They say the high leaves you once you exit the stage but I feel it lingering in my veins. The lights dim, stage lights giving way to fresh evening sun. 

Rehearsals are done for the day and what a day it has been. My body is still buzzing from all the nerves from our performance, the impromptu voting that had been sprung upon us and me coming out on top. 

I can tell the girls aren't happy, specifically JinJin, Rachel and Grace but they aren't the ones concerning me right now. 

We exit the building, the sound of peak evening traffic flooding my ears as I run to catch up with my best friend. 

"Hey, wait up!" Is it just me or has she been avoiding me all weekend. I blink a few times noticing that she has picked up her pace.

I came back early Sunday morning to find Binna's bed empty. Once the girls had woken up they told me she had gone back to her house for the weekend, which was a rarity even though Binna stays in the city. 

Plus she didn't send me a single text all weekend, despite fussing over me and Hyeon about our Saturday night plans. Something is wrong and now that practices are over, I can tell it has nothing to do with stage fright. 

I finally catch up to her once we've reached the bus stop, thankful that the bus to our dorms hasn't arrived yet. I half expect her to get up and walk away when I sit down next to her. 

"Hey," I say again, because she's spaced out, looking at the road ahead like the cars passing by are the most interesting things. 

She doesn't even nod, I wonder if she knows I'm sitting next to her. 

I give her a small nudge, soft and cautious and she stirs slightly. "I didn't see or hear from you all weekend. You went back home?" 

Binna blinks a few times, as if my questions are in another language that she has to process first. 

"Yeah, I did," She finally says and my shoulders relax only slightly. Honestly this entire weekend, up to now has been spent in such pure tension. It has me wound up to an extent that I wonder if I will ever be able to relax again.

"You're acting weird," I state the obvious. Binna's always been the solid one between us. I'm usually the worry wart who overthinks and panics. The fact that she's acting like this could only mean that it's bad. 

She's still staring at the road, fixated on a point in front of us that I can't see. I wish I could read her thoughts. We ended today on such a high. I got first place, Binna got into the top five. Aside from the fact that I nearly got killed on Saturday, the two of us should be celebrating right now. 

"Did something happen?" I can't take seeing her like this and now I finally realise what she's been going through with me with the whole Dalia thing, all the secrets and hiding making her worry just like I am right now. 

She runs a hand through her hair and I try to rack my brain for anything that could have caused this. She was fine on stage today, Binna's always been a natural, she barely gets any criticism but then again she was missing over the weekend. 

Did something happen then? Or Friday? 

"You were great today," She finally says but her tone is so resigned it hardly feels like a compliment. 

"You were too. What's up? Where were you all weekend?" I'm not sure if I'm coming on too strong or pushy but the bus chooses to arrive at this exact moment making me curse under my breath. 

Binna's the first to jump up and head to the side doors that slide open immediately. People begin to pile inside and I have to squeeze through to head after her. 

"Wait up," I squeak, earning a glare from a fellow passenger as I push past him to get to the back. The seats are all taken by now and Binna's tucked securely away by the window. I stand by the aisle, staring at her helplessly as she focuses on the road outside. 

When we get back to the dorms I get ready to ask her more questions but she begins packing her bags, setting off alarm bells in my head. 

"Are you moving out?" 

In our four years here, Binna has never once left to her folks place for longer than a weekend. But here she is, piling outfit after outfit. It looks like she's emptying out her entire wardrobe. 

After a few seconds of silence I can't take it anymore. I grab her wrists to stop her, my body shaking with fear. A different kind from the life threatening fear I felt on Saturday night. 

"Are you leaving? Are you quitting Firefly?" The words are so absurd, they feel weird leaving my mouth. 

It's like she finally realises I'm there. She lets go of the woollen socks she'd stuffed into the corner of her suitcase and places her hands over it's edges, leaning over as she looks at me. 

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to quit this close to debut." 

A wave of relief washes over me, my muscles loosening like someone just poured a bucket of ice water over my head. 

The corners of Binna's mouth lifts ever so slightly as she notices my reaction. "I'm just going to stay with my parents for the remainder of the week. Think the nerves have finally gotten to me and I can't take it here anymore." 

I frown slightly. She chose to stay at the trainee dorms from day one because she's always loved the idea of us girls living and struggling together. 'Shared misery is shared strength.' 

Those were her words, which is why I find her reason so hard to believe. And she's never had issues with the other girls, not like mine anyway. It causes an itch in my brain, a niggling feeling that she just lied to me. 

Binna continues with her packing and I sit down by our desk, staring at her hopelessly. 

"Did something happen?" I notice she tenses when I say this but doesn't reply.

I scratch my head, trying to figure out when and how this sudden switch in personality happened. Before I know it, Binna's all packed up. She gives me a brief hug that feels like a permanent goodbye before leaving the dorms. 

I half expected not to see her at rehearsals the next day but she came and performed like normal, leaving before I could dig for more information. And that was how the days went by, but we've all been so preoccupied with the performance no one's said anything about her absence. 

It's showtime today and the nervous energy backstage is so palpable I can taste it on my tongue. All of us are dressed up, skin brushed and painted to perfection, glittery make up highlighting our faces, thick foundation hiding our dark circles and fatigue. 

Everything from the soles of our boots, to the necklines of our dresses have been prepped to perfection, each fitting our bodies like gloves. Yiren's outdone herself with our styling this time. All the girls here are more beautiful that I've ever seen them and yet I know everyone is currently a crumbling mess on the inside. 

Kim's just reached for her fourth snack this hour, earning a slap on the wrist from a stylist. Liza has been pacing the room and shaking her hands for the past fifteen minutes, making JinJin snap at her. Rachel's reapplied her lipgloss for the fifth time and Grace keeps stretching unnecessarily. 

I turn to Binna, who is sitting on the couch. Her long black hair reaches her mid back and her face, her make up is flawless, she's easily the most beautiful here. I wonder if Firefly will make her the visual in our group. 

I know the line up hasn't been announced yet but everyone knows she will debut just like we all know JinJin will because of her connections. Binna's easily the best dancer amongst us and management has always praised her looks which is just about as important as talent in this industry. 

She leans against the seat and I feel a heaviness in my chest. We should be together, chatting about our excitement and worries but there she is a world away. She looks so defeated, I've never seen her like this. 

When they announce for us to get ready, I squeeze her hand tightly, forcing her to focus. 

"It's us against the world, right? We're going to debut together?" I ask, more like plead. I can't imagine any other scenario.

Binna only nods but she doesn't squeeze back and just like that, we're torn apart. Dragged to our places back stage. 

My mind goes blank when I see the crowd. It's a full house, there are even people standing at the back, stuffed into all the extra spaces. I focus on my breathing, pushing everything else out of my mind and remember the rappers from the underground arena. 

I'm here to have fun. Enjoy myself and give it my all. That's all that matters, no regrets. 

My heart is thumping hard in my chest when Mr Yang welcomes the crowd. I notice Loona, seated at the makeshift judges table by the front, with a few other executives. I can't believe the turn out for our showcase. Even JinJin and Rachel smile excitedly and for some reason we end up squeezing each others hands, all shaking before our first dance number is announced. 

When we finally step on stage, the crowd cheers like crazy, it all feels so surreal. The fact that they're here for us instead of some other celebrity only drives me to do better. I give it my all, and my smile is coming from my heart. It's not an act, I'm not running through my steps in my head or over thinking. 

It all comes natural as I focus on enjoying myself which is surprisingly easy when there's hundreds of people cheering on your every move. 

The evening goes by in a blur. Performing, rushing backstage, getting dressed while stylists shout over each other then rushing back to perform. The crowd especially loves our quartet performance with Jiho and Silver. 

I'd been worried that they would hate us girls performing with their favourite idol but it turns out the crowd here came for us girls more than Viva. Rachel's so happy after our performance, she pulls me into a tight hug which shocks me to the bone. 

"That was amazing!" She says. 

Jiho and Silver have stopped outside their dressing rooms, both of them smiling at us. "It was." Jiho says, looking at me. 

"Look forward to performing with you girls more." He says and I don't miss his lingering gaze as he leaves us. 

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

The night ends with all twelve of us girls standing on stage, waiting for the line up to be announced. I stand rooted to the ground, focusing on my shoes to keep from shaking. I know I did my best but there's always that small voice that whispers if it wasn't enough. 

They are currently counting the audience's votes and when Mr Yang finally stands up to announce the result I feel like throwing up. Our faces float on the screen above with the percentage votes next to our names. 

I lick my paper dry lips as the result appears next to my name. 

35%

It's the highest percentage amongst us and has put me in the top six. I automatically search for Binna's and see hers as 10%, she's in the top six as well with the lowest being 1% and 2%. 

Of course this isn't including the judges results so the final line up isn't confirmed yet. Everyone waits on in tense silence as the judges discuss amongst themselves, me looking at Loona ever so often. 

Mr Yang finally stands, ready to announce the launch of Firefly's new girl group. 

"The time has finally come to announce the members of our new girl group Color Pop. First of all thank you so much for coming today." 

He says some pleasantries that I tune out because I'm honestly so nervous, I could combust at any second if he doesn't hurry up. 

"JinJin." Okay, that was a given. 

"Grace." The crowd claps. 

"Rachel." More clapping and cheering.

"Kim." "Liza." The sinking feeling in my stomach is growing, like a gaping hole about to swallow me.

"And last but not least, Kang Jina." The crowd goes wild, people start to stand, some jumping up and down. 

I can't believe it. All those years of dreaming, of hoping, of tiring myself out in the practise rooms. It has all been worth it. It has lead me to this. I look up at the lights above, so bright like heaven is smiling down at me and I wonder if Dalia can see me now. My vision blurs as I imagine her proud smile, the same one she gave me when I caught the fish she couldn't. 

Everything is done, concluded but then the happiness wears off and I finally come to the realisation. 

My head whips to Binna, who is looking down at her feet. She doesn't look as shocked as I do but it's like a lightning bolt has seared through me, splitting me in half and breaking my heart into two pieces. 

Because I made it but my best friend didn't.