twenty seven | unravel

─────── • ❥ • ───────

the dance had been everything i'd wanted it to be. hiding a relationship was often more trouble than it was all worth, and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you have to put your own heart first. but back then, dating another boy in the most backwards society i'd ever known, donghyuck was everything and hiding had to be done. without him, maybe my development would've been more stunted and i'd have evolved into an even worse adult than i already am. after all, the people you meet when you're young are often the ones who shape you for life.

what i'm getting at is; having to dance with donghyuck in secret in an old classroom may have sounded sad, like we were missing out, but it wasn't really. we were taking back from the world what it wouldn't give us, and we danced like we deserved it. we did.

"junnie," he'd whispered against my ear, a luxury we could have when we were so far from the low hum of music.

"mhm?"

"dunno. just felt like saying your name."

i'd tucked my face into his chest, inhaling his beautiful smell of sweet body spray and a little bit of his natural scent. he smelled feminine and soft, making me want to melt into him and be tucked in his embrace forever. we both had a sheen of sweat making us glow, for the hall was very hot, packed with bodies. it felt nearly chilly to be away from them all.

moments like these really did make me think we'd last the mile, that we'd get out of there together and start a new life where we could be honest and happier. all our little arguments were always resolved, because we were meant to be together. nothing was ever too far for soulmates.

i believed that.

unfortunately, after that night we had our halloween break for a couple of days and i didn't see hyuck at all. sometimes i watched his window from mine, anxiously anticipating that he'd be there too, listening to his music. crying, perhaps. but he wasn't. and i wasn't sure why.

where did he sleep then if not his room? the car was in the driveway, his parents wandered around. i even went to their front door on the last day of the break and asked them where he was. they'd seemed sad, and withdrawn. his mum only touched my cheek for a moment and promised he was okay, just tired.

"then why can't i see him?" i'd asked, barely keeping my tone even for her. she was so lovely, and going through so much more than i'd ever known at the time. "where is he?"

"inside. he's asleep."

"but—" but he's not in his room. he hasn't been for days. i've been watching. i knew i couldn't say that. not without looking creepy. so i retreated when i knew it wasn't a battle i'd win. again i was left in the dark, and when you're seventeen and desperate to know everything, you don't realise that sometimes ignorance is bliss, and not knowing makes your life just a little bit easier.

school started soon after. it was already the middle of the first week of november, and i couldn't believe back then that donghyuck and i had spent summer and autumn together. that we'd spend winter together. i'd been so excited i was willing to let go of his odd disappearance over the short break, but he didn't show up to school either. not on the wednesday, or on the thursday. by friday i was getting incredibly stressed that he was gone for good and never even told me why. i had these thoughts during class, dramatic ones, about all the ways he could've disappeared.

when i'd gotten home that evening, xiuying was her usual self, complaining about school work, making herself some toast as a snack. the kitchen smelled of food, i remember, and at times i do miss that. i don't really cook much these days, but my boyfriends usually have. my current one isn't bad at all in the kitchen.

anyways, what had thrown me about xiuying going about her business as usual was that everything in my life felt like it was starting to get turned upside down, and the boy i loved wasn't where i wanted or needed him. anxiety had been chewing my stomach up and causing me sleepless nights. but ying was oblivious, chewing on toast and telling me about school drama. i wanted to cry.

"man, it's so cold now too," she sighed, finishing her snack and smacking her hands together to get rid of the crumbs. "i'll be changing into my winter uniform soon, i think. practically nearly died of hypothermia today—"

"ying, have you noticed anything odd lately? y'know, with the neighbours?" i wasn't sure why i'd asked her then. she didn't care, not really. i think she knew donghyuck was special to me in a strange way, but she never interfered and never really asked about it. her eyes were large and doe-like, and a stray crumb clung to her mouth. i remember that because it was all i could focus on instead of unravelling on the spot.

"um, no? do you mean everyone or...do you mean the lees?"

"just..." my voice had cracked, my chest had tightened up like a seizing muscle. i could've been sick with how much this was stressing me out. especially since hyuck and i had argued the night of the party. was he still mad even after the dance? didn't he love me anymore? why wouldn't he come see me through my window? why didn't xiuying notice? was i going insane? "just in general, i guess. it's gotten quiet, hasn't it?"

my sister saw straight through me. she'd released a breath and leaned forward against the countertop on the other side from me, her eyes never straying from mine which i'm ninety percent sure were starting to blur with tears. "junnie, what's wrong? you've been acting strange since halloween and mum and dad are worried too. has something happened?"

yes, i'd wanted to tell her. she'd understand, i thought. she wouldn't care, as she'd never cared when things about me never added up. we were family, and she was always there. i haven't seen hyuck in a week and i'm scared he hates me, or worse, that he's gone somewhere far away. what do i do? but i'd refrained out of fear, because i couldn't gauge how she'd react and i didn't want to risk it. "you're right," i went with instead with a shakey voice i couldn't steady, "donghyuck isn't around and i don't know how to reach him. his mum says he's home, but i can't see him through his window. it's been a week without a word."

"ah," she simply said, relaxing against the counter more and nodding slowly. "i haven't seen him around either, and i did think it was weird. i mean, he's always somewhere, especially when you're involved. did you fight?"

"well, yes. but we made up," i'd gushed, my worst fears coming to light. "at least, i thought we did. it wasn't enough for this to happen. i think i'm going insane, ying, i don't know what he's doing."

"listen, you need to calm down. first of all, getting sick over this isn't going to fix it. if his parents say he's home, then let's go over. i'll go with you, if you'd like."

"they turned me away—"

"then we scale the walls. we find him. maybe you didn't assert yourself enough," she chuckled and start to tie her loose hair up into a ponytail before pulling her shoes back on and opening the front door. "come on, loser, see how the pros do it."

"a professional at what, exactly?" i'd sassed, but i ran after her all the same filled with relief that she was going to help, but also concern that she was going to either embarrass me or have me commit a crime. i could always count on xiuying to get stuff done, but she didn't always care about delicate details.

we walked over to the lees' house and ying knocked on the door, as my hands shook uncontrollably in my pockets. for some reason this moment had felt far more serious than the first time i'd tried to look for him, even if it could end in the same tears. having my sister by my side, her face so determined for me, made me feel safer in my own skin than i'd ever felt before in my life.

we're still as close as ever to this day, and will be 'til the end of our lives, i think. i'm in her corner, and she's in mine.

after a minute or two, mrs. lee opened the door for us and smiled faintly in surprise. i noticed mr. lee behind her heading up the stairs, but checking over his shoulder to see who we were. "hi," she'd waved a little, "what are you two up to?"

"we've come to check up on hyuck," xiuying answered before i could, folding her arms defiantly and i didn't miss the way she used his nickname to sound closer to him than they actually were. maybe it worked psychologically on donghyuck's mum, maybe it didn't. i'll never know, but even still it had made me happy for a brief moment. i think if hyuck had been around to this day, he and ying would've gotten along way too well as adults. they were similar in a lot of ways.

mrs. lee seemed to hesitate a little, her grip on the door frame tightening ever so slightly as she recited the same excuse she'd given me a couple of days earlier. "he's quite tired at the moment, unfortunately. i don't think—"

"okay, i know this is going to sound rude," xiuying cut her off before she could ramble nonsense that neither of us came to hear, "but it has been over a week since my brother has seen his best friend, and there's been no word, no reasons, no excuses. he's essentially disappeared and i don't think that's fair. if you're hiding him in here, fine. but tell us the truth so we can process it, or else one of us is not going to sleep for the foreseeable future." her brow twitched, and i tried not to snort.

"oh, i'm sorry honey," she said to me, clearly taking the hint and looking incredibly apologetic. "i...i didn't realise you were so anxious about it. hyuck...hyuck doesn't tell us much about his life anymore, and i suppose i didn't quite realise the extent of your relationship."

"he's very important to me," i'd murmured, hands gripping at the sides of my uniform trousers.

her eyes melted into this look, like she knew i was serious and that she too loved him too much to miss him for a week. maybe she could see into my soul, could read me like a book where my feelings for her son were as clear as day. or maybe she didn't at all but was glad all the same that i'd bothered to show up twice to find him. it didn't matter, as she stood aside and let me and my sister in.

xiuying passed me a look of 'so what now?' but i wasn't entirely sure myself. the smell of this house was so familiar and all-encompassing, reminding me of all our fun little memories here, all the stupid videos we'd filmed. i loosed a breath and took a look at the staircase.

"he's not in his room at the moment," hyuck's mum admitted as she touched my shoulder briefly and led us towards a hall through the kitchen. i hadn't been down here before since there'd never been a reason to, but now i realised they had spare rooms down here, like an office, another bathroom that wasn't overly used or decorated, and another closed door.

"he's here," she hummed, turning to face us. my heart had leapt into my throat at the way her face seemed to scrunch up in pain, hand trembling over the door handle. xiuying shot a look at me again, but i couldn't face her. i didn't even know how to feel myself.

"what's happened?" i whispered. i don't think my voice was even capable of any more than that.

"he's..." she trailed off, twisting the knob and letting the door shudder open a little before stopping. a stream of light spread over the three of us. "well, he's relapsed. i think he needs to explain himself, to be honest. i'm not pleased with his decisions to pretend none of this has happened."

"relapsed?" xiuying mumbled under her breath. her cold hands suddenly took my bicep and she clung close, possibly as frightened as i was right then.

"mum? is that you?" hyuck's voice suddenly croaked from within, weaker than i'd ever heard it before. it made me want to get sick somehow. my stomach lurched.

i think this may have been one of the toughest moments in my life, even at this point as an adult. finding out your loved one is ill...well, it hits you like a slap, i think.

─────── • ❥ • ───────