Trigger warning: detailed description of an panic attack. Please read with caution <3

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Training was painfully slow. We were out there for hours practising moves I knew of by heart. But for some reason muscle memory was failing me. Every offence was sloppy and misplaced. My hands were slick with sweat within my gloves bringing immense discomfort to the point I was dropping my sword mid duel.

Every clash of a sword put me on edge, as if my body was preparing for something. What I have no clue. I can tell by the worried looks of my peers that I'm not acting like myself. I don't feel like myself. Not matter how hard I try to focus my mind drifts to Kyeyar. Is he safe? Has he been caught? Everything is spinning and it feels as if the ground is melting under my feet. I collapse under the force of a particularly harsh blow.

"Gwaine what has gotten into you today?" Arthur questioned, helping me off the floor after a very quick duel. I simply shrug and resume my stance. However as I go to strike all I can see is Kyeyar's face, filled with horror and disgust as I wield the weapon he detests. My grip loosens around the hilt of my sword as I avoid Arthur's parry. The rest happened quickly, a miscalculated strike and a yell of pain. Not from myself but Arthur. Shit.

"Arthur are you alright? Shit I'm so sorry." I say frantically, quickly applying pressure to the seeping wound on his side.

"I'm fine, but I think you need to leave. You clearly aren't with it today." When I make no indication of leaving Arthur pushes my hand away and sits up with a grunt. "Go. That's an order."

I stand shakily and watch as Arthur was swarmed by the other trainees. A piercing ringing bounces through my skull sending my brain into overdrive. Everything feels too much, as if my senses are dialled up to eleven. My heart thuds against my ribcage so fast it could burst through at any moment. I feel my ribs heaving as if bound by ropes, straining to inflate my lungs. My head is a carousel of fears spinning out of control, each one pushing my mind into blackness.

I manage to tear my eyes away from Arthur and head back to the armoury. I make sure to keep my vision trained to the floor, not wanting the dizziness to take control.

Upon reaching the armoury I become aware of a faint voice calling to me. A hand grazed my arm, a tiny movement but enough to tip me over the edge. I whip round and push the figure away, no longer able to keep my breathing at bay. Every breath feels like my last, my throat growing tighter every passing second.

"Gwaine what the hell?" Percival. He followed me. Why? Why would he possibly care about me?

"Gwaine breathe." My vision disfigured, as if I were looking through a fish-eye lens. Thoughts are accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow so I can breathe but they won't. My breaths come in gasps and I feel like I will black out. My heart is hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spins and I squat on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. I feel so sick.

"Gwaine what's wrong." His voice seems so distant yet so close it only adds to the nausea. The room churns underneath me, pulling me down like the tide. Huge waves crash at my feet dragging me further into an unforgiving sea of dread.

"Enough Percival."

"I'm only trying to help you."

"Well stop. Just stop." I feel something resting on my shoulder and my mind is flooded with images, screenshots of events that leave me with scars no power can heal. Kyeyar with a rope. Kyeyar on the pyre. Kyeyar with his head in a basket.

"Stop!" Everything goes silent. Just screams. His screams? My screams. Liquid drips on to my balled fists. When did I start crying? What is wrong with me?

"Gwaine look at me." My head is tilted up but I can't see anything. My body is shutting down. "I've got you. You're safe."

Kye isn't. The thought makes me cry harder. I feel myself being pulled into a hug and everything stills. A lull in the storm. The nausea subsides and the dizziness fizzles away. All I am left with is an empty mind and chest so tight I am gasping for breath.

"I've got you. I've got you. You are going to be okay, let's get you to your chambers."

"No." I croak out, throat hoarse from crying. "No. Merlin."

Percival seems to understand as he slowly lifts me from the floor and half drags me down the corridor to the winding stairs. Just looking at them makes me want to puke but I need to see him. Make sure he is safe. Explaining to Percival can wait. After an agonising five minutes we make it to the top of the stairs, the journey giving me time to calm myself. Hopefully I don't look to bad, I don't want to worry Kye.

Percival knocked on the door and pattering footsteps could be heard from behind the fragile wood. The door swung open and a beaming Kyeyar launched himself at my legs. Breathing a sigh of relief I scooped him up allowing him to nuzzle into my chest.

"I missed you. You were gone for ages!" Kye drawled, twiddling the clasp of my cape in his fingers. I can feel Percival's stare bore into the back of my head but I can't focus on that right now.

"I missed you too."

"You alright Gwaine, you look terrible." Merlin states, lifting his head from a book. Of course he would be able to tell, he knows me better than I know myself.

"I'm fine." Merlin's gaze shifted behind me and I can only assume Percival was shaking his head.

"Okay." He stated, raising his eyebrow. I know that look. That's his I-can-see-through-your-bullshit-we-will-talk-later stare. "Percival you should probably get back to training. Arthur has already been here looking for you. That idiot must have stabbed himself again, he had bloodstains on his armour."

"Yeah, you know arthur. Best knight in Camelot but clumsy as hell. I'll see you later Gwaine." He patted my shoulder and leant down to whisper in my ear. "You can trust me you know. I won't tell anyone about the kid until you're ready."

"Thank you." I whisper back. Kyeyar reached out and tapped Percival's shoulder.

"Thank you for bringing him back! I missed him."

"You're very welcome, little man. Bye Gwaine, bye Merlin." Percival disappeared through the door closing it after him. Kyeyar let out a small yawn and buried deeper into my arms, which could not be comfortable since I am still clad in armour.

"You tired Kye?" The child hummed in response, his dark curls falling in his face as he shifts position. I glance around the room and spot the patient's cot in the corner. I look to Merlin for permission, who nods. I walked over and laid Kye carefully on the bed, making sure he was wrapped securely in the thin sheets.

"You're scared."

"How many times have I told you to stay out of my head, Merlin." I try to joke, but it comes out slightly hostile.

"You're scared he isn't safe here."

"Stop it Merlin." My voice wavers with anger, but remains low as to not wake up Kye.

"That if you leave him for too long something will happen and he will be captured. You are blaming yourself for things that haven't even happened yet. Don't try and fix things that aren't broken, it only leads to more pain and more often than not the very situation you strived to prevent. Trust me, I know."

"How can you be certain he'll be safe." I whisper, balling my fists so tight my knuckles turn white and my nails break the skin.

"Because you are there to protect him. So am I, and so is Gaius. I am sure Percival is too, I know how he feels about you. After seeing how much you care for the kid he will stop at nothing to protect you both." Finally my chest uncoils and air floods my lungs. Merlin's right, as long as we are here nothing will happen to Kye.

"You're right. Thank you, Merlin."

"Anytime. Now give me your hands, you're bleeding all over your armour. I don't want two sets of bloodied armour to clean." I laugh lightly and hold out my hands. Merlin's eyes flash gold and the cuts sew shut. He looks up at me with an inquisitive glint in his eyes. "I never did ask how you figured out about my magic."

"Strength, Courage, Magic. Pretty obvious mate."

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Panic attacks can be caused by seemingly tiny things to most people, but very significant things to the victim. In case I didn't explain it properly, Gwaine was triggered by the idea of attacking Arthur after finding out Kyeyar is terrified of knights.