twenty six | half alive

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i didn't know what to do at this point. he was standing by the sinks in that unofficially abandoned bathroom we often escaped to, clutching his chest and heaving. hyuck wouldn't let me touch him, wouldn't let me near. panic was consuming me and yet i was useless.

"tell me what's wrong," i had begged, hopeful when a moment of reprieve for him came and he could just lean against the counter and look at me through the mirror. he hadn't gotten sick, which was a huge relief.

"you always...fight me," he sighed tiredly, dropping his head again. nothing was more unsettling than seeing lee donghyuck defeated, even if i'd been aware of his secret battle for months. sometimes the things i'd seen during the days of 'hyuck watching' faded from memory, or perhaps i purposely pushed them away if i didn't like how they affected the narrative. the way he'd pace around his room, crying to music only he could hear through his headphones.

why were you crying, hyuck? why couldn't you tell me sooner?

"i don't mean to," i'd responded. it wasn't entirely a lie, but sometimes i was argumentative because without that fire, i really was just boring. without being a little bit prickly, i was just insecure and alone and he was the only one who could possible have understood that. "i won't fight anymore, so please..."

what was i begging for? answers? a sweet story to hold onto even if it wasn't real? a truce? my hands had been shaking, that much i can remember. holding down tears and swallowing with a dry throat made me shake.

"my chest hurts," was all he'd said after a moment — a long one, if i remember correctly. he just stood there, clutching it beneath his open jacket, and staring down at the drain. i had stepped forward, slowly, treating him like a stray cat that could scratch but needed help all the same.

"hey," i whispered, coming up from behind him and just wrapping my arms around his slim waist. with my cheek to his back and my hands caressing gentle patterns against his skin, he finally relaxed and i hoped his tantrum was over. selfishly, of course, as it was me who caused it.

more silence lapsed, more anxious thoughts stacked up in my mind over and over until i was certain my head would split open and the world would see my inner machinations. every idea and memory that made me tick, made me function. as ugly as i know it all is.

"it's fine now. i'm fine," he murmured quietly, although we had no reason to be quiet this time. i didn't let go though, couldn't bring myself to. he had placed his hands over mine and carefully pried them away to turn and face me at long last. "just anxiety."

anxiety was awful, sure, but that was most certainly not an anxiety attack. he was still lying to me and i was still too scared to ask him why. everytime we fought like this, about this, he would win. and at this stage, i wasn't beyond asking his mother what the hell was going on. i didn't like this feeling of being on the outside, looking in.

but that was a betrayal, and one i couldn't commit. not for him.

"i'm sorry," i whispered, taking a step back. my ultimate fear that he didn't want me around kicked in and to combat the cold chill that inevitably poured over me, i hugged myself. "i don't know...i don't know why i snapped like that. i shouldn't have forced you."

"let's just forget it. before we drop it though, you need to understand one thing." he pressed his hand flat against his stomach and stared at it as though he never truly took it in all that often. "i don't look like this because i have a choice. i'm not anorexic, i don't need some hero to save me. i've given up on changing it, and i don't want you to try either. that's why i'm here," he looked back to me now, tears in his eyes but determination written on his brave face. "the city couldn't fix me, so the countryside is a cleaner start. no more reminders."

"i'm..." i'm what? sorry? how did i respond to something so vague? my chest hurt so bad looking at him in that state, like he was fit to break and i'd made it worse. he had only half answered one of my old questions and i was left even more confused than i had been before. so something was definitely wrong...but he didn't want to change it? and i was just to accept that?

well, i supposed i had to. thinking back on it i sort of understand why he kept everything so cryptic, so hard to follow. he was protecting me and others during the time we had with him, and maybe even himself to keep the demons firmly locked in the closet where he needn't see them.

we stood in silence for a time, for various reasons. we were so good at the love part of a relationship, at giving compliments, having sex, being there for each other. and we were also too good at the the older relationship style - even when we were new - at the fighting, bickering, stubbornness. and yet somehow we had never quite mastered the mid ground, the part where you open up entirely, where you put your emotions, feelings, thoughts on your hands and offer them to the other in hopes that you might be understood. we couldn't do that then, and i suppose now looking at this in hindsight, we never did.

"sometimes i can't tell if we're bad for each other," hyuck suddenly spoke up after all of it, "or soulmates. why else would we keep running back to each other after every episode," he chuckled softly, holding his side. he looked winded, weak, and possibly that was my fault. i chose to bury the irritation i'd been harbouring for not hearing the truth and and instead pulled him in for a gentle hug again...this time he hadn't pushed me away.

"i love you," i think i'd said. it was an easy way to bury the hatchet, especially since it was true. his cheek rested against my shoulder and he said the same, holding me closer.

"let's..." he had started, but paused, maybe thinking about it. in the end whether he settled on the same idea or had a new one on the spot, he said, "let's dance, renjun."

"we can't. if the others see—"

"no, not in there." he pulled away again, but looking more invigorated than before with this new plan he wouldn't let go. "let's go somewhere else. like our classroom."

"it won't be unlocked."

i was wrong. it had been. and he dragged me through the empty hallways, hellbent on having this dance where we could still hear the music from the hall. it got me quite excited at the time too, as i'd never danced before — not with people. when we made it to the classroom, he gave it an experimental tug and it flew open with no issues, making me eat my words.

"wonderful. thank god i didn't make a bet," i think i'd said. he only laughed at my antics and wandered further inside away from me, looking around and pushing the front desks back to make space.

eventually, with the moon catching his shimmering makeup and golden skin, he turned to me with the most ethereal appearance i will never forget. "huang renjun," he had smirked, somewhere between a confident smile and a hopeful pout, "will you dance with me?"

who was i to say no to that?

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