Zemira

Different people had different notions about calmness. For Kiera, it was running barefoot on the beach. For Tag, it was listening to the Beatles. For my father, it was seeing Mom's photo in his wallet. 

For all of them, it gave a sense of respite, an escape from their troubles.

The moment I stepped into Dad's office, I felt calm. 

Calm from the storm which huddled and crashed inside me every time I was close to Leo. Our apartment has become a battleground for me, for the longings I felt. Every time our eyes meet, I plummeted into a pool of desire.

My mind altered the agreement we had. I no longer wanted to be a party to the ruse. Since our relationship transpired beyond the borders of bed and started creeping into my heart, I wanted the games we played to turn into reality. 

I wanted us to be us.

"There she is." Breaking my reverie, Dad walked into his office. For our weekly get-together, I found myself accepting his proposal to have lunch at our office than meeting outside.

Tossing the rainbow-colored files on the table, he tossed his arms up for me. 

"I missed you, kiddo."

Since childhood, I found my father's hug to be the cure for all my troubles. 

When I scrapped my knees, Dad's cuddles brought me respite. It conveyed he would bear the sting alongside. When I grew into a rebellious teenager, he never scolded me for my wrongdoings but kept wrapping me in his embrace. He knew my aggression helped fill the void I felt in my chest after Mom's demise. 

Even when the news of Tag's demise quaked my world, Dad held onto me. He sheltered me while I wept dry.

So it wasn't unusual for him to embrace me. 

The unusual was me clinging onto him longer than usual. I was trying to take every ounce of his love and affection and fill me up. 

Somehow, I had this notion that if I found enough love in the world from everyone, I wouldn't crave it from one specific man.

"Something on your mind?" Dad asked when I remained hung over his body. He must have read my tell-tale signs of turmoil, occurring when I craved peace from the tussle between my heart and mind.

"Not at all."

What else was I supposed to say? 

That his daughter was falling for a man who had less than a year to stay. That the chances of Leo safely returning were equivalent to witnessing a shooting star at night. 

Or that I was dreading the future while trotting down a dangerous path, willing to risk everything.

"I'll believe it when I see it for myself," Dad said, winking at me.

We assembled at the lunch table in his office. The streaming sunlight illuminated the room. The warmth from the window diffused with the cold from the air conditioning, hitting the center of my chest.

"You know you can tell me anything, kiddo. I won't tell anyone, I promise." Dad pointed his fork at me, grinning like a child.

"It's nothing, I promise. It's just..."

"Boy trouble?" He tilted his head, watching as my head dug into my chest. I couldn't look at him after he correctly assumed my state of worry. "So I was right."

Although not quite the boy trouble, it surely was an adulating issue.

"It's Leo." I looked away. The bright sunlit world outside the glass pane held its grip over my skin, enabling me to speak. "I think I am-"

"Falling for him. Yes, I know..."

"How? Who told you?" The answer to my question was a burst of vibrating laughter, resonating throughout his office. He tapped his hands on the table, digging his elbows and resting his face on his knuckle.

"Why do you keep forgetting I'm your father? I know what you feel. Don't ask me how but I know my child's heart better than any man." He said boastfully. He had every right to. Dad knew me better than anyone.

As a baby when I cried, hungry for food or with discomfort, Dad would decipher my irritation and figure a way to soothe me. Mom retold the tales of him guessing if I was fussy because of wetness or simply famished, just by reading my expressions. 

He was right every time.

Our bond only grew stronger from thereon. I tried justifying Dad's guesswork as a fluke only to realize he never read my expressions. 

He studied my heart. I didn't know the how of it but I felt it.

"Okay." I inhaled deeply, drawing in the mechanically cooled air before peering at him. "So Yoda, tell me. What do I do to get rid of it? I don't want it."

"Very well. Try holding your breath," he asked, clearly pulling a tease at me. When my eyebrows bridged, he surrendered his hands in the air. "I'm serious. Do it."

"What's that got to do with-"

"Don't you want to get rid of it?"

Adhering, I ballooned my face and held up my breath. Dad leaned backwards, arms clasped on both ends of the armrest and rocking his chair. In a few seconds, my chest felt the pressure and my gut tried twisting its way up. I exhaled. Air rushed in, stroking my insides and patting me to calm with the blood flowing in its usual route.

"How was it?" He asked, chuckling.

"How will it be, Dad? You tell me. After all, it's your stupid science experiment idea."

"No." He slanted on the table. "It's a test to tell you what happens when you try to suppress what comes naturally. Air, love or anything."

My dad wasn't Fitzgerald but he surely knew ways to quote romance experiments.

"So tell me. Why do you want to get rid of it?" He asked, a piper playing his tunes and luring me to confess.

I started rambling about my fears that camouflaged behind my smile. 

"Because Leo's leaving. Less than a year and he'd be at the war front again. He'd leave me just like Tag and I really don't have it in me for another round of torture."

With furrowed eyebrows, he peered at a distance, his index finger tapping at his chin. When he looked back, a soft smile emerged.

"Tell me. When Tag left, did you stop loving him?" There it was, the gist of all my questions. "If you didn't stop loving Tag when he went for duty, then why hold it back now? Why restrain in the chain of fear?" 

Dad handed me the answer in simpler words.

He held my hand and dragged his chair nearer. I wanted to avoid looking into his wisdom-filled wide eyes. Concern oozing from Dad's end only meant one thing; he was worried for me. Though I wanted to show him I was capable of taking care of myself, it was never a good enough answer.

"Don't stop loving. And please don't stop living," he said, patting my pale fists. 

My nerves stood at attention, absorbing his words into my senses. The lingering fear faded. Only left with light in my body, I nodded. 

"Your heart muscles are capable of enduring more than you can imagine, kiddo. And trust me, one year is a fairly long time to have with a person. One day is enough if you'd want it to be."

The remainder of the time, we sat in silence, munching food that seemed to lack taste. Like a sudden shift in perspective, Dad's words assimilated into my mind, convincing me that I needn't fear my feelings. What I felt, I wanted to narrate.

~

Upon arriving home, I tossed my heels and slid onto my couch. My thoughts went back and forth like a pendulum over Dad's suggestions. As I walked towards my room, passing Leo's bedroom, my peripheral vision registered his ajar entrance.

I pushed it open only to find him inside.

"You didn't go to the office today?" I asked, turning on the lights to illuminate the darker room.

Laying on the bed, Leo had his arms wrapped over his eyes. With gentle rise and fall, his chest drew in air. In a single headshake on both sides, Leo answered.

Something felt different. Leo was the happy puppy who could draw a smile potent enough to put me into a love-induced coma. Today, I felt darkness encircling his shape on the bed. Even with the lights turned on, the ominous mist of unpredictability lingered.

Leo jerked up, seated upright on the bed. His bare feet dug into the carpet and the heels of his palms into his eye sockets.

"Leo," I called him, extending my arm and walking in. "Are you okay?"

The air in the room crackled with an invisible, unnatural tension. All my resolve to open unto him evaporated off my body. The idea of telling him how I felt diminished under the hold of the unknown looming over me.

Leonardo Brenton was a strong man. Stronger than any Brenton and kinder than most. Of all his qualities, patience was a virtue that shone the most. 

Today, he seemed to be at war with something. The waves of turmoil rose over his pale face, crashing behind the walls of his pursed lips. Frustration seeped through his blinking eyes and clutched fists, digging into his sides over the mattress.

"I got the call today," he spoke in a hushed tone as if the heaviness of those words deflated him.

For anyone else, those words would remind them of a hospital situation. For a soldier awaiting deployment, it only meant one thing.

My breath hitched in my lungs, unwilling to release. I saw black dots around my vision as I knelt near him. Leo didn't bother looking at me but his melancholic expression spoke volumes.

"I'm being called back, Zem. I only have a month." He stated, unnerved by the news and the ticking time bomb set on his departure date. "There've been new developments in some regions in Afghanistan so..."

A while back, Leo's promise to help my business assured me I wasn't alone. The way he went above and beyond for me led me to believe that Leo felt the same way for me as I did for him. It made me take the next step with him with the hopes of building a future for us.

The news of his impending departure scrambled all my steps and pushed me back further from where I had begun.

"I'll ensure everything about the agreement is expedited," Leo said, clutching my elbows and bringing me next to him. "Nothing about us changes because of this."

~

The bomb goes off...

Do you think Leo and Zem would confess before he has to go?

Do you think these two broken birds will mend one another or it will only be more breaking now?

Let me know in the comments.