My gaze is fixed on the lace pattern of the black dress that stops at my knees. The car jolts around as we drive forward on the dirt path of the cemetery, towards the other vehicles, parked on either sides of the grass.

Eric pulls over behind a black SUV, parking. The car is quiet, dead quiet.

"You ready?" Stellan asks suddenly, low. I look over at him for the first time since we got in here and nod, swallowing.

He smiles softly, grabbing my hand. "My brave girl."

I'm comforted by his faith in me but I feel anything but brave. Mechanically, I get out and walk to his side to help him out. He's moving around like he wasn't almost fatally killed a week ago and I know it's taking a toll on him. The skin around his eyes are dark and swollen, his face still lacking the glow he had before.

My heels sink into the grass as we make our way over to the congregation of people, leaving Eric by the vehicle.

Eyes are on us immediately as we walk into the crowds. So many people... I know many of them. However, they're looking at me, at my husband, in suspicion. What happened has been top news, played every hour on the hour- everyone knows what happened. Why Viktor did what he did.

I keep my face hard and emotionless until I see his parents. They're already seated but upon seeing me, Dawn, a little, white-haired woman, gasps, standing. "Iris!"

I smile softly. "Dawn."

Letting go of Stellan's hand in order to return her warm hug, I try to hold myself together, sighing. She squeezes tighter.

"Thank you for coming, honey."

"I couldn't stay away," I whisper, emotionally. I pull back slowly, already reaching to my side. Stellan, as promised, is there. "This is Stellan."

He reaches out to grasp her hand warmly. "I'm very sorry for your loss, ma'am."

Leo stands up next to her, stiffer and takes his hand as well. "Thank you for coming, young man. I'm grateful to see you up and about."

Leo kisses my cheek softly. I've only met the man a few times and never really cared for him, but his gratitude is plain as day on his face. I'm just happy to see they believe I loved him. The watchful eyes around me don't.

"Please, sit up here... with us. You were so close to him," Dawn murmurs, wiping her eyes. I shake my head, smiling apologetically.

"I don't think I'd be comfortable with that. I'm sorry..."

She squeezes my hand tighter and nods. "I know it's last minute but I didn't know if you would say something about him. No one was as close to him as you."

What? "What about Olivia? She was close with him? Or Tim?"

"Olivia said she'd be too emotional to get up in front of everyone."

"I don't think I can either. After what's happened... I don't think it would be proper."

"It's for him. It doesn't have to be proper."

I close my eyes as Stellan settles his hand on my back. "It's hard for her to even be here right now. Many people here don't realize what really happened... she'd be subjecting herself to ridicule."

Dawn nods then, sniffling. "I understand. Well... you'll be at the wake though?"

I nod. "Yes."

She smiles sadly as the preacher walks up to the coffin. I go white, seeing it for the first time. I was so nervous to see his parents, I didn't even see it.

"Baby... We need to go. They're about to start," Stellan murmurs gently, grabbing my arm. Turning, feeling sick, I nod, taking Stellan's hand. We make it to the back and Olivia gestures us over with a small wave and a smile, along with many of my employees. I see their looks of pity- they're probably the only people here that saw Viktor everyday, attached to my side.

Stellan grimaces as I help him down to sit. "Are you hurting?" I whisper, worriedly. He presses his lips together and shakes his head with a small, reassuring smile.

"I'm fine. Sit."

I take a seat by him, the preacher already addressing everyone seated. As he goes on about the loss of such a young person, a young man who had the world ahead of him and has been taken too soon, I feel myself unable to tear my eyes from the coffin.

He's in there. My best friend.

As the service begins, I cross my hands over each other, feeling the tears skid down my cheeks silently.

Such a gloomy day... Why is it in movies and books I've read funerals are always happening on rainy days? I wonder what it would be like to have the sun shining gloriously on such a dark, depressing moment. What would that feel like?

There are yellow roses mounted on top of the black, sleek coffin. Bright, yellow, beautiful roses. Stellan's hand rests over my shaking ones softly.

"... We cannot judge why Viktor Marcell left the world the way he did and by the beautiful, loving life he did live, he was loved by many. He will be remembered by many... I believe now, we have a close friend who will say a few words about Viktor."

At his calculatedly warm words, I look up in shock, feeling Stellan's hand tighten excruciatingly on mine. Everyone there looks around and then into my eyes, oh so expecting. Obviously, she expected it to be me because no one else is getting up. Dawn looks back and shakes her head at me and then stands to speak with the preacher.

"Iris, no," Stellan whispers, with emphasis.

But her swollen, tear-filled eyes make me stand up in a rush.

"I'll go," Olivia whispers to me, shaking her head. "You don't have to do this."

Stellan stares at me, in complete shock as I let go of his hand to walk around the crowd, swallowing nervously. The preacher moves to the side and I take his spot, staring at the ground. I could touch the coffin... I could touch him.

So I do. I rest my hand over the wood and smile softly, somehow able to feel his presence. I don't know how. Still looking at the coffin, I find the words to say.

"I've- had the best and worst year of my life. I met my husband. I'm pregnant... But I've had a lot of hardship as well. Hardship that tore me from many people, including my best friend... However, even away from him- from Viktor, I never stopped loving him... How could I?"

I feel an exquisite pain, much like someone's got a strong chokehold wrapped around my heart, refusing to let go. "How could I? He could make a single person smile with just a touch or wink, he was the reason my life had always been fruitful of laughter. He could solve an argument with a word... I don't know how he would do it, still to this day. We could be in a all out fight and the next minute, laughing until we were crying."

My voice is an octave higher than usual. "And his job. I've never known anyone, certainty not me, who could- handle the workload I laid on him. Most of my employees are sitting right back there and for good reason- he was loved and respected by many there."

I glance over from the ground to Viktor's mother and father- finding both crying silently. At my look, she nods, smiling softly. I clear my throat and shake my head as speech becomes harder and harder to produce.

I'm saying goodbye, Viktor. I'm saying goodbye.

"I don't know why he thought he was alone," I whisper, unable to stop my mouth from trembling. "I don't know why this happened to him. To such a beautiful person... I'll never understand it. It's-It's hard to think that the memories I've had with him are the only ones I'll ever get but I have to admit, they were pretty damn good ones... so if anything, I should be grateful. Grateful to have known someone who brought me out of the darkest of places and into the light... I wish I could have done that for him."

I smile tearfully and lose my bearings for a moment. Biting my lip viciously, I close my eyes, sucking in a breath as I lay my hand on his coffin for the last time. "I love you, Viktor. I always will. And it does hurt... It does."

I don't wait for a glance from the preacher or for his parents to smile, telling me it's okay to walk away. I don't wait for anything. I hurry back to my place in the back, head down toward the ground as the preacher begins to speak again, praying.

Stellan's already up when I get there. I can't meet his eyes- I know I wouldn't be able to control myself further. I take a seat beside him, dazed by my adrenaline and the sheer shock of it all. I don't come back when Stellan presses his lips to my shoulder. I don't come back even when the preacher ends the ceremony and everyone begins to file forward with their roses.

I sit and stare at the ground, unable to move. And neither does Stellan.

...

"Baby, we... we need to go. They're about to lower the casket, everyone's gone to the wake."

I look up from the freshly cut grass, shaking my head obliviously. "What?"

He's right. Everyone is gone. Eric is still standing by the car- the only car left in the lot. Glancing around frantically, I find the men with shovels standing together a couple feet away from the area, waiting for us to leave.

I hear a sound escape my throat, a choke of a kind and I just completely lose it. I wail into my hands, unable to hold it back any longer. "Oh God, Stellan."

His arms come around me tightly and his hands tangle into my hair as he holds me close to his chest. "Iris."

"I don't know what to do. I don't know."

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry... I wish I could ease the pain."

I struggle for breath, shaking my head as I try to compose myself. I try so hard. After an eternity, I lift my face from his chest, looking into his eyes. Eyes that are frightened and struggling.

"I don't know how to forget him. How to let him go."

"He was a really big part of your life. I don't think you will..." He pulls back, wiping the tear tracks on my cheeks. "But, you want to know what I think?"

I nod, closing my eyes as he clasps the back of my neck.

"I think that he is someplace where his pain has eased. Where he's safe. I believe he can see you right now and I believe that he would want you to remember the good instead of the bad. Viktor, even when I first met him, was a really amazing guy and that man I met isn't the same one that left this world this way... You knew him better than anyone. Can you honestly say he'd want you to suffer?"

I shake my head. "No."

"If you truly love someone, you don't want them to feel pain. And I know he loved you, baby. I know he knew you did too."

I nod, wiping my eyes. "I'm trying... I'm trying to think that way. That letter... it just broke my heart. I want to burn it- erase it- make it as though he never wrote it but I can't. He did write it, Stellan and it's the last thing I have from him."

"I would never tell you to burn that. I don't think you should either but I can see you're lying to me." My eyes flicker to his in shock. "You're lying because the guilt is clear as day on your face. It was clear as day in that speech- that beautiful speech. You think it's your fault."

"If this happened to you, if I killed myself and told you it was because you didn't love me enough, what would you feel? You'd feel blame, wouldn't you?"

"We're lovers, Iris."

"He said he loved me like a soul mate. Still- what would you do?"

He nods, looking down. "Yes, I would be inconsolable. I've already told you I can't live without you, Iris... However, you are not sick. You have control over your thoughts- something he may have not had at the end."

I stare into his eyes, pressing my lips together, wishing I could stop the tears. He clasps my neck tighter, running his thumb along my jaw softly and rests his forehead against mine.

"I wish I could make this disappear, Iris. I really do."

"Me too," I whisper, tearfully.

"It's killing me to see you like t-this." The crack in his voice indicates he's having a hard time controlling his emotions as well. We've been through a lot in the past week- I don't blame either of us for wishing things to be different.

"We'll get through it."

He nods, pulling back suddenly. I reach up for the first time in this conversation and caress his cheek tenderly. He murmurs softly, "We always do."

"A-and thank you for being so understanding... I know he did hurt you. I haven't forgotten that."

He shakes his head immediately. "I don't even want you to remember that, Iris. I do love you- I never want you to feel pain. And I may not understand what you both had, but I know enough to sympathize. I know loss. I know what it feels like to lose a part of yourself and I'd never ask you to rush the process."

I smile softly, touched by his heart once again. How anyone can love and understand so easily... he truly is an angel in my life. I know that.

"Let's go," I whisper, pressing my lips to his softly.

"Okay," he answers, grabbing the chair in front of him to stand up. I help him onto his feet, humming softly as he wraps an arm around my shoulder, pressing his lips to my hair, feeling the weight of the intimate moment we just had.

Reaching up to clasp his hand, I can't help but keep my eyes on the men waiting, now watching us leave, ready to lower Viktor into the ground. Eric opens the door for us and we shuffle into the backseat together.

I stare out the window Stellan is by, watching as they lower the casket into the ground until I can't see it anymore. There aren't tears left. I just stare.

"Come here," Stellan says, reaching his arm out. Needing as much love as he can give me, I scoot closer to him and press my cheek to his chest while Eric sets the car into motion.

I stare out the window as Stellan rests his chin on my head, sighing softly. I watch the plot disappear from sight within seconds and I clutch onto my life support tighter.

Vik, goodbye.