Chapter Twenty

Mahal ko

"Let's go see your doctor, Art—"

"If you're done," Napatingin siya sa luggage ko. "You may leave." aniyang hindi pinapansin ang sinabi ko.

Umiling ako. "No, Arthur, we should see your doctor—"

"Then what?" he cut me off. "Yes, Aryanne, I'm sick! I'm ill and I'm dying. So what?!"

Nanlalaki ang mga matang nakatingin ako sa kaniya at namuo na naman ang malalaking butil ng luha dito. I shook my head almost aggressively. "You can't do this, Art..." I sobbed.

"How about your parents...?"

He looked away. Tinalikuran na rin niya ako. "Leave, Aryanne." he told me dismissively.

I felt responsible and guilty for what happened to Arthur. Ako ang nakakasama niya sa bahay and yet I didn't notice, I didn't know. And he's right... Because I was occupied with something else... I didn't care about him...

I wiped my tears and brought my feet to the main door of the condo and left with my mind still thinking about Arthur's condition.

Wesley looked relieved when he saw me returned. Agad niya akong nilapitan at niyakap. I also brought my hands up and hugged his body. Pinigilan ko na lang ang mga luha ko.

Wesley told me that everything's ready para sa pag-alis namin ng bansa. In two days ay mangyayari na rin iyong interview niya. And then after that we can leave the country... Pumikit ako sa kaniyang dibdib kung saan ako nakaunan. Naramdaman ko rin ang mainit na yakap sa akin ni Wesley as we were laying in our bed. I wanted to just forget about it but I know I can't just ignore it.

The next day while Wesley was busy I went to Arthur's work. Nagtatrabaho pa rin kasi siya. May securities naman ang building kaya hindi agad makakapasok ang reporters na gusto pa rin makakuha ng statement niya sa nangyari sa relasyon namin. Agad akong hinawakan at dinala ni Arthur nang makita niya ako doon. "What are you doing?" Dinala niya ako sa sasakyan niya. Tahimik lang naman akong umupo doon sa front seat katabi ng driver's seat.

"Pumunta tayong doctor mo, Art."

He sighed. "Why..."

"Why? Para mabigyan ka ng tamang advice at gumaling ka, Arthur!"

Umiling siya. "No need—"

Namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko. "No. Don't do this, Art. Please don't be like this..." nanghina ako.

He sighed again heavily this time. "Fine." he said and drove his car.

Nakapunta nga kami sa doctor. And he's told me about Arthur's situation. I asked him what we should do kahit parang wala nang pakialam doon si Art. Ako na halos ang kumausap sa doktor. He advised for Arthur to start taking chemotherapy. Tumingin ako kay Arthur sa mga matang nagsasabing gawin namin iyon. But he only shake his head. I turned to the doctor to talk to him about it more.

"I don't understand..."

Hinarap ko si Art. Kagagaling lang namin sa doctor. "You should do it, Art. I will... stay by your side the whole process..." I said it.

His lips parted while he was looking at me. At the end umiling siya. "You don't have to do it... I don't need your pity, Aryanne."

Umuwang ang labi ko. Sunod akong umiling. "Sasamahan kita." mariin kong sinabi sa kaniya.

I dismissed him after that and didn't give him chance to tell me more about it. I have decided.

Umuwi ako kay Wesley and we were okay... Pagkatapos ng interview niya kung saan inamin niyang may relasyon nga kami at hiwalay na ako kay Arthur. He also asked the people to stop going after me. I've decided to talk to him. It wasn't easy but I thought it was the right thing to do...

"I can't come with you to London, Wesley..." I spoke.

Natigilan siya at napunta sa akin ang buo niyang atensyon. "Why, what?" Mukhang nalito siya sa sinabi ko.

Hindi naman halos ako makatingin sa mukha niya lalo sa mga mata niya. "I was wrong, Wesley." Tinatagan ko ang loob at matapang na nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya.

"Wrong about what?"

"Nagkamali ako... I realized that I was just... confused... about us..."

"What? What are you saying, Aryanne?" He got a hold of me.

"I was wrong about us, Wesley." I tried so hard to stop my emotion and not to just cry again in front of him.

Umawang ang labi niya at ilang sandaling hindi siya nakapagsalita habang nakatingin sa akin. "No... I don't understand what you're talking about, Aryanne." I knew he's starting to get angry at what I was trying to tell him.

"I'm sorry..." inawang ko ang labi para huminga.

"Aryanne." mariin niyang tawag sa pangalan ko.

Nag-angat muli ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Sinubukan kong kumawala sa hawak niya sa akin. "I can't be with you, Wesley." Because Arthur needs me now. "Because I realized that it's really Arthur now that I love. And that I just got confused when you returned! Pero ang totoo..." Halos hindi na ako huminga. Kung nakakamatay lang ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon sa aking dibdib ay baka kanina pa ako natumba rito sa kinatatayuan ko. "Ang totoo ay hindi na talaga ikaw ang mahal ko, Wesley... It's Arthur—"

"You're lying!"

"I'm not! T-These days!" Damn it. I just stuttered. I gulped and I continued talking. "I've been missing him—"

"Enough." he cut me off with gritted teeth. "I don't know what's your reason behind this, but you can talk to me. Just talk to me, Aryanne. Why are you doing this? Am I too in a hurry? Ayaw mo bang umalis tayo? You want to stay here in the country, then—"

"It's not that, Wesley! I already told you! Si Arthur ang mahal ko! At babalik na ako sa kaniya. Tatanggapin naman niya uli ako. I can't do this anymore with you. I want to be with Arthur." Halos hingalin ako pagkatapos ng mga sinabi.

"I don't believe you—"

"Then don't believe me! Bahala ka kung ano ang gusto mong paniwalaan but you can't force me to be with you kung ayaw ko naman talaga!" I shouted at him.

God. I wanted so much to get out of here right now and cry myself to death. Hindi ko kayang makita si Wesley na unti-unting nanghihina sa harapan ko. Like I was slowly breaking him into small tiny pieces. Pero patuloy kong tinatagan ang loob ko.

"Yan..." He called me with the nickname that only him and my other used to call me.

My heart was breaking, too, at the sight of him becoming weaker and weaker and slowly breaking apart in front of me. But I have to do this...

Hindi ko na nakayanan. My tears fell no matter how hard I tried to suppress them. I just cried in front of Wesley. He tried to put me in his arms to comfort me but I did not allow it. I shouldn't allow it if I really wanted this.

"Tama na, Wesley... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." I'm sorry, Wesley. God knows how much I love you. At ikaw lang ang minahal ko nang ganito, but Arthur... I had to be with him... "Forgive me, but I can't do this. I won't be happy... You will never make me happy because it's Arthur who's my happiness now! We were friends before all of this. And I know that as a friend you still care about my happiness—"

"I don't really understand you, Yan..." he shook his head and frustration was becoming visible on his face.

"Ano pa ang hindi mo maintindihan?" Exhaustion was slowly eating my body, too. Gusto ko nalang matapos ito... "Si Arthur nga ang mahal ko—"

"Bullshit."

Noon ko lang yata siya narinig na magmura nang ganoon kalutong. Frustration was now very evident in him. But I can't stop myself from doing this... "Tama na, Wesley, please." I begged him.

He shook his head with too much frustration in his eyes. Until I saw tears in his eyes. It broke my heart and more tears just flow out and down my already wet cheeks from crying.

"I'm sorry..." nanghihina kong nasabi. "I'm sorry, Wesley. But I'm in love with Arthur. Siya ang mahal ko. And I will stay with him... Please..."

I continued begging him to just let me go. Tumingin si Wesley sa mukha kong puno ng luha. His eyes were bloodshot with tears, too. I knew that he was hurting. We were both hurting, but I have decided...

I can't go on and live this life knowing what will happen to Art... Hindi kakayanin ng konsensya ko. Art was there when I needed him the most. At ngayong ako naman ang kailangan niya ay hindi ko siya pwedeng biguin... Kahit pa kapalit ay ang kinabukasan namin ni Wesley... I cried even harder in front of him.