10 DAYS LATER

_______

June March sat on the edge of Sarah's bed, her eyes glued to the lining on the wall. She had been staring at it for what felt like forever, hardly even gathering a thought as she did it. Sarah had been asleep for awhile now, Junes arm attached to her hand as she gave her comfort even as she was sleeping. June had tried to sleep but couldn't, an aching in her chest keeping her awake. At first she had wondered if she was having a heart attack, but as the pain went on it became more emotionally inflicted than physical.

Sarah's apartment had been her place of residence since they had gotten back from South America now, June not leaving Sarah's side and the Cameron girl appreciating her for it. They spent most of the time together, and it had been days since either of them had seen any of the others. The death of Ward and Big John put a lot of things on hold, but June could feel the time coming where these things would have to be addressed. It was inevitable.

June found it a little hard to breathe for a moment, the girl standing from the side of the bed and dropping Sarah's hand. The room got stuffy sometimes, she just needed some fresh air and she would be fine. Sometimes that feeling in her chest of impending doom became suffocating, and all she needed was some air.

June stepped out of the front door of the apartment, closing it behind her and starting towards the railing in front of her. Sarah was on the second floor, June looking over the parking lot as she sucked in the crisp air. It was getting colder...October was nearing and the warm air was finally pushing out of the Outer Banks. The led lights cast gruesome shadows over the parking lot and she leaned on the railing, that feeling of impending doom not going away. She hated it, it was like a bubble in her chest that kept expanding and taking up more room until it popped but it never popped, it just kept growing.

June thought about Sarah in the room, how hard it was to see her suffer, how debilitating it was to see her try not to see him as anything but a villain. June knew Sarah wanted to make him the bad guy still so that it hurt less, but June didn't exactly agree. Ward was a bad guy, but he loved her. And he even died for her. It was poetic in some ways, other ways it was just a fathers love.

She had struggled with the thought of paying John B a visit,  one Google search informing her that she was suffering from something called survivors guilt. She was also haunted by the fact that pool of blood on Singhs shirt, that had he had reached out to her with and the blood that had streamed his chin. It was most of the reason why she struggled with sleeping.

June had been grappling with what she would do with her cut of the gold, knowing she had no goals or aspirations. It wasn't that she didn't need the money, she was pretty much cut off and kicked out, but it was that she didn't want it. She didn't want to blow it all on something that would mean nothing in the future. She wanted to give it—

"Pope told me I'd find you here." The voice made her jump, June feeling like her heart had exploded in her chest. She held a hand to her chest and looked back, knowing she would recognize that voice anywhere. She rubbed the fright away and then realized that it wasn't her heart that had exploded...it was the bubble.

"So he sold me out?" June said in a somewhat humorous tone, secretly not very happy with Pope now. JJ Maybank took a few steps towards June, leaning against the railing beside her and giving her a half smile.

"Yeah but don't give him crap for it. I almost had to beat it out of him." June didn't want to look at him, a small laugh leaving her lips as she looked out at the parking lot. She felt tense, her shoulders solid and her hands shaky if not for the fact that she was gripping the railing so hard that her knuckles were white. JJs smile fell when he realized she wouldn't look at him, and he knew he had his work cut out for him. "John B told me not to come. I had to wait till he went to sleep before I left."

"How is he? John B?" June felt her chest contract as she felt the dread enter her bloodstream, thinking of the fact that John B was mourning just the same as Sarah. JJ adjusted his hat on his head, shrugging his shoulders and following her eye-line to the cars below.

"He's been better. He's attempting the tough guy act, the one where he doesn't care...he wants to see you. He's mentioned it like 50 times." June swallowed and then nodded, trying to find the courage to look at him. Him just standing here was hurting her, torturing her heart and her mind. She knew what he was here for, and it was torture to know what she had to do. What she told herself she would do. She had  blurred the lines between them again when she had looked to him for comfort as Big John was dying,  and when they had buried him and honored Ward. However the second they got back to the island June had parted ways with him, and this was the first time they had spoken in the week and a half since they had gotten back.

"Well then I'll go visit him. Definitely." They settled into a grossly uncomfortable silence and June silently hoped and prayed he would just leave, she didn't have much to say to him. But the longer they stood there the more she realized he was thinking of what to say, he was trying to get his words together. He was going to try and fix things like this, with a talk in the middle of the night, going to try and excuse away everything that he had done with some bullshit excuse that he's sorry and he loves her and he's stupid and a fuckup and she didn't want to hear it this time. His words from the anniversary party echoed around her brain on a constant loop, reminding her always that she wasn't important, that her feelings weren't valid and no one cared. The pain bubbled in her and she spoke before him, wanting now to get this over with. "What are you doing here JJ?"

The tone in her voice made him feel so terrible and caught, like he wasn't meant to be here, like she didn't want him here. And the truth was that she didn't want him here.

"I wanted...I wanted to talk to you. I need to apologize okay?" June felt her heart drop and she didn't want to hear another one of his apologies, the girl shaking her head as she gripped the railing tighter. He watched her with a questioning look but she made sure it was clear to him that she didn't want to talk.

"I don't want another apology." She said in a whisper, loud enough to break his confidence. Her lip trembled as she nodded again, not wanting to cry as she stared out into the night. "Nothing has changed since the party."

"That's not true. I know I was wrong. I see how I was wrong and I'm sorry and I'm going to change okay? I just...I have to fuck everything up and I can't every do anything right and I'm stupid I know that. I'm stupid." June hated how predictable he had become, a chill going down her spine as she finally looked at him. She had to search for the ability to find the words  and to say them. It was nearly impossible.

"I don't forgive you." The words choked out of her throat and shocked him, JJ feeling a deep internal discomfort and panic. He could see she was going to continue talking, but now it was as if he couldn't look at her either, his eyes dropping to his shoes as he blinked a few times. "I know you're sorry, and I know you mean it. But I cant forgive you."

"Can I ask why?" She scoffed at his question, tears pulling at the back of her eyes as she shook her head at him.

"You said some awful things to me. You hurt me. And when I needed you, you weren't there. And I really needed you." Her voice broke on her words and he didn't even have anything to say back to that, she was right. Still he managed to come up with something.

"How was I supposed to know that you were gonna get kidnapped by Singh?" She could hear the anger in his voice but he still said it calmly, a look of disbelief covering her face. She shook her head and let go of the railing, running hands over her hair and face and managing a laugh.

"How were you supposed to know? How were you—I was telling you to your face." She let out heavy breaths of disbelief that just further secured her decision. "I looked you in the eyes at that party and told you that someone was watching me, and Singh was after me. And you said it was bullshit, and that I didn't matter. And I cant just forget that. And I cant forgive it either. Because not only did you find out that I was missing...you still chose Kie over me."

"She didn't need to be in that place June, she needed to be with us. She couldn't—"

"I needed to be with you!" She felt a tear slip down her cheek and she closed her eyes, collecting herself. "She got sent to a camp where you learn how to function in society and I...I got sent to my death, I got sent to die and you...you still saved her." June didn't want him to speak, because now she had started and she didn't want to stop. This felt cleansing, it felt amazing to look him in the face and tell him how much it hurt  to be near him, how torturous it was to be wronged by him. "And you have held Rafe over my head since you found out and that's fine because he's one of the bad guys but to me... so is she. She is no better than Tyler or Rafe in my book because she actively advocated for Singh to keep me. And as someone who says they love me as much as you do...you would think you wouldn't run off with her. And I don't know what happened at Kitty Hawk but I know that I can't forgive for it and there's nothing you can say at this point to change my mind."

He was at a loss for words, he knew he wanted to be mean, but therein lied the problem.

"If you really think those terrible things about me...if that's the gods honest truth then you deserve better. You deserve to be happy and if happy isn't with me anymore then that's fine. I'll live with it, I'll live with it until it doesn't hurt anymore."

"I don't want to be with anyone else. I made mistakes, but it's not like I can take them back...I can just try and be better."

"So can I. And at this point I'm at my lowest I've ever been. And I really think that the only thing I can do about it is get better. But you're not helping. And it's not your fault but you're not helping. And I don't even want to explain myself to you anymore because this is over. You wanted out and I let you out. And you don't get the chance to come back right now. You hurt me. You hurt me. And I don't—I don't even know if I love you anymore. And I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I can't keep suffering until you decide to get it right." He hardly heard anything past  her confession that she wasn't sure if she even loved him anymore, his body feeling like someone had dropped a house on it. He let out a breath he had been holding and really tried not to cry, really tried not to  let the tears fall from his eyes but  just standing here ripped him apart and yet he couldn't move. His mind centered around her saying she was at her worst, his heart bursting when he remembered what had happened back at El Dorado. When she had tried to sacrifice herself...sometimes he couldn't shake that look in her eyes when she had accepted the consequences of what was happening. That calm look. He believed her when she said she was at her lowest point.

"What do you want me to say?"

"That it didn't happen! I want you to give me some explanation for why you were in Kitty Hawk and I want you to tell me you didn't actually choose her over me and I want you to tell me you still love me and mean it and that you'll get better and stop treating me like shit." She let out an array of harsh breaths and then shook her head, swallowing hard as she continued on. "But you can't say any of that because then you'd just be a liar."

"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry?! I am sorry! All I am is sorry! I sit and all I feel is this fucking drag in my chest because I'm so sorry. What happened at Kitty Hawk was a mistake that I made and I'm sorry. But if sorry isn't enough then I don't knew what else I could do to change that! Cant that be enough?!"

"No, it's not enough. Because the guy I feel for would've never told me how much I didn't matter. He would've never looked me in the eyes and told me he didn't love me. The JJ I fell for would've never cheated on me, and he definitely never would've told me I was a bad person. I don't know who you are anymore...I don't even know who I am anymore either." He saw the brokenness in her eyes, and he knew she was right, she was beyond right. JJ before the island would have never said those things to her because he worshipped her.

"So that's it then? We're done? We're really done?" JJ said in a broken voice, and June soaked the words in like poison on her skin. She looked at him and all she could see was the pain he had caused her, the betrayal he had given to her. And she hated that that was all she could see of him. This drove her to nod her head, a sick feeling in her stomach as she saw the way his face broke. He waited for her to confirm it in words and he  held the tears in with so much strength, not wanting her to see him cry.

"That's it." June couldn't believe the words as they left her mouth, an unthinkable weight lifting off of her shoulders as she said it. She had another thought and  knew she needed to say it to him, she knew she needed to tell him. "And we're not friends."

JJ felt a deeply significant blow at her clarification, realizing that she wouldn't even acknowledge him as her friend. He looked at her and for the first time since they had met he saw a stranger, he didn't know her. And she looked back at him and saw the same. And it was heart wrenching. He took her in, wanting to remember this exact moment forever. Finally after a few moments he nodded, his jaw clenching as he accepted it. He knew there was nothing he could do now...nothing he could do to fix this. It was over. Sometimes things just didn't work out.

"Okay." He said, nodding again and then turning towards the staircase he had come up.  He bit at his lip and searched his brain for  anything...just anything he could say but he couldn't think, and he wasn't going to beg, so he just told her goodbye. "See you around, Carly."

:::

And with that I say goodbye to Paradise. I have loved writing this book. It was so fascinating to see what you can do with a character when you give them an actual personality. Thank you so much for reading!!

I have decided to post a bonus chapter to this book and also I have decided to write another book, going directly into the 18 month time skip and exploring those 18 months. I'm gonna label it as book 3.5, just because it's not officially to season 4 yet.

I Miss You, I'm Sorry....

The book will be published by the time I publish the bonus chapter so I implore you to check it out because JJ and June are NOT DONE YET!!

Again thank you for reading, and I appreciate the comments and votes!!