As an athlete when you're in a slump, you may be advised by your coach or trainer to "go back to basics."

But Malia wasn't just any coach or trainer, and this wasn't just any slump. A slump implied that things would steadily start to improve. This was more like a grave - if I didn't find a way out, I would probably be buried for good in the company of dirt and worms. Basics were the equivalent of trying to dig my way out with my hands, and I needed a shovel.

I was in the third heat of the elimination round against wildcard replacement Luanna De Petris, and I tensed up as Alyssa Diaz stomped up the beach after being eliminated.

"Sets are looking better today," Malia said as she made sure to give Alyssa side eye when she walked past us.

I nodded in acknowledgement as I continued stretching my calves. I knew Malia took my silence as discontent, and she let out a heavy sigh.

"Look at me," she gently lifted my chin to her as I stood up. "Forget strategy, forget game plan, forget it all. I just want you throwing your best tricks as hard as you can."

"Going down in spectacular fashion?" I cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Something like that," she smirked. "If you do go down, at least you'll know you did every single god damn thing you could. But...when you move on, it'll only instill in you the confidence that you can do it again, and again, and again. Whatever you think your ceiling is, I promise it's higher. I promise."

She gave my shoulders a quick squeeze before retreating up the ramp to the staging area deck that gave her a better vantage point of the water. As I tucked my surfboard under my arm and began to make my way down the beach, I caught the sigh of Carissa on one of the decks. She had no reason to be there since regular heats didn't resume until tomorrow, but that was just like Carissa. Her competitive switch didn't have an off setting. When she saw me looking at her, she smirked.

"Don't choke," she mouthed at me - a nod to what she said to me in our final in Cornwall before I busted my ankle. But there was no maliciousness to it this time. It was a dare. Don't choke...so I can meet her in the final. 

REIGNING CHAMP MEETS FORMER CHAMP IN EPIC BELLS BEACH FINAL

After a disastrous start that dropped her into the elimination zone, two-time world champ Savannah Allen has proven she still has some tricks up her sleeve after lifting herself out of the elimination round and powering through the quarterfinals and the semis to meet defending world champion Carissa Keli'i, who has dominated at the historic Bowl at Bells Beach in the past. Weather may be a factor tomorrow as a storm off the coast could produce higher than normal winds and the type of swells that surfers call their spouses and partners to say "I'm not coming home this weekend!"

"Was there ever a time you actually hated Callahan?"

I had my phone propped up on a pillow in my cushy, king-sized hotel room bed, watching Atlas through the screen as he let out a heavy, contemplative sigh. Even though it was only 2 PM in Monaco, he was laying down in his bed too, and if I squinted hard enough and ignored the streams of afternoon light coming through the window behind him, it was almost like he was laying next to me.

"I mean, maybe in my own 11-year-old version of hate when he took my racing line and ran me off the track at our world championship karting final," Atlas replied with a faint smirk. "Why? What have you been reading?"

"No, nothing," I shook my head. "It's just...this whole thing with me and Carissa, I feel like I should hate her but...I really don't. Especially after talking to her this weekend. Something about what she said and the way she said it just really hit me. She didn't bullshit me, and I feel like maybe that was what I really needed."

Atlas smirked again. "They say no one knows you better than your eternal rival does."

That got a laugh out of me. "Okay Seto Kaiba, now you're just being dramatic."

Atlas furrowed his brows at me. "You know your geeky anime references go right over my head."

"Can't help it," I smiled. "You and your anti-hero vibes make it too easy."

Atlas shifted in the bed, and I was fixated on the way his chest heaved as he tried to find his next words. "Well contrary to popular belief and whatever side of the coin the media wants to put me on, rivalries can be healthy. When you remove all of the outside noise, all of the bullshit and all of the people that just want to see you fight with someone because it's entertaining...you're left with a person whose very existence pushes you to be better, just because you want to be better than them."

I pulled at some of the cream-colored tassels on the pillow I was laying on as I let Atlas's words sink in. "I never really thought of it like that. I keep thinking the only person I have to beat out and fight with is my past self."

"You can't think of yourself as an enemy, it's only going to hurt you," Atlas sighed, and a deep stoic look glazed over his eyes.

"Atlas Vaughn, when did you get so wise?" I chided him with a grin, hoping it would unravel him just a bit. It was obvious enough talking about his relationship with Callahan wound up his nerves, but even though a tiny phone screen, I wanted him to know that even if he did unravel, I'd be there to gather the threads.

"I'm always wise, I just can't let everyone be privy to that because then it ruins that whole anti-hero schtick," he cracked a grin of his own, and I let out a small relieved sigh as he continued.

"I don't think of Cal as an enemy either, but when I'm behind him, literally just seeing the back of his car in front of me pushes me in a way I don't think I could push myself. All I think about is catching him and passing him, and I'm sure he feels the same way when he's chasing me. But when you're far out in front, and you lose sight of what you're after, you can start to lose momentum without even realizing it. I think as competitors we all need somebody that can give that to us...and I'm thankful I have Cal for that."

Atlas paused and pinched his lips into a frown when he saw the way I beamed at the way he spoke about Callahan. I knew they didn't hate each other, but it was nice to feel the genuine endearment they had for each other too, and maybe having that was a piece of my professional surfing life I didn't even know I was missing. I had been on top with no contention until my injury, and now that I was recovered, I had been sitting alone out in open water, and needed something - or someone - to chase.

Atlas huffed. "Don't ever tell him I said that."

I laughed again. "My lips are sealed."

"And they're beautiful, and I think about kissing them all the time."

In the blink of an eye, Atlas was back to being just Atlas. Light from the window behind him cast a halo around his head, and I let the words leave me without trying to stop them.

"I miss you so much, Atlas."

He lifted his head up, almost like he was trying to decipher if he'd actually just heard me say that, and locks of white hair fell gracefully onto his forehead. "I miss you too."

We slipped into a comfortable silence, just looking at each other as if even 2000 miles away we were the only two people in our universe. If I closed my eyes and listened to him breathing, I could pretend he was right there with me.

"It's late," Atlas finally said in a soft whisper. "You should go to sleep."

"Thank you," I sighed out. "For what you said about you and Cal. I think I understand what I need to do now."

Atlas smiled a perfect, white-toothed smile. "Good, I'm glad. I don't need to tell you good luck tomorrow. Luck is for losers, and that's not you."

I rolled my eyes, still grinning. "Thanks Alpha Atlas. Always a pleasure."

"I mean it. Goodnight, Savannah."

And the screen went dark. I laid in bed in silence for a little while longer, thinking not about the finals tomorrow, or Carissa's flawless carving turns, but just about how much I loved hearing Atlas call me Savannah, and I went to sleep happy.

For one last time, the intro to Hells Bells by AC/DC rang out above the gentle sloshing of the waves against the shore of the Bowl - the more nefarious section of Bells Beach that was known for messier waves and stronger winds. I could go a whole year without ever needing to hear that song again.

Malia and I continued our "no strategy" strategy, and before I made my way to the water, she just gave me a squeeze and told me that no matter the outcome today, she was proud of me, and my heart swelled. I was proud of myself too, and it almost felt foreign, like a sickness or a disease, but it was just confidence living in my body again where it thought it could no longer thrive.

I jumped into the water and paddled out into the lineup, and much like most of the weekend, the water was as calm and still as glass, but out on the horizon, there was a turbulence to the water akin to a small storm. A few minutes into the heat without waves, and gusts of wind began to churn the water underneath us. I glanced over at Carissa, who kept her gaze out towards the swell.

Every time I looked at her, all I could picture was her near perfect wave in the semi-finals that knocked Brit out of the event. Every carve off the top of the wave, every perfect layback hack burned into my memory. I thought about what Atlas said when he'd chase after the back of Callahan's car, and I positioned myself in the lineup to sit right behind Carissa, eyes locked in on the back of her red #23 jersey so I could chase her too.

Almost 15 minutes went by before a set swelled up in the wind, and Carissa outpaddled me for the first wave, forcing me to back off and float over the top. Just like her heat against Brit, every move she made was too fluid and too perfect, and I found myself gripping the edges of my board in frustration. I scrambled for the second wave in the set, which was nowhere near as powerful as the wind whipped up spray in every direction, forcing me to drop into the wave almost blind. I nearly lost my footing on the drop in and could barely connect two carving turns together before the wave fizzled underneath me.

The first scores came through, with my meager 3.8 to Carissa's 7.5. When I rejoined Carissa in the lineup, she sent me another devilish smirk.

"That's all?" she called over to me. "You're not even going to give me a challenge?"

I exhaled a tense breath as I looked over at her, her dark hair wet and clinging to her red event jersey. Bright red...like the back of a Ferrari race car. No, I wasn't going to give her a challenge. I was going to give her a chase.

"Well it's no fun for either of us if I just dominate from the jump," I called back. "20 minutes is still a long time, even out here."

The sky darkened, and light drops of rain began to dot my surfboard. Carissa paddled forward, readying herself to exercise her priority positioning against me as another set rolled in. The wind kicked up again, and as Carissa carved out another deep turn and snapped her board up into the top of the wave, she was pushed backward off her board and went tumbling down into the water.

We exchanged waves the way boxers exchanged punches - the way Atlas and Cal exchanged positions in every race - throwing everything we had into each wave that rolled through, often resulting in falls or miscalculations. We were evenly matched, and it ignited something in me. That thing that Atlas was telling me about - someone who could naturally push you to be better. To be better than you were yesterday...or 15 minutes ago.

With 5 minutes left in the heat, Carissa roped in a decent backup score of a 5.6, making her total to beat a 13.1. I needed a near perfect score, and as I eyed a set swelling in the distance, I resigned myself to the moment. I dove forward for the first wave, kicking spray up into my face as rain continued to fall. They weren't going to call it now. Not when there were two girls out there surfing for their lives. What was a little more water going to do?

I dropped into the wave and immediately carved up a backhand snap, kicking more spray and more rain into the air like fireworks. As I furiously drove down the wave, I didn't think about falling or losing. I thought about being able to go home and walk Sam for the first time in almost two weeks. I thought about going to London and having matching costumes for Halloween with Gemma, which we hadn't done in years together. And I thought about Atlas, who just might have been thinking about me too. It powered me forward, further down the wave as I seamlessly connected turn after turn with zero hesitation before finally throwing myself up into one final upwards hack as the wave detonated underneath me.

I kept my center of gravity low, desperate to escape the explosion of whitewater and finish my ride cleanly. When my vision cleared and I tasted clean air, all I could do was drop off my board into the water. But not in defeat or failure. It was in knowing I'd just given that wave everything I had, and I'd accepted that. But god damn it acceptance was exhausting.

When I paddled back to the lineup, the time I sat on the water waiting for my score to come in felt like an eternity. Carissa and I exchanged wary glances as the water calmed and the rain simmered to a drizzle, and the waves died off. Then the horn sounded loudly along the beach, signaling the end of the heat.

It wasn't until I paddled back to the beach I realized how out of breath I was. When I was led up to the boardwalk where Malia was waiting for me, she instantly threw herself into my arms. I left soaking wet spots from my jersey and my hair on her t-shirt, but she didn't seem to care as she cupped my face in her hands.

"You are the luckiest, the canniest, and the most reckless girl I ever knew."

I barked out a laugh. "Did you just quote Lord of the Rings at me?"

Malia responded with more laughter. "Hell might freeze over too, but only after you ring that bell."

I took a step back from her, bewilderment clearly apparent on my face. I'd been so busy living in the moment on the wave, I hadn't realized how much I didn't expect to win. "W-what?"

Static crackled over the loudspeaker. "Savannah Allen flips it at the end with a 9.3 to bring her final total to 13.2. Your 2021 Bells Beach winner, Sav Allen."

This time it was me throwing myself back into Malia's arms, and I yelled in triumph into her shoulder, allowing myself to let out everything I'd been holding in. I let go of resentment. I let go of self-doubt. And I let go of past me. She was a herald of woe, and she was no longer welcome here.

The first person to come up and congratulate me was Carissa, who looped me into a one-armed hug and said, "Don't worry, I'll get you next time."

We shared a chuckle as we were led to the podium stand, where the men's trophies were being handed out as well.

When they handed me that big bell, I took a moment to let it sink in. That bell didn't belong to Hell, or Australia's infamous beaches, or even Carissa Keli'i (although she got a small version of the bell for coming in 2nd place). Right now, it belonged to former world champ Savannah fucking Allen, who did in fact ring the bell with extreme gusto. 

don't you cry
it only hurts when you look with your eyes
a thousand years have passed from day to night
from death to light
when we feel like the world's caving in
we will never give in

restless souls / angels & airwaves

this is where i would apologize for back to back chapters with high levels of surf content and minimal atlas content but...i'm not sorry. sav is a professional surfer, and this is in fact *her* story, so it would be kinda weird if that type of content wasn't consistently included. yes we all love atlas, and yes this is a romance, but it's also a hell of a lot more, and i'm proud of that. this is a story about romantic love, but also self-love and acceptance, friendship, who we are when the spotlight dims, and how we treat ourselves when we're alone with our thoughts. 

i've had a lot of intense anxiety and mental health struggles the last month or so stemming from a lot of different things, and one of the things i've been trying to work on is how i speak to myself. one thing i've learned to do is when i have an anxious thought spiraling, i ask myself "who told you that?" and often times the answer is nobody. we're typically the ones that flood our own heads with negative thoughts like that, and when we realize that, we can then work with ourselves to lessen them.

and also quote lord of the rings regularly because that counts as ✨self care✨