⚠️I'm sorry if this triggers anyone. Please refrain from reading from the start till the end of the asterisk (*), if you are uncomfortable⚠️

Zemira

When Leo asked me to meet him at his office, I wouldn't say I was surprised.

Always donning the hat of a strategist, I assumed he had another plan. Maybe he wanted to talk about work. Or maybe, just maybe, he wanted to talk about us. It was a kindling hope inside the deepest corners of my heart that I wanted to come true.

I wasn't in any form a delusional person. I knew better than to pin my hope on a person whose contract with me would expire in twenty days. In twenty fucking days Leo would leave. He would go back to the comfort of his job, leaving me in the care of loneliness and desperation that played a match with each other to see which could hurt me better.

I blamed myself for everything - for losing grip of my rogue heart, hoping this time it wouldn't break. In my infinite wisdom, I took a leap of faith, only to fall and succumb to my heart injuries.

In Leo's deserted office, I sat and pondered over the reason for his sudden request to meet. In his text, he didn't explain much and I knew better than to hope for happiness. Yet, I did.

Desire had a strange way of keeping us enslaved. My expectation of Leo staying back, of him giving us a chance to be a real couple was illogical. I had to make peace with his decision yet found myself fighting it.

Since the true Leo took control of me, toppling my walls of restraint, I found it useless to fight his thoughts. One could call it love or devotion but what I felt for Leo needed no defining. It only required feeling.

The glass door rattled with a knock, tumbling me back to reality. Antonio walked in, placing some files on Leo's desk. When he leaned back, his eyes widened upon registering my presence.

"Sorry, didn't see you there," he said with a hand traveling into his matted hair. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. How about you?" I asked. The formal set of talks was in order as I didn't want to make him feel embarrassed for not noticing me. "How's work?"

Had everything worked clockwise for Antonio and me, we would have been a married couple by now. Now we were reduced to being people who felt awkward around one another.

A wretched thought transpired in my mind. Was this where Leo and I were headed too?

The idea of becoming a stranger with the man around whom my world revolved was a blunt force blow over my body. Even contemplating such a scenario had my lungs shoot off the air, lugging me into a state of asphyxia. My thoughts choked me, strangling my insides, squeezing each drop of blood to drip me dry.

"Earth to Zamira." Antonio clicked his finger near my face. "Lost in thoughts?"

"Sorry, I... Sorry."

Every time I thought of Leo's departure, I felt the stable ground beneath my foothold crumble while all I could do was stay cemented and suffer. Feel the vibrations, the crunching of my world without being able to do anything

"I can understand that you're distracted," Antonio said, tossing his body into a chair and dragging it to my side on the couch. He took my hands, gently squeezing my palm. "It's okay."

Strange.

Once, I was fine with him touching me but now the very thought revolted my gut. I was claimed to be someone else's and even the thought of another man irritated the invisible branding my body underwent, accepting Leo as mine.

I slid my hand away from Antonio's grip, resting it over my lap. "I'm fine. You've my full attention now. So tell me, how are you?"

"I already answered that, Zem. Wow, you weren't just lost in thoughts. You've decided to block my voice too."

"I'm sorry, Anto. I was focused on other things... so sometimes... But I'm present now and I'm all ears."

**

Antonio dragged his chair closer. The wheels of the chair slid beneath the space under the couch, screeching into the rug and whirling like a purring kitten when he tried moving in further. His hand rested over my knee, drawing up the hem of my dress.

I tried to slide it off. The sunken upholstery of the couch pulled me in like quicksand. Antonio's grip did the rest. I was held captive. His legs on both sides arrested me. I had no escape route.

"Zemira, chill."

His hand traveled from beneath my dress, sliding upwards. My skin stretched thin, crawling inwards. My brain screamed at my numb limbs to move. I clutched his hand that travelled beneath my dress.

"Stop it, Antonio. I'm not comfortable."

Then my memory hazed. My vision watered. Like those times when Leo narrated his wartime incidences, I was forced to witness my battle. Antonio pushed me beneath him. My brain cells fused. Both my hands couldn't peel the weight of his one arm off my chest.

My dress adhered to his hand command but my mouth adhered to mine.

"Stop it," I scream. My nails dug into his left wrist, my fingers peeled each of his digits off my chest. "I'm telling you for the last time. Stop touching me, Antonio."

"Why sweetheart? Are you only okay with being touched by Leo?" His teeth gritted. I was trapped by a man, a monster. "Fine, then. I'll have my way with you after he leaves."

When his weight shifted, I tossed his hold off my body. Like a caged animal set into the wild for the first time, I ran. I darted with my freedom and the remnants of my pride.

I survived.

I didn't succumb.

I... failed... fighting for me.

***

In the parking lot, I found a haven in my car. My forehead slanted on the steering. The warmth from its Italian leather covering dabbed my sweaty temples.

Cold air circulated at full blast but did nothing to pacify my burning chest or the heat radiating from my eyes. Black spots danced behind my vision. Guilt surged, hitting every neuron in my body. Electric jolts from the incident burnt my memory.

Screams emerged now, those rendered voiceless inside the office.

Spewing warm tears over my face, I searched for something, something...anything in my glove compartment.

A lighter.

A mint pack.

A perfume.

Why the fuck did I not carry poison?

Survival adrenaline faded. Survivor's guilt gnawed into my flesh.

I could have punched him.

I could have kicked him sharply. My heels were on, it would have hurt him.

My teeth were intact. I could have bitten him.

I did nothing. I stayed numb.

Tap Tap.

I jumped off my seat, banging my head on the roof.

Was the doom near?

Was Antonio here to finish what he started?

I tried turning, inch by inch to the triple knocking on my window.

"Zem..." Leonardo knelt with an arm resting on his knee and another over the roof of the car. He was bent at my level. "Open the door, Zemira."

I waved at him, leaning into the opposite side of the passenger seat. My hands and mind's coordinated efforts were that of a center and quarterback. One tossed the tissue, other grabbed it. My back shielded Leo from watching all the wiping and cleaning I conducted on my face.

Before I opened the door, I turned off the blast and inhaled the cool air. My chest felt lighter. Only my throat hurt. Only my flesh burnt.

Click. 

My door unlocked.

Leo tossed it open, leaning inside.

"Come out," he said, his narrowed eyes and tightly shut jaw commanding me. "Just... come out."

I didn't protest much. Escaping from the inside, I stood up and smiled as if nothing happened. Pangs of guilt hit me again, tearing my insides. I was acting like things were fine by enabling a monster to carry out his deed with some other woman. Another victim.

"Why are you crying?" Leo's hand moved carefully over the side of my face. I flinched when it touched me.

"I'm not. Who said I was?"

Moving closer, Leo rested his hands on the car, trapping me. As I pushed him away, I saw a flash of pain streak across his eyes.

He must have expected me to reveal the reason for my tears. He must have assumed my breakdown to be caused by some meagre reason.

"Why did you leave me alone in your office, Leo?" A teary avalanche sprung from my eyes, flooding my face. "You said you'd be there..."

Leo silently handed me his kerchief. He watched me as I dragged a long breath, exhaling into his soft cotton and wiping away my whole face. The mask, the tears, the troubles.

If it was indeed so easy to wipe it away.

When I lent it back, he curled my fingers into it, retaining our distance. His blank stare burnt me.

"What happened inside my office?" He asked, his hitched voice seeped into my warm skin. "Tell me, Zem."

I nodded sidewise. Somehow, ratting out his brother for what he did to me didn't feel right. There was no right or wrong decision for now. For now, all I wanted was to curl up in my bed and end my days.

One torture at a time.

One troublesome thought at a time.

I was compartmentalizing. Though life didn't work that way, I couldn't care less. My life kicked me when I thought I couldn't be brought down any further. It tore me a new wound just when the older scabs healed. Like always, I masked them beneath bandages of guilt and shame, letting it fester.

Unknown to me, it was turning lethal.

Leo tipped my chin up, forcing me to look up. "Tell me or I'll have to check the security tapes."

I tried to answer. I really did. After all, how difficult was it to utter a culprit's name?

It seemed easy but pointing a finger was hard. It meant accepting the wretched day. It meant embracing the lack of reaction and the slaughtering fact that I was indeed a victim of sexual assault.

As much as I wanted to scrape off those memories that tarnished the walls of my existence, the most difficult cleansing ritual remained - saying the name, pointing the finger.

Words scratched the sides of my throat, unwilling to yield to reality. 

"You won't like what you'd see in those tapes."

~

This chapter is dedicated to all the survivors out there.

To the ones who spoke

Or the ones who stayed silent

One day, I hope you find peace.