Leonardo

It was easy, saying to the void that I missed her.

I missed Zemira like the stars missed the moon at dawn and passing spring missed blooming blossoms. She took a part of me with her.

Within days of her leaving, I felt like an emptying barrel seeped off her love, trickling every day till one day I was drained completely. I longed for her to fill me up again.

Zemira also took the melody of music with her. Whatever I was listening to now were only words. Harmony shattered when I told her I didn't love her, leaving me with the dissonance of my life.

The word selfish wouldn't even begin to cover the magnanimity of my actions but breaking her heart wasn't one among them. It was a necessity. Zemira didn't know whom she was loving, whom she was tripping towards. Loving me came with a price, she didn't know of.

Though at one point my greed forced me to meet her and ask for forgiveness, it was the slap of reality that got my bearings in order. If I hadn't sealed our fates with separation, I would have kept her reserved for my solace. Zemira would hang her life to a side, waiting for my letters and checking emails to see if I'd sent her anything.

Zemira would stay stagnant, waiting for my return to restart living.

I couldn't do that to her.

In a way, I was selfish.

I wouldn't be able to console her if something were to happen to me. I wouldn't be able to ask her to move on with her life. The thought of dying wasn't scary. What scared me was the image of Zemira clinging to her knees and wailing into her chest at the news of my demise.

I was selfish to deny her love.

If love came at the cost of Zemira's suffering then I refused to love. 

I saw what love did to my mother when I placed the Power of Attorney and my will in her hand. I saw her fallen face, praying on the inside for my safety, for my will to never come into use.

I couldn't subject Zemira to that. I wasn't brave enough to watch her put on a smile and wave goodbye.

With these overwhelming thoughts floating in my head and hammering at my chest, I adjusted my seat, seeking a comfortable position as the car sped through sparsely spread traffic.

Kyle was driving me to the airport, humming something along the way.

The thing about having a family feud was its repercussions. Antonio narrated a different version of the assault to Dad. The useless pile of flesh and bones that was my father, believed every word of his money-minting manager.

I somehow failed to convince Dad of the truth. My decision to resign from the Director's post at Brenton Media rather than taking a sabbatical didn't help my case either.

So unlike last time, it wasn't Antonio driving me back.

As was the case with verbal triggers, the mere reference to the word – brother - soured my thoughts. It revealed my inability in getting Antonio arrested for his deeds.

"What are ya thinking?" Kyle spoke after a long stretch of silence. "Something deep, I'm sure."

I dropped a look at my watch. Kyle had driven for more than an hour with quietude accompanying him.

"Nah, nothing..." I said, rubbing my face hard. "How's Debby?"

"She's good." Kyle's face lit up. In a desperate attempt to hide his smile, he tilted his head to the side away from me. "She kept asking about your girl since the day they met. Zemira didn't want to send you off?"

I shook my head, leaning my chin to my chest. I couldn't tell anyone what Zemira wanted and what I refused.

"Even Debby had that problem." Kyle's jaw twitched and his knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. "My girl's strong and shit but she does have her weakness. Sending me off is one..."

"Zem had some urgent matters to attend to..." I sought asylum in a lie. "... and with Anto, you know, so... Anyways, you owed me, buddy."

"I owed you a beer, man. Not a drive," Kyle straightened in his seat, giving a side glance. "And I guess we're even now. You lost the bet too, now that you're in love."

Passing buildings and sparsely populated plains masked the smile that emerged.

Soft music floated when Kyle tried tuning into the radio. Static at first, a sudden burst of jarring voices screaming through the speakers made both of us chuckle.

"I don't know what punks listen to these days," Kyle said, readjusting the nobs on his radio. "When I have kids, they won't even know what this death metal crap is."

I pulled the seat backwards, leaning into it.

"You do that," I pointed to my personal Mozart, busy tuning into a good station for music. "I'm gonna shut my eyes for a moment."

Rendering a tight-lipped smile, Kyle successfully navigated through the streets and music.

My eyelids fluttered with the bright sunlight streaming inside the car. I dipped the sunscreen and fell back again, landing my head to rest over the pillow of my intertwined palms.

The moment my eyes closed, her smile appeared in the darkness. Following it was her mannerism - of constant blinks upon receiving compliments or her fluttering nostrils whenever we sparred. Her hand gestures, gosh... I wouldn't want to be near them if she was making a passionate speech about something.

I noticed these little quirks since my first interaction with Zemira.

Like a bulb that flickered during low voltage, something else flickered in my memory. Thin strokes of color emerged on the canvas of recollection, filling up the missing pieces of memories. Our first night at the hotel played up in my mind.

I was stirring in my sleep from having an episode. My muscles tensed and sweat cradled me. I tried to open my eyes but gripped at the back of my eyes forcing me to relive the nightmare. My eyelids slit partially.

A hazed gray covering replaced the inky darkness of the night.

I heard ruffling to my side. In the transition between my worst nightmare and the thin hold of reality, I clutched the sheets. My neck strained up but the rest of my body remained numb. I wanted to sit up but an unknown force pulled me from behind.

I heard the creaking cry from the door.

Thud.

I felt Zemira's cold, feather-light touch as the mattress dipped beside me. Her silken body was draped in something damp.

She must have worn her gown back.

The urgency to jump out of my recurring loop of torture was replaced with my sense to hold onto her, asking her to stay. She somehow read me, my anticipation.

"I'm right here," she said, in her soothing tone. "Don't worry. You had a nightmare. Nothing to be scared about."

Running her knuckles over my jaw, wiping her palm over my forehead, she aired my face. Every touch of hers was a cold washcloth placed to break the feverish nightmare. She rode me back to the state of calm.

When my eyelids fluttered, her cold fingers lingered over them, nudging them back to remain shut.

"You need to sleep," she said, stirring near me.

"Don't go." I held her hand to halt her plans. Her presence, her warmth calmed me.

"I won't till you are completely safe," she said, dipping her head near my side and nuzzling her way back into the corner of my neck. Her arms coiled over my chest, patting me softly, submitting me to sleep. "You can rest now."

I jolted from my seat.

"You okay, bro?" Kyle asked, decelerating.

The sunlight from the windshield, muffled honks and Kyle's attention-grabbing voice conveyed the truth. It wasn't a dream. It was a reality that remained hidden behind a fog.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just remembered something," I said, peering out the window. Something profound.

We were turning the corner for the airport. I pulled up my seat and sat erect, gazing at the array of cars in front of us, blinking at the reverie.

I had carried a different recollection of the night I met Zemira. Somehow I missed remembering those precious moments before dawn when she escaped from the room only to return one last time.

What prompted her to come back?

Though my question remained unanswered, I knew she kept her promise. She didn't leave till I was completely safe. She remained by my side until I slept peacefully. That night, she rescued me for the first time.

The car came to a screeching halt. Sounds of honks and howled goodbyes filled the parking area.

"Let's go, Leo." Kyle unbuckled his seatbelt and slid out towards the trunk.

I sat still, my mouth soured with the realization that Zemira witnessed my hideous, broken self, yet stayed by my side. She accepted my scarred form and still loved me.

She wasn't the weak one. I was. She always fulfilled her promise but I failed in my duty to protect her.

~

If only things could have been simple.

Ever had a recollection like this where the missing pieces of a dream or a memory were only filled much later?

Let me know your thoughts.