Trigger Warning:
The following chapter deals with anxiety
and depression, night terrors, homophobia,
parental abandonment, and attempted suicide.

In the weeks that followed his promotion, Rin felt conflicting things.

One the one hand, he was happy to be helping others from similar backgrounds as him. He felt he was in, perhaps, a better place than he'd ever been.

At the same time, he felt an underlying anxiety. He had expected it, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was self-sabotage on his part. He wondered if he'd been stuck in one place for so long that he had become accustomed to it— wondered if he was subconsciously looking for an excuse to retreat.

Most of all, Rin wondered if he had taken on too much at once. As happy as he was to have made so much progress so quickly, he hadn't taken the proper time to consider the other side effects of the added stress, or of being forced to recall so much of what he regularly tried to forget.

Normally he could handle everything, albeit with Sousuke's help and his Captain's understanding. In the past few months, Haruka had also become an important source of strength and support for him. He didn't feel he was lacking for anything, but nonetheless, he could feel his side effects returning. He knew by now not to blame himself or over-evaluate his current position in life. He knew to accept it as it came.

It always started as a faint buzzing.

It was a dull sensation in the back of his head that Rin could ignore at first. He always seemed to notice it in the middle of conversations, and so he rarely took any action at that stage.

After that, it was like a nagging feeling of dread. The idea that something bad would happen to someone he cared about, or that he'd forgotten something important. He would zone out at work, wondering if he had left the stove on, or he would become overly clingy, constantly calling Sousuke to make sure he was okay. At that point Sousuke would notice it too, and would give Rin his space, only talking to him every once in a while to ask if he needed something— a request Rin usually denied.

Rin could feel one of his bad nights coming on from a mile away, and he wasn't sure if it was convenient or if it only prolonged things.

He couldn't sense just how bad it would be. Sometimes, he simply laid awake, worrying about little things until he fell asleep, and would feel much better when he woke. Other times it was so bad he'd barely been able to convince Sousuke that he didn't need to call for an ambulance.

Rin put his phone down, having already texted Sousuke about whether or not the stove was on or the door was unlocked several times. Sousuke, too, would realize it soon.

He thought about going home that night, but decided against it. Sousuke had enough on his plate right now, and he had dealt with this often enough that he deserved a break at least this once. Sousuke's response was understanding when Rin texted him that he wouldn't be returning to the apartment that night. Now it was only a matter of deciding where to stay.

Just as he was pondering the subject, his phone rang. He instinctively answered it the moment he heard it.

"I saw a dog," the voice informed him in a serious, matter-of-fact tone. Rin broke into a grin.

"You did? What kind was it?" Rin heard papers shuffling, and knew Haru must have had his book open in front of him. He could imagine his focused eyes as he scanned the pages for the dog he saw.

"He was a Corgi," Haru said proudly, tapping the page where he'd found the photograph. Rin gasped loudly and intentionally.

"A Corgi! I don't see too many of those around here!" He felt his worries melting away. Haru's simplicity was endearing and just what he had needed.

"He had short little legs, Rin. The tiniest legs, you should have seen them."

"I'm sure."

There was a moment of silence, and Rin heard the book's pages fluttering. He thought for a moment, and then decided it was as good of an idea as anything else he'd come up with.

"Haru, can I ask you something?" The fluttering pages stopped.

"Of course."

"Do you... Would you like to spend the night with me tonight, like we used to? Sousuke is going to be busy all night, and you know I won't get any sleep with how I worry."

There was a pause.

"...I'd like that," Haru finally said, and Rin released his breath.

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Haru looked closely at the sleeping redhead's peaceful face. Like this, he looked innocent— almost defenseless. Something about it was soothing, and Haru took a deep breath, leaning against a stalagmite. Rin's soft, slow breaths were rhythmic. Haru felt his eyelids droop. He could easily fall asleep like this.

The evening had been full of fun, friendly conversation, and they had watched a couple of movies on Rin's new phone projector.

Rin had excitedly shown him Jaws and Sharknado, the latter of which had been a source of a great deal of shared laughter. Rin had said that he very badly wanted Haru to see a couple of other films, but that he felt they were more appropriate for a better screen. Haru had asked if he thought so little of these films and the others they'd watched that he didn't care about the viewing experience, and Rin had gotten downright flustered in his denial, insisting that he felt the need to show the shark-themed movies to Haru after their meeting with the shark clan. Rin had promised that one day he'd show Haru his favorite Disney movie, and Haru had pretended to understand what he meant by his wicked smile.

Haru had tried to keep the conversation going after their movies had finished, but he could easily see how tired Rin was, and eventually let him fall asleep.

Just as he began to drift off, Haru heard Rin's breathing change in pace. He tried to think nothing of it, but as the breathing next to him quickened and quickened, he became curious. He rolled over to look once again at Rin.

And he froze.

Rin's peaceful face had changed into an expression of pain, and sweat beaded his brow. He breathed rapidly and hoarsely through his open mouth, his chest rising and falling at an alarming rate. Haru lifted a hand, wondering if he should wake him.

As he thought it over, Rin began making strange sounds. At first they were low, barely noticeable groans, but as rapidly as his breathing had changed, the groans grew to a pained whine. Before he knew it, Rin was practically screaming. Unable to wait any longer, Haru grabbed hold of him and shook.

"Rin? Rin!" Haru called his name repeatedly. Rin woke abruptly, still shouting, only now he seemed confused and frightened by Haru.

"Rin— It's me! It's Haru! You're okay!"

Rin stopped struggling and looked around, dazed and in a fog. His eyes settled on Haru, and his eyebrows raised. He lifted a hand and lightly pressed it to Haru's forehead.

"Haruka... What's wrong?" He slurred. Haru scoffed.

"What's wrong with me? You're the one who—"

"Your face is all sweaty. You look scared," Rin interrupted. Haru blinked, then took a moment to collect his thoughts, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"You're one to talk," he said as he grabbed Rin's jacket and reached forward to dab his face with it. "You were... You were asleep, and then you started breathing fast, and then you were shaking, and you started screaming— What happened?"

Haru lowered the jacket to find that Rin's expression had changed to one that he couldn't identify. His eyes flashed with sadness, and he patted Haru's head, ruffling his smooth hair.

"I'm sorry, Haru. Did I scare you?"

The concern in his voice, still slightly slurred, both tugged at Haru's heartstrings and frustrated him. What are you worrying about me for, idiot? He thought as he pulled the arm away.

"Of course I was scared! It was like you were dying or something!" Haru shouted, his eyes watering. He quickly wiped the liquid away.

Rin stared blankly at the sky, refusing to meet the other man's gaze. There was a long silence, and then Rin sat up, stretching out one leg and bending the other to rest his arm upon his knee. With his other hand he brushed his hair from his face, sighing heavily.

"That... hasn't happened in a while. I was hoping you wouldn't have to see it, that maybe spending time with you would calm me down enough that it wouldn't happen, but Sousuke's dealt with it enough times already." Rin's voice was difficult to hear. "Look, I have a lot of bad memories. They don't bother me so much from day to day, but sometimes I have to deal with it all at once. I think taking on the extra work might have pushed me over this time."

Haru's heart twisted. "I was part of what convinced you to take that promotion," he choked, and Rin lazily waved a hand in dismissal.

"No one forced me to do anything, and I don't regret making the decision. I should have been more prepared."

Haru pulled himself closer. His fingertips brushed lightly against Rin's arm.

"...Rin. Please. Why does this happen to you? I want to know," he pleaded. His friend lowered his gaze to the reflection of the moon in the pool, and after a long pause, he nodded.

Haru had told Rin the painful truth about his mother's death. He had said that the only other person who knew was Makoto, and that even he didn't know as much. Rin knew that it wasn't fair to keep things from him.

"Okay," Rin began reluctantly. "Okay, Haru, I'll... I'll tell you." He looked at Haru with a strange fascination, smiled sadly, and returned his gaze to the water. "...It's not like I can keep anything from you anyway."

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Sousuke did nothing but breathe. He kept his eyes closed, consciously thinking about the air entering his lungs. It didn't help, and he ran his hands through his hair. He sighed.

Rin wasn't coming home.

He knew that Rin always felt bad about the night terrors, but hadn't known he felt bad enough to stay away. He looked at the clock— three in the morning.

Rin had demanded that he sleep. He got into bed, knowing it was the best thing he could do. Rin would feel a million times better the next morning if he felt he hadn't disturbed Sousuke.

Sousuke remembered his father all of a sudden. A younger version of him, one that had not yet retired from the force. He remembered him seated at the kitchen table with his coffee and his newspaper.

"That boy is a little different in a few ways," he'd said. "And there are plenty of people who won't like that. If you want to be a good man when you grow up, a real man, make it your duty to protect him. You won't let any of those bad people lay a finger on him, will you, Sousuke?"

Sousuke had promised that he wouldn't let people hurt Rin, but now there were things hurting the redhead that Sousuke couldn't shout down or scare away with his fists. That had always left a queasy feeling in his stomach.

He laid on his back and stared at the ceiling, wishing with all his might for sleep to come.

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A cool breeze whistled through the cove's ocean entrance, rustling the young mens' hair. The water rippled, distorting the reflected image of the full moon on its surface. Rin kept his head down, his gaze fixed on it, as he spoke, well aware of Haru's solemn stare. He picked his words carefully and spoke slowly.

"I was little when I left Japan, just like you. I was put up for adoption when I was eight, and I got picked fast. I arrived in Australia to live with my new parents shortly after I turned nine. But... I had a lot of trouble at first. I didn't really speak much English. That's how Sousuke and I became friends— his parents had taught him basic Japanese, so he was able to help me and translate for me. And Sousuke's parents figured out pretty quickly that I was, uh... different."

Rin glanced at Haru and realized that he hadn't been clear enough in his phrasing.

"That I'm gay," he clarified, and Haru blushed at having not understood.

"...Anyway, I knew even back then. Sousuke and his parents asked me about it. And then they wanted to know what had happened to my birth parents— what had happened in Japan. They could tell I didn't wanna talk about it."

"So... what happened?" Haru asked. He couldn't think of any reason why someone would give Rin up.

"Well, my dad... He passed away when I was six. He was my hero, and one day he just... He was a fisherman. And once, when he went out, he didn't come back. There was this really big storm, and..." Rin's voice trailed off.

"I'm sorry," Haru started, but Rin cut him off with a wave of his hand and a thankful nod.

"When he was little, he wanted to be an Olympic swimmer. But he gave up after middle school, and he always regretted it. I used to tell him that I would do it for him. That I'd win Olympic gold and bring it back for him.

"After my dad died, it was just me, my mom, and my little sister, Gou. Of course we were upset, but I had to be strong for Gou. So we started to bond more until we were practically inseparable. I didn't think there was anything wrong with liking some of the same things she did."

Haru furrowed his brow apprehensively. He feared that he knew where this story was going, but hoped he was wrong.

"Gou... loved having me around to play with because I didn't judge the stuff she liked, and I didn't bully her or act mean like the other boys did. I liked to pick flowers with her, and sometimes we made them into crowns to wear. I would put her hair into braids or pigtails and decorate it with barrettes, and she'd do the same thing to mine," Rin explained, ruffling the thick burgundy hair that fell past his chin. He smiled as he reminisced about his sister and the short time they had together.

"You were a good big brother," Haru said soothingly, rubbing Rin's arm.

"My mother... Didn't like it. She told me to act like a real boy. She said my father would've been ashamed of me if he saw me like that. And it just kept getting worse. She'd say mean things, and then she started pushing me, and then... She beat me once. She beat me bad. Gou saw, and she cried, but I told her it was okay because I had done something bad."

"And you believed that, didn't you?" Haru said accusingly. Rin didn't nod, but then, he didn't really have to. He inhaled shakily.

"Then, one day... Gou said something she didn't mean to. There was this boy in my class that I had a crush on, and she accidentally said something about it to my mom. She tried to take it back— to cover for me— but it didn't work. My mom had already made up her mind."

"...What did she do to you?"

"She went ballistic. First she beat the crap out of me and made Gou watch, and then she called them... The men in the black suits. Never really been sure who they were. My mother yelled at me as I left, and Gou cried and screamed— she tried to pull me back, but no one would let her. They took me away, and I haven't seen either of them since." Rin shrugged almost dismissively. Haru, still taking it all in, shook his head.

"I... I'm so sorry, Rin... I couldn't have imagined it was something like that," the merman said in a quivering voice.

"It's not that. ...Well, I guess that's part of it. It certainly didn't help matters. But it's really just context for—"

"T-That's not what your nightmare was about?" Haru stuttered, and Rin nodded.

"...It was a really long time ago. And it hurt really bad back then— still does, sometimes— but I understand now that it wasn't my fault. Hardly even think about it now."

Rin looked up to find Haru staring at him expectantly. He cleared his throat. He'd only gotten past the easiest part.

"Sousuke... Is protective. I'm sure you've noticed it. I've complained about it. He's like that in general, but with me... It's different. He acts like a parent sometimes. He can be overbearing. You know all this. Well... There's a reason things ended up that way."

He paused. He knew that sooner or later he would have to share this with his friend anyway, but it had been so long since he'd divulged this part of his history that he was having trouble deciding where to start. Haru made a small noise of confirmation to let him know he was still listening.

"Sousuke and I both might have mentioned it in passing, but I've never really explained it— I went through a lot in high school, and it all kind of came to a head during my senior year."

"Sousuke mentioned that you left home to stay with him right after the year ended, and you said he took care of you because you were sick," Haru added. He was trying hard to let Rin know that he had been paying attention— not just to this conversation, but to everything— and Rin couldn't help but feel a little better knowing that.

"I did. And that was because... He had been with me through everything in a different way than my parents had, and he was a bit better equipped to deal with it. Not that they didn't try, or didn't care, just... They adopted me. I felt bad about them having to fix the broken kid they got stuck with, so Sousuke took the burden of keeping an eye on me instead."

Keep an eye on? Why did you need to be watched so closely? Haru wondered.

"...You needed a lot of help?"

"...Yeah. It's like I said before... I didn't really have the will to do anything at my lowest point. He had to make sure that I ate, slept, saw my therapist, left the house, took my medicine... And he had to make sure that I didn't hurt myself."

"...Hurt yourself? Why would you... I don't understand," Haru pleaded, as Rin had paused for too long. Rin chuckled. It seemed he had a habit of laughing nervously at times like this.

"Um. H-he saw me try to hurt myself. Sousuke was there when I..." Rin paused to gulp, and he snuck a quick look at Haru, his eyes hesitant and afraid. He turned his face away before he continued.

"...When I tried to kill myself."

The words hit Haru like a sack of bricks, and he felt his heart sink. He subconsciously tightened his grip on Rin's sleeve. Rin glanced at the shaking hand with an appreciative smile, his muscles tense.

"You..." Haru tried to form a sentence, but couldn't find a proper question amongst all of the things he wanted to know.

It wasn't right. Rin was not the sort of person who should have ever wanted to die. While Haru couldn't help but feel like no one deserved to feel that way, he felt it more strongly about Rin than he ever had anyone else.

Rin was kindhearted, invigorating, inspiring. He was sometimes enigmatic, always intriguing. He was the sort of person that others wrote music about. He was everything that a person should cherish, not anything that should be thrown away. And the fact that Rin had been willing to throw himself away like that was something Haru couldn't even begin to comprehend.

"He grabbed me. I tried to jump from the roof of the school building. He had figured out something was wrong when I went up there, and got there just in time... He stopped me. He saved me. That's why he wanted to be the one to take care of me," Rin continued, not noticing the storm of questions in Haru's eyes.

"B-But why did it happen?!" Haru choked out, his voice louder than he had intended it to be.

"...I, uh, I guess I'd better start that one from the beginning, huh? I'm warning you, though... It's a pretty long story."

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:
A short(ish) cliffhanger chapter, hurray! The next chapter is gonna be long as FUCK, I promise you.
ADVANCE APOLOGIES TO RIN I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THESE THINGS TO THE ONES I LOVE (it's because I'm a fucking sadist, apparently).
Anxiety/Depression is like that, by the way. You can be really happy with where you are and suddenly have a panic attack because it's too much at once. Doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing, just means you need to take a step back for a little while and just breathe.