Chapter 1

When I kept thinking about what happened the other day, I couldn't help, but blame myself—I am such a coward. But I wouldn't like to make a big deal out of it. May boyfriend siya and I'm not going to push myself to someone who already has someone in their life. Hindi naman ako klase ng isang tao na manunulot.

A man shouldn't be like that. Respeto na lang.

Today is like any other day, well, for some it isn't. It is a special day for those lovers who could call this day theirs, it was understandable. But they should know that this day was celebrating a martyred man of love. For now, it is celebrated for romance—which I don't relate to that much.

"Wala ka bang plano ngayon, Cholo?" tanong ni Tomas sa akin.

Banas ko naman itong nilingon at napabitaw nang malalim na hininga. "Alam mo na ang sagot, pero ba't tinatanong mo pa rin?"

Tinawanan nama ako nito. "Ito naman! Ang KJ mo naman. Nagtatanong lang naman ako."

"Wala naman akong isasago sa 'yo."

"Sus!"

"Anong sus?" balik kong tanong sa kanya. "Kung iniisip mong gagawa ako ng move kay Synestine, asa ka. I won't ever do that to someone who has already with someone else."

"E, marami rin naman diyang babae. I mean, marami tayong schoolmates na magaganda rin. Sabi nga nila, hindi lang naman si Synestine ang babae sa buong mundo. Why not date someone else?"

"Wala sa plano ko," sagot ko. "At saka, bakit mo ba pinapangunahan mo ang desisyon ko sa buhay, Tomas?"

Napangiwi ito. "Valentine's Day ngayon, lumove life ka naman sana."

Napangisi naman ako. "Tsk. Di bale na lang."

I closed my locker and Tomas walked next to me as we headed down the hallway. Mapapansin naman namin sa mga schoolmate na makasasalubong namin, it's either they were holding hands with their partners or were holding some box of chocolates. These bouquets cost thousands of pesos or some special handmade gifts they prepared. I just hope all these men who made an extra effort would be appreciated.

A good thing for a single person like me, is I don't have to buy anything or get busy for a day.

Mayamaya lamang ay kinalabit ako ni Tomas at may itinuturo ito. Hindi ko naman kaagad napansin kung ano ang itinuturo nito hangga't sa makita ko si Synestine kasama ang mga kaibigang babae nito. Pinapanood nila ang isa nilang kaibigan na inabutan ng bouquet at chocolates. Kilig na kilig sila. Pansin ko naman kung gaano kalaki ang ngiti ni Synestine sa mukha niya habang papalapit kami sa direksyon nila.

A lot of people knew that Synestine was in a relationship with Cameron. That boy is popular on this campus and many girls would get their way with him even though he's in a relationship. I've heard it before, may pagkababaero daw itong si Cameron, but no one said anything when he got into a relationship with this beautiful girl.

Napatigil kaming dalawa ni Tomas para panoorin iyon, pero nang mapalingon si Synestine sa direksyon namin ay mabilis kong iginawi ang atensyon ko sa ibang bagay at hinatak ang kaibigan ko na umalis. Takang-taka naman si Tomas kung saan kami pupunta. Hindi ko rin naman makakasama 'to mamayang hapon dahil may plano siyang makipag-date sa girlfriend. Who knows what could happen other than that.

As usual, I treated this day just like a normal day even though I could see many flowers and chocolates everywhere I looked. Wearing red shirts is highly advised for couples and white for single people. Tawagin na nila akong KJ dahil uniform pa rin ang suot ko.

Tumungo kaming dalawa ni Tomas sa klase namin. It was a boring discussion. Natapos ang klase sa isang quiz na naipasa ko naman. Pagkalabas naming dalawa ni Tomas ng room ay may sumalubong sa amin na dalawang babae. I was about to excuse myself from them, but Tomas told me that these girls were after me.

Tiningnan ko ang dalawa babae na nasa harapan ko. Nakangiti lang sila sa akin at inabot ang isang letter at chocolate. Gano'n din ang ginawa ng isa at saka sila tumalikod at tumakbo papalayo sa amin. Nang tingnan ko si Tomas ay natawa ito at hindi na napigilang asarin ako.

"Sige na, basahin mo na kung anong meron sa letters!" pamimilit pa ni Tomas sa akin.

Umiling naman ako. "Nope. Akin lang 'to."

"Hala? May paggano'n? Makikibasa lang naman."

"Hindi naman binigay sa 'yo 'to, 'di ba? Sa akin binigay, 'di ba?"

"Oh, ba't ka galit?"

"Hindi ako galit," aniko saka napailing. "Sa 'yo na lang 'tong chocolates. Hindi naman ako mahilig dito."

Inabot ko sa kanya ang chocolates at mabilis naman niyang kinuha sa akin. Agad niya rin namang binuksan ang isa at kinain. Inalok pa ako nito, pero tinanggihan ko naman.

"Sabi ko sa 'yo, pre, e. May mga nagkakagusto talaga sa 'yo," anito. "Gwapo ka, matangkad, tapos matalino pa. Mabuti na lang din kaibigan mo ako dahil kung hindi, minus point pa 'yon."

"Loko ka talaga, Tomas."

"Sa totoo lang tayo," dagdag pa nito. "Pero seryoso, subukan mong bumalik sa dating scene. Wala namang mawawala, e."

"Wala nga mawawala. Hindi ko lang talaga siya priority ngayon."

"Pa'no kung si Synestine pala ang ide-date mo?"

"Imposible," sagot ko. "Saka 'wag mo nang ipasok sa usapan 'yong tao. May boyfriend na 'yon at hindi mo na dapat ipilit pa sa akin. Kung wala, e, ayos lang naman sa akin."

"E 'di inamin mo ngang crush mo talaga siya."

Hindi ako nagsalita o nagbigay ng komento sa sinabi niya. Sinilip niya lang ang mukha ko at kakaibang ngiti ang namutawi sa labi niya habang pinipilit kong hindi magpakita ng emosyon. Sometimes I just couldn't help myself, but think what would happen if we happened. Those days that I've tried to make a move, but ended up losing just because I was a coward.

"Bumalik tayo sa 'yo, ready ka na ba sa surprise mo kay Anita?"

Napangiti ito nang malaki saka pinunasan ng likod ng kamay ang labi na may tsokolate. Tumango naman ito. "Oo naman! Ready-ng- ready na ako."

"May kailangan ka pa ba sa akin? I could still help you."

Pinatong nito ang kamay sa balikat ko at tinapik-tapik ako. "Wala na naman, pre. You already did you part at ngayon ako naman ang bahala. I hope this surprise would be a success."

"Naniniwala naman ako," sagot ko. "Anita's in love with you so I don't think she would hesitate."

"Sana nga," anito saka humugot nang malalim na hininga.

Kinahapunan, nagkaroon ng mini concert ang isang student club na nag-invite ng mga estudyante na mag-perform sa stage. Maraming nanood at nag-abang. Karamihan ay mga couple pa rin ang nasa paligid. Mag-isa na lang ako ngayon dahil pinuntahan na ni Tomas ang girlfriend niya.

All I know that he would be giving her a promise ring, and if that promise works well for him, sigurado na siya kung sino ang babae ang pakakasalan niya. He was so sure of Anita. Sana gano'n din ako kagaya niya.

I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, or maybe because when I had the chance, I didn't take it and then I lost it all.

Lumilipad ang isipan ko at hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. I could just go home right now dahil wala na naman akong klase. I stayed to watch the show they organized. May mga booth din sa paligid na nag-aalok ng free taste. It wasn't great, pero sino bang tatanggi pa?

While I was looking around, I saw a familiar face, hindi si Tomas at Anita, kung hindi si Synestine na mag-isa. Hindi niya kasama ang mga kaibigang babae nito kaya nagtataka ako. Normally these days, she would be holding a lot of chocolates or flowers, but this time, she got nothing.

No one was looking at her. It seemed like a lot of people were avoiding her and I don't understand that. Mapapansin ko naman na tahimik siya at malungkot. She even put her hands around herself. Babalakin ko sanang lapitan siya just to accompany her, but something happened at the stage.

Isang boses ng lalaki ang umagaw ng atensyon ng lahat hangga't sa lumitaw si Cameron sa stage. Ang mga tao naman sa paligid ni Synestine ay lumayo at pinabilugan siya. 

Cameron started saying something to Synestine. I didn't understand it as I was focused on learning what would happen next. Cameron kept talking. I picked up a few words he said, and he must be describing Synestine.

Synestine's face showed nervousness and happiness at the same time. Those students who were around her started walking towards her handing her over a piece of rose. She accepted them one by one until Cameron jumped from the stage and walked towards her. He then kneeled in front of her, and I was wondering what would happen next.

Is he asking her to marry him? Too early for that.

I didn't get what he said when the students started cheering around, and the next thing I saw, Cameron stood on his feet kissing and hugging his girlfriend in front of the crowd.

Napaiwas ako ng tingin at umalis sa pwesto ko at hinanap ang daan palabas ng campus. Bahala sila kung anong mangyayari, but I know I should be happy for them. Hindi naman ako bitter—kaunti siguro.

Habang patungo ako palabas ng campus ay nakatanggap ako ng message mula kay Tomas. Napangiti naman ako nang mabasa kong tinanggap daw ni Anita ang promise ring na binigay nito at may hotel na emoji pa sa dulo nito. Natawa na lang din naman ako.

"Cholo!" Natauhan ako at napatigil sa paglalakad nang may tumawag sa pangalan ko. Tumalikod ako at hinarap ang boses ng babae na tumawag sa akin. But as soon as I looked around, no one was there.

Naghintay pa ako nang ilang minuto, pero wala namang nagpakita o lumapit sa akin. Maybe I was just hearing someone else. Napakamot na lamang ako sa ulo ko at nagpatuloy na lamang sa paglalakad.

That was weird. I was imagining things. I wouldn't hallucinate for this kind of thing. I should be sane. Because in this world, attention from someone else shouldn't be what we need to keep moving forward. We only need ourselves to do better and move on.

I'm not looking for love right now, but if it came, would it complete me? I don't know. . . It'll be a long journey for me to discover what love really is all about.