two | 'hi'

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occasionally i wondered to myself whether i imagined my neighbour had seen me or not. he certainly didn't act like he had the day following...then again, maybe i'm just dramatic. locking eyes for less than two seconds wasn't exactly something worth writing home about. it kind of resonated with me though, and from that stupid moment on he was always on my mind. i didn't just cease my 'hyuck watching' all because i was caught either, and he didn't seem to be any more aware of it.

school had always been the same as well, when i think of it. the classrooms without air, the mindless chatter that never faded, and the teachers who couldn't have given less of a crap about our education. we were all expected to do nothing with our lives anyway. donghyuck had been in my class, and that's the only reason he'd have known my name.

there was one day in particular before we got to know each other that sticks out the most in my mind. it was the winter of when we were sixteen, so the rooms were no longer humid and suffocating, but bitterly freezing instead. i was by the window, luckily, so i had developed this habit of dragging my fingertip along the condensation on the glass and making pictures.

this day, however, i must not have been so subtle. i can still feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle from someone's gaze, but i was too much of a wimp to turn around and see who's it was. god, even recalling all of it now, i wish i had been braver and approached him sooner. maybe then i'd have had more time.

unsurprisingly now, yet hugely monumental back then, it was hyuck who'd been watching me — quietly too. i thought i was clever when i waited for the teacher to wander around with handouts to twist around and feign a back stretch to scope out my class. to my literal horror, the cocky bastard was still staring at me from the seat diagonally behind mine. i froze there, in this gnarled position that actually hurt a lot...never breaking the eye contact.

"hi," he had whispered, and that one little greeting was what i had wanted to hear all year. how unfortunate that he chose the worst timing possible to deliver it.

"my hip just popped," i stupidly gushed without thinking, and donghyuck's eyes widened to the size of bloody saucers. between us both, i looked like an ugly tomato with my scarlet cheeks and he resembled that of a stunned potato wearing this expression of utter confusion.

"your...what?"

i hate myself, i decided then and there. why wouldn't i have? that was the single most horrific introduction to have existed, and i remember spinning back around in blind panic just to cringe at the sharp ache in my stupid hip. i was a dumbass back then...maybe even now as well. i haven't changed much, i admit, and i'm already twenty-one. this memory was from almost five years ago, but since it's the summer i still have a few months to wait before marking the turning of the fifth year.

it doesn't seem so long ago. almost as if it was all just yesterday, really. i still recall the feeling of his face in my hands, or his arms around my waist. i miss it every day, even as lovers come and go to provide temporary comfort while i grieve. my heart is always so damn heavy, and i'm still waiting for someone to lift the weight off it.

anyway, returning to my stories, that moment in the classroom was actually the last i shared with him before my birthday. it was most likely my fault that we didn't chat much after that, because i avoided making eye contact with him again, i didn't 'hyuck watch' to be safe, and i certainly didn't try stretching and checking him out again since that backfired like a bomb in my face.

march crept around quickly enough, and before i knew it, i was already seventeen. my pretty neighbour had officially been living in the estate for nine months and had experienced almost all the seasons here other than spring. people still came and went from his house like yo-yos, and if i was daring enough i could sometimes see them in his room with him, chatting. if i'm being perfectly honest, i wanted to talk to him too. i...i wish i had sooner.

i found out after overhearing a conversation between a few girls that hyuck's birthday was in may. one of them had a crush on him, which didn't shock me at all since it was pretty common, and they wanted to get him something. the reason i remember all this really well is because one of them cluelessly assumed all seventeen-year-old boys were the same, and she turned around to march up to me in the classroom during lunch.

as if interrupting my loner time wasn't stressful enough for my unprepared soul, she had also done so by tapping (more like hitting) my shoulder repeatedly. "hey, renjun. what do guys like?"

"oh my god, mira, shut up," the said girl with the crush had blushed like a strawberry. "he'll tell people!"

"no he won't," her friend scoffed and it was then that the high-and-mighty attitude came to light. i didn't like it. "he's renjun."

what does that even mean? i wanted to ask at the time, but now i can answer that for myself; they could sense my inner gay. it wasn't a known fact or common knowledge, and accusing each other of homosexuality just wasn't the done thing, so we all went on believing our entire village was straight. well, i knew i was into men, but i didn't think there was anyone else like me. anyway, this girl and many like her clearly subconsciously detected my lack of masculinity or my harmlessness and managed to approach me like a friend, rather than an experiment.

"can i help you?" i muttered while dripping an abundance of attitude. honestly, i embarrass myself now when i even think that i used to be so stupid. my parents hadn't raised me to be snarky...it just happened.

"yeah, what do guys your age like? or, more specifically, lee donghyuck."

"i don't know him."

"so? what's the difference?"

my heart pinched when she lumped me and someone like hyuck into the same category just because of our age, but i should've known better than to assume girls who had a massive lack of awareness for other people but themselves would understand men. i was tempted to retort something snide back; something like 'do all of you like skirts and dolls because you're women?' but i was way more decent than that, and to this day i always tell myself that dropping to others' lower level makes you as bad as them.

"i like art," i hummed with this nonchalant shrug. it probably pissed her off, because i could see her shaped eyebrow twitch at it.

"that's dumb though. what would he like?"

"how the fuck should i know? he's not my friend."

"mira, he's getting defensive. leave him alone," donghyuck's admirer quite rightfully pointed out from behind her. that bugged the hell out of me too, but at least i didn't have to be the one to shoo her away. she was inept in all things 'logical', but i also wasn't the type to dwell on such things. they did indeed flee the scene after that, and i returned to resting my head on my arms like a loner on my own.

little was i to know five years ago that donghyuck's birthday was actually the prolonged moment that everything changed for us. it was the start of our first summer together...and our last.

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