"Iris... baby."

I open my eyes slowly, waking to Stellan's soft, persistent voice. Lifting my head from the pillow, I suck in a breath, looking him up and down.

"What? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he murmurs assuringly, taking my outstretched hand. "It's almost noon. I wanted to let you know I'm going to speak with Cameron."

I sit up immediately, nodding. "Has he said anything about the official sentencing?"

"Yeah, he said it's been set for about three weeks from now. He will be held- without bail in prison- until then."

"And Constantine? Marcus?"

"Marcus is being held without bail as well. I have not heard about Constantine yet. Looks like three years, since she confessed, bringing in the others as well."

The thought makes me sick. Three years. She should never get out.

"Are you... going to go to the trial? Do we have to be there?"

"While it's not needed, I will be there. I would prefer you did not go."

I stand, shaking my head in shock. "But... why?"

He smiles softly, caressing my cheek but doesn't answer the question. "Please."

What? I look down and nod reluctantly, pressing my mouth together.

"Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah."

He smiles, shaking his head and lowers his mouth onto mine gently. I pull back and sigh.

"I'll walk you out... You sure you don't want me to go? I could tell him to come here so you don't have to walk?"

"I will be fine. I won't be long." He stops by the kitchen, looking at it for a moment before he turns to look at me. "There's something else."

"What?"

"Viktor's parents called this morning. I spoke to them."

I frown slightly, having expected they'd call to yell at me, hoping that Stellan didn't have to endure it. "What did they say?"

"They called to ask if you would go to the funeral. It's tomorrow."

"Wait... go to the funeral, me?"

"They apologized- for what happened at the country club. What he did, his involvement... I told them the truth, that he, in his own way, was trying to help you. At least, they can be left with the thought that their son wasn't helping a murderer."

I smile, touching him softly, thanking him without words. "I've only met them a few times. Viktor wasn't really close to them. They were pretty hard on him as a kid."

"They only had good wishes to send to you."

"That was kind of them to call."

He nods, glancing around awkwardly. "Are you going- to go?"

"I don't think I should..." Grabbing the edge of the chair, I shrug. "After what's happened- what he left, I think it would be wrong to go."

"He was sick. He knew you loved him."

"Just not enough."

"The love he had for you, Iris, was not normal. He was sick. There was nothing you could do." He grasps my face, shaking his head. "Please tell me you grasp that."

"I do."

"You were his- an obsession. Even if you had tried to get him help, he would of digressed because you would of been around him."

"I keep thinking about times with him- we were so connected... I can't even imagine what mind frame he had to be in to take-" I can't finish the sentence.

His hand drops from my face and grasps the chair beside mine. I shake my head, knowing that standing in long periods of time hurts him after a while. I force a smile.

"I'll think about it... You should get going."

He smirks. "Trying to rush me out?"

"So you can get back sooner? Yeah."

...

"So, when are you going back?"

"I bought a plane ticket. Tomorrow."

"I thought you guys drove down?"

Dari nods, sinking into my sofa. "We did. But mom wanted to leave right away so I said that I would get a flight back."

Moving around my salad consisting of grapes, strawberries and honeydew, I nod, glancing up at her. "Are they very mad?"

"David is more disappointed than anything. Mom is mad. I understand why you did what you did though."

"You do?"

She nods, setting down her fork. "Yes... you never knew her. I really don't even know what it was like growing up for you but I'm sure you were angry and sad. Then for her to find you so many years later, I can see why you would be hesitant to let her in."

"I don't think she is a bad woman, Dari. I'm sure she was a wonderful mother to you."

"She was."

"But, to me, she is a stranger. I will give her the same treatment I would give someone on the street. If you are kind to me, if you are kind to the people I love, then I will try. But Vivienne is not that kind of person. She wants too much too soon."

"I know."

"And she has treated Stellan abominably and I don't need anyone in my life like that."

"You don't think there could come a time where maybe-?"

"No... I'm sorry, Dari." I can see she wasn't expecting that and I feel guilty, knowing she wants a family- a normal sister. Unfortunately, I can't give that to her.

She smiles softly, suddenly. "Oh, I meant to ask when your due date is?"

"October 29th."

"Right before Halloween."

"Yeah. I thought that too when I found out."

"Is she very big now? You're definitely getting up there in size." She rests a hand on my stomach and for some reason, I'm visibly surprised by it. She doesn't notice though, chuckling as she pulls her hand back. "Have you felt the baby move yet?"

"... Yeah, a few times. Sometimes it's easy to tell and sometimes not. Stellan hasn't felt her yet though."

"Sophie. I love that. Sophie Reid."

"I can't even imagine what it will be like to have her."

"To give birth?"

I laugh, touching my belly tenderly. "Well, I can't imagine what that will be like but no, I mean, having her. Seeing her in my hands, raising her. She's going to depend on me."

"Motherhood sounds terrifying."

"I don't really feel scared. I feel excited- nervous would be a better word. All I know is I can't wait to meet her."

She smiles warmly and nods, resting her hand over mine on my extended stomach. "Me too."

...

"Mrs. Marcell, hi. It's Iris," I murmur softly into the phone, standing on the terrace, looking out at the garden that's looking rather shabby nowadays.

Her voice, while tired, is warm. "Iris, honey. Hello."

I clutch the phone tightly, preparing myself. "I'm very sorry... for your loss. I wish I could have seen he was sick sooner."

"I feel the same way. I-I know Vik and I had our differences but he knew we loved him. I don't know why he'd- the officer told us what they found in his apartment."

I close my eyes, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I don't really know what to think about that... He never acted strange around me. He was always fun, never really overbearing."

"He was gay, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he was. This was something different..."

"God, my poor son. I called earlier... Spoke to your husband."

"Yeah, he told me."

"He's a beautiful person. We were grateful for what he said to us. Calmed Leo a great deal."

"I'm glad."

"I hope we get to meet him tomorrow... Please tell me you're coming."

I press my lips together, feeling a tightness in my throat. "I don't think I can, Dawn."

"Why?"

"Because- I don't know how I'd face everyone there. See the blame on their faces."

"Blame? Blame? Honey, the blame is on my son. He took his life, he did that rather than try to get help. We know you loved him and I'm sure he knows that now too. He'd want you there."

I don't think so. He surely wouldn't want Stellan there. "He left me a letter, Dawn."

"When?"

"It was a- suicide letter."

She sounds frantic immediately. "What? What did it say? Was it only to you?"

"Yes."

"What did he say?"

I squint into the light, biting the inner corner of my lip. "He- blamed me for it. For his suffering because I had fallen in love with Stellan."

"Oh, honey..." She lets out a large breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No one deserves- he shouldn't have said that."

"Now, you can see why it would be hard for me- to go?"

"Yes, I do. I understand."

I nod, rolling my eyes to shun the water away. "Thank you."

"Don't ever believe those words. His brain was not right in that moment and I'm sure if he was in sound mind, he would have wished you well."

"Thank you, Dawn."

"Well, I really do want to see you. We haven't seen each other in a long time and I'm sad for it. I know you were Viktor's closest friend. I'd love to hear some good things about him."

I doubt it will ever happen but I nod. "Absolutely. We must set something up soon."

"Thank you for calling, Iris. I wish you well on your marriage."

"Thank you. Please, say hi to Leo for me."

"I will."

Hesitant, I utter, "Goodbye," and hang up, releasing the breath I'd been holding since she picked up.

...

"You are perfect," Viktor states, dropping 9x10 photographs from the California swimsuit shoot a week ago. Smiling wide, I grab them and lean back in my office chair. He sits on the edge of my desk, laying his clipboard flat on his thighs. "Look at the third one."

I'm in the water, about to be caught by a wave. I remember the moment and laugh. "The wave knocked me flat on my ass."

"Hey, at least you can't see it here. Look, your eyes- they're serene. You look so calm and sensual."

I look through the others, sighing. "It looks like that's the only one that captured it."

"Nonsense. All of them are perfect."

"You're too good to me," I answer, setting them down on the desk.

"You're too hard on yourself. You need someone to knock some sense into you sometimes."

"Which you do, regularly."

"You love me for it," he replies, looking through the pages in his clipboard. I smile and nod.

"Sure do."

"I'm not going to lie to you, I'm not really looking forward to Marcus's dinner tonight."

"Why? He can cook, I swear."

"You've known him a week. How would you know that?"

"He cooked for me on our first date."

"Damn. Pulling out the big steps."

"He... definitely tried that."

Laughing suddenly, his eyes widen. "Iris Tremaine, did you give in on the first date?"

"No, I slapped his hand away like a smart woman."

"Did you really?"

"No."

He shakes his head, amusedly. "How was he?"

"Pretty terrible."

"Then why in hell am I being forced to endure this dinner? Dump his ass."

"No! Sex isn't the most important thing ever, you know?"

"No, I don't know."

"Well, it isn't. He's seems like a nice guy and he's got his shit together. He could get better in time."

"I swear, the day you find someone who will rock your world, you'll change your mind. You'll lock yourself in a room and I won't hear from you for days."

"Well, that would never happen. Anyways, men just don't focus on pleasuring a woman. It's all about them."

"Not all men, baby. I've had it pretty good lately."

"Well, lucky you. Maybe it's different between men."

"Maybe... Well, I guess I have to go then. Save you from this boring lawyer."

"He is not boring!"

Viktor stands up, rolling his eyes. "We'll see about that."

I growl in amused frustration and turn back to my computer. "Not everyone can be as perfect as you, Vik."

He grins wide at the doorway. "I know."

I come back to reality slowly, staring out the window of my bedroom. Feeling a small blow to my chest at the memory, I run my hand through my hair at a glacier pace, closing my eyes.

They keep coming, at random points of the day, like a dream I can't get out of.

It's hard to know he's not here anymore. The memories I have with him are all I have now. There will never be more.

I think of Dawn and Leo, people who always had a problem with Viktor's sexuality. People who realized they were wrong and tried to reconnect with him. He pushed them away... They never got to really know their son.

Whereas, for me, I have so many wonderful memories, so many wonderful moments with him.

It would be nice to be able to be near him again, even if it's at his funeral. I could say goodbye. I could say I'm sorry.

But I'm scared. I'm so scared.

I should be able to share those memories with them- with the people who are coming to mourn him. I should be able to mourn him.

He pushed me away. He left me. I tried- I tried so hard to get him back. How was I supposed to know he was sick? He didn't seem like it then! I had no idea. But I loved him. I helped him as much as I could... and I should be able to say goodbye.

Turning, I walk through the dark bedroom, wrapping my robe tighter. I find Stellan in the kitchen, typing on the computer, papers piled beside him. Hearing me come in, he turns, smiling.

"I thought you were asleep."

I come up next to him, resting my hand on his shoulder. "I tried... What are you doing?"

"Emailing Carlos about the alarm system in the office."

I nod, running my hand through his hair as he continues to type. He types so fast. My lips turn up suddenly. "Have you been nervous?"

He glances up at me, looking quizzical and back down to where I'm looking. He laughs when he holds out his hand, his nails bitten low. "Ha, yeah, I guess so. You still remember that?"

"Of course." I lean down behind him, wrapping my arms comfortably around his shoulders, kissing his cheek. "It was one of our first nights together."

"Yeah, it was."

"I had no idea what you'd be to me," I whisper nostalgically, remembering walking with him through the woods, towards the creek. "I was entranced by you- I'd never seen anything as beautiful as you. And you were so unsure to let me in but I was determined."

He reaches up, clasping one of my hands. "I trusted you, even then."

"And then you left... for a year." I rest my cheek against his, closing my eyes. "I've never felt pain like that. I barely knew you but I had fallen in love with you. I never thought I'd see you again so I tried to move on. But then we met again."

"You were glowing. I turned and my heart stopped. I was so happy and so scared that you were there again."

I hum, happily. "I'm so glad you came back here."

As the quiet moments pass, his fingers are soft against my arm, moving up and down comfortingly. 

"What's brought this on, baby?"

I shake my head. "I don't know... I wanted to let you know that I regret nothing. That if I had to do this over again, even with losing Viktor, the trial, riding in that ambulance with you, I would because I can't be in a world where you're not beside me anymore."

He stays quiet, but his hand tightens around my mine. I back up, letting him go and move next to him.

"I think I do... want to go to Viktor's funeral though."

He nods, pushing back the computer. Reaching out carefully, he sets a hand on my waist and pulls me closer between his long legs. "I think it would be good for you to- be able to say goodbye properly."

I nod and rest my hand over his shirt, breathing in deeply. "I... can't do it alone."

"You won't," he vows, shaking his head. "I'll be right beside you."