Chapter Twenty-one

Son

"Good morning, Teacher Aryanne!"

Ngumiti ako sa masiglang bati. I greeted the students back and then we started the class. It's been another seven years. I continued my education course back then and started teaching arts and music to my young students after I graduated and passed the exams.

Pagkatapos kong magturo sa ibang mga bata sa school ay may isang bata pa akong tutulungan sa homework niya pagdating sa bahay. Hindi pa naman ako pagod. Masaya rin akong nakakapagturo ng music sa mga bata sa eskwelahan so therefore I enjoy my job. And when I arrive at home nawawala rin ang pagod ko makita ko lang si Riff.

I smiled upon seeing him watching some cartoon on TV. Madalas ay nauuna siya sa aking umuwi sa bahay at may binabayaran din akong tricycle driver na kakilala para ihatid siya pauwi. When he heard that I arrived agad siyang lumingon sa pintuan kung saan ako pumasok. Agad din siyang tumayo para salubungin ako.

"Mama!"

I opened my arms wide to welcome my almost seven years old son. He went to me and I hugged him. How time really flew so fast. Ilang taon na ang nakalipas pero parang kahapon lang...

I inhaled his baby powdery scent as I hugged him more. Kumawala naman siya agad that made me pout. He's growing and each year makes me realize that he's not a baby anymore. Medyo nakakalungkot dahil namimiss ko noong baby pa siya but I know that it's part of life. "Meryenda, Mama." aniya sa 'king naglalambing.

Naku! Mukhang hinintay lang talaga ako para sa meryenda niya. "Kiss muna," sabi ko. Maagap naman siyang humalik sa akin. I smiled and stood to prepare snacks for him. Dati ay may kinuha akong yaya para sa kaniya. Kailangan kasi at bumalik din ako noon sa pag-aaral. Thanks to my savings back when I was still earning from my music. May pera ako na sapat para sa amin ni Riff. I was just starting on becoming a recording artist before at hindi na ako bumalik pagkatapos ng mga nangyari kahit pa may ilang kumontak pa rin sa akin noon. I love music, pero kontento na rin ako sa buhay ko ngayon kasama ang anak ko and I like being a teacher, too.

He continued watching cartoons while I went to the kitchen to make him some sandwich. Pagkatapos ay sinamahan ko na rin iyon ng juice at bumalik na sa sala. Nilapag ko sa maliit na mesa sa harap ng anak ko ang pagkain. "Thanks, Mama!" he said before taking his first bite on the sandwich.

I smiled and touched his hair for a while as I sat on our sofa behind him.

Naalala ko na naman ang mga nangyari sa nakaraan...

I stayed with Arthur as he battled with cancer. Hindi talaga naging madali iyon. I witnessed how the therapy pained him, too. Pero pumayag siya sa gusto ko na subukan pa rin naming magpagamot siya.

"Art!" I would run after him to the bathroom as he would vomit. It happened since he undergo chemotherapy. "Art," And I'd help him get up and wash after. "Water," I gave him a glass of drinking water and he sipped small amount of it.

This wasn't new to me. Naalala kong ganito rin noon kay Mama...

Arthur was confined at the hospital and I never leave his side. Kahit pa pinagtulakan na ako ni Tita Alma at ayaw na niyang lumapit pa ako kay Art. But Arthur made me stay by his side kaya wala na rin silang nagawa.

"Paanong hindi mo agad ito nalaman? Ikaw ang kasama niya sa bahay! Dapat ay nalaman mo!" Pareho ang sinabi sa akin ng mama ni Art at ni Grace. They blamed me for not knowing right away at sana ay noon pa napagamot na namin agad si Art.

I know. I knew of my mistakes and it might be late when I realized all of it but I'm willing to take the blame and consequences of it. Kung nahihirapan man ako ngayon ay may kasalanan din ako. Kaya haharapin ko ang lahat.

"I told Arthur before... That you don't really love him! Babae rin ako kaya alam ko, at kung ako ang pinili ni Arthur ay hindi gaya ng pinakita mo lang sa kaniya ang ibibigay kong pagmamahal sa kaniya! Because it's what he deserve. At hindi ang pilit lang na pagmamahal galing sa 'yo..." nanghina rin siya at umiyak sa harapan ko. While I was already numb from crying each day and night. We were all worried for Arthur's condition.

I wasn't a perfect girlfriend to Arthur. I wasn't even a good girlfriend or fiancée to him. Nagkamali ako, I lied to him, I cheated on him. But I tried, before, I really tried to love him the same way I loved Wesley... But maybe you just can't really give the same love twice... Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na noon ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para maiparamdam din sa kaniya na mahalaga din siya sa akin at na mahal ko siya. I truly cared for Arthur.

"Ginamit mo lang siya! Wala ka lang ibang mapuntahan noon and you saw Arthur as an opportunity to get away from your father's hold. To be free because you knew that Art can give you that freedom. And that's it! Hindi mo naman talaga siya mahal." She sobbed.

I accepted what she said. Because maybe it's true. But I knew in my heart that I also loved Arthur. Hindi man siguro pareho ng pagmamahal ko kay Wesley but I care for him.

"Sana nga..." I opened my lips to speak. Tumingin sa akin si Grace. Nagkatinginan kami. She's beautiful. She's the same girl na nakita ko na tumawag kay Art sa bookstore na iyon... I remember that that was our first meeting. Nandoon kaming apat ni Wesley, ako, si Art at si Grace nang araw na iyon sa bookstore na iyon noong namimili ako ng gamit para sa pasukan. How destiny works... How it really has its own ways to make things happen... Sa aming dalawa ni Grace ay nauna niyang makilala si Arthur kaysa sa akin. She knew him, and if... I breathed gently. "Sana nga ikaw nalang ang minahal ni Art." I said it.

Pareho kaming natahimik pagkatapos. Kung siya lang sana ang nagustuhan ni Arthur... Kung si Grace nalang sana ang minahal niya siguro hindi na siya nasaktan pa sa mga ginawa ko sa kaniya. Which he didn't deserve. Siguro rin... hindi nangyari ito... Kasalanan ko.

"Art, kumain ka pa. Konti nalang..." Sinusubuan ko siya ng pagkain niya. He's also lost appetite. Kaya naman ang payat na niya. Parang hindi na siya iyong matipunong Arthur na kilala ko noon. But I knew that it's still him. He still has the same smile like before every time he'd still try to smile at me. It was all breaking my heart. Aside from being in a relationship before he was also a friend to me. He was my friend and savior. He saved me from my father who wanted to control my life. He's important to me. And I regret making a fool of him. Pinagsisisihan ko na hindi nalang ako naging honest sa kaniya sa mga nangyari. I realized that Art is good man, he's always been. Pero mas pinili kong magpadala sa takot ko... I chose to lie to him. I chose to hurt him. Instead of just being honest from the very beginning and just accept what will happen after. Kasi pareho pa rin naman iyon. There's always a consequence to every bad action... Mas malala lang ang mangyayari kung sasamahan mo pa ng pagsisinungaling.

I made the wrong choices with my life. My decisions weren't thought very well. And when I learned about it it was too late already.

Pinilit naman ni Art ang sarili niya na kumain pa rin sa tulong ko. "It's growing bigger and bigger." Nanghihina siya. Ang alam ko ay cancer din ang kinamatay ng lolo niya... Pinuna niya ang tiyan ko na lumalaki na nga rin talaga. And then we both smiled.

Just few weeks after Wesley gone back to England I learned that I was pregnant... At first I didn't know what to do. Kailangan ko pang asikasuhin si Arthur. Pero sa huli ay malungkot nalang din ako na napangiti. It may not be the right time to be pregnant... At lalo lang lumaki ang galit sa akin ni Tita Alma na may mukha pa akong iharap sa anak niya kahit nabuntis na ako sa ibang lalaki. Parang nawalan na rin ng pakialam sa akin si Papa. And it was again only Arthur who comforted me. He said that it's okay and that I will be fine with my baby.

"I can marry you, Aryanne. I'm not sure how long will I last but I'm willing to father your child." Art gave me a reassuring smile.

Pero hindi naman ako makangiti at umiling ako. I can't do this to him. Sobra sobra na ang mga ginawa ni Art para sa akin simula noon. And I can't do it to Wesley... Sinaktan ko na nga siya nang pinagtulakan ko siya paalis... Ayaw kong tanggalan din siya ng karapatan sa anak niya... It's our child.

"Huwag ka ngang magsalita ng gan'yan, Art. Gagaling ka at makakalabas ka na dito sa hospital. Babalik ka sa trabaho mo at marami ka pang mga kaso na naghihintay sa 'yo, Attorney." Seryoso kong sinabi sa kaniya noon.

At hindi na rin naman niya pinilit.

Naging magkaibigan kami ni Art habang sinasamahan ko siya sa pagpapagamot niya. And he was there to witness the months of my pregnancy with me.

"Have you tried to contact him?"

Tumingin ako kay Art at umiling. I sighed. "Huwag mo nang isipin pa 'to, Art. Just please focus on getting better, 'kay?"

He nodded.

Naging abala lang ako sa pagsama kay Arthur habang sinubukan pa rin namin na magpagaling siya.

"Ah!" Naalala ko ang naging check up ko kanina sa doctor. We had an ultrasound. May kinuha ako sa bag ko. "Here!" I showed it to Arthur.

Tinanggap naman niya ang sonogram at umawang ang labi niya. I smiled. He looked amazed as he was looking at the first pictures of my baby inside my tummy. Arthur turned to me after a while and he has this big smile on his face.

"What will happen to you after all of this, Aryanne?" Art seriously asked me one time.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. He remained on his hospital bed. Ako naman ay nakaupo sa isang upuan sa tabi ng kama niya.

"I know that you're guilty..." he said. "Pero hindi mo naman kasalanan itong sakit ko. We didn't know that this would happen... And whatever will happen after all of this, Aryanne. Hindi mo kasalanan."

Agad nag-init ang mga mata ko. Mabilis ko rin pinahid ang luhang naglandas na sa pisngi ko.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Aryanne. Sige, oo, nasaktan mo nga ako sa ginawa mo. Nagalit ako sa 'yo. I think it was normal... Hindi naging maganda ang mga nangyari sa atin. But it's between us, Aryanne. Walang kinalaman ang baby mo dito." He looked down at my protruding belly.

He sighed gently. "Your child's father doesn't know about your baby. Do you really plan to raise your child alone? You grew up without a father, Aryanne. Alam mo ang pakiramdam noon. At gagawin mo rin ba talaga sa anak mo? Do you think your baby deserves this?"

Umiling ako at suminghap. "Saka ko na iisipin, Art, kapag gumaling ka na nang tuluyan."

"At paano kapag hindi na ako gumaling?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata kong may luha na tumingin sa kaniya. "Art! Ano ba ang sinasabi mo?!" Nagagalit talaga ako sa kaniya kapag ganito siya.

"Let's face it, Aryanne. Nakakausap mo rin naman ang doctor, hindi ba? You also know about this. And now, I don't want you to live like this and continue blaming yourself because of me."

Muli pang tumulo ang luha ko.

"Kasalanan ko naman talaga, Art..." I said weakly.

"No. Ang kasalanan mo lang is that... you cheated on me... We already accepted that. You repeatedly said your sorrys to me. You regretted what you did to me. And I also already told you that I forgive you..." Nagkatinginan kami sa mga mata ng isa't isa. "I forgive you, Aryanne."

Lalo lang bumuhos ang mga luha ko and I was already again crying in front of him because of my still guilt.

"May kasalanan ka, pero may kasalanan din ako. I knew it from the very beginning that your heart is already with someone else. But I still chose to be with you. It was my own choice. And I also dealt with the consequence of it."

Umiiyak ako na umiling. "But I tried to love you, Art. I really did try. I care for you..."

He nodded with a faint smile on his face. "I know. I know that you genuinely cared for me, Aryanne. Kaya ka nga ngayon nandito, 'di ba? Para samahan ako kahit pa nga alam kong mahirap na rin ito para sa 'yo."

I shook my head. "This is nothing compared to everything that you had done for me, Art."

Umiling din siya. "It's not like that. Don't think that way, Aryanne. Yes, I was there for you. But all those years that we're together you were there for me, too. We were both there for each other."

I didn't nod or shake my head. I didn't know what to say...

"Ah. Remember before? When I was still struggling in law school. Tapos ikaw naman kinakaya rin ang course na pinilit ipakuha sa 'yo noon ng dad mo. We didn't really made a deal then, pero siguro alam na natin sa mga sarili natin na kailangan natin ang isa't isa..."

"I really liked you when we met, Aryanne..." He gave out a small smile as he tried to remember things in the past. "You were cute and pretty. And then when we became together you inspired me to continue with law school. Kasi gusto ko na sanang huminto noon dahil hindi naman talaga ako sigurado kung gusto ko ba talaga iyon o dahil lang kay Daddy. But remember when we met an Lolo Cardo?"

Tipid akong tumango nang maalala ko rin iyon. Isa si Lolo Cardo noon sa mga naloko at nakuha ang sarili nilang lupang taniman ng mga taong nag-take advantage sa kanila. Hindi pa noon ganap na lawyer si Art but he somehow managed to help the poor old man. Humingi rin siya ng tulong noon sa mga kilala niyang lawyer na. Tingin ko ay natural din sa kay Art ang pagiging matulungin sa iba dahil ganoon na talaga siya. He's just really a good man. And I almost ruined the goodness in him. I smiled bitterly.

"After helping him you encouraged me to finish law school and be a lawyer to help more people." He smiled like he's really happy about it.

Napangiti na rin ako dahil sa ngiti niya. "And you did, Art."

He nodded, still smiling. "I did it because of you." he said. "You see, I almost grew up all alone, Aryanne. My Dad was a busy lawyer until he became a court judge. And my Mom was still busy with her career, too. Hindi rin sila nagkakaintindihan ni Daddy noon and I really think they just married because of me. That's why I grew up in my grandfather's care until he died... But when you came into my life, I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I even thought that you're an angel my Lolo sent me." He smiled genuinely.

Nakangiti rin ako pero nakakaramdam na ako ng sakit sa dibdib ko.

"I'd never forget everything, Aryanne. How you also stayed up all night back then just to be with me as I study overnight because I had my hectic exams coming. How you'd wait for me until I'm home kahit pa sobrang late na rin ako natatapos sa reviews ko noon for the bar exam. And you would reward me with your home cooked delicious meal that I will eat wholeheartedly after my tiring review and work. And remember when I was so nervous for the bar results? Your were there to cheer me up! Ikaw iyong kasama ko mag-review, hinatid mo pa nga ako noong nag-take na ako ng bar, kasama ko noong lumabas na ang results, and you were there when I took my oath. Until I became a lawyer. You were with me all along, Aryanne."

"So I know... that you have tried your very best." he added.

Bumuhos na naman muli ang mga luha ko sa aking pisngi. Alam ko naman ang lahat ng sinasabi niya. Pero parang pinapaalala niya lang sa akin.

Inabot niya ang pisngi ko para punasan ang luha ko gamit ang daliri niya. "Forgive yourself, too, Aryanne. You were great in our relationship, too. I have still lived a good life because of you. Because you were there and you made me happy. You gave meaning to my life. So it's not all bad for me." ngiti niya pa.

I rose up and hugged him while I cried. "I'm very sorry, Art." I sobbed. "I love you." I know I did. It may be different. But I knew it in my heart that I really did loved him.

"I love you." he told me as he gently caressed my hair while I was inside his arms and we hug each other. He comforted me.

"Promise me, Aryanne, that you will do the right thing for yourself and for your child."

I just nodded my head.

Kumalas kami sa yakap at nanatili akong nakatayo sa tabi ng hospital bed niya, while he remained seated in there. He helped me wipe away my tears, too. "Be happy, Aryanne." He gave me a peaceful smile.

And I nodded my head.

There are different types of love... And I think that the greatest kind of love, no matter what it is, is a love that... forgives.