[ xxvi. cracked and scattered ]

june 30th, 2012

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THE LOUD CHATTER AND different octaves of laughter enveloped Astrid's ears as she and her fellow survivors congregated around a modest table adorned with bowls brimming with food. The Lancaster woman moved in tandem with her hunter as they shuffled buffet-style down the line, each hefty spoonful shared between them a testament to their extreme appetite. However, Astrid's other senses remained hyperaware, as she purposely disregarded Rick, a presence behind her who stood far too close for comfort.

Talking with him was out of the question. After what he had done, Astrid could not even look at him. How could he have committed such a selfish act? Rick Grimes had all but shattered her illusions of their friendship.

Her anger, however, was also now eclipsed by self-reproach. She questioned her own naivety, her obliviousness to the emotions her leader had harbored for her. Bitterly, unwantedly, visions of an alternate reality plagued her thoughts all over again, causing her to squirm uncomfortably within her own skin. Daryl was the one she loved, unequivocally and without reservation.

At the end of the table, Astrid's fingers reached out to grab a water bottle, and they inadvertently brushed against Rick's hand as he reached for one as well. The contact sent a shiver down her spine, her hand recoiling as if scorched, her gaze plummeting to the ground beneath her feet. The weight of Rick's intense stare bore into her, and with hurried haste, she averted her attention and set off towards her hunter, who had already made himself comfortable on a church pew.

The Lancaster woman managed to force a semblance of a smile as she settled down beside him, her plate nestled on her lap as she proceeded to dig in. The food was rich and creamy on her tongue, finally satisfying her once insatiable hunger.

Elsewhere, the church was aglow with the soft luminescence of candles, casting long shadows in the hallowed space. Beyond the confines of the sanctuary, nightfall's darkness reigned supreme, the quiet so very different from the celebration unfolding within.

Each bite Astrid consumed was an attempt to redirect her thoughts to the love of her life who sat beside her. Her gut churned with the secret she had no choice but to bear. Because how on earth could she really tell Daryl that Rick had kissed her? There was no possible way to divulge such a revelation without invoking a heartbreaking catalyst of some sort.

"What're you lookin' at?" A raspy voice shattered her reverie, pulling her abruptly from the depths of her thoughts. Astrid's eyes hastily refocused and locked onto Daryl's dark blue stare. She swallowed with deliberate slowness and shifted her attention back to the meal laid out before her.

"Nothing," She reassured.

Daryl's tongue danced briefly over his lips, and he reached out, gently tucking a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. "You okay?" He asked softly.

Meeting his stare once more, Astrid felt the quiver of her lower lip. Perhaps now, amidst the company of many, actually was the opportune moment to reveal what had happened. Her hunter's unpredictable nature was a source of her anxiety. She feared the potential consequences, the violence that could befall Rick or Daryl when they inevitably fought. Her heart clenched at the thought of herself as the source behind the crumbling of their deep-seated bond. She could not be responsible for that.

Yet, before Astrid could dare to speak, a sudden clearing of the throat resonated through the room, an abrupt intrusion. "I'd like to propose a toast," Abraham announced.

The ambiance of the room instantly shifted as a hush descended. Daryl cast Astrid another concerned glance as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer to his chest. A sigh brushed over her skin as he muttered, almost imperceptibly, "And here we go."

Suppressing a rising chuckle at his annoyance, Astrid nestled deeper into the secure cocoon of her hunter's embrace. Her gaze traced the retreat of the group from the table, as the stragglers found their respective places, most finding seats on the pews, while others settled on the floor to stay close to their own loved ones. As Astrid's eyes wandered, hers inadvertently connected with Rick's. He, too, sat on the floor, cradling little Judith in his lap. For a moment, a subtle undercurrent seemed to pass between them, a silent acknowledgment of what they both now wrestled with.

Finally, she tore her eyes away and directed her attention back to the fiery-haired Abraham, who was now standing. "I look around this room and I see survivors. Each and every one of you has earned that title," He began, raising a glass with a cheeky grin playing on his lips. "To the survivors."

"Survivors!"

A triumphant chorus of cheers erupted, punctuated only by the melodious clinking of cups throughout the room.

"Now, is that all you want to be?" Abraham questioned, ushering in another disquieting silence from onlookers. "Wake up in the morning, fight the undead pricks, forage for food, go to sleep at night with two eyes open, rinse and repeat?" He swallowed. "Because you can do that. I mean, you've got the strength. You've got the skill. Thing is, for you people, for what you can do, that's just surrender. Now, we get Eugene to Washington, and he will make the dead die, and the living will have this world again. That is not a bad takeaway for a little road trip." Abraham turned toward his mullet-haired comrade. "Eugene, what's in D.C.?" He prompted.

All eyes in the room fixated on the scientist. Eugene paused, swallowing down a mouthful before speaking. "Infrastructure constructed to withstand pandemics even of this FUBAR magnitude," He answered. "That means food, fuel, refuge. A restart."

Astrid's spine tingled with the daunting journey that surely lay ahead. Yet, despite her own apprehensions, Abraham's smile persisted. "However this plays out, however long it takes for the reset button to kick in, you can be safe there. Safer than you've been since this whole thing started. Come with us. Save the world for that little one," He implored, a solemn nod toward baby Judith, who was cradled in her father's embrace. "And save it for yourselves," He added. "Save it for the people out there who don't got nothing left to do except survive."

A hushed pause hung in the air, as each within the room seemed to wrestle with the gravity of Abraham's proposition. The fate of their fragile community seemingly teetered on a cliff. Then, Rick's chuckle interrupted the stillness, as Judith's soft, cooing painted a picture of hope.

"What was that?" He teased his unsuspecting daughter. His jest elicited another ripple of quiet laughter throughout the room.

But for Astrid, Rick's voice held a burden she was unable to ignore. His words, the first she had heard since their heated exchange, drew her focus. A warm smile played upon her leader's lips as he looked over her, and turned back to Abraham, his declaration decisive and heartfelt.

"Well, I think she knows what I'm about to say. She's in. If she's in, I'm in . . . We're in."

With those words, the group's fate was sealed. Cheers once again sounded—and Astrid's were included. Because although Astrid did not believe in a promised restart, she did believe in a new adventure. They would no longer be prisoners of a never-ending cycle within the confines of Georgia. They were embarking on a journey towards something greater. They were going to Washington.

Astrid smiled as Daryl squeezed her body tight. "You know," She drawled to him, tilting her head back. "I've always wanted to see the White House."

Daryl chuckled and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Gettin' our honeymoon," He snickered. "We've got dibs on the Oval Office."

Astrid's cheeks ignited in a rosy blush. Her eyes swept back across the church, tracing the diverse group of survivors as they returned to their meals, the echoes of Abraham's speech still reverberating in the air. Yet, despite the newfound sense of purpose, her attention was inexorably drawn back to Rick Grimes.

Once again, their eyes locked, and he held her with a fervor that left her unsettled. It was as though he was silently pleading for a chance to speak. The desire to understand the motivations behind his actions tugged at the Lancaster woman, but the chasm of betrayal seemed insurmountable. She would have liked to mend their fracturing, but how could she ever look at him the same way again? The man who had been her closest friend now felt like a stranger.

Suddenly, overwhelmed by her own thoughts, Astrid rose from her seat. She made her way to the farthest window from the group, seeking solace in the shadows that clung to the boarded-up glass. She gently brushed aside a stray wisp of her hair, an unconscious habit as she readied herself for the inevitable.

Footsteps sounded behind her, and she recognized the familiar approach all too well, bringing a sigh to her lips. She needed to know. Astrid's voice quivered as she asked all over again, "How could you?"

"I shouldn't have," Rick replied lowly. "But I couldn't hold it in anymore."

"That is no excuse," She denied.

"It wasn't supposed to be," He admitted.

Astrid spun to face him, her eyes wide, brimming with incredulity. "Then why did you do it?" She demanded sharply, the pain seeping through her words. "What made you snap?"

"I don't know!" Rick cried, yet his volume was restrained enough to keep their private conversation hidden from the rest of the group. "I've cared for you for so long, and I've always been confused by it. But when I watched you go under the water . . . I finally realized what I was feeling—and I thought you had died. I thought you had died, and I would never get the chance to say it out loud."

Astrid's brow furrowed, perplexed by the revelation. "I didn't need to hear it! Why on earth would I ever need you to tell me something like that?" She practically snarled.

Rick suddenly grew sterner, too, matching her intensity. "Do you think I wanted this?" He threw back. "I never thought I—"

"Daryl is your best friend," Astrid snapped, her teeth clenched in frustration.

"I know," Rick murmured, a shadow of regret washing over his features. "And I understand—"

"You don't understand a damn thing! He's my fiancé!" She growled. Surprise quickly overtook Rick, as if her words had seared through him. "We're engaged, Rick. And you kissed me. You think you feel bad? How do you think I feel? How dare you put me in between you two?" The man's evident shock quickly evolved into guilt, but she could not stop herself. She wanted to tear him apart. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry," He whispered.

Astrid glared into Rick's eyes as she forced out the final, damning words. "Sorry isn't enough."

And with that, she pushed past her leader, her heart in disarray, her universe shaken to its core. As she made her way outside of the church, away from prying eyes, she dashed towards the trees and bent over a bush, her stomach heaving as sobs racked her body. The world seemed to close in, and she felt as if she were drowning in a sea of regrets and guilt. When the wrenching episode subsided, she pulled back, leaning heavily against a tree.

What had she done? Her anger and hurt had torn away at everything. Now, it was her fault. She had pushed her best friend away when he was only trying to help them ultimately survive this. But every word Rick had offered, Astrid had taken and thrown back as weapons against him.

Taking another moment to regain her composure, she soon pushed away from the trunk but turned her attention toward the unsettling snarls of a nearby walker. Swiftly, she drew her knife from its sheath and instantly took it to the ground. Once her task was complete, she retrieved her knife and took a moment to survey her surroundings, only to realize she was standing in the middle of an eerily desolate road. Beneath the light of the moon, her eyes landed on a small black car parked idly in the left lane, its surface caked in dust.

Astrid approached the vehicle, her hands tracing its dusty contours. She wondered whether Gabriel had abandoned it or if someone else had left it behind. So many mysteries behind such a seemingly ordinary vehicle. She supposed, however, that everything left behind in this world had its own story now.

Suddenly, the Lancaster woman heard the snapping of twigs from behind, followed by the all-too-familiar moans and groans that had become an accompaniment to her daily existence. She instinctively pulled her knife back out and whirled around towards the rustling trees, yet the approaching walker was now slumped lifeless at her feet, a lethal arrow tearing through the base of its rotting skull.

Astrid bent down to retrieve the arrow before standing up once more, her eyes locking onto the figure emerging from the shadows. Daryl Dixon stepped out of the trees, his crossbow still at the ready. Astrid offered him the retrieved arrow, and he accepted it with a look of deep concern. "What're you doin' out here?" He wondered.

Astrid tucked her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "Clearing my head," She answered. Daryl nodded in understanding, his calloused fingers tightening around the arrow as he stepped closer.

"When were you goin' to tell me?"

Her hunter's question pierced through her like a dagger, and an icy chill ran down Astrid's spine. She felt an overwhelming sickness well up within her, and tears began to pool in her eyes while her hands trembled. Swallowing hard, she tried to fight back the immediate sob that was now threatening to escape. There was no use pretending she did not know what he meant. By the look on Daryl's face, she could tell he was already aware.

"Before you had to hear it from someone else," She admitted in a tone of surrender.

A quiet sound escaped the back of Daryl's throat. "Didn't do it soon enough," He mumbled.

Astrid lowered her head. "How did you find out?" She asked.

"Rick told me," Her hunter explained plainly, still gnawing on his lower lip.

Her eyes shot up to his, disbelief etched across her face. "He told you?" She repeated. "When?"

"The minute you walked out that door," Daryl replied. " Look, babe. I've known how he's felt about you for a long time . . . Sounds like even before he did . . . I jus' never thought he'd act on it."

Astrid swallowed hard. She could not bear to imagine how he might have felt hearing such news. "I'm sorry," She murmured.

Daryl stepped closer. "You don't need to apologize," He insisted.

She nodded emphatically, her tears now flowing freely. "I do," She protested.

"No, you don't, Astrid," He assured. "This wasn't your fault."

"No, you don't understand, Daryl," Astrid whispered urgently. "I'm not apologizing for that." She drew in a deep, shuddering breath and shut her eyes, summoning every ounce of courage to release the weight that had consumed her all day. She needed to get it off her chest. She would never be able to breathe again if she did not. "I'm apologizing for . . . what I felt after he kissed me."

Daryl fell into silence. His stoic expression contorted into a twisted mask, his eyes revealing an unrecognizable hurt that she had not anticipated, had never seen before. The revelation had taken her hunter by cruel surprise, and the truth was, it had caught her off guard as well. Because never had she allowed her thoughts to wander beyond the life they knew, never had she dared to imagine a world where she might have shared a happy, secure existence with Rick. That was, until the moment his lips had met hers—until he had unraveled before her, much as she had once unraveled before him.

Rick's kiss had shattered the foundations of everything. Everything that Astrid had once set in stone for herself was now cracked and scattered.

But she wanted none of it. She needed to make that clear.

"What the hell are you talkin' about?" Daryl finally demanded.

"When—When Rick k-kissed me . . . I started to—B-But—"

But before Astrid could reveal more, the sudden roar of an approaching car disrupted her explanation. She turned sharply towards the road, her eyes locking onto another small black vehicle with the emblem of a white cross adorning its rear window. The car zoomed past them, hurtling at a reckless speed.

Daryl gasped audibly, his eyes widening as he swung into action. He dashed towards the other vehicle she had been inspecting only minutes before. He quickly smashed the front and rear lights with heavy blows before flinging open the driver's side door and tossing his crossbow inside.

Astrid watched, her eyes wide. "What are you doing?" She questioned.

"They've got Beth," He growled. "You comin' or stayin'?"

She shot him a withering glare, leaving no room for doubt that she would ever abandon him in such a moment of crisis. She lunged towards the passenger's side, slipping into the car as it shot forward, the door barely shut before they were racing down the blackened road. Her chest felt constricted, caught between the abruptness of the situation and the unresolved tension of their previous conversation.

As they sped off, the unsaid words loomed heavily between them. Astrid turned towards her hunter. "Daryl, I—"

"Don't!" His explosion was sharp and final, cutting her off before she could continue. His grip on the steering wheel tightened as he snapped, "Just don't, Astrid."

Astrid's heart felt as though it had been violently torn in two. She had never wanted a divide to form between her and Daryl, yet it seemed inevitable now. She suddenly found herself looking down at the engagement ring on her finger, questioning if their love had an expiration date. She had not meant for this to happen. If only she could explain herself.  Eyes burning, she tore her gaze from her ring and focused back on the road ahead as they pursued the mysterious vehicle.

In that moment, clarity struck like a bolt of lightning for the Lancaster woman, and just like the speeding car vanishing into the black before them, their lives and love were slipping through their fingers, disappearing into a void of the unknown.

~~~~~~~~~~

i would just like to explain again and make clear that what astrid feels for rick is completely platonic! she loves daryl with all her heart. but because of rick's actions, she has become overwhelmed with this idea of what her life could have almost been.  and she hates to have such thoughts, and she wants daryl to know that, before they were so kindly interrupted.

she knows where her heart is, but her mind is struggling to catch up.  and due to recent events, you can't exactly blame her for being unable to see/think clearly as of right now. but, seeing past that, i'm also really excited because this is where a lot of tension begins to build between astrid and daryl that we haven't really encountered before.

so buckle up, the show is only beginning.