The Seonyudo Bridge pathway is always lit up by small lights along the railings at night.  I thought that more people were going to be here, but it's just me.

finally

i

am all

alone.

but

haven't i

always been?

I toss my hood off my head.  I've always thought that the Han River looked dark and dreary at night.  It's perfect.

I haul myself over the chill metal railing and watch the waves of the blackish water just below my feet. I pull a long, white zip tie from my jacket pocket and use my mouth to help encircle my wrists with it. I insert the flat end into the small hole on the opposite side just enough for me to be able to grab and pull it taught with my front teeth.

With numb hands, I take a second zip tie out of my pocket and zip my ankles together.

With blurred vision, I took one last, blurry look at the city lights. I wipe my cheek on my shoulder, but alas, new tears replace the old and trickle down my cold, damp cheeks.

It's been so long since I let myself cry like this. "I love you guys..." I whisper, hoping that my words will travel through the atmosphere and make their way to my brother, my mother, my father, Hoseok, and Yoongi. "...but I'm tired."

no

more.

no

more

tears.

I lean forward, bend my knees, and launch myself forward like a useless, broken plank being tossed in the fire.

It takes only seconds to slice through the air; my world gone in a blur. My face hit The Black first, the rest of my body becoming submerged in the blink of an eye.

Despite how ready I am for this moment, it still terrifies me to the core. No matter what I do, I keep sinking further and further into The Black. I've been holding my breath and now my heartbeat is deafening and my chest is threatening to explode.

Bubbles escape my mouth as my body begs for me to breathe. Fight or flight kicks in and my organs go into survival mode. I'm no longer in control.

The Black is like fire in my lungs--ironic considering water and fire are total opposites. My lungs collapse as my limbs desperately thrash around, attempting to reach the surface. These efforts to live were moot. I had already sealed my fate with zip ties.

Suddenly, everything stops. My limbs give up. I give up. I'm drowning. I'm actually drowning. I'm seconds away from the afterlife, yet only one thought occupies my mind: Yoongi I love you, too.