*TRIGGER WARNING: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED*

Being alone, I found, was not a bright idea. The silence of the apartment was deafening as I tried to busy myself by doing the dishes, but the rhythmic motion of washing didn't help. My thoughts trickled to my family.

Every other night I have nightmares of finding Mom. Her face was pale and her blue eyes blank. Her skin was dyed pink from the bloodied water around her. The vertical marks on her wrists were the bloodiest part about her.

After I left, she must've cried for hours before making her decision. She spent a hour or so making that video for me. She shakingly wrote her letter saying "I love you." Then she was inconsolable as she sat on the edge of the tub. Running water and cries were the only sounds heard from my apartment. Suddenly, her tears ran out as numbness filled her core. She barely even felt the hot water against her skin when she got in. She laid there thinking about my brothers and father. The boys' bright smiles haunting the ghost inside her. My father's intimate moments overshadowed everything that he'd done to her. Maybe she thought of me. Maybe she thought of my older siblings. Maybe she felt guilty for what she was about to put us through. Yet she still took up the knife. Yet she placed it against her wrist and felt the pressure against the veins as she cut towards herself. Quickly, she would've lost blood. By the second pint she would've felt faint. Her heart would've beat fast and her skin turned pale. She would've passed out by the fourth pint. She was asleep when she died. She was asleep when she left me.

Was I not good enough for her? I shouldn't have left her. I shouldn't have told her about Dad's infidelity. But I did and she died.

Before I knew it, I was leaning against my bed frame shaking. My breath was uneven and I fell into a dramatic frenzy. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

I fell into memories. 

I was suddenly nine again. I was in the kitchen trying to make Mac and cheese for supper per Dad's orders. I stood on the stepstool carelessly as I stirred the pot. Logan came running in with Layton on his tail.

"Why'd you tell Marissa I liked her!" Layton screamed as Logan attempted to hide between the stepstool and the fridge.

"Because you took my penguin erasers!" Lucas yelled back. I rolled my eyes. Boys!

Layton jumped forward and Logan kicked forward. The stepstool jerked and I lost my sense of balance. A bang and clang followed as I hit the ground. I grimaced at the pain in my shoulder, but my priorities were checked as I realized the Mac and cheese had spilled all over the white tile. I looked up in fear as Logan and Layton fled the scene. Powerful footsteps sounded up the stairs and I was frozen to my spot on the floor.

"What the hell was that," my dad yelled. Anger at out tomfoolery was obvious. He came into the kitchen and his cold blue eyes narrowed onto me. His fury increased when he saw the food all over the floor.

"Honestly, can you do anything right? You're so stupid. Can't you make Mac and cheese without fucking it up?"

I looked away. No, I can't do anything without making a mess.

"Hurry and clean it up! Since you spilled it you can have what you spilled or not eat," Dad reasoned what he thought was fair. Mom said Dad was different before he went in the army. I never got to meet that Dad.

I nodded to my father and quickly cleaned up the mess while he went back downstairs. I cleaned up the spilled noodles and threw them away. I wasn't eating.

And I was back.

I shook uncontrollably as I tried to figure out how to make this stop. I wanted everything to stop. My thoughts went to Aya and some of my other friends. They said the reason they did it was to relieve the pain. I never felt emotion very intensely, so I had no idea what to do. I tried to push it all away and forget it, but, like a volcano, it all erupted again. I crawled forward to my desk and rifled through one of the drawers. My hand snatched up what I needed. I fell against my bed frame again and unlocked the pocketknife's blade.

The wrist was too obvious so I tried my upper arm. I could always say I received it when I was tackled earlier by Hope. Shakingly, I brought the cool blade to my burning skin. I closed my eyes and swept it across my arm. I opened my eyes and...Nothing. Just a small indentation in the skin. I tried again and again and again. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I let out a strangled cry of self-hatred and loathing. I couldn't even self-harm properly. I sent the pocketknife across the floor and watched it slide until hitting my desk.

So I sat there in complete silence and stared down the wall. Tears had long passed. Numbness had taken over. I moved forward to try to cut again. Maybe I wouldn't be so useless this time.

I held the blade to my wrist this time as the skin was thinner. I took a deep breath and...My phone rang causing me to jump.

I set down the knife and answered the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey Lark, it's Lin. V and I are bring back Chinese, what'd you like?"

I stopped. He somehow always arrived at the right moment.

"Hello Lark, are you there?"

"Yeah," I answered quickly, "just get me broccoli beef."

"Gotcha, Alondra," Lin responded cheerily, "We'll be home in twenty minutes. See yah then."

"See yah."

The call ended. I picked up the blade again...and closed it.

I sat on the couch watching Parks and Recreation until the Miranda's got back.

"We've got comida!" Lin exclaimed while an excited Sebastian tottled to me.

"Ark! Ark!" Sebastian yelled before breaking out in an excited mix of Spanish and English.

"He doesn't know you're not bilingual," Vanessa explained while picking the kid.

"Him and his abuela and abuela went to the park and he saw a turtle," Lin explained coming out of the kitchen.

"Turtle," I nodded approvingly, "nice."

Lin looked at me worriedly, "Are you okay? You're really pale and look exhausted."

Vanessa put the back of her hand to my forehead, "No fever."

I shrugged, "I'm just tired. I didn't get much sleep last night."

Of course I wouldn't tell them what had happened not even thirty minutes ago, I didn't want them to worry or regret taking me in.

"Speaking of last night, we're going to talk about that during supper," Vanessa brought up sternly. Yippee.

We moved towards the kitchen and Vanessa put Sebastian in his highchair. Lin grabbed the little guy's bib and food from the kitchen.

"Mmm peas and carrots," Lin said with a clearly dissatisfied face.

"Comida," Sebastian called cheerfully.

"Yah comida," Vanessa agreed with the 18 month old.

"Alright we're gonna try eating by yourself, Homeboy," Lin said while placing a baby spoon on Seb's tray. Sebastian stared at it for a moment before picking it up. He looked up at us grinning. I smiled and gave him to thumbs up.

"Why didn't you have your phone?" Vanessa asked.

I shifted uncomfortably, "I left it in Aya's room when we went to watch scary movies."

"You didn't think to call, Lark? We were worried sick," Vanessa went on. I shrugged.

"Alondra, were not comfortable with you always being out by yourself. Look what happened today with those three girls and what if your grandparents came to New York," Lin reasoned. It's not like my grandparents could find me in New York, where thousands of people live.

I sighed and went for the truth, "I'm not used to having someone worry about me. Mom honestly didn't really care, so I never had to call for parental permission. I'm sorry, but I'm adjusting."

"We're sorry too, Alondra. We haven't really made a list of rules," Vanessa went on, "We thought we'd have a couple more years before we hit the friend milestone."

I looked over to Sebastian who had orange mush (carrots?) in his hair.

"So we decided on the way home that you won't be grounded, since it's all our fault. Besides, we didn't want to return the extra Tony ticket," Lin said casually. Wait what?

"What!'

Lin and Vanessa laughed at my expression. No, this could not actually be happening. The Tonys!

"We'll go dress shopping Monday after you're done with work," Vanessa furthered.

"And I'll just find some penguin suit," Lin added. He pulled his phone from a hiding place. He'd recorded my reaction.

"I-I- this actually cannot be happening," I sat in awe. I smiled brightly, "Thank you guys so much!"

I stood up from my chair and ran up to hug them both. After everything from today, I needed this.

"You're welcome, Alondra."

Suddenly, Sebastian's tiny partially full bowl flew from his highchair onto my plate of food. The Miranda's and I just kinda stared at the occurrence for a moment before I turned to them.

"Is it wrong that I still wanna eat that?"

Word count: 1535

Finished at 9:00 pm

Published at 9:

Happy Galentine's day! Did you do anything special? I bought my best friend a flower and wrote her a letter because her boyfriend broke up with her today. I've also procrastinated my homework like all week for sleep and writing.

Ask some questions people!

Anyways, have a lovely night. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry if this chapter psychologically affected you! 

Ever Yours, hlwing