I found myself staying up at night and ending up crying. I would wake up with really puffy eyes; making my roommates ask me what was wrong and if I was 'feeling fine', which I will always reply 'yes' to, faking a distant smile if possible. Some days, when I was too weak to fake a smile, I'd simply nod. Inoma hasn't told me and I am sure she wasn't planning on tell me, but I knew that my roommates had been talking about me and how I had started behaving different, like I was going through an extremely tough time. They would sometimes talk about how they knew my smile was fake. I would hear them when I step out of the room or when I am returning to the room. I had once encountered a conversation where one person had said that it was a bad idea to get back with an ex, that they became an ex for a reason. Someone else in the room replied that, it could be hard to do that when you truly love the person. Another person gave their own opinion about how one should never go back to their vomit, and that was how one could truly acquire peace of mind. I wanted to burst into the room and tell them to mind their business, because they weren't in my life and didn't know what I was truly going through. Fareedah couldn't even be considered an ex, as we hadn't even gotten the opportunity to simply love and care for each other. All we ever did was show affection, express it and then separate. But, I was way too weak to have that conversation, ha kwesịrị hapụ m aka, biko (they should leave me alone, please).

Inoma and Topher knew the full story, but they made no effort to speak of it. I had told them of her break down the day after our first kiss, and how I had planned to keep her a 'just a friend'. Even though I had told them before, to shed more light I had told them again. Inoma explained to me that, if I wanted to achieve that with the way I felt for her, I had to give her a big gap and reduce her to an acquaintance not friend. Our conversations shouldn't go beyond 'hi' and 'hello'. I understood. But, Topher also tried to explain how I shouldn't let go so easily as it seemed like she had her own demons she was dealing it. "I have mine too," I replied him. "But yet I am not letting it hurt her."

"I am not saying yours are non-existent, all I am saying is in relationship, a lot of patience matters. She seems like she is going through a lot right now, a lot you yourself do not know about because she is carrying all the burden herself, and that alone can weigh her down. I know that this might seem like a lot right now, but it could pay in the long run. I am not saying that you shouldn't let her go, I am saying you shouldn't let go so easily. She is in a sunken place and is probably hoping you will pull her out."

I hated the fact that I understand everything he said, and was suddenly consumed by a sense of selfishness. I felt so inconsiderate, and soon I had forgotten how wretched I had been some days to about a week ago. I had spent some time that night hovering over her number, almost unblocking her, but in that same moment I was reminded of how I felt. It really was best we are apart and go back to being strangers. I blame the day I approached her. If I hadn't, she would probably still have her peace and I probably wouldn't be going through as much hurt as I was at the moment.

The semester had begun to get serious, as so has most of us. I wasn't one to miss class, but after missing almost two weeks' worth of class, I decided it was time to wake up. It was my second to the last year in school, I couldn't afford ruining my grades at that crucial point in my life. Every score counted. Gradually, I had began to get distracted from the thoughts of her, even though I sunk back into a deep dark place filled with thoughts of her at night, my days weren't so bad.

It was like my head wasn't a fan of peace, because as I had begun to do 'well' about three to four weeks later, I began seeing what looked like Fareedah's Benz around my hostel side. I often quickly look away, so I won't be tempted to see if she was truly the one and then stupidly approach her. Exams were approaching, and I really needed a clear head to pass my papers well. I didn't want to have to explain to my parents why I didn't do well and what I was doing in school. Unfortunately for me. I had made eye contact with her on an unfaithful day, which made my breath cease and my body tensed. I hadn't even had class that day, I simply stepped out to get food and on returning there she was, packed close to my hostel. I quickly averted my gaze, walking into the hostel like I hadn't seen her. My heart began racing, beating uncontrobally and my knees became weak. It was like I was going to collapse on the floor at any moment, but I made it to the room. Luckily for me, there was no one in the room apart from Inoma. I had immediately broken down, kneeling and placing my head on the bed when I dropped my food on the floor. "Enyi m, kedu ihe na-eme (My dear, what is wrong)?" Inoma had asked, sitting up as she placed her right palm on my back. "Did something remind you of her again?"

"She is downstairs," I said between tears, knowing that I sounded awful and looked a mess as I raised my head to further explain, "and the annoying part is that, I badly want to go and meet her. I am hoping she says she is sorry and want to be with me. That we will deal with what she is dealing with together, and that she is willing to work it out." I cried out loud, talking loud and with tears again as I said, "But deep down I know she is going to shut out the topic and want us to move on like nothing happened, and then she will do something stupid that will lead us to where we are again, or even me. But then, deep down I am hoping it happens irrespective, because of those little happy moments before the storm. Inoma, abum onye nzuzu maka nwata nwanyi a (I am a fool for this girl)." I wailed.

"Having feelings doesn't make you a fool, enyi," Inoma tried to console me, gently rubbing my back. "It is totally human. Okay?"

I didn't reply her, and kept crying. Soon, my tears began reducing, while Inoma excused herself, saying she has to quickly use the toilet. She left me alone with my thoughts, which was something I didn't want to happen at that moment. No matter how hard I tried and how much my head aches, every memory that flashed through my mind made me cry a lot more. I climbed the bed and curled up on it, crying my eyes out.

Nothing passes through Inoma that wouldn't get to Christopher. I didn't leave the hostel for about two days, doing everything I needed to do in the hostel, while Inoma did everything I needed to do out of the hostel for me. On stepping out on the fourth day, I began to notice I wasn't seeing her car anymore. And honestly, it made me feel a tightening in my chest, made me hate that it felt like she didn't care. How could she give up so easily? I couldn't help feeling pained by that.

Due to the recent occurrences, Christopher thought it right to get me to do something fun. "There is this cool lounge close to school, I heard that it is a banger," he had suggested to me. It wasn't like I had much of a choice, so I followed him and Inoma on a Friday night. Inoma dressed up in a red sequin mini skirt and a navy-blue top. While, I dressed up in an orange cargo pants with a black lace bralette. Christopher dresses in a sage green shirt and short. Deep down I knew it was a bad idea to decide to go with Inoma and Christopher, because no matter how hard they tried to include me in their show, they were still obviously all over each other. "Come on, loosen up a bit," Christopher had whispered into my ear, causing me to realize that Inoma wasn't there with us.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Leave me alone jhoor, where is Inoma?"

"She went to the toilet, and no, I am never leaving you."

"Abeg comot." We had reduced our physical touch since him and Inoma get together, in order to respect their friendship, but this didn't mean Christopher won't still be a fool. It was like he felt obligated to be the fool.

"Why?" he asked, pulled me into a side hug.

"Ment?" I asked, pushing him away, but he only pulled himself back. "Guy, no touch me." It was in fact as if I told him to touch me, he began pecking me all over my face, causing me to chuckle as I struggled to escape his touch. When he finally let me go, my heart felt lighter and relief, but it soon immediately sank right down to my belly when I came face to face with Fareedah who was looking at me like she had seen a ghost, from the bar. I knew I wasn't seeing things that weren't there, because I hadn't had any alcohol to drink that night. I quickly looked away, as I began to feel cold from the quick eye contact we shared.

"What is wrong? You look like you have seen a ghost," Inoma asked me as she returned, sitting on the other side on me.

I shook my head as I looked at the floor, fiddling with my phone in my hands.

"Oh no," I soon heard Inoma say, and then two black heels stepped in front of me and I was yanked up.

It all happened way too fast. One minutes I was trying to not make eye contact with Fareedah, the next I was outside the lounge, wondering why I so stupidly let her pull me outside like I had no sense of my own. "Who is that?" she asked with a stare so cold, I felt like I was going to freeze under her gaze.

My mind was still trying to process all that was going, when Inoma busted out. "I thought I told you to stay away?"

I frowned a bit at her words, looking at Inoma with a frown.

"Stay out of this please," Fareedah replied calmly, not looking away from as I had turned to look at her when she spoke.

"No, you stay out of our lives. You have brought more tears and sadness, than happiness, so please let her go. You've done enough. Leave."

"I can't." she looked at Inoma.

"You can. So do it."

"No."

"Oh my goodness, how selfish-" Inoma was cut off by a group of people who had just arrive, as they made loud noises when they arrive, walking into the lounge with laughter and jokes. It was enough time for me to gather my thoughts, and every thing that was going on sank in. I was mad, mad with both of them for acting like I didn't have a mind of my own.

The moment they all entered and it was like Inoma was about to go back to raising her voice, telling Fareedah how she should leave, I quickly spoke up, "Stop." That made both of them look my way. "When did all this happen?"

Inoma looked away, while Christopher stepped out of the lounge, walking to us.

"She had come down to talk to me, the one day you caught me hanging around your hostel," Fareedah had begun to explain, she still looked calm in all what was going on. "She had told me about how I should leave you alone, that you have been crying nonstop and would also go days without eating, crying instead. She begged me to let you go IF I didn't know what I wanted."

I frowned at Inoma. "Why?"

She looked up at me, her face wrinkling up in worry as she tried to find the words to explain, but kept stuttering.

"Because she was worried," Christopher hopped into the conversation. "I remember the night that she had done it. She had come to me panicking, hoping that you wouldn't be mad at her when you found out," he explained, "she said if all Fareedah did was make you cry, it was best that you guys find happiness apart."

"Stay out of this," Fareedah said so firming to Christopher, loosing her cool for the first time that night.

"No, you stay out of this," I replied her firmly, pointing at her with a frown before I looked back at Christopher and Inoma. I could see the shock evident in her eyes, even if she tried to hide it well; but at that point in time, I was mad at everyone. "And why didn't you tell me you had taken such a decision for me?"

"I'm sorry," Inoma simply replied, but then quickly added, "I was hurting also."

I could feel my anger for her quickly slip away. "I still feel like you should have told me, if you were making such an important decision for me, especially since you are well aware of how strongly I feel for the person." Inoma nodded, while I turned to Fareedah. "Why'd you pull me out?"

She looked at Inoma and Christopher, like she was signalling for them to leave, so I did it for her. "Thank you, I will catch up with you guys later," I told them, earning a nod from Christopher as he pulled Inoma – who was reluctant to leave me with her- away

"So, what is it?"

"Who is he?" she asked again.

I shrugged. "I do not understand why that is any of your concern. That is my business." I folded my arms on my chest, standing firm.

She frowned, turning to leave as she said, "Let's go home."

"Your home isn't my home," I told her. "And I will stay away from you and whatever is yours. You are your own person and I am my own person."

She turned abruptly, gripping my hands as she said, "Let us not do this here." She began pulling me to where her car was, which was a dim lit secluded area in the car park.

I yanked my arm from hers, putting some distance between us as I said, "There is no one here, so speak or I leave."

She still had her back towards me as she said, "Who is he, please just answer."

"And I am asking, how is it any of your business who he is?" I knew why she was asking, but if she wasn't going to be honest and out with what she wanted, then she wasn't ready and we still are stagnant.

She still didn't look at me as we both stood in silence for a while, the next time she spoke her voice was cracking like she had started crying. "Did you get a boyfriend so quick? In such a short time?"

"More than a month isn't a short time."

"It is, okay?" she said with an outburst, turning to look at her with her eyes reddened.

My heart quickly sank, and I felt bad. I felt bad that I hurt her. But, I decided I was going to be selfish this one time. Like Inoma had told her, if she wasn't ready then I didn't want her disturbing both our peace of mind. "And why are you bothered by this?"

She went silent, looking around, avoiding my gaze as she fiddled with her purse. "I-"

"Seems like you haven't figured it out, so I will be leaving." I turned to leave.

I had only taken two steps when she quickly said out loud, "Because I am jealousy okay?" she expressed, "I am jealous of the fact that you feel for someone else. I am angry in fact. I am very angry that you are letting someone experience what it is to be cherished and liked by you. I am pained. I do not want you laughing at what someone else is saying, or letting then kiss you." She frowned deeply.

"And why do you think all these are making you angry?" I asked, not making any move towards her.

She looked at me confused. "I do not know."

I nodded. "Then, return when you know." With that, I began walking away, but she didn't let me get far as she grabbed my right hand. I turned to look at her, smiling gently. I genuinely wasn't mad at her anymore, but I wanted that certainty. I wanted her to be sure of what she wanted and be willing to put in the effort. "I will unblock you, let me know when you know." I place my left hand on her hand in a comforting manner as I added, "I want to be there for you, okay? But I also want you to want me to be there for you. I want you to know what exactly you want." She lets her arm slip off mine, while I began to walk away. "Also, he is my best friend, nothing serious there," I added from afar with a smile, not turning back to look at her expression.

The discussion had honestly lifted a weight off my shoulder, and that made my night better. The only regret I had was that, I forgot to tell her that she looked absolutely stunning in her fitted midi royal blue dress, and that it made her skin pop. Inoma and Christopher tried to talk about her, but I told them I just wanted to have a good night, that we should all give it a rest, which they agreed to as we all simply had a good night.

I wasn't too joyous, but it was a good night for me.