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CHAPTER 22 : Apology

Will you still love me

When I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me

When I got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

Sad song? I know. 

The reason why I am singing it? Because I am sad. 

Why am I sad? Because I misbehaved with Ryan. 

How? By running away when he was telling me about his troubles. 

Why?

Because I am an IDIOT!

How can I be so stupid and heartless? I mean, I know that my health's not good and I shouldn't stay near smoke but at least I should have said 'I have to go' or 'I am sorry, I'll talk to you when you are able to talk' or anything. But I didn't. I just ran away? I mean, what was I even thinking? Stupid brain!

Brain : Hey, don't blame me! I  didn't run away. Blame it to your legs!

Legs : How is it my fault? You are the one who passes the message to do something. Your fault mister.

Brain : Yes, that's true. But I think I know how's fault this all is.

Legs : Me too.

Brain and legs : *In unsion* It's you Jade!!

God, I am so ashamed of myself. 

I walked downstairs and sat on the chair with my breakfast already served by Marie. Today's breakfast was chocolate pancakes and I truly love them. But today, I don't feel like eating them. Because I was sad and ashamed.

"Hey Jade. Why so sad?" Marie asked, while placing the breakfast for Sage. Speakin of which, where is Sage?

"Where's Sage?" I asked, eating my pancakes without any interest.

"She went school early today. She seemed pretty happy. So, now about you. Why the sadness?" she spoke. This woman can't stay away from her topic for a minute.

"Nothing. I just did something stupid." I stammered.

"What?" Marie's face took a concerned look and she came closer to me.

"I ran away when someone was telling me about his or her problems." I stammered again.

"Umm, his or her huh? Trying to hide the gender Jade? But why did you ran?" she chuckled and asked.

"Because I was not feeling well." I said.

"So, what's wrong with that? He or she will understand?"

"No, that he or she don't know about my condition. I feel so bad Marie. I don't like it when someone is angry with me." I cried.

"Aw, come here my baby. Just go and talk to that he or she. I bet he or she will understand." she hugged me and wiped my little tears way.

I chuckled and spoke,"We used he or she so many times in this little conversation."

She smiled at me and shoke her head,"You are adorable Jade. How can soemone be angry at you?" 

"Well, I try. But you know, perfect things can't be hide." I announced proudly, strightening up my collar to show my pride.

She giggled, ruffled my hair and went inside the kitchen again.

I sat on the chair again and started to eat my pancakes again. Marie's words made me feel a little better than before. I heard footsteps coming toward the dining area and saw that it was dad.

He smiled at me,"Good morning Princess."

"Morning dad." I said with a flat voice.

"What's wrong?" He asked while taking his seat.

"Nothing." I was not in the mood to explain it to him again.

"How can it be nothing? You look sad."

"Really nothing dad. Not important."

"Come on, tell it to daddy." he asked like I was five. Why are you irritating me dad?

I send him a dead glance, still eating my pancake. A evil grin appeared on his face. I hate it when he grin like that.

"Dad, please quit the grin." I pleaded. Knowing how much I hate that grinnig face, he was clearly enjoying it.

"Not until you tell me what happened." he announced in a villian like voice. You know, like Ra's al Ghul, Barsad, Scarecrow, Talia al Ghul, Philip Sawyer kind of villians. Aren't they all from Batman : The Dark Knight Rises? Note to myself : Don't watch that movie when you are sad. Yes, I did. Sue me.

"Quit.It.Dad." I ordered. It's bad to order your dad but what to do when he is behaving like this?

"Not until you tell me princess." he said in the same tone as before.

"Iranawaywhensomeonewastellingmeabouthisorherproblems." I screamed. Now, I told you dad. You never told me to say it clearly.

"Oh, you ran away when someone was telling you about his or her troubles." he repeated. How did he know I was ranting? It was too fast.

I widned my eyes at him in disbelief. He smirked proudly. 

This guy is unbelievable!

I grabbed my backpack and rushed outside to avoid any further stares, creepy voices and smirks from dad. It is weird when he smirks. It's like Ryan's thing. Oh, Ryan! I am feeling low again.

I went inside my Imphala, turned on the engine and switched on the radio. And the song that played was suitable for me right now because it was hell depressing.

wingin' in the backyard

Pull up in your fast car

Whistlin' my name

Open up a beer

And you say, "Get over here

And play a video game"

Why do every Lana Del Ray's song sounds so sad? And her face in the videos? Can someone be more depressed than her? She is like a deadly doll because deadly dolls are creepy, sad, gorgeous and well, deadly, of course.

I parked my car in the parking lot of our school and enetered the building. I had already told everything to Jess, not Blair because she was on a date with Derek last night. Wow, some people were having fun at the same time when I hurted someone's feeling.

"Hey girl. Are you okay now?" Jess asked, while I was taking my books out of my locker.

"No, I feel like a beast." I amswered.

She pulled a confused face and asked,"Why a beast?"

"Because in the movie Beauty and the beast, the beast was heartless and I feel heartless." I explained.

"Aw, don't feel heartless. Everyone's knows that you are a nice person." she convinced, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"But what I did was rude Jess."

"I know, it really was. But he don't know that you have asthma." she paused and then continued,"but will you tell him about that?"

I sighed,"Don't know."

The bell rang, indicating the first period. 

"Okay, talk to you at lunch." she smiled and awayed to her class. Thank God Blair wasn't here. I mean, she is a great friend but not a person to talk to talk something serious with. She is more of a 'Lets tlak about nails' parson, not 'Lets talk about your feelings' one!

I walked to my first class which was History. Great, first and history. I am so going to space out.

I sat on my seat and as usual, spaced away. All I wanted to do right now was to apologize to Ryan. He seemed pretty angry when I ran. 

Conscience : Obvious!

Me : Can't you just see that I am ignoriong your all comments today. Leave me alone!

History ended and it was time for Bio. I was walking to my bio class when I saw Ryan going towards his locker.

I ran to him and said,"I am sorry."

He didn't even turned to me. He still looked the same tired, sad and puffy eyed Ryan from yesterday's evening. But at least, he came school toady.

He was busy with keeping his books in the locker when I spoke again,"I am sorry Ryan."

He turned to me with a red face, probably filled with anger and said,"Stop irriating me Jade."

Oooh, he said 'Jade'. That means he is serious and so very angry.

"I am really really sorry Ryan. I can explain." I begged.

"Really? Then explain." he said angrily, while leaning to his locker, facing me and waiting for my answer. I knew he was really angry.

I was speechless. What should I explain? Should I tell him about my condition? But then he'll make fun of me too, like every kid did when I was seven. I don't want to experience it again. But what to do now?

"I knew it." he banged his locker and rushed to his class. My position got weak when his upper arm hit my shoulder.

I felt like crying. I knew he was angry and he was every right to be angry but I can't do anything as well.

I wiped my tears away and went to the bio class.

The english and mathematic classes were tensed because I share them both with Ryan. I tried to talk to him like a million times and he ignored me million times.

I entered the cafetria and searched for Ryan. I have irritated him a lot toady but I won't stop until he forgive me. I am stubborn like that.

I saw Ryan sitting with his friends and talking silently. He still looked messed up.

I ran to him. Suddenly, I felt pain in my chest and my breathing got fast. Just ignore it Jade. It's not time to think about yourself, just go and apologize to him.

"Hey Ryan." I chirped, with my breathing fast.

He kept his head down. I patted his shoulder and saw his angry face.

"What do you want Jade?" he asked harshily.

"Apology?" I said.

"Is this all about apology? Are you irritating me because you want an apology? You ran away like you do everytime and now you want an apology? Then here it is, I forgive you. Now please go away. I don't want to yell at you." 

His words were harsh. I felt like crying again but I controlled myself. His friend's face fell too. Sebastian got up but Ryan stopped him and said,"Don't Sebastian."

Now, that was rude.

I didn't want to heat up the atmosphere so I just ran away from the cafetria and into the play ground. 

And as I sat on the bleacher, I cried my heart out. His words hurt me. Really hurt me. I just want him to forgive me from his heart, not just by words.

-

-

-

It was the end of the school and I was standing near my locker alone, still sad. Now, I was the one with puffy eyes.

Suddenly, I felt that the corridor was getting empty very frequently. That was different.

I looked around and saw Zac running to the school door. I ran to him and asked,"What is happening Zac? Where is everyone going?"

"There is a fight going on in the ground outside of school."

"Fight? Who are fighting?" I asked with curiosity.

"Ryan is beating the hell out of Frank." I froze at his words. Ryan got into a fight?

I immediatley ran to the place where the fight was taking place. I heard people shouting names and jumping. I managed to get to the fight and saw Ryan actually beating the hell out of Frank, a jock of our school. Ryan was still in his white shirt but Frank's clothes were worn out. He was covered in blood but Ryan seemed the same, just more angrier.

"Stop it!" I yelled, climbing the stage where they were fighting.

"Go away Jade." Ryan yelled back, not turning his face to me.

"Just stop hitting him Ryan." I was worried that he'll get punishment for his work, though I knew that he is taking his anger on Frank becasue he had some trouble with his family.

"I won't, now go Jade or you'll get hurt." Ryan turned to me and said.

"Oooh, Ryan is a pussy." Frank commented while smirking. Blood was coming out of his mouth. 

"Look at yourself and then talk Frank." I shouted.

"I said go Jade." Ryan shouted even louder. His face turned bright red and it seemed like he'll explode any minute.

"I won't Ryan."

He punched Frank after my words. Knew it was for me because he pretty much wanted to punch me but he can't.

I ran to Frank and stopped Ryan,"Don't do it Ryan."

He looked away and before I could say something, Frank said again,"Go Jade. Can't you see, two men are fighting here."

I rolled my eyes and replied,"Yeah, like you are fighting. Look at you, all covered in blood."

I turned my head to see Ryan but he wasn't there. Where did he go? 

I ran my eyes and saw him running away. I ran to him, which was a very distance, and stopped him,"Why were you fighting?"

He turned to me with red eyes and said,"Stop doing this Jade. When I say leave me alone, then it means leave me alone."

"I am sorry okay?" I yelled. Then again, the pain exploded in my chest. 

God, I can't take it!

"I don't want to talk to you right now, jsut go Jade."

"Please Ryan. i didn't do that on purpose."

"I don't know the reason but the thing I know right now is that I don't want to see your face."

His words hit me hard. And then the pain grew even more and against my tolerance.

My vision got blurry, the pain was out of control and my whole body got weak. 

He started to run again and I was standing there, shocked with his words.

I was about to stop him when my vision got black and I passed out!

*****

It was a bigger one than the last on!

What is going to happen now? :)

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