No matter what I do, I miss Jake like hell. Seeing him in classes doesn't make it any easier. At least we are in for winter break very soon. Hope that will ease the pain.

But what do I do after it? I know I can't keep hiding from him for ever. And things are going to get worse.

Seriously I have no idea what to do, how to go on from here. There's so much pain within me tearing me apart and all I want to do is crumble down, cry and let the world swallow me up.

Since the day of the accident, I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm not the strong fighter Sam anymore. I'm a defeated girl, who has lost everything even herself. Everyone in my life has built up a wall of lies and secrets around me.

The whole last five years of my life has been one huge ball of lies.

It's not like I don't understand Jake, he was fifteen and from what I heard under a great pressure. Guess I would have done the same to protect my family. But he had enough time to tell me the truth while we started bonding again. I mean he did tell me a part of it. As much as it would have hurt to hear the full story, it's not his fault.

The only fault laying on Jake and Emi is lying to me. With Emi it cuts even deeper, as she had so much time and never ever even mentioned a thing or showed any kind of guilt. Did she overplay it, because she knew all along how much I hated Jake for his lies? Was she afraid I'd hate her too? She even warned me about Jake, never ever thought about warning me about her own lies. Within one week I had lost everything I loved and believed in, my Grams, my bestie, my boyfriend and it hurts so badly. Even part of my own identity has been simply washed away.

Or did both of them just simply think they couldn't trust me? I get they don't want their parents to go to jail. And I would never ever blame them, for what their parents did. Their parents killed my mum, it's something I will never be able to forgive and yet can't change, despite having any proof. Their fucking parents are even to blame for my rape never being charged.

Evans is right, Emi and Jake are victims, just as I am. The only difference is, they knew the whole story and at least partially had the choices. While I was left in the dark and had to take what they all dealt me. And now I am living the consequences.

To top it off, now I need to get some things sorted badly as soon as possible. One of the first things I did this week, was to phone the real estate. I never wanted to set a foot back into the village in the first place. And after all I know now, even less. Although I want nothing to do with the money that was payed to keep my rape a secret, I also know I will need that money badly. Just hope I can get a good price, after all the fixing up Grams and I did.

And Jake? No idea, how I am to deal with him. He needs to know so much and yet I am not prepared to talk to him. Although it's so hard not to seek his comfort.

Evans is my only light at the moment, even if I know how much toll it's taking on him too. He's Jake's best mate and he's suffering because of both of us. Our relationship has changed too, he's become a comforting best friend.

As far as I could gather, he's also dealing more with my accident than he would like to let on. He never tells me much about that, but from what I know he was there too and nearly watched me die right in front of him. The docs told me how severe my injuries were and how they fought for my life hours and days. When I wanted to thank the paramedics for saving me, they told me Jake and Evans had saved my life in the first place. Jake had told me parts about the accident too and I remember calling Evans while having the accident. From what I've heard both of them, Jake and Evans saw me in a terrible state and dragged me out of a burning car, surely a sight that wasn't too pleasant.

Two days left before winter break. Getting out of bed, is even more a horror now, even if it's been seven and a half weeks, all my bones still ache, especially in this stupid bed. The shower in this bed and breakfast is terrible, I hope I don't need to stay here for too long. As far as I know, Emi will be gone during the winter break, to spend the time at her parents. So I decided once Evans has checked it out for me, I could at least spend the winter break in our apartment, giving me some space and saving money. And if I'm lucky once the house is sold I will get my own apartment here suiting my own needs.

The pain is enormous again this morning and it takes all my willpower to even leave the house. The slippery roads aren't exactly helping with the crutches either. My head feels twice the size again today and the cold is causing pain on every scar.

Not wanting to risk puking during class, I decide to skip breakfast and only go for a black tea. I've found a cafe near this place where I buy a hot chocolate to go on my way. Avoiding Jake, also means avoiding my favourite cafe, but this one will do for the moment.

As usual I am way too early for class. After class I would like to hand Professor Williams my novel and the other work I need to hand in. Fuck I am already dreading fighting to get myself down those stairs and back up again. My doctors and even the college thought it may be better to repeat the class after winter break, not my intention though. At least one of my plans needs to work. Besides I need and want to get things done as soon as possible. No way, all this bullshit is going to destroy my dream with this college.

"Hey, how are you today Skater girl?", Jake's voice appears next to me.

The same question he's asked me since the second day I've been back, a question I've learned to ignore even if it hurts every single time. Instead of sitting down next to me, as he usually does, he moves one row down. Is he changing seats now as he has realized I am not answering anymore? My heart feels heavy with this thought, even if it shouldn't. To my surprise, he stops right in front of my table, he moves to look underneath my cap and hoodie which is shielding my face. Seeing his green eyes, while he is focused on mine, feels like a deep sharp pain and tears start welling up in my eyes immediately. And then he does something unexpected, he lays a hoodie of his on my table. His eyes linger on mine for a second, before moving back to his seat next to me without saying a single word.

Fucking Evans told him about the hoodie, right?

"Evans told you?", I ask with a shaky voice, taking Jake by surprise.

I think he feels taken aback by hearing my voice, as I hear him clear his throat and it takes him a moment to answer.

"He said you need a new one. Well not new, but you know....", he stutters.

"Fucking, traitor", I huff and I hear a small chuckle escape Jake's mouth.

His chuckle.... it's too much, tears start rolling down my face and I sniff while pulling my hoodie even further into my face.

"I never meant to hurt you Sam", he whispers.

Fuck I am crying in the middle of our class. Thank god there are only a very few students here at the moment and my hoodie is shielding me fairly well. My head lies down on the table, while I wrap my arms around his hoodie. The scent hits me straight away, the one I have from him, has lost most of his scent. This one smells as if he has only worn it and taken it off freshly. It's full of him. My hands dig into the fabric tight, while my head dips into it taking in his scent while on the other hand my sobs are muzzled by it.

Jake's hand lands on my back. No I can't give into him as much as I miss him.

"Don't Jake", I warn him.

His hand pulls back and his body leans away from me again only making me want to cry even more.

"I'm here Sam and I am not leaving you, no matter how hard you are trying to push me away."

He says that now. Wait till you change your mind Jake. Everyone leaves me and it's not going to take you long until you realize I am no good for you. I'm simply not strong enough to tell him right now.

The last few days, he's given up talking after a couple of none replied sentences. Today he doesn't seem to give in. Even after Professor Williams has entered the class, Jake talks in between to me. Guess my reaction to his hoodie, has showed him how much I still feel for him.

"You have every right to be angry. Believe me, I hate myself and my family for what we all did to you."

Oh Jake, I hate your family and if I could hate you it would make things so much easier, instead I still love you. I don't want to love you. No matter how hard I am trying not to love you, it's impossible. Grams would hate me for loving you, that's one of the reasons I can't give in, but gosh I love you with all my soul Jake. Something I will never be able to tell you though. A song from Nickleback comes straight to my mind, ....trying not to love you, only makes me love you more....

"You know what? Until a couple of weeks ago, the worst day in my life was when I couldn't help you with what happened", I know he isn't saying the word rape just in case someone is listening in on him. Someone other than me. "The day and weeks after I left you were a horror. But when I nearly lost you, when I saw that fucking car in flames, when I held your limp blood covered body in my arms and then had to watch the paramedics fight for your life, when your life was slipping away in front of me, that was my worst moment ever in life. It was worse than any nightmare could ever be. So no matter how angry you are, no matter how much you hate me, I am so thankful you are here right now."

"Please stop talking Jake", I plead quiet and he does. Because if he would keep it up, I'd break down right here on the spot. The pain of missing him is so unbearable.

During the rest of the class he stays silent. Once the class is over I slip my heavy backpack with all my work over the shoulder and fight my way down to Professor Williams with my crutches.

"What are you doing?", I hear Jake asking worried next to me. I didn't even realize he was following me, as I was so concentrated enduring the pain.

Ok, Evans told me not to totally ignore Jake, right? Well, I did say two sentences to him today. One more isn't going to harm.

"Handing in my work."

"I see the pain written all over your face, those stairs are too much for you. I'm sure he'd come up here too. Or let me hand it in for you."

I shake my head. The moment I realize Jake wants to call out loud, I drop one of the crutches and my hand automatically clasps against his mouth to keep it shut. Damn I feel his warm, soft, full lips pressed against my hand sending sensations through my body I don't want to feel. Shit who am I kidding, of course I want to feel them, but it simply isn't meant to be.

Jake looks just as much taken aback by this as I am, his eyes dart within seconds from my eyes down to my lips, lingering there.

"Sorry", I mumble while pulling my hand away.

Without even saying another word Jake lifts me off my feet and starts carrying me down the stairs, making everyone turn around at us.

"Jake", I huff with a scowl on my face.

"You can be mad at me later Sam. Now I am making sure you stubborn girl, can hand in your homework without torturing your body even more."

There's no chance of getting out of this right now anyway, oh but I so feel like kicking his balls right now.

Professor Williams face is surprised and amused at the same time when Jake walks me up to him. "Mr. Baker, Miss Jones, an unusual way to appear at my desk."

"Not on my own free will, I can assure that Sir. I would have made it down here myself."

"She needed to hand in some work, thought I'd make sure she could make it here", Jake says with a sheepish smile on his face. Oh wait for it Jacob Baker, you are in trouble now, I'm not going to let this one slip.

"Well then I am glad to take it in. Can't wait to read your work Miss Jones. I am sure you have some interesting things to tell us in your novel", he eyes Jake, shakes his head and chuckles.

Did our Professor honestly just chuckle about this? Great now I feel like kicking my prof's balls too. Alright I have to admit, right now I feel like the real Sam for the first time in weeks.

Jake carries me back up the stairs again, right to where he left my crutches behind.

"Jacob Baker, you do realize I am ready to kill you right now?", he lets me down and chuckles again.

It's the first time I realize his face looks just as hollow as mine, but for a few seconds there's this spark in his eyes. I take my crutches and use one to hit him fairly strong against his shin.

"What the fuck? You are breaking my leg", he complains.

"Might teach you, not to carry me against my will again", I say while walking out on him.

A/N: Even if it's only been a few chapters in between, it seems to me like it's been ages I've written from Sam's point of view. Do you you understand she is fighting her real feelings? What do you think is holding her back the most at the moment? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Did you get that tiny feeling of the feisty Sam we all know?

Please don't forget to leave your comments and a vote. Thanks!❤