I grabbed a small bag from my closet and hurried out of my room. I was meeting up with my soulmate, like every other day at 2 in the morning. Sure my sleep schedule is fucked but when was it not? I got to the park and started humming the song. I sat down under the tree and waited for a few minutes before hearing someone whistle the other part of the song.

"Hey beautiful." I said after hearing them sit down.

"You don't know what I look like." He laughed. "And I look like trash. Seriously I'm wearing a shirt with a garbage can on it and its amazing."

"You remind me of someone but I'm too tired to remember who."

"They're probably just a fan. Or a cosplayer. Or a roleplayer. I surprisingly have a lot of fans." This guy famous or something? Is my soulmate a damn celebrity? I shook the thought out of my head and grabbed my bag.

"I brought some oreos, you want some?" I asked pulling out the package. I saw a hand stick out from the side of the tree and laughed. I gave them some oreos and pulled out the pen and paper. "So I was thinking about what you said about the singing competition and started wondering what song we should sing. I heard from a friend that they were calling the soloists out in alphabetical order."

"Then I guess I'm going to be one of the last people singing." He laughed. "I only know maybe 4 people that come after me alphabetically."

"Giving me hints about who you are now? Thought you didn't want us knowing until the singing thing, which is only a month away." I smirked.

"Oh god I can hear you smirking and I'm going to pour wax up your nostrils."

"I- what the fuck? I don't understand you."

"Neither do I babe. Or my family. I'm not even sure my friends understand me. Now what were you saying about the songs?"

"I was saying we should have a specific song in case other people sing Rusty Cage or Bo Burnham or anything else. And I totally know what song to choose."

"Sure you do. What's this song called?" I thought for a minute. I honestly don't know what song to sing. I quickly pulled out my phone and started looking through a random playlist on spotify.

"This might be stupid and you would probably want a different song or even artist-"

"Just tell me what the song is or I'm going to boil your teeth"

"What's with all the weird ass threats tonight? But the song is This is Home...bye Cavetown." It was silent for a minute before he shouted.

"I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG! YOU BETTER FUCKING SING THAT AT THE COMPETITION OR I'M GO-"

"Invert my ribcage? Milk my spleen? Curse me to have my left sock forever wet and my right shoe to always have a pebble stuck in it?"

"I was gonna say drown you in unholy water but those are good. Anyways I better go back home. I have an essay I have to write and turn in by noon." I heard some shuffling before footsteps getting further and further away. It was silent for a few minutes and I decided it was time to go back to my two favorite assholes.

{time skip brought by look at how cute these pens are}

I woke up to the smoke alarm going off. I immediately jumped out of bed and ran down the hall to Virgil and Remy's rooms. Virgil didn't seem to be phased by the alarm so I turned to Remy's room. He wasn't there. God fucking dammit. I ran to the kitchen to see him ahout to pour water on the toaster that was on fire. I ran up and stopped him. I sighed and pushed him out of the way of the fire extinguisher. After putting out the fire I turned to him.

"You're banned from the kitchen. I don't care who you are or who your dad is right now. As your bodyguard, friend, and the head of this household you are banned. Not because you started a fire, because you woke me up at..." I checked the clock on the wall. Wow we slept in late. "Nevermind it's because you started a fire."

"Fine I'll just call Emy and go to the cafe."

"Calking your boyfriend to go on a date? Cute." Virgil said as he walked to the kitchen with a blanket wrapped around him covering everything except his face.

"He's not my boyfriend yet. At least I have someone to potentially be my boyfriend. Your soulmate is a dick."

"Both of you shut the hell up." I started pushing both of then out of the kitchen and into the livingroom. "Go ahead and go on a coffee date with your boyfriend. You go to your room and dont come back down until you decide to make up with Roman." Remy mumbled something before slipping on some heels and walking out the front door. Virgil groaned and started making his way back to his room. I sighed and layed on the couch.

'I rather deal with Remus screaming than those two' I signed. Actually.

I pulled my phone out of my pajama pockets and went to Remus' contact. After a few rings he picked up.

"Waffle and Hookers where you can eat waffles and ass. How can I help you?" His voice rang.

"I don't know how to respond to that."

"Neither does Roman, anyways whatcha need halfie?"

"I don't know. Kinda bored to be honest. You wanna come and hang out with me and Ceil?" I asked.

"Who the hell is Ceil?" Remus asked sounding a bit jealous? Sad? I don't know.

"My pet snake. You coming or what?"

"Sure, be there in a bit. Later Tater."

"I want tater tots...See ya in a bit." I hung up the phone and walked back to the kitchen.

{time skip brought by rachel is so annoying}

"Wassup gays! Remus is here, queer, and bringing fear!" I turned my head from where I was watching Friends and eating tater tots. "Oh it's just you. Wassup snek!" He flopped down on the couch with his head leaning on me.

"Joey is messing with shit and I'm eating potatoes." I felt him nod beside me. "Wanna act like middle school boys at sleepovers and play 2 truths and a lie?" I asked.

"Fuck yea. I'll go first. I have intrusive thoughts, I call everyone a dork because it means whale penis, and my eyes are green." I thought for a minute. He said before he had intrusive thoughts and I know that's the truth. I have seen memes about dork meaning whale penis. I looked into his eyes. They were red. A fiery red, not demonic at all, but a beautiful fiery red. Fuck. Who decided to let me have feelings. "You okay Dee-Dee?"

"Oh yea. Your eyes are red." He nodded and signalled me to take my turn.

"I'm a trans man, I'm Virgil and Remy's bodyguard not their cousin, and I have two snakes." He thought about it for a minute.

"You only have one snake. At least the author tells me something. Anyways, bodyguard? As in you were hired to protect them?"

"Uh..yea? Their dad hired me to 'protect' them. I've been trained to shoot different guns all my life, I know about 4 different martial arts, and have a small knife collection. My adoptive father, Anton, brought me in to meet their father and he hired me. Kinda weird actually. It feels more like having dumbass older brothers than anything."

"So you work for a mob boss? That's so badass. Why'd you tell me?"

"Because," you're cute and I couldn't think of anything else, "Nobody will believe you."

"Hey, so the author is kind of getting tired and probably will forget to finish this chapter for another few days so I'm going to do this in the last paragraph we have." I looked at him with a questioning look before he cupped my face in his hands and started moving closer to me. I felt my cheeks getting warm. What the hell is he doing? He's going to kiss me. Fuck. I have a soulmate so why do I want him to hurry up and kiss me? Damn feelings, go die. Instead of kissing me he leaned in a whispered in my ear. "The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready."

I pushed him off the couch.

Word Count: 1534
It's 4 something am and I'm not sorry. I've also been listening to random Bo Burnham songs for the past hour
Bye for now guys, gals, and non-binary pals