Dylan

Sitting beside Alex while he drove felt more pressurised than usual. It wasn't a bad kind of pressure between us, don't get me wrong. Things just felt different between us and I wasn't quite sure what the atmosphere was.

I knew I would have to ask Kai about it later.

My hand was playing with Alex's free hand whenever he wasn't changing gears and he had a grin plastered on his face that was so wide I think his cheeks must be hurting. Every time he glanced over at me I bopped my head and looked down at my hands. I wasn't sure what to say or do.

I had never really kissed somebody before is what I had realised. I had pecked somebody, sure, but never had I been kissed like that before. I liked it.

I could tell that Alex had been exercising a lot of self control and I appreciated it, but I also didn't. I was torn between wanting that also, but I also felt hyper-aware of the fact that we were not yet dating. At least, I didn't think that we were. 

We had been on dates, sure, but I was under the impression that it had to be some kind of verbal agreement to actually start dating. I wasn't sure how long that usually took, however, so I was just going along with it for now. I definitely needed a conversation with Kai later, though.

We pulled up to a gated car park on the beachfront. Alex insisted on getting my door again, despite it being an inefficient use of time. I followed behind him, holding onto his hand, as he led us to the gym where we would meet Michael. 

We entered and the bright, fluorescent lights hit me like a truck. I blinked away my agitation, feeling a headache come on almost instantly. I hate these kinds of hospital lights; bright, overhead, white lights.

So focused on the lights, I didn't register at first that an extremely well-built man was talking to me. 

"Who is this, then?" The man spoke, gesturing to me but speaking to Alex.

"This is Dylan. He's here to keep me company." 

"That's a first. Well, it's nice to meet you Dylan; my name is Michael." 

"Dylan asked that I pass on his compliments of your work." Alex could barely get the words out through his shit-eating grin.

My eyes widened and I felt my cheeks burn hot with embarrassment. I wanted to fade into non-existence and wished I'd turn invisible. Michael seemed amused by the comment, raising an eyebrow.

"Is that so?" Michael barked  a laugh, "I take it that's why we missed this morning's appointment?"

"No, that's my bad. I was shopping." Alex made excuses. 

Michael tutted in disapproval but chucked a towel at Alex, gesturing for him to go to the changing rooms. He turned to wink at me before heading off, leaving me alone with Michael. I found a chair near the workout station Michael had set up and took a seat, taking out my phone to tap and pass the time. 

"Where is he? Did he show up?" A man in a suit appeared, "I swear if the fucker skipped I'll drag him here myself."

It was then that he spotted me sat there, cross legged in my chair. I smiled meekly at him and gave a little wave. I think it was safe to assume that this was Jake. He definitely suited what Alex had told me about him so far. From the pristine suit to the overgrown stubble and his phone glued to his hand, still texting even now.

"Jake? It's nice to meet you." I decided to introduce myself, since this was Alex's best friend.

"You must be Dylan. I've had the pleasure of looking at nothing but your face in the tabloids the last few days." Jake was joking, but the both of us found it more concerning than amusing.

"You're lucky I am here." Alex reappeared in workout clothes, "You have Dylan to thank for that."

"Well, Dylan, I am forever indebted to you." Sarcasm dripped from his tone.

I didn't really know what to make of Jake. He was just as brash as Alex had said but he was hard to read.

"If you're dick, I'll walk out, Jake." Alex warned, sitting down on the bench to do some stretches.

"You should be asking for my forgiveness, mister." Jake grumbled, "Horror star Alex Hill caught sneaking out of University dorms after hours. A-lister Alex Hill whisks away new age-gap boyfriend."

I frowned and looked at the floor, shuffling my feet. I felt very uncomfortable with my association to his annoyance. An uncomfortable silence fell over us all and I began bopping my head, trying to stop myself from getting overwhelmed. 

Besides, we weren't even boyfriends. 

"So what, Jake?" Alex huffed, "Who gives a fuck? Seriously. Besides, now is not the time or place and you're being a real dick to Dylan and Michael by doing this here. You have an issue with my choices? Fine, but wait until we're alone. They don't deserve being dragged into this."

Michael pulled a face that made me crack a little smile before looking back down to my feet to avoid the awkwardness. 

"Sorry, Dylan, I've been a dick." Jake sighed, "I have nothing against your relationship; I'm just frustrated by Alex's carelessness."

It seemed like another dig, but I just nodded.

Jake took a seat at the other side of Alex to me and began what seemed like a business meeting while he was doing his workout. I guess this was how busy Alex usually was; having to multitask at all times. We always seemed to be interrupted by some thing or another, but I guess that was just how his life is. Busy.

Alex was deep in concentration, lifting weights while discussing upcoming projects. They had even dialled in Alex's assistant to join the mid-workout meeting. 

I stood up from my chair and crept out, mouthing to Michael that I was going to get some air since he noticed me leaving. Once outside, I crossed the road to the beachfront, taking a seat on the sea wall. The sun was going down and the sky was a mixture of pinks and oranges against the ocean backdrop, so it was very pretty.

I let the sea air calm me, filling my lungs with the salty smell. 

Staring out at the ocean, I felt a tear or two roll down my cheek. Wiping furiously at them, I buried my face in my hands and tried to psych myself out of it. I didn't even know what was upsetting me, but sometimes I got like this without any explanation. I just got overwhelmed and frustrated with myself and it led to me crying.

It had been an overwhelming day, even if I had enjoyed the vast majority of it. 

Where the tears had rolled down my cheek was wet and sea breeze blowing against it only made it colder as the water evaporated into the evening air. I pulled Alex's hoodie around me tighter, thinking about what I should do. I rocked back and forth, tucking my knees inside of the jumper to comfort myself better.

Part of me told me that I couldn't go back in there without breaking down while another part of me told me that I had to or Alex would hate me. I knew that wasn't true, but my brain was not being rational. Nothing about how I was acting was rational and that is what frustrates me the most.

A campus bus rolled up behind me and I gave in to the temptation to get onto it, on impulse, shooting Alex a text to let him know that I was going to head back.

Me: Hey, not feeling too well so I jumped on a bus back. Sorry for leaving without a goodbye. x

I felt eternally guilty about it, but it almost seemed like the only option to me. 

My mum had always said that when it came to fight or flight, I had only heard of the second part. Running away from difficult situations was my go to at the expense of everything and it had been that way for as long as I had been alive.

Tapping my card on the bus, I walked upstairs and took a seat near the back, resting my hot forehead against the cool of the glass window. The bus drove along the beachside road for a while, passing Alex's gym, before disappearing up the hillside towards campus. 

Me: Hey, can you meet me at the park fountain?

Was the next text I sent, ignoring the notification that had popped up to say I had a reply from Alex. The anxiety in my stomach wouldn't be able to handle that text without me throwing up on this bus, so I would have to leave it for now.

Kai: Of course, I'll be there as soon as I can be.

It wasn't a long journey from the beach to campus, so I was at the fountain before I knew it. Taking a seat on the fountain edge, I let my fingers dangle into the water, relishing the soothing feeling of the water.

It was a pretty breezy evening, so the trees were blowing cherry blossom leaves everywhere. Some landed in the water and some in my hair. I picked them out of my hair and flicked them away from me, watching them slowly coat the floor of the park. 

Moving away from my fountain, I went to sit on the kids swing. The swaying back and forth helped me to regulate and I was soon calm enough to open the message that had been haunting me.

Alex: Really? What's wrong? You should have said, I would have driven you. x

Followed by...

Alex: Let me know that you got back okay... x

"Dylan, what's wrong?" Kai had arrived, taking a seat on the swing next to me.

I tried to form the words, but I, myself, did not understand what was wrong. My emotions were beyond me and I was left confused by it all. Silent tears ran down my cheeks and Kai's expression turned to one of worry. He stood from his swing, wrapping an arm around me and holding me to him.

"Dyls, what's wrong? Is it Alex?" 

"I don't know." I managed to whimper out, soaking his shirt in my tears.

Kai went silent and just continued to rub my back, trying to console me. We stayed like that until my tears ran dry and I was only left sniffling.

"It's been a hard few weeks, Dyls. you could be burnt out." Kai suggested, to which I nodded.

I had been getting more and more like this since I came to University. I wasn't sure whether it was the change in routine or the influx of new people in my life, but I was finding things difficult at the moment. 

"Maybe you should head back home for a while; be around some creature comforts."

Again, I only nodded. Words were proving altogether too difficult right now. 

"For now, let's get you home and into bed. We can even play a game or two before bed?"

I shook my head, too exhausted to even consider a game.

"Christ, something really is wrong for you to turn down a game." Kai muttered, leading me home with an arm wrapped around me.

I felt weak and numb. The tears had gone and all that was left was a numb kind of sadness that I couldn't shake no matter how hard I tried.

Once inside, Kai pulled back my duvet and helped me crawl inside. He forced me to take some sips of water before tucking me in, even bringing my childhood teddy to my bed for me to cuddle. It smelt like home.

After that point, I lay in silence in and out of sleep in my dark dorm room. That was, until I was woken by hushed whispers outside of my door. I vaguely recognised the voices but I was just too tired to think about what was going on and I fell back into a deep, dark sleep.

I was just so exhausted.