I had woken up on the couch, where we had slept off watching a movie. I tried to stretch, as I was stiff from the position, I had slept in. But, Fareedah was still latched onto my arm. I felt my cheeks heat up at the realization that she didn't run away and then tell me to get out once again. I tried to get up, so I could make something for breakfast before she woke up, but the moment I tried to get up, her grip tightened around my arm. I frowned as I began to hear quiet whispers and tears. "Fareedah?" She didn't reply me as she continued whimpering, making me worry even more. I gently touched her arm with my left hand, rubbing gently as I asked, "Can I see your face?" as I tried to lift her face. But she quickly buried her face in my arm, crying.

"Ni zunubi ne (I am a sin)," she wailed, keeping her face buried in my arm.

I was a bit familiar with what she was saying, because they haunted me for a while. "Uhn?" I asked, getting really worried. I was glad that she was making the serious effort to not let me go again, but that didn't change the fact that her reaction made me worry.

"Please," I begged her as I attempted to look at her again, but she didn't let me. Realizing that her arms weren't as tight as they were, I quickly pulled her into a hug, which only made her cry more. "There there." I kept gently patting her back, which seemed to be working as she began calming down.

We had been there for some minutes, before she sat upright and began wiping her eyes. But, the moment she looked at me, it was like she was reminded of something and went back to crying again. She wailed harder than she was wailing before. "Fareedah, I am a sinner," she told me, burying her face in her palm.

I shook my head, not caring if she was looking at me. "No, you are not."

"But I have sinned," she said between her tears, "doesn't that make me a sinner."

I shook my head again as I asked, "Is the sin in this room with us?"

"We are sinning."

I went silent, not wanting to argue with her, while I sat there, waiting for her to calm down a bit.

It took a while, but she finally did. When she did, I soon asked her, "And, why do you think so?"

"Uba (Father), said it."

I frowned a bit. "Uba?"

"My father."

I sighed, not knowing what to say to her. I couldn't sit there and start preaching about how it wasn't a sin, because I was also taught same. It was something that was often preached against and if it wasn't because I often live in the present, I will also be in a very conflicted state of mind. But, I always try to do what made me happy, and considered how I felt within. "Are you happy?" I asked her, earning a frown from her.

"Uh?"

"Are you happy?" I asked again.

She sighed, looking at her fingers as she played with them. "That is a complex question," she replied, "when I am with you, I am happy. But when you go, I am left with these thoughts and fears." Her eyes begin to water again. "They'd send me back there Celia," she said in a shaking voice, making my heart skip in panic.

"Send you where?" I asked in fright, hoping it wasn't what I thought it was.

She looked at me with her reddened eyes, tears had began to roll down her cheeks as she said, "To a place where I am to be redeemed."

My fears were beginning to be true. "What?"

"The retreat were they deliver people like me," she tried to explain. "I don't want to go back there. It was horror." She began to cry harder, while my mind began to run wild. Who did that to her? Why? I knew why, but who would comfortably do that to a person?

"Who?" I couldn't bring myself to reply more than one words, as I was too stunned. I had heard of such things, but I didn't know it actually happened.

She shut her eyes tight, like she was trying to shut out the memories.

"I'm sorry," I quickly apologized. "You do not have to speak about it."

She shook her, breathing deep as she replied, "I promised to try, and that is what I will do."

"You don't have to, if it is hard for you."

She shook her head. "It was when I was younger, in primary six or so, and I had told my elder sister about my crush on a girl in my class. She told me to never speak of such anymore. Not knowing what was wrong, I agreed and never spoke about it again. But, she told my parents. I was immediately sent to a redemption retreat, so that the evil spirit can be cast out. I was there for about a year, and resumed back to JSS2 like nothing ever happened." She began to physically shake, as her drying tears on her cheeks got wet again by the fresh ones she had began to cry. "I have never been able to be with anyone again, man or woman. I don't feel much attraction to men, apart from platonic feelings. And then you came along." Her shaking got serious, making me panic as I placed my hands on her palm, making her jerk away from me. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologized, but she kept her distance.

I didn't know when it started, but I had started tearing up. I nodded. "It is fine if you need some space." I stayed where I was, my heart hurting by her words.

She sighed, still crying. "I have a headache."

I didn't let myself process much as I shot up from where I was seated, heading to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. In order to avoid making her panic, I dropped the cup on the table, sliding it to her side of the table.

She drank it, immediately saying, "I think we should end this."

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, but I couldn't help understanding. I was about to agree with her, when I remember Christopher's words on how she needed to be pulled out of the sunken place she was in, and she needed perseverance. "I see your point," I told her, "but then what happens next?"

She didn't look up at me, as she still was crying, but wasn't shaking as much anymore.

"What happens when you miss the happiness you feel when you're with me? What happen when you go back to being alone and sad? What will you do when you are remembered of the happy moment we shared and the reminder of the fact that you can be happy? Regret? Would you rather regret or be happy? I am not one to make a decision for you, but I think you should choose your happiness. Live in the present. I'm not saying it past isn't traumatic and easy to get over, but always choose your happiness over anything."

"But, I'm a mess. And you will get tired of me sooner or later."

I shook my head. "Then you do not understand how deep my feelings for you are," I replied, my heart plummeting at the reassurance and confession. "I'm not getting tired of you when I am supposed to be there for you, and I won't let you push me away so easily either." I stood up. "But I will let you have your space, so, whenever you are ready just call me. In addition to that, I'd most likely be going home next tomorrow. That's when they will be closing the hostel."

I had picked up my stuff and began to walk towards her door. "Celia," she called me so low, I almost didn't hear her.

"Yes?" I asked, turning around to see her arms spread wide. She was still evidently shaking, her anxiety was still active. My shoulders slumped as I replied, "But Fareedah, I-"

"Please," she begged, her hands almost dropping from being tired. I couldn't help walking into her embrace, laying on top of her as my weight pushed her into a lying position. "I am scared that when you walk out that door, I will never see you again," she whispered. I could feel the trembling of her body beneath me. "I'm also still scared of being sent back to the retreat, but I feel my heart tearing at the thought of losing you."

I began to tear up, sitting back up and pulling her up with me as I began to pat her head. She began to cry, burying her head in my shoulders. "There is nothing wrong with you," I told her, hoping my words helped her feel better. "And I want you to always remember that. I will not walk out of your life, add that the things you are to remember. I care too much for you."

She nods, crying softly as she had become more at ease. I kept petting her, feeling her begin to relax and ease up, while my own tears had stopped. Seeing her going through so much pain, only made me ache too.

I didn't care for her family much before, because she told me she didn't want to talk about them, but at that point in time, I had beef with everyone in her family.

She dozed off on the couch after she had calmed down, so I gently placed her down as I went to the kitchen to try to cook something up. It was already two in the afternoon, so I decided I would make lunch instead. Luckily for both of us, she had some ingredients at home and I noticed she had been doing some cooking when I was away. I felt so proud of her, my right hand pressed to my chest as my lips spread into a wide smile. "So cute," I said to myself as I began to prepare jollof rice. I found some turkey in the fridge, which I fried and peppered. There was also dodo (fried ripe plantains).

When I was done, I went to the sitting room to check up on her. She was still quietly dozing, and I was reminded of how she looked some hours ago. My heart sank as I felt my eyes water. She had been through a lot, and for someone that age being sent to a redemption retreat, that is pure evil. How can someone's own parent do that to their child? I sat gently by her, petting her head as she moved a bit in her sleep, curling up more. She deserved all the happiness in the world, after going through something like that. And, I hoped I was going to be there to give her all the happiness she deserved. I would cherish her till she is rest-assured that truly there is nothing wrong with her and she deserves happiness.

Soon, I was dragged into the thought of what we were doing and if it was right. I knew well enough that my parents would never accept that of, but I also wonder what I would do when it is time for Fareedah and me to get married. How was I going to tell them that I have found the one for me and she is a girl? My heart suddenly felt burdened, and I began to overthink things. Was it better I tell them now? Maybe tell my elder sister that I liked a girl? Maybe that would go well and then I'd lay the foundation to everything? But I quickly shook my head, imagining the hundred and one way things could go wrong. After all, it was Fareedah's sister that reported her to her parents. I sighed. 'Are we not on the right path?' I couldn't help thinking to myself. Is that why we had to hide ourselves, because we were doing what was right? I felt my chest ache. But she made me happy, it didn't feel wrong when I am with her, it felt perfectly fine. If it was wrong, then let me be wrong with her.

My train of thoughts was disrupted by a gentle peck on my cheeks, causing me to abruptly look at Fareedah. She had puffing eyes, her skin reddened, but she still looked absolutely stunning and drop dead gorgeous. "Did you sleep well?" I asked with a gentle smile, as she sat up, nodding and rubbing her eyes. 'Ugh, she is so adorable', I thought to myself as my heart swelled with warmth. 'How could she be wrong?' I wondered. "I made jollof rice, would you eat?"

She got excited, her lips spreading into a smile as she said, "I've missed you cooking so much." She scrunched her face like she was about to cry, expressing how much she had missed my cooking.

I chuckled. "It's not even that good," I told her.

"I've gone to a lot of restaurants and eaten a lot of professional chef's cooking. And I'd pick yours everyday and any day."

I smiled, feeling proud of myself. "Flattery will get you anywhere," I told her.

That made her chuckle as she stood up. "But I was saying the fact, and not trying to flatter you."

I smiled.

"Let me freshen up, I will return soon," I nodded as I watched her walk towards her room as I took it as a cue to freshen up also. I was glad that I had some clothes I kept forgetting at her place, which helped me have about two to three outfits in her apartment. It was like I was gradually moving in with her.

When I was dressed and stepped out, Fareedah was already out in the sitting room. "Let me heat up the food," I told her.

She nodded as she followed me to the kitchen. "I can't wait," she said, rubbing her palm together.

I chuckled, watching her face wrinkle up into a genuine full teethy smile, that warmed my heart and made me feel happy. She had her hair up in a high puff, and was dressed in a short black dress that had me trying to look everywhere else but her legs.

I heat up the food, then dished it out for the both of us, after which we ate and chatted. We talked about our exams and how life had been when we were apart. She seemed to have 'grown' a lot. Like she went through a thinking process that led to a certain refurbishment. And I liked it, I like how she was willing to go through whatever we had with an open mind.

We were seated on the couch when she changed her position from the couch to my laps, kissing me. I immediately responded, hoping she couldn't hear the sound of my beating heart. My hands wrap around her waist, pulling her in as she wrapped her hands around my neck, playing with my hair. Our lips moved at a rythme and soon our tongues performed a war dance. I had lost my thoughts, and all I knew was that my body was what was responding. It was doing whatever if willed, leaving my hazed mind behind.

Fareedah soon pulled away, looking at me with desire. I knew that I looked the same, as I couldn't help how tingly my body felt all over. Her dress had pushed up to her waist, and seeing her underwear made me hot all over. I quickly averted my gaze, earning a chuckle from her.

"I want us to do more than kiss," she said to me, pulling my face to look at her.

Looking in her eyes, I was about to say yes but soon panicked, which snapped me back to reality. I shook my head, gently moving her from my lap to the couch as I stood up, trying to calm myself down in every sense. "No," I replied with a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of my head.

She looked at me confused. "Why?"

"Because I don't think you're in the right state of mind for that," I replied. "And that is a big step that I want both you and I to be in the right state of mind for."

"I am in the right state of mind."

I shook my head. "Swear you aren't still scared of being sent back to the retreat and that you aren't using this to get your mind out of the thought of that. That sometimes you don't just want to pull away from me whenever we're kissing. I feel it, the pull," I inform her.

She went silent, looking away from me as she got up and pulled her dress down with a stomp of her right foot. She landed back on the couch with a bounce as she crossed both her arm and leg, looking away from me with a pout.

The pull is something I had noticed whenever she initiated a kiss. It was always like she wanted to pull away from the kiss, but then tightened her grip instead. It wasn't so easy, but it was obvious she was trying. It was also obvious that she had become dependent on our kiss to get her mind off things whenever she started second guessing 'us', and I knew taking it a step further would only make matters worse. I didn't mind her being dependent on the kiss - which I sure should have minded, but I wanted her to deal with things with a clear head and not run from it like she always does.

I sat beside her, but she adjusted so there was a distance between us. "Come on now," I told her. "This is for both our good."

She didn't reply me as she kept looking away.

I chuckled at how cute she was, getting up to kneel before her. She tried to look away, but I used my hands to hold her in place, which made her look at me and her gaze quickly softened. I smiled, gently pulling her cheeks with my thumb and index finger as I said, "You're so adorable."

"But not adorable enough for you to desire me," she said with a eye roll.

I chuckled. "And you know that isn't true at all."

She huffed.

"And if you can't tell, I do. But, I also wants what best for not just you, but us also."

She didn't reply, but snickered and looked away from me.

I smiled, leaning in to peck her right cheek. When she didn't respond, I pecked the left. When she still didn't respond, I began to peck her all around her face, making her chuckle as she began to laugh. "That tickles," she said. But I didn't stop, I kept pecking her while she struggled to escape me. Her laughed filled me with pure happiness.

I was happy.