Chapter Twenty-three

Home

I attended Arthur's wake until his funeral. Kahit pa ayaw ni Tita Alma na nandoon ako at obvious ang pantataboy niya sa akin. She still blamed me. And I just accepted it all. I accepted everything including the opinion of other people about me. Halatang ako ang palaging pinag-uusapan kapag nakikita nila akong pinipilit pa rin ang sarili ko doon kahit ayaw mismo ng nanay ng namatay. At malaki na rin ang tiyan ko noon at hindi naman lihim na hindi anak ni Art ang pinagbubuntis ko kahit pa siya ang naging fiancé ko noon. I got used to their disgusted stares at me. I endured it until I can just properly say my last goodbyes to Arthur.

"Aryanne, magpahinga ka muna. Makakasama ang ginagawa mo sa pinagbubuntis mo." saway na sa akin ni Kuya Steven. He sighed.

Lumapit na rin sa akin ang asawa niya. "Aryanne... Uuwi na muna kami ngayon sa bahay. Gusto mo bang doon ka na rin muna sa amin, para makapagpahinga ka." marahang ani ate sa akin.

But I didn't speak or move. Nanatili lang akong nakaupo doon at tinitingnan ang portrait ni Art na nakangiti.

Bumuntong-hininga na rin si Ate Melanie at nagkatinginan sila sandali ni Kuya Steven sa tabi ko. "Aryanne, baka may mangyari nang masama sa anak mo kung patuloy mong gagawin ito at hindi ka mag-iingat..."

Napatingin na ako kay Ate Melanie. Marahan siyang tumango sa akin. Sinubukan niyang abutin ang kamay ko at hinayaan ko naman siya. Until they succeeded to bring me to their home for a while. Pero bumabalik pa rin ako sa lamay ni Art hanggang sa libing na niya. Tita Alma was crying loudly while Art's coffin was being lowered to the ground. And I cried, too, hard but silently as I watched the scene in front of me. Wala na talaga si Art...

I hope I really did made him happy enough when he was still alive like what he had told me at his last days at the hospital... I just wanted to make him happy. I just want to know that he was really happy... That he still lived a good life despite...

It wasn't the first time that I lost someone who's dear to me. Una si Mama... Pagkatapos ay si Tita Joyce. And now Arthur... Art, wherever you are right now... I can only hope that you're in better place. I know that you are in good place because you are a good person, too. You've been nothing but a good man while you lived here on earth. Like what I promised you, I will try to do the right thing...

Pagkatapos noon ay nagdesisyon akong sundan at puntahan si Wesley sa England. Hindi ko nga lang agad nagawa dahil nauna pa akong nanganak sa anak namin. I'm grateful for my brother and his wife because they supported me and my child. May sarili rin naman akong ipon at iyon ang ginamit ko para mapuntahan namin ng anak ko si Wesley sa ibang bansa. Ilang buwan pa lang noon si Riff. Although I didn't almost knew where to start. Sa kaonting impormasyon sa tulong na rin nina Mike at Maxine ay nakarating ako sa England at nahanap si Wesley.

Pero hindi lang iyon ang nangyari... I saw him there and he was already with someone else... He's with a woman by his side when I saw him. Nalaman ko nga rin that Savannah Ortega was in Europe at that time. And according to news ay girlfriend ni Wesley Rivera si Savannah Ortega at nandoon siya para suportahan si Wesley sa pagbabalik ng banda nila. Alam kong baka nahuli na nga rin talaga ako. It's been more than a year since he left and went back here in England. At marami ang pwede na ngang nangyari...

I didn't know if my decision was right or maybe it's another mistake in my part. Pero hindi ko na pinilit iyon. Especially that when I saw him with her, he was smiling and he looked happy... Maybe she makes him happy. While I only hurt him.

I returned to the Philippines with my months old son and we went home to the province. Gusto kong sa mas payapang lugar ko palalakihin ang anak ko. And I think the province is a good place for us to start together. Together... with my child. I'm not alone...

Before I was really scared to be left alone... But at the end I lost both Arthur... and Wesley...

Wala na rin si Tita Joyce. And I was left with the responsibility for my child. I should be responsible for him. And I did it alone... Nakayanan kong mag-isa.

Binangon ko ang sarili ko. Nag-aral uli ako at nagtapos. I became a music teacher like what I had already dreamed of becoming one before. And I raised my son... alone. Nagawa ko.

Kaya ko naman pala...

O nakayanan ko dahil sa anak ko.

Sometimes in our life... we might feel lost... Or we didn't know where to come home to because we lost our home... We feel like we don't belong to any place after that... But after giving birth to my son, I realized that I must be his home. Na kailangan kong maging bahay na mauuwian niya. That I cannot be lost anymore no matter if I'll do this alone because my child will be lost, too. He needed a home and I will give him that.

"Ano'ng nangyari, Aryanne? Nagkausap ba kayo ni Wesley pagpunta mo ng England?"

Pinuntahan ako nina Maxine nang umuwi rin sila sa probinsya at nalaman nilang nandoon ako sa dating bahay nina Tita Joyce at Wesley. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang balak ni Wesley sa naiwang bahay ng mama niya pero may karapatan din naman ako rito at sa aming dalawa naman pinamana ni Tita Joyce itong bahay.

"Hindi na namin nakakausap si Wesley simula noong umalis siya pabalik ng England... Sa kay Justin nalang namin nalaman minsan, pero busy na rin si Justin at may world tour ang band nila, hindi ba..." Malungkot na ani Max.

Riff cried in his crib kaya nag-excuse muna ako kanila Maxine para puntahan ang anak ko. Halos sumunod din sila sa akin para makita ang baby ko at unang beses pa lang nila noon makita si Riff. Napatakip pa ng bibig niya si Max habang nakikita ang anak ko.

"Kailangang malaman ni Wesley 'to." Mike said.

Dahan-dahan lang akong umiling. "Huwag na..." Hindi rin ako sigurado... pero... "If he's already with someone right now, and he's fine... Then ayaw kong makasira pa sa kanila... Ayaw kong magkagulo nang dahil sa akin..."

Umiling din si Maxine sa sinabi ko. "Hindi ka naman manggugulo, Aryanne. Tungkol ito sa anak ninyo ni Wesley!"

Umiling din muli ako. "Hindi mo naiintindihan, Max... Sinaktan ko si Wesley."

Natahimik sila pareho ni Mike.

Simula noon ay wala na rin akong narinig sa kanila tungkol kay Wesley. Siguro dahil nawalan na rin talaga sila ng personal na communication kay Wesley. Gaya ko.

Sobrang sikat pa rin ng band nina Wesley and over the years they made several world tours, recorded many new songs and sold different albums. Hanggang sa matutuloy na nga ang concert nila sa Pilipinas...

"Nagpunta kami sa concert nila, Aryanne. Sobrang daming tao. Hindi talaga kami nagkaroon ng chance na makalapit. We tried reaching pero parang ang imposible na sa ngayon... We would like to try to talk kahit nalang kay Justin sana. Hindi naman namin agad sasabihin ang tungkol kay Riff at gusto lang namin ipakausap sa 'yo si Wesley." bigong pagpapaalam sa akin ni Maxine.

They tried even though I didn't ask them to. Kahit pa alam kong busy rin sila sa pagiging attorneys nila at bumiyahe pa sila ni Mike para lang mapuntahan ako rito sa probinsya at ipaalam sa akin galing ng Manila kung saan na talaga sila nakatira dahil nandoon ang trabaho nila.

"Ayos lang, Max," sinubukan kong ngumiti sa kaniya.

She looked at me with sad eyes. I looked away. Bumaling nalang ako sa anak ko. Noong una ay kinabahan pa ako at agad siyang pina check sa doctor nang napansin kong hindi pa agad siya nakakapagsalita kung ikukumpara sa ibang mga batang kaedad niya. Natakot ako sa isiping baka nagkaroon ng problema sa anak ko dahil sa stress ko noong pinagbubuntis ko pa lang siya. Mabuti nalang at mukhang may delay lang siya ng konti pero naging maayos din naman. Thank God my son still grew up healthy despite the things we've been through.

"Mama!" It was followed by his sweet chuckles.

Pagkatapos ko siyang bigyan kanina ng snacks niya ay naghanda na rin ako para sa dinner naming mag-ina. And when I was done I also called him para makakain na rin kami at makapagpahinga, at may pasok pa ako bukas sa school bilang teacher at may pasok din si Riff sa klase niya sa Grade 2. Kakasimula lang din ng pasukan. After eating and after cleaning the kitchen, pinaliguan ko na rin si Riff para ready na siya mamaya sa pagtulog. But I helped him first with his little assignment before we retired to bed early.

Ngayon nga ay bahagya ko pa siyang kiniliti habang nakahiga na kami sa kama kaya tawa pa siya ng tawa. Pero tinigilan ko rin at kailangan na naming matulog at maaga pa bukas. Hinagkan ko nalang ang anak ko at niyakap. And I sang him a little lullaby that completely lulled him to sleep.

Pinikit ko na rin ang mga mata ko and I think I just dreamed of the past...

"I love you, Aryanne. Please don't do this. If... you said that you love him... I know that you love me, too! Ako nalang ang piliin mo sa amin, Yan... Please, please choose me..." Wesley desperately begged that night when I told him that it's Arthur that I love and not him. And that I won't go with him to England because I will stay with Art.

I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. Parang sinasaksak ng kutsilyo ang puso ko sa sakit na makita siyang ganito. I caused him this.

"I'm in love with you. I love you so much, Yan. Please tell me what should I do? I will do anything you ask of me! Everything! I will do everything for you. Just tell me what it is. Forgive me for all my shortcomings to you. But please don't do this to me... Don't do this..." he begged me in tears.

But I only heartlessly walked away from him. Wala siyang nagawa dahil sobrang pinagtulakan ko siya. I did everything, I said to him everything, every words that could hurt him deep that he'll end up choosing to go back abroad and leave me here. Paulit-ulit ko lang sinabi sa kaniya na si Arthur ang mahal ko kahit anong pagmamakaawa pa niya sa akin. I told him that I regret being with him and hurt Arthur. Sinabi ko sa kaniyang pinagsisisihan ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin simula sa simula. That he should just let me go because I can never love him the way I'm in love with Arthur...

I knew it in myself that those were lies... That I only said those words to hurt him... So that he'd just let me go. I did it because I had to... to be with Arthur... To be there for him as he battle his illness.

Pero tingin ko ay mali pa rin...

Pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong tamang ginawa...

Na alin pa man ang piliin ko, o ano pa man ang gawin ko. I'll still, and always end up choosing the wrong choice... And doing the wrong decisions.