Chapter 27

When my parents saw me back home, they cried and were happy to see me back. Limer was sleeping when I got to see him and I couldn't help myself, but let all the tears run down my cheeks. 

Ang laki nang pagsisi ko kung bakit ako umalis at nagpakalayo para lang iwasan ang katotohanang ito. I thought leaving home could help me forget any traces of my late wife. Her memories would always flood my mind and even though I tried to sleep them away, my dreams always became a nightmare and the day we were heading home kept repeating over and over making me stay up all night so I could forget about it.

At home, I tried to fulfill my duty as a parent for Limer. I knew I made mistakes, but I'm ready to do everything right even little by little. 

As soon as I came home, I apologized to my parents because my son wasn't their responsibility at all. It seemed like I left, and they were the ones who looked after him. They didn't say anything but understood what I was going through. It wasn't easy for everyone, especially for us, who had to learn to live without Synestine. 

Some people who learned about Synestine's death might be shocking for them. Like in just a second, the loveliest and sweetest girl we've ever known was taken away from us. What happened will always be marked in my mind. Moving on wouldn't be an easy step for me. I've tried doing so in the past few months, but it always led me back to the start, where I had to go through all that pain of losing her.

"What are you really feeling right now, Cholo? Would you mind telling me?" my therapist asked.

Inangat ko ang tingin ko para tingnan ko siya sa mata. She was leaning in getting that answer from me and all I could feel was my emotion building up inside my chest. I didn't even want to do this in the first place, but when my parents told me they knew someone who could help me, I thought it would be just a random dude or lady down the streets.

When they laid out the plan to me, I declined it in the first place. Ang sabi ko sa kanila, hindi ko  naman kailangan dumaan sa therapist para maka-move on. I resisted the idea for so long dahil sa naniniwala ako na hindi ko kailangan no'n. Hindi naman ako nasiraan ng bait para magpa-theraphy. I wasn't crazy at all.

"Mad. Confused. Hurting."

She put a smile on her face while nodding her head. "That's all valid and I understand where you were coming from. Do you wonder why every time we meet I ask you how you are feeling?"

I shrugged off my shoulder. "It's a normal thing, I guess?'

"You're correct, but that would also make me understand how you are feeling, not just today, yesterday, but for the past few days because those feelings you mentioned won't be washed out so easily. There was a process of learning why we were mad, why we were confused, and why we were hurting. How we developed these feelings and how we let them go won't be easy."

"And you just can't sleep on it, too."

"That's right, Cholo. Tell me why are you feeling mad, confused, and hurting right now?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm mad at myself because I believe I didn't have to go through this and I was confused because of all the things that were happening."

"And why are you hurting?"

"I think that's already out in the air," I told her. "I was still hurting from losing my wife."

"What you all said to me was part of the process," she said. "Now, I have a little task for you and I'm sure this will somehow help you navigate your emotions well and your perception of reality."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to sit comfortably, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let your mind be free of thoughts. . ."

"Hm. . . I don't think I can manage to do the latter one. . ."

"We can try, Cholo," she said in a calm tone. "Let's do it?"

Wala rin naman akong nagawa kung hindi sundin ang sinasabi niya. Umayos ako nang pagkakaupo at saka ko ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Huminga ako nang malalim at saka ko sinubukang huwag mag-isip nang ibang bagay. Everything was dark in my head until I see my late wife's smile that made me opened up my eyes.

I shook my head when I looked at my therapist. "I don't think I can do this. . . I think we can do this at our next meeting. . ."

I got up and was about to leave when she stopped me. She asked me to stay and try it one more time. I let out a defeated sigh and put my ass back on the sofa. Muli ko namang ginawa ang sinabi niya sa akin kanina.

"Now. . . Just listen to my voice and be guided by it. Whatever I would say, think of it. . ."

Kalmado naman ang pakiramdam ko matapos kong subukan ulit ang sinasabi niyang task ko.

"Okay, Cholo. Think of the time your wife's giving birth at the Hospital. Think of all the things that were happening at that moment and how you saw your baby for the first time."

I imagined what she said and seemingly brought me back to those times. The memories I had with Synestine flashback in my mind. We talked, we laughed, and she was screaming at me during giving birth to Limer. I somehow felt her grip on my hand and her cries pushing out our son, but it all changed with a smile when we finally heard our baby's cry.

"You're doing good, Cholo. . . Think of all the good times with your wife. . ."

I recalled all the times our friends and families visited us while we were at the hospital. Those were the times I cherished the most. I've been living the memories where pain and losing her kept hurting me, and I forgot all the good things we've shared.

"Now. . . Imagine the time for you, your wife, and Limer to go back home. . ." I was about to open my eyes when I felt her hand hold mine. "Keep your eyes closed, Cholo. Now, Imagine you drove your family safely back to your home."

"I—I. . ."

"You can do it, Cholo. . ."

I tried to clear my head from it and listened to what she was telling me. It was a struggle for me to think about what she told me until I saw myself driving with Synestine next to me. It was raining so hard and I was hesitating whether I should keep on driving or park the car on the roadside until the rain stopped.

It took me a while and I parked the car on the roadside. Later on, there was a truck speeding so fast and both of us were so shocked that something bad could've happened along the way if we continued driving. When the rain stopped, I continued driving until we reached our home safely.

I couldn't stop smiling. I brought my family to our home safely. This was what we've been waiting for.

Later on, I felt a hand tapping on my shoulder and when I opened my eyes, I wished to see my wife's face, but I saw my therapist smiling at me.

"You did a great job, Cholo. I'm proud of you. . ."

I felt lighter and better than earlier.

Nang matapos ang therapy session namin, I hugged her before I left her clinic. May kakaiba akong naramdaman sa dibdib ko na hindi ko rin maipaliwanag. What we did today might be helpful for me moving forward and somehow a start for me to accept deeply that what happened wasn't my fault at all. I will keep on learning that, but for now, there is progress and I'm thankful for it.

Bago ako umuwi sa bahay, I bought a car toy for my son. Pagkarating ko naman ay naabutan ko sina mama at papa na nasa garden at inaaliw ang kanilang apo. Kinuha ko rin naman ang anak ko at inabot ko sa kanya ang laruan na binili. He was giggling and excited to play with it.

"How was it, 'nak?" tanong sa akin ni mama.

I took a deep breath. "I felt better. . . Thank you. . ."

"We're glad, Cho. Tandaan mo, nandito lang kami palagi. 'Wag mong kalilimutan 'yan. . ."

I smiled and nodded at him.

I'm grateful for them. I've made a lot of mistakes. They closed our coffee shop business for the sake of me and my son. I don't have any idea how I can repay them for it, but they said, being okay, happy, and alive was enough for them. 

What might happen in the next few months or so, I'm just gonna fulfill my promise to Synestine, and I'm gonna live the happiest life with our son in memory of her.