twenty five | insensitive

─────── • ❥ • ───────

i'm one of those people who can only turn on their sexy flame when i'm interested in someone. i find it wholly impossible to radiate appeal when there's nobody in my area worth pulling, and i think it's always been that way. the first time i had ever truly realised i had any such ability at all was this dance, when anhi was the perfect excuse and distraction for my charms to reach donghyuck.

although all i wanted back then was to be in his arms and let him guide the way, the fact still stood that it would never happen. so, to vent my rage about it a little even though it wasn't his fault, i let him see what he could not have. well, what he couldn't show other people he had.

i can still remember how our eyes would meet over the girls' heads every time we had the chance, and how he bit his lip to stifle his rage when anhi hugged me closer. her warmth wasn't the same as his, and it made me miss him. funny that, how he could stand only metres from me and yet i could still miss him.

maerin was a true champion that night. any little trick in the 'girls' guide to seducing men' that she could remember, she used. at some stage i'm sure i was actually mesmerised by her waist. maybe she's where i learned to dance. however, her obvious and graceful advances did not reach their target this night, as hyuck had eyes only for me. he wasn't lovestruck though — not like i wanted him to be. he was bitter with anger and frustration that i was with someone else. he told me this himself.

"renjun, you've gone quiet," anhi hummed from in front of me, and i had to switch my attention back to her. those glorious brown eyes of hers were particularly wide during the dance, but i felt stone-cold. i wished i could tell her what a mistake she was making in pursuing me, and how i'm not even truly fit for relationships with men, let alone with a girl — with her.

"sorry, i was thinking."

"about what?" her hand came up to press the back of it to my forehead, which i had then realised was damp from the heat of the room. "are you feeling okay?"

"fine. i'm okay," i had somewhat lied. being okay would've meant being with hyuck, but physically...i was alright. she didn't believe me. i could see it in her eyes.

i was sure i would need to pull out some spiel and convince her more...well, convincingly, but she didn't press me any further. only took my wrist again and guided me to the snacks and drinks where there weren't quite so many bodies.

"you know, you're not very good at pretending you like these things. or pretending you're having fun, at that."

she was right. "i know. i don't think i ever led anyone to believe this was my type of thing though, so the pretence is unnecessary." she seemed to agree.

"how about you take a break. i'll go find a few of my friends, but you're not off the hook. there is at least another two dances in you somewhere." i highly doubted that. the only dancing i do now, as well, is the type to land me a one night stand at a club. dancing died inside me when hyuck wasn't there anymore.

she disappeared as she'd said she would, but i didn't feel any happier or worse about it. i couldn't breathe any easier in this latent heat between bodies and lights and my outfit wasn't particularly designed for comfort. my head was starting to itch where my hair was styled and it took every bone in my body to hold me back from tousling it and ruining the whole look. xiuying would've killed me.

i'd say another ten minutes passed where i was left alone (or had to avoid anyone coming near) and the peace was short-lived. a familiar devil did indeed saunter over without a girl attached to his side. a pleasant surprise.

"my my, your antisocial-ness never fails to amaze me," donghyuck smirked deviously before leaning over me intentionally to get a drink. even covered in sweat and having been bashed on the dance floor by other bodies, he smelt of soft pine and a hint of mint. it sent a rush of heat down my spine to my legs, but if he noticed it, he never mentioned it.

"i'm taking a break from people. there's a difference."

"you've been here forty minutes at most, jun," he chuckled and stood back to eye me up as he sipped his drink. i certainly hoped it didn't have any sneaky alcohol it. "you look beautiful, by the way. if i'd found you before that bitch did, i'd have huddled you away somewhere private to show you how true it is."

"she's not a bitch," i scoffed and grabbed a cup for myself. the idea of him in that outfit pushing me against a wall alone was enough to make my face red. let alone the real thing. "and thanks. you're not so shabby yourself."

"i know under that cryptic layer you're on your knees for this getup. don't be so coy, jun. i know you."

he did know me. he was reading me as we spoke, and i too tried to enter his mind. was he feeling the same? what i wanted from him, did he desire even half as much as i did? why was he so good with his expressions? i didn't want to dwell on how embarrassing it was that i was so obvious to him.

i ended up doing something really stupid. i avoided his eye contact by staring at his exposed, sweaty chest where he'd covered up any marks i'd ever given him. i almost laughed at the thought.

"say the word," he opened his arms with this disarming grin that i knew truly held more depth. "i'm all yours."

"get off your high horse."

"you're eyeing me up like food, you know."

"mhm, and you were staring at me earlier. tell me, lee donghyuck, how much longer could you have taken watching anhi and i dance? five minutes? ten?"

"don't push it," he had simply replied, and i knew i'd won that one. small victories, and all that. instead of being a little shit like i usually was, i turned around and grabbed something small to eat. i can't remember what, but it was finger food. i wanted him to eat something in front of me.

"here," i held it out to him. i was insensitive then, even when he gave me this look that warned me he wasn't impressed. "eat something. it's surely nearly dinner time."

"i'm not hungry."

"you're never hungry," i scoffed and put it in my own mouth. i can recall how he watched my lips then, like the motion of chewing nearly made him sick. i couldn't understand him at all, and warning signs like these didn't mean much to me at seventeen.

"i just don't eat much."

"evidently," i waved towards him. towards his body.

i was so wrong.

"wow, okay," he sighed and turned away to look at the other kids dancing. i'd struck a nerve. "sorry i'm so skinny."

"eat more."

"you—!" he nearly hissed, retuning his gaze to me and pointing an angry finger at my chest. he refrained from what it was he wanted to say, and i really wished he had just told me in that moment. he was so selfish. "forget it. you wouldn't understand."

"wouldn't understand what? just say it!" i insisted, and a couple beside us looked over at the ruckus. donghyuck seemed to deflate from the attention this time and pulled me further aside out of the way. the table nearly hit my hip as i stood against the wall by him. "what's that term?" i had continued anyway, like an asshole. "something beginning with 'a'."

"what are you on about? just drop it alr—"

"ah, anorexia! is that it? is that what this is?"

he scowled, leaning against the wall beside me and ignoring me altogether. "you don't know anything. i'm not anorexic."

"no?"

"no!" he snapped and snatched a nugget or something off the table and shoved it in his mouth angrily. he was trying to prove a point, and i just wanted to see him eat.

i would've been celebrating another victory had his chewing not slowed and hand not met his stomach.

i fucked up.

"wait, hyuck, what's wrong? not feeling well? it's fine, just spit it out." i held his shoulders. he stared into my eyes with dread.

he did swallow, but immediately ran past me and out of the hall. a few people noticed someone dash by, but i don't think anyone recognised it as donghyuck. i followed with that small hope in mind, pursuing his retreating figure into the hallways towards the nearest bathroom.

─────── • ❥ • ───────