how hard he tried.

"How long have you been here— almost ten years, right? Ten years and you still can't speak proper fucking English?!"

Sheila's hands closed around his throat and tightened.

"I— I can't breathe!" Rin squeaked, trying to claw at her hands.

"Enough! You say you're a fag, huh?! Well, if that's what you want, I'm gonna treat you like one," Shiela spat, her voice sinister and hateful.

Rin's eyes widened as she reached for the box beside her. He summoned every ounce of strength left in his body and fought her desperately, but she easily pinned him down, tearing off what was left of his clothes. Her nails dug into his skin.

He screamed as loudly as he could, but no one heard him, and his pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears.

----------------

The water was hot.

Sheila was not nice. Rin understood that now, he understood that far too well.

The shower water was too hot. It hurt. It wasn't hot enough. He still felt dirty. He was dirty. The water needed to be hotter if he was going to rid his skin of the feeling of her hands on him.

Sheila was not nice. She was polite. Or, she was on the surface, anyway. There was a critical difference between being likable and being kind.

He understood things better now. People were not always what they seemed. Sheila had never learned to take no for an answer. Everything she had ever wanted had been given to her without question, had been handed to her on a silver platter. To hear a no— that she could not take. That she would not take, not from anyone, least of all from Rin.

Who was he to be unaffected by her body? Who was he to deny her? She got off on people looking at her and wishing they could be her, got off on denying those who wanted her. To hear that Rin did not want her had been something like a paradox to her, one that couldn't go unpunished.

The water was steaming now, and he heard his mother knock and ask with concern in her voice how much longer he planned on staying in there, and he managed to half-shout that he was fine, that he had strained a muscle and the hot water was helping.

The bleeding had stopped, at least. He'd thrown his clothes away. He wanted to burn them, but that would have drawn too much attention.

It wasn't hard to determine that he'd been injured. For a brief second he considered going to the hospital, but that would require explaining what had happened, would require letting other people touch him down there, and he couldn't have that.

No one would know. No one could ever know.

He'd cleaned himself thirty times, but he still felt so dirty, even as he'd scrubbed parts of himself so throughly that the skin was red and raw. There weren't any marks on his face, at least. A few on his torso that would be difficult to explain at swim practice—

No, he couldn't go to swim practice any more. He couldn't undress in front of others any more. The simple act of taking off his clothes to take this shower had been a difficult effort. The very state of being naked had been tainted somehow.

He didn't sleep at all that night, just laid awake staring at the ceiling and trembling slightly. If he stayed home, his parents would ask questions. If he went to school, Sousuke would ask, and he would have to see Sheila.

He could avoid her if he tried. They didn't have any classes together, and he doubted she wanted to see him anymore. Sousuke... Rin had gotten used to lying to him.

Morning came, and he avoided the shower. He changed clothes slowly, shakily, settling on a long-sleeved shirt with a high-cut neck and a thick hoodie. It was a bit warm to be wearing such things, but he needed to.

Rin avoided Sheila in the hallways. She looked in his direction only once, and he felt her eyes like they were daggers. She didn't follow him or try to speak to him, but she did send a text message to his phone.

Sorry about yesterday, are you still upset? I didn't think it would be that big of a deal

Rin laughed dryly and ignored the message.

Sousuke was harder to ignore. The boy was large, and could easily block his escape whenever he wanted to. He was too sharp for his own good. He asked about the hoodie, and about Sheila. Rin dodged both questions and managed to sneak away under his outstretched arms.

He didn't go to swim practice. This had been a normal event not long ago, but this time he got a call from the coach, and he hastily told him in a muffled whisper that he wouldn't be going at all anymore, that the team would have to find someone to replace him. He'd hung up without giving any explanation.

His parents tried to talk to him when he got home, and he was mostly silent. He lied, said he was stressed about midterms coming up and was too worried to eat. He really couldn't eat. He was only lying about the reason. He laid in his bed and did nothing.

He felt like nothing.

----------------

It became routine after a short while.

Rin would shower quickly and only when necessary, and he would evade both Sheila and Sousuke in the halls. He barely passed his classes, and he always wore thick clothing. By now the bruises and cuts had mostly healed, and while he still couldn't shake the feeling that he'd been more seriously injured, he couldn't overcome his fear of the doctor, and so he never went.

He would eat his lunch in silence, having returned to his previous lunch table, and Sousuke would eat across from him. Or at least,  he would pretend to do so. He spent the majority of his time studying Rin and looking like he wanted to say something. Sousuke, too, had apparently started missing swim practice. Of course he did— he'd only ever gone for Rin. There was little point if he wasn't there. The coach was devastated at losing not one, but two of his star athletes, and neither boy cared.

It killed him how his parents looked at him, how Lori's eyes were always so full of hurt. He didn't know what to do about that. He'd tried to give her a hug once, and found he couldn't do it. He couldn't will himself to touch someone.

He sat at his desk in the back corner and stared out the window. He didn't care enough about his grades to pay attention. He hardly cared about anything these days.

The bell rang, and a few moments later, his phone buzzed. Once, then again, and again, and again, until the buzzes became so frequent that it was as if it was constantly ringing. Feeling a sudden creeping dread, Rin brought his phone out of his pocket and drew it near his face, afraid, at first, to look at it.

He wished he hadn't looked.

i always knew you were a homo but I didn't think you were THAT queer

what kind of fag asks his girlfriend to strap-fuck him?

The messages came pouring in, each worse than the last, most from numbers he did not recognize. Each one was taunting, demeaning, full of slurs and other names. Each one of them knew. Sure, they apparently knew Sheila's twisted version of things, but was that any better?

There was only one explanation. Sheila had told, and then she had given out his phone number.

you must be a fag to turn down a girl like that

if you don't want her I'll take her, you pussy

As his mind raced, Rin tried to think of a way out. He couldn't change his phone number. He didn't control his own phone plan. He would have to ask his parents to change his phone number for him. They would ask why. He would have to tell them why. He would have to tell them what happened, tell anyone what had happened. It wasn't an option. He couldn't tell anyone. He couldn't.

go die, fag. no one wants japs here anyway

why don't you do everyone a favor and kill yourself

The same proposition kept flooding in. Die, die, die, the messages said. He was seeing the word more and more.

As if in a trance, Rin slid his phone back into his pocket and began to trudge up the stairs. The second floor, then the third, then the fourth, and then he was on the last stairwell, heading out to the roof.

It was flat, quiet. The sky was a cheerful blue, terribly unsuited to the occasion. Or maybe it was just right. He didn't know anymore. He didn't care.

At least he wouldn't have to see her in the halls anymore. He wouldn't have to hide his body anymore, hate his body. He wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night to vomit anymore. He looked over the edge of the building. It was so close now. He could see the cars rushing by below.

Nothing would change. A few people would pretend like they had loved him in the few days following, and then everyone would move on. No one would even remember, and maybe it was better that way.

He took a deep breath and a final step forward, and felt the earth begin to move away from him, felt himself begin to topple forward.

He didn't care.

Thud.

...He had expected a thud, but this was one of a different sort, of shoes slapping against concrete and then a body larger than his slamming against him and broad arms being wrapped far too tightly around his midsection. The earth was gone from under his feet, yes, but he wasn't falling, he was lifting up and back, and the arms around him were tight enough to cut off his air and prevent him from protesting. He hit concrete, but not from a long free fall— from being slammed to the ground and pinned down. He dimly registered the weight of another person on top of him, something he immediately disliked.

"Get off of me," he said without thinking as he squeezed his eyes shut. The other person started shaking him, and he felt his head bounced up and down.

"No! What the fuck were you doing?! Are you fucking insane?!"

Rin opened his eyes when he recognized the voice. He probably should have guessed already. He didn't know of anyone else that tall or that heavy.

"...Sousuke...?"

"Of course it's me, ya goddamned idiot! Tracy said she saw you look at your phone and freak out and then start fuckin' trudging sadly up the stairs! I ran!"

Rin blinked at him. Had Sousuke really guessed from something that vague? Had Rin been that obvious about his depression? He suddenly felt like he no longer knew where he was or what he was doing. Sousuke glared. Rin had never seen his face that red with anger. Then his expression changed to something else, something Rin did not recognize, and he covered his face with his hands.

"Don't... you dare. Don't ever!!"

And then there was a strange choking hiccup sound, one that Rin had never heard Sousuke make, not once, even when they were small children. It was a sob. There was another one, and then another, and then Sousuke more or less fell to bury his face in the concrete. Rin was still pinned beneath him, and could only stare wide-eyed at the sky.

He'd made Sousuke cry. Now he knew the sky was too bright for the occasion.

"Fuck!" Sousuke swore, apparently at himself, as he pounded a fist on the pavement. Rin tried to look at him, but his face was hidden. His shoulders were shaking. Rin lifted a hand to touch him, and Sousuke winced away from the contact.

"Do you ever cry?" Rin asked. He wasn't sure why he'd chosen that particular question. Sousuke lifted his head just enough to glare out of the corner of his eye.

"I would prefer not to," he hissed. The tearful tremble in his voice made it far less threatening.

There was near-silence for a minute or so, minutes in which Sousuke slid off of Rin and more or less curled up on his side. Rin didn't sit up, but did prop himself up with his arms somewhat. The only things he could hear were the distant sound of cars and Sousuke's quiet sobs.

"Sousuke? ...I'm sorry," Rin said. He meant it. His tone had come out somewhat more condescendingly than he had meant it to, like he was talking to a child. He'd only been trying to be reassuring.

Sousuke shot up to sit on his knees and cross his arms. Rin tried his best to sit, but found himself fumbling with his movements under the force of Sousuke's glare. There were still tears in the corners of his eyes and streaking his face, and Rin found himself somewhat mesmerized by that. He'd never seen that before, not on him.

"Why?" he demanded in a trembling voice. He was getting angry again, and Rin flinched. "Why would you try'n leave me behind?"

Rin cocked his head. He hadn't thought it would be such a big deal. He'd started to think of himself as a burden to Sousuke.

"...You have other friends—"

"You're more than that to me! You're like my fucking brother, do you seriously not understand that?!"

Rin felt his face redden at that. Sousuke's glare didn't soften.

"...I'm sorry," he repeated, and Sousuke scoffed and jerked in reflexive annoyance.

"Don't just sit there and fucking apologize, answer the question! Why?! W... Was it something I di—"

"No! You didn't do anything!" Rin cried. There was a painful twist in a chest. He couldn't comprehend how Sousuke could think, even for a single second, that this was his fault.

Sousuke looked genuinely hurt, now, and his expression finally softened somewhat to reflect something like guilt.

"Then why?" He whispered. His eyes flickered briefly to the edge of the roof.

Rin gulped. He curled into into himself to bury his face in his knees.

"S-She... She raped me."

He didn't specify who. Sousuke could figure that much out. He didn't specify how, or when— it wasn't important.

Sousuke didn't say anything. There was a painful moment of complete silence, and then before he knew it, Rin started sobbing.

He felt himself gently, very gently, being pulled into a hug.

----------------

"...Sousuke and I decided to complete our diplomas from home. And once we'd graduated, we moved into our first apartment together. He took good care of me. Until I could take care of myself again. It took a lot of counseling and some experimentation with different medications, but I got back on my feet eventually.

"We tried filing charges after a little over a year. It, uh... It never went anywhere. It's more or less why I joined the force. I didn't like the way they handled it at all. They basically laughed me out the door. I wanted to change that culture, somehow.

"It took me a long time to get to where I am now. I still stumble every now and then, like what you just saw. So I want... I wanna help people, whenever and however I can. I don't want anyone else to think they have to go it alone, y'know?

"...Oh! I'm sorry, Haruka. I-I didn't mean to make you cry."

Haru felt his eyes snap open, and he pulled away from Rin somewhat. Rin smiled at him. He wasn't sure how he could manage something like that right now.

"You don't have to be so embarrassed. It's a pretty depressing story, and, well... I appreciate it. Really. It's nice to know you care that much."

"Why are you so calm?!" Haru demanded, refusing to acknowledge Rin's statement. Rin's eyes widened, like he hadn't really noticed it himself.

"O-oh. Uh..." He trailed off, and looked out at the moon for a moment as if it held the answer. After a moment he smiled again, somewhat sadly this time. "Actually, talking it all out like that helped me, I think. I've never sat down and told the whole story like that to anyone but therapists and Sousuke and my parents, more recently. And even with my parents I didn't go into too much detail... Didn't want to spring too much on them at once. I plan on easing them into it."

Haru took a minute to wipe his eyes and pretend like he was clearing his throat. He heard Rin snicker under his breath.

"S-so. You realized it's... not as hard to talk about as you thought it would be?"

"Yeah, something like that. It's a kind of closure, I think. Besides, I don't have anything to be ashamed of. It's not like I'm the one who intentionally hurt a person like that."

Haru hummed as he nodded. It made sense, he supposed. Rin had choked up a few times while telling his story, but it seemed that once he'd gotten into the flow of it, it came almost naturally. He was quite a storyteller.

"...Anyway... Thanks for listening. I'll be able to tell Sousuke I'm okay in the morning. ...Well, it technically is morning, but you get what I mean." Rin grinned at Haru. Haru still didn't quite understand why he was smiling like that, smiling so widely and with such genuine happiness. Rin seemed to read the question in his eyes.

"...You seem happy," Haru said, and Rin nodded.

"You wanna know something weird? Talking about it like this... It actually made me realize just how far we've come, Sousuke and I. In a strange way, I feel better."

...That was true. Rin had had to describe what it was like to hide from everyone, to want the pain to stop so badly that he actually tried to jump from a roof. At one point in his life he'd been completely crippled by depression and by fear. To be here, to be standing upright on his own strength and fighting for a worthy cause, was a remarkable feat.

But then again, Rin was awfully stubborn.

Haruka sighed, and then he pressed up against Rin's back and wrapped his arms around him in front. Rin flinched for a second, and then he relaxed and patted Haru's hand appreciatively.

Rin didn't know how long they stayed like that— by the time he moved, the sun was rising in the sky— and he didn't care. And though he was exhausted when he got home, he was able to smile at Sousuke with a renewed sense of purpose.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES
If anyone was disturbed by this chapter, I apologize. I know these are sensitive topics and tried to handle them respectfully. I included the warning in case some of you don't want to risk being triggered. I know that if you're having a rough time avoiding dark thoughts, it can really suck to get them from unexpected places.
I have some kind of thing for giving characters I adore TRAGIC backstories. But I write the kinds of stories that resonate with me. Themes of bigotry and abuse appear in a great deal of what I write, and there are reasons for that. On the other hand, I always redeem my tortured characters, so don't fear for Rin!
And if anyone still feels super bad for him, remember that he's made enormous leaps towards healing, but that it never goes away entirely, so he may always have bad nights— it doesn't mean he isn't happy. Rin decided to use what he went through to help others, and that's all we can ask for.
(Also aggressive high school Sousuke is the inner me in some ways, mostly his unbridled rage at people's dumb comments about race and class and such. Wish I had your gumption, Sousuke.)