Some people might hate me for this chapter? But eh idc it's my fic Imma write it how I want xD

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It's been almost two months since then. The longer time goes on, the harder it seems to drag myself out of bed, the harder it is to go to therapy appointments...the harder it is to do anything, really. Almost every time I sat in Thomas's office since showing him that drawing, it was due to someone's prodding and coaxing, particularly Mikasa.

Thomas does his best to try and get me to speak, too. To talk about my memories and shovel out the things stuck in my head like leeches, continuously haunting and hurting me. But it's harder to talk about it than it seems, or at least than it should be. There are times when I'll sit there in the chair and stare at the scars on my hands, made by my own teeth, and he'll ask me questions. Sometimes the same questions, about the people around me or the things that happened on expeditions, how my mother died. Sometimes about simply what I had for breakfast. And I won't say a word until he gets tired of my wasting his time and he'll dismiss me.

Other times I speak. Sometimes the answers spill from my tongue without my conscious permission, and sometimes a little voice in my head pushes me to tell him and convinces me letting it out will make me feel better. It never does.

I've thrown several more planes off the top of the wall since the first, too. Random drawings of things Levi told me he was fond of, like tea leaves (he collected them, though I'd never seen said collection) and rain, among other things...things he never told me that I'd just picked up on over the years.

Part of me feels the airplanes reach him, wherever he's gone, and I suppose it gives me some sort of peace. I've spent hours drawing things for him, about him, about us. Through my drawings, I'll convey messages, simply telling him about my day or new things that might pop up. Sometimes I'll draw hours into the night, and occasionally I'll wake up when the moon is watching over to scribble something onto a page in a sudden burst of inspiration. Not everything gets thrown from the wall, but they all pertain to my grief from the death I've breathed in, and not just Levi's. Everyone's.

There have been nights where I'd have fallen asleep in my own bed in the chilly air of the dungeon only to wake up and find myself in his room, in his bed, snuggled between the sheets as if I'd been there the entire night. I can't figure out why, and it's something I've told no one, not even Thomas.

* * *

"Can I ask you something?"

Mikasa and I walk on a stone path through town. She holds her arms behind her back as she gazes upward while I keep my eyes on the ground in front of me, habitually running my thumbs over each other. It's a clear morning, and she's pulled me away from HQ for a walk, though even after half an hour I haven't figured out what the purpose is.

"Hm?"

"Since the titans were exterminated, have you...thought about settling down?"

"Huh?"

"You know...moving out of HQ, finding a house, maybe falling in love? Even, I don't know, starting a family?"

I slow a bit. Sniff. "No, I haven't."

She nods a bit. I glance up, cut my eyes in her direction. She's hooked a finger beneath the scarf around her neck - the one I, or anyone else, have not seen her without since the day I gave it to her. Like all of us, it's witnessed and been through a lot. It's frayed at the ends, but otherwise in fair condition.

"I have," she goes on.

"And?"

She alters our path off the stones and through some buildings until we reach a field, just inside the wall. A few trees sprout out of the ground. Flowers sway in the light breeze that's no more than a breath. Spring is worming its way in.

"And I'm gonna do it," she says, wandering over to the nearest tree with a bench beneath it. She sits; I hang back until she pats the spot next to her.

"You're gonna move out?" I ask, trying to hide the shaking in my voice.

"Hopefully."

"Do you think the commander will allow that?" It's not like we'd really have to ask to move out, but everyone's just stuck around since the titans were wiped out. On stand by, because they're so used to being there, or volunteering their time to help wrap things up, or to help Hanji with research. (Well, the last one is pretty much just Armin, but still.)

"I don't see why he wouldn't, especially once he hears the news."

"What news?"

She doesn't answer right away. Folds her hands in her lap and stares at them. A long minute of silence passes between us.Just as I'm about to shake her shoulder and force the answer out of her, she speaks.

"Eren, you've always been so important to me." Oh no. "You're like my family." Stop. "No, you are my family. You and Armin and even the rest of the regiment." My whole body is tense. Is she dying? It sounds like she's starting to say g-- "Which is why I hope you'll support me on this."

"On what?" I press.

Another dramatic pause, and she doesn't look at me when she finally spills it.

"I'm...gonna be a mom."

A pause.

"Wait...what?" I frown.

Her pink lips quirk up a bit. She does nothing more than nod, but there's a kind of happiness hinted in her dark eyes that I've never seen before.

"Are you serious?" I manage to choke out. My voice sounds strange, like something has hold of my throat but just loose enough to let strangled air pass through. Confusion swarms like bees.

"Of course I am."

I can't help but glance down at her abdomen, sheathed in a white blouse not unlike what she generally wore with her uniform. It looks flat as ever, but I can't imagine it sticking out in front of her with a...a baby inside, just as I can't imagine her cradling one of those things in her arms, or nursing it, or raising it. Every time I try, something blurs the image.

And the questions start spilling out. "But when? Did you plan this? A-and why? With who?!"

Her eyes are averted again, and I know it's because she's nervous. She tucks her chin, watches the grass sway. "No, I didn't plan it. It was the night of the party...so it just sort of...happened. I don't have any excuses for it."

I can't stop staring at her. I can't even blink. I'm shocked, and she hasn't even answered the most important question of all - who the hell she got into bed with that night, and I don't even want to begin to imagine the possibilities...

"Who, Mikasa?" My hands are in loose fists now. I can't help it, I'm nervous for the answer.

A breeze picks up, lifting our hair, ruffling her scarf and sending her soft, feminine scent in my direction. The leaves above us rustle, a few spiral down in our direction. My legs are tense, like once she reveals the information I'm waiting for, I'll jump up and sprint in the opposite direction.

"Mikasa," I press.

When she looks back up, the happiness from earlier has vanished and been replaced by...guilt? My frown deepens, fists tighten a bit. She takes a deep breath.

* * *

The way the graphite of my pencil clings to the surface of the page I drag it across never fails to fascinate me. As I create the curves and shadows, the scratchy metallic sound finds my eardrums. Just barely my nose detects the scent of the graphite. I blow gently to rid the page of excess particles and continue, focusing on detail.

It's a simple image, yet something that helped define our strongest soldier. Although small in real life - no bigger than the palm of my hand, really - the teacup takes up most of the page. The surface is plain, white, and smooth. It holds the liquid it's meant for, and I've drawn ripples through it. By the time I'm finished with the shading and erasing of stray marks, my skin has been grayed and my nails blackened. I'm used to it, though.

The trip to the top of Wall Maria seems shorter today somehow, and I'm looking out at the scene I've been memorizing for quite some time before I know it.

"Mikasa...told me some news today," I start. This has become routine. My sick mind tells me to speak to Levi like he's sitting next to me. Another thing I've gotten used to. "She's gonna have Jean's baby, I guess." I snort. The whole thing still sounds crazy to me, like I'd dreamt it all up. "Weird, right? Jean of all people." I roll my eyes. "Gross. Know I definitely wouldn't wanna get into bed with him, and especially not raise a kid and move in with him or whatever." I look down. Run my thumb over one of my bite scars. They remind me of him, because he tended to them when they were fresh. "But I guess she's happy. That was the ultimate goal, I think." I begin gently tearing the teacup drawing from the binding. Stare at it for a moment. "I just wish I could experience that, too. Do I not deserve it or something?" I begin to fold it. "But when the only person who can make you feel like that is gone..." I shake my head and finish folding the airplane, stand up and point it forward. "Here's some tea, in case you've been going through withdrawals." I can't help but laugh at myself a bit as I release the plane and watch it float away, out of my sight forever.

* * *

That night I lie curled up in Levi's bed. Why, I don't know. I have a perfectly good bed of my own downstairs, and to some it probably seems disrespectful and even morbid to be lying in the bed of a deceased man. But I don't care.

I try to stretch my mind into the future and find some sort of salvation of what might be to come. Moving out of this castle, into a home of my own...alone or with Armin, maybe. Visiting my fellow ex-soldiers, making memories with them...

These ideas are so far-fetched and unrealistic to me that I snort a laugh. Mikasa I can see moving out, in with Jean, raising a kid, being happy. Armin would go on to research more with Hanji and others with the same mind-boggling brain capacity as them. Sasha might open a bakery and employ Connie. That is, if they never admit they're in love. If they do, they'd open the bakery together. Erwin's a difficult one to picture a future for, but he's got more going for him than I do.

I've got myself, my sketchbook, and my thoughts. I've got my looming loneliness and my crippling fear of my memories. And I've got a hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

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Definitely not the best chapter I've ever written. Sorry. I also didn't thoroughly edit this...

Regardless, thanks for reading & let me know what you think ♥