twenty four | a night to remember

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it was finally october thirty-first — halloween. the build-up couldn't have felt longer and, for once, a holiday was actually going to be memorable for me. not just the awkward trick-or-treating when i was a little too old but xiuying insisted, and perhaps in the near future christmas wouldn't be so...quiet, i suppose, either. at least, that's what i had hoped for then.

these moments i kept replaying like an old, annoying vinyl felt so long ago now. how frivolous and stupid my concerns were and how the real world had not yet knocked on my adolescent door. how daft i was to believe that things would always be that way.

i really do wish i could return to it all. so that these memories would just stop haunting me already. leave me alone like i wanted to be. ghosts were all they were, and there was no way to swat that buzz behind my ear, to shake that chill permanently inhabiting my spine. why couldn't i just love the image of donghyuck with a clear head like other people remembered their exes?

why was everything always so hard for me?

anyway, on all hallows' night, xiuying knocked on my bedroom door with a little too much force and i remember the creaky hinges whining as it opened inwards to expose me. "time to go," she'd said. "we'll be late to meet our friends. or..." she waved her hand dismissively and tilted her head to me, "whatever the hell it is that you do. friends? pretend-friends? excuses to get mum off your back? i'll take my pick."

"it's really that hard for you to imagine me with a life?" i'd responded while trying to fix my tie. it was patchy and burned in places where dad had helped me pull this stupid costume together. the whole look worked in the end, but the battle was long and hard. i'm sure i'd lost a part of myself to tailoring.

"kinda, yeah. so..." she smiled faintly and played with the hem of her — if i remember correctly — witch dress which was a little ruffled, falling just above the knee and sporting mesh, translucent sleeves. "i can't wait to see it."

"you won't. you'll be somewhere entirely different, thank fuck." she didn't give any sort of retort while walking in and pulling me around to face her. the musty smell of the attic and her dazzling perfume mum had gotten her a few months back mesmerised me for a moment and she finished fastening my tie and ran her black-nailed fingers over my shoulders. i remember thinking 'wow, how'd she learn that?' and 'she's too good at this for it to be her first time'. but i now think that back then if she'd had a boyfriend, she probably would've told me. so perhaps my brother instincts were prickly.

the suit itself was small to fit my physique, and dad had been trying not to say something about it. only 'we need to feed the kids more meat'. no father. my issues are far more deeply rooted elsewhere; places my diet doesn't entirely affect.

in the mirror that night, if i'd done the job right, one would've said i looked like a vampire. my brown hair was lengthy and quite wavy over my forehead and temples, and mum had thought it would've looked cute (well, pretty) if it was styled properly. i felt sleazy if anything, but xiuying supposed the makeup and hair bumped me up from a hard five to a solid seven. glad to know my sister didn't find me attractive.

you're an eleven, hyuck would've fought her had he been there. don't listen to her. but he would've been too busy dressing up himself into some mystery costume to defend my honour in front of my little sister. god, i can still remember his outfit now.

touch-ups were splashed on, mum took an unnecessary amount of photos of us and finally dad had us in the back of the car to drive us to school so we wouldn't have to traipse through the late october sludge in our nice shoes. xiuying kept side-eyeing me that night, along with fixing my collar, cleaning around my mouth with her thumb when, i assumed, the faint colour she'd added smeared. i felt like a girl all of a sudden, and before she could deign to fix my hair once more...i remember shooing her off and parting ways at the door.

the hall looked incredible, all thanks to the committee. to me, i suppose. i had worried incessantly that we hadn't done enough, but in the darkness with the pumpkin-shaped fairy lights winding around the beams, and the skeletal figures looming along the walls...it all came together pretty well. i'm not so enthusiastic about such things anymore.

the first thing i can recall were the bodies already littering the place. so many teenagers packed together in one space with a maximum of three thoughts per head. i'd been bumped into a lot, and even if i had wanted to stick to xiuying, i would never have been able to. still to this day i wonder what she got up to when i wasn't with her.

i can only assume i hung by the entrance, since this memory is pretty foggy for details. i wasn't able to face introducing mum and dad to anhi since, well...you know. she did eventually find me, though, and we linked arms and entered as a pair.

immediately i'd been slapped with the smell of alcohol snuck in once i was in the thick of it. kids' breaths, cups and sweat reeked of underaged drinking. i didn't give much of a fuck, i assure you. i don't really drink even now. perhaps to drown out my thoughts a little. but it made me think of donghyuck who very much enjoyed bending rules.

"want a drink?" anhi had enquired in my ear, her lashes accidentally tickling my cheek...and i'd felt nothing. not a thing. i agreed that i would need one to survive, and although she hadn't meant that type of drink, she fetched us punch anyway. i was simply glad to be on my own again.

through the thicket of bodies i could see the back emergency exit of the gym opening up with those stupid pranksters who'd set up that awful game-bet thing that had anhi and the others so riled up. i watched as a lot of boys were hauled out with sniggering lackeys and had to thank some lucky star that i wasn't one of the victims. i probably wouldn't have come without a date, but still...

it makes me smile a little to think that other guys my age may possibly look back on this night and have entirely different memories. different feelings and regrets.

after another ten minutes, i think, anhi didn't return. she'd probably gotten lost, god bless her, but that wasn't my problem. i didn't care. i was too focused on spotting donghyuck that i'd almost missed him entirely. though that would've been difficult, to be honest, when he was in the centre of the hall. the centre of attention. the centre of everything.

all i had seen to begin with was red. catching, scarlet red between a plethora of dark bodies illuminated by a cheesy disco ball the shape of a skull. he was surrounded with curious people, adoring people. i wasn't the only sucker who couldn't resist his spell. i was one of many.

he was sort of dancing, if i recall correctly. swaying to an iconic tune of that year that i've long since forgotten, and nodding with fake smiles for those he spoke with. his hair was shining with glittery gel which parted it down the middle, his goddamn forehead exposed for us all to admire. flawless and coveted like the rest of him. it very nearly drew attention away from the quirky devil horns resting atop his golden halo of hair.

as for his clothes, well, where was one to begin? the red had been the allure at first before you saw his chest. it was a suit, if that could define it. a red suit jacket over his tiny, skinny figure with no shirt or blouse underneath. just the vast expanse of his sun-kissed skin. the jacket paired with matching scarlet pants holding onto his sharp hips for dear life. the fact that he wasn't healthy didn't even seem to faze people, it was everything else that brought them closer. his smile, his pretty words, the mischievous glint in his eyes that promised he'd sink your ship...but you'd enjoy it anyway.

i was so undeniably, uncontrollably, irritatedly jealous in that moment that, for the first moment, i hadn't realised he'd spotted me.

his hot gaze roved over my appearance without a single ounce of tact or grace. i could have worn nothing at all to receive that same look. i didn't miss his tongue swipe over the corner of his lip as he pretended to care again about what some classmates were telling him. it was then that i had one more chance to admire his outfit before needing to head off. running from his tailbone towards the backs of his knees swept a devil tail as red as the horns, and my breath nearly choked me when i turned around. damn him and his dark, shadow-rubbed eyes. his pinker lips i was sure he'd worked on beforehand, and his shimmering contours. he got away with everything — even the enhancement of makeup.

i can remember my heart sitting in my throat when anhi found me at last and distracted me from my own thoughts. thoughts that could've brought about my demise in that town. the drink in my hand weighed nothing and the pulsing beat of music made my brain shudder. this wasn't where i needed to be. i was never suited to parties, but hyuck made me do crazy things. stupid shit i won't ever do again.

"you look nervous," anhi had said to me above the music, using familiarity as a means to get closer to me. she had clearly been trying to flirt, and i feel more bad about how i was to her now than i did back then. when i was a teenager, i had been prickly and condescending like i knew everything. now...i should've tried to fix it.

it was around this conversation that i took her outfit into account. as ordinary as she was, she did clean up well for the party, even i would admit. not as impressive as donghyuck, but still cute in a feminine rendition of the joker. her makeup art was inspiring, honestly, and her usual twin braids by her ears had morphed into two space buns that allowed symmetrical, single curls free to fall by her shoulders. had i not been so swayed by men to the point of insanity, i'd have found her attractive.

"i'm not nervous," i had responded to her previous statement. well, at least not nervous because of her. anhi didn't seem to notice my lack of interest.

"sure, tough guy. shall we dance?"

now, i know you're probably thinking 'but that's a recipe for disaster, renjun. she wants to kiss you'. yes, it was. and yes, i knew that. but again, hyuck made me do stupid shit and that's why i took her outreached hand and let her guide me to the dance floor. the smell of sweat really did make me want to puke, but i cared so little when i had a bit of teasing to do. we had ourselves set up where a beautiful red devil could see us...and dance we did.

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