"It's that time of year again," my co-worker warned with a tone of dread.

"What time of year?"

"Review time. Or didn't you get the memo from our boss?"

"Oh, that."

I tried not to think about it. My last review was a near disaster and embarrassing as hell. I felt like a school kid getting a bad report card – good grades but a poor attitude.

As part of the review process, we were to log into an HR computer program, answer a few questions, and write a self-assessment.

I didn't mind answering the dumb questions, but I had no idea what to write for the assessment. We were supposed to boast about our accomplishments, mention anything we learned, or improvements we made since our last review. I couldn't think of a single thing. First of all, I don't like to boast. If I did a good job, I expected my boss to notice. I shouldn't have to tell him. Secondly, If I underperformed, I would've thought he would be the first to know. And I would've fully expected him to tell me about it. I thought the whole self-assessment thing was either braggadocious or self-incriminating. So, I decided to take the 5th by leaving the section blank.

After discussing the topic with some of my colleagues, I began to feel uneasy about what I had done or, better yet, what I had failed to do. Knowing my boss to be a hard-nosed, by-the-book, serious, and nitpicky bastard, I should have known better.

The conversation around the office went something like this:

"You didn't write ANYTHING?"

"No. Why? I didn't think it was required."

"You didn't think it was required? How long have you known our boss? What the hell were you thinking?"

"So, what did you write?"

"Oh, just the usual bullshit – the projects I worked on and the online classes I took."

"Yeah, no offense, but I didn't want to write 'bullshit' as you so casually call it."

"It's your funeral."

When my boss read my review, he was quietly taken aback. "Did you see this section?" he asked, pointing to a blank page of my review he had printed.

"Yes."

"So, why didn't you write anything?"

"I didn't know it was a requirement. I thought it was just a space for comments in case we had anything to add to our answers to the questions."

"Well, no. It's not required, but I want everyone's feedback. It helps me perform a fair review. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir. I get it now."

"Well, I'm giving you a good review only because you've done an excellent job with the projects you worked on. But next time, write a few words about yourself."

This year, I wrote 6-pages. The custom was one page or less. I included copious details of every project I worked on. But I was afraid my boss might object and flip out.

Instead, he commented, "Nice write-up!" failing to see the sarcasm.

Copyright © 2024 by Michael DeFrancesco