This chapter takes place directly after chapter 59. Just after Jessica has left Amber's hospital room. 

Nothing. 

That's all I saw staring into Amber's cold blue eyes. I used to be jealous of her eyes. How you could look into the pooling depth of blue and see a million things; her pain, her laughter, her sadness. Now its like she's not even there anymore. Like the Amber I loved had just packed up and moved out. 

I scuffed my feet along the dirty grey pathway that lined the outer perimeter of the hospital and felt Liam's hand give mine a gentle, reassuring squeeze. I knew I looked a mess, I could practically feel my mascara dripping down my face, so I kept my head down and continued moving forward. 

Forwards, Jessy, that's the only way. At least that's what my stupid grief councillor keeps saying. I hate his stupid fucking office with its stupid fucking lavender incense and his fucking boring white microwave.  Everything is more boring now dad's not around. 

The washing machine is no longer a clothes jacuzzi. My mom's fuzzy cat socks are now just socks, and that god damn toaster isn't a fucking bread tanner. At least that's what I screamed when I smashed it on the ground the day dad died. I had half expected him to walk up behind me and ask me what on god's name the bread tanner had ever done to me. But he never did. 

I guess we all have our ways of coping with him being gone. I yell a lot more now and swear more too. My therapist keeps telling me it's 'all part of the process of acceptance'.

 I keep telling him to get fucked. 

"Princess, want me to drive you home?" Liam's voice is barely a whisper over the wind, but I hear him and nod. Looking up I notice his black BMW is parked right in front of us and I briefly wonder how long he's been standing here waiting for me to snap out my thoughts.  

I've been doing that a lot lately, spacing out.  Just thinking, about nothing, about everything. Sometimes I don't even want to think, sometimes I just beg and plead and scream for my brain to just leave me alone. But it never does. 

Liam, for his part, has been extremely patient, and gallantly stays by my side whenever I break down. Which was a lot, but thankfully its slowing down now. But that doesn't mean it's stopped hurting. And Amber today has just rubbed salt on my still healing wound. 

"Did you want me to come inside with you?" Liam had asked me as we sat in his car outside my house.

"No this is something I need to do alone. Just, uh, you'll wait for me out here right?"

When I looked up I saw so much emotion in his deep eyes that my head was spinning.

"Always." he had said softly before I jumped out of the BMW. 

"Mom, I'm back!" I yell into the quiet house and somehow I already knew I wasn't going to get an answer. I'm right. Shakespurr meowed sleepily from his place on the couch before dropping his white fluffy head back onto his paws. 

Dumb cat. 

I slip my converse off by the door and pad quietly to my parent's room. Peering inside I look at my mom's sleeping figure underneath the duvet. It was Friday. She and dad didn't work on Friday. I guess dad didn't work any day now. 

I pass the room as quietly as I can and pull my floral suitcase from the top of my wardrobe. I stare at my clothes for a moment before shrugging and packing whatever my fingers grab first. Stuffing them inside the suitcase I zip it up and drag it down the hall. Passing my mother's room again I stop. Dropping the bag next to the entry I look inside once more to see she is still asleep. 

Senior meow lay curled up at the end of her bed. As I stepped inside the threshold, the cat bolted up and hissed. I gave the brown and black fur-ball the middle finger. 

"Stupid cat" I mumbled to myself. I've always hated cats, and it seemed as though the feeling was mutual from the entire species. It was a thing I got from my mother, there was no explanation for it, we just didn't like 'em. However 2 months ago I came home to my mother silently sobbing as she held a tabby to her chest.

"Anton, I'd buy you million of these little rascals if it means you'll come back to me. Look, honey, you can even pet it while we yell at Jessy and Amber for staying out late. Please Anton, Just come b..back to me." Her voice cracked and she buried her face into Senior Meow's brown head, breathing in a deep sigh. I watched her a moment longer before  I silently slipped by to my room where I sat on my bed. and that was the exact position Liam found me in when he came to pick me up the next morning. 

"Princess?" His voice was so soothing, so familiar. He took one look at the tears brimming in my eyes and he rushed to my side, slipping his arms around me, pulling my head against his warm chest. And the familiar comforting scent of his cologne sent me over the edge and I began to sob.

"Oh, princess. I'm here. It's okay, baby. I'm here." He whispered, tracing soothing patterns on my back. 

One week later Shakespurr arrived and I didn't question it. I guess it was my mom's way of dealing and if her getting better meant putting up with two disgusting fur-balls in the house, so be it. 

"Hi honey." my mother mumbled sleepy syllables as she gave me a weak smiled. 

"Hey, mom," I spoke as I sat tentatively on the bed next to her.

"How was Amber? Still stable?" Mom used to visit Amber in the first couple of weeks, but after a while, being in the place where dad had spent so much time got too much. And when it became evident that Amber was not going to wake anytime soon she stopped coming. I didn't blame her, the place was depressing. 

"She was good, mom. Actually, she um.." I sucked in a deep breath. "She uh woke up."

Mom bolted upright in bed "She what? Jessica! Why didn't you tell me before, let's go see her now!"

And before I could say anything she was whirl winding around the room, getting ready. She pulled a pair of jeans from underneath senior Meow and he whined. 

"Mom." 

She ignored me as she pulled her wardrobe open.

"Mom," I repeated a little more impatient as she continued to run her hands across the t-shirts hanging in her wardrobe.

"Mom!" I yelled and she turned to face me.

"What darling?"

"Shedoesntcare" I mumbled 

"What?"

"She doesn't care," I said, slightly louder, not trusting my unsteady voice. 

"Doesn't care?"

"About anything." I bit my lip to stop it from quivering. 

"Jessica?" My mom seemed to take in my defeated demeanour for the very first time.

"Mom, she doesn't care that dad died for her." I squeezed my eyes shut to trap the hot tears from escaping. 

"She doesn't care that he gave her his heart, she doesn't care that she's the reason he's not here anymore."

"Darling, I'm sure that's not true. Don't over exaggerate."

"No mom. I'm not. You didn't see her face when I told her dad was gone. It's like she's not even there anymore. And I'm done chasing ghosts. I already have dad's I don't want to be chasing Amber's as well. I'm done trying."

"Honey, what are you talking about? Don't be like this, you're family. You and she need each other now more than ever." My mother tried to reason, but I had already made up my mind. 

"No mom. I don't need a constant reminder of everything I've lost." I looked at the ground, carefully. I knew what I was about to do was unbelievably selfish. I knew what I was about to do would sting, but honestly, my mother would be better off without me. I was a dead weight that she needed to lose or else she'd drown. If I was going to sink I would not be bringing her down with me. 

"Mom, I'm going to be going away for a little while," I said slowly. 

"Don't be stupid, Jessica. It's the middle of the school term."

"Mom I need to leave. I can't take this much death anymore."

"Young lady you will not be going anywhere. Stop this nonsense right now. I-"

"I'm so sorry, mom. " I told her, tears tracking down my face. I turned to the door and walked out grabbing the suitcase from the floor as I went. And then I ran to the car. 

Like a coward, I ran from my problems. Just like how I had run from Liam the first time and how I had run from Amber after the ball. Now it was all starting to make sense and I realised that in those moments I wasn't running away from Amber, or Liam or even my mother. 

No. I was running from myself and what scared me most is that I didn't know what was going to happen when I finally caught up.