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Chapter 3

1/1/2019

Dear Eun Young,

I know you're used to your fans calling you Dalia. I admit I used to be one of them too, fans I mean. I don't like to refer to myself as your fan anymore. I feel what we have is more, a connection deeper than I've ever felt before.

This will be my first ever letter to you and most definitely not the last. To be honest I feel like talking to you every day. I want to tell about everything that happens to me, every argument, every conversation, every incident worth mentioning. I called you on that vlive the other day but you looked exhausted and you begged the others to stop calling you so I cut the line.

Since then I've decided that I will write to you instead but I know your manager checks all your letters so maybe one day once you're finally free I will send them all in one go.

And then we can finally be together.

I'm patient, I will wait for that day. I know the lifespan of a Kpop idol isn't long and your popularity won't last much longer either. Soon Sweet Poison will be replaced by a younger more energetic version and then people would lose interest in you.

But I promise you I never will because I'm waiting for that very day as we speak.

Till then I won't harass you. I won't invade the personal space that you so obviously crave every time I see you in a crowd. Even though all I want to do is pull you away so that we can be alone.

The closest I've ever gotten to you is through a camera lens and I intend to keep it that way for now. That's why I'm writing to you. Because I can't keep what I feel for you inside anymore.

I can't talk about things like this to my parents or my friends. They'd all think I'm crazy. In fact I don't think I can talk about anything with people who have known me my whole life.

I can sit in a crowded room at a family event and still feel like a stranger. My family has a way of making me feel like that, sometimes even my closest friends but anyway I digress. That is a story for another day.

Today I want to talk about you and how all of this started. It's funny really, I used to like someone else until you caught my eye, until you ensnared my entire heart in that entrancing web you spin with your face and hypnotic voice.

People say you never forget your first and to be honest before you there was someone else I really truly liked. Now it feels childish but then I used to think the world of her. She was your sunbae, from the same company as you. I'm sure you know Kina, the lead singer from your senior sister group Blackswan.

Before you there was the short and tiny, baby faced Kina, main dancer and lead rapper of Blackswan. I used to watch all of her vlives. I immersed myself in all of Blackswan's merchandise and of course every concert they had in both Korea and Japan. I spent every dime I saved on her but then her group went on hiatus and it was the slowest torture I had ever endured.

I have to admit my frustration with your company is immense. I hate that they make their girl groups go through the longest of hiatuses and barely market their comebacks as much as they do with the boy groups. The sexism is painfully obvious and my heart was in pieces when PT entertainment announced that they were launching another girl group.

Blackswan only had two albums and one ridiculously mini album by then. They'd barely made their mark in the world and now another group was going to steal their thunder. I hated it. I hated your group for destroying Kina's short lived career.

I didn't want to support any part of Sweet Poison's debut even though your group's first song blew up the internet. I mean what kind of name is Sweet Poison? It's like your company thought it would be a genius move to come up with an oxymoron that made no sense at all.

What kind of poison was sweet anyway?

I waited for your group to flop, for the small hiatus that followed your groups success to end Sweet Poison's career before it even started. I waited for Blackswan fans to finally get a comeback from their favourite group but it appears the public had different opinions from my own.

Sweet Poison's first single was of a girl crush concept. People were raving about you guys and I tried my best to resist but I finally gave in and watched your music video for the first time. Unlike Blackswan's hard edgy tunes, Sweet Poison's song started off cute and girly before morphing into something much darker.

The beat was unique and highly addictive. I didn't want to do it but I ended up watching that video ten times that night.

Then after a few days, against my best judgement I watched your group's first vlive out of sheer curiosity. I wanted to know why the public was drooling over you girls so much. Granted you four were much prettier than the seven Blackswan members but still, looks shouldn't have been enough.

I remember your first vlive like it was yesterday, Eun Young. The four of you were seated together on a cream coloured sofa, your shoulders touching as you squeezed together to fit into the video screen like a pack of sardines.

Loona and Maria were the most talkative ones, they spoke animatedly to the camera and laughed till their eyes narrowed to slits. The were the most enigmatic, drawing my attention to them first.

Summer spoke occasionally, her words snarky and witty making me think she was the leader of the group. She also sat in the middle and I noticed the others glancing at her for a reaction ever so often.

I like to catch all these micro movements and dynamics for some reason. I used to love noting them in Blackswan's videos as well.

You were the last person I noticed. You sat at the corner, your left shoulder half cut off by the frame of the video. You were barefaced, wearing a simple grey sweater and you were the most quiet. You smiled and engaged when necessary but ever so often your eyes would glaze making me wonder if you wished you were somewhere else.

It made me think of myself whenever I was at my family gatherings. Something in me resonated with you right there and then, I could feel it tugging at my heart, the pull so strong it almost felt physical.

I stared at you for the entire video and counted how many times your eyes glazed over. It was eleven times in total.

I was still a Blackswan fan at the time and compared you to Kina out of sheer habit. Unlike you she was the live wire in her group, the most energetic and loud one while here you were looking like you were forced into it.

At first I thought you had an attitude problem but my interest had been piqued. You were an itch I couldn't seem to scratch away and the only cure was to find out everything about you which was short of nothing because you were a new group with only one debut song.

I watched your debut single again, this time only focusing on you and it was like I was looking at a totally different person. You sang like it gave you life and you smiled like the sun had just reserved it's very last ray only to brighten your smile.

It was obvious that you loved what you were doing and the camera loved you just as much. I watched the video another ten times that night after the vlive, this time only focusing on you.

Both Kina and you are undeniably talented but I can't explain the pull I felt to you, especially since your discomfort resonated with my entire being. I knew how you felt, knew exactly what it was to be surrounded by people and never really fit in.

I decided that night that I would give Sweet Poison a chance. It was only because of you, Eun Young. You made me realise that what I felt for Kina was just a teenager's silly crush and that our connection could be so much deeper.

Because we were so much alike.

I've never regretted that decision. Supporting Sweet Poison was the best thing I ever did and every day I fall for you more and more.

I want to wish you Happy New Year, Eun Young. To new beginnings and to a possibility for us to finally be together one day. Even if it is not today or tomorrow or the day after, I still have that hope.

I will carry it with me till the day you finally retire. Till the day the world gets tired of you and the eyes are no longer looking. I am patient and I will wait.


Always yours,

Hyeon




For this story's sake I am making this sasaeng a bit creepier than normal but not all are like this in real life. Not that I've heard of anyway.

Question: Have you ever heard of a sasaeng before this? Whats the creepiest story you're heard of?

Ill start: A crazy fan walked up on stage, grabbed SNSD's Taeyeons hand and pulled her off the stage. WHILE THEY WERE PERFORMING!!

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